Today is one of those days when I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. The little things are getting to me. Mr. Sam & I had made plans to meet at the dive bar and hang out with the PHG. But as the day slowly turns into night I feeling more & more disgusted with my myself and my body.
Having BPD is different for anyone. I have no sense of my identity and I have low-esteem. Toss into my issues of today that my body psychically hurts. Pain I haven’t experienced before. Numbness and just severe pain adds to my shitty feeling when I look in the mirror.
I enjoy dressing slutty when I go out. It usually gets me into trouble at some point of the evening but I do enjoying dressing up for my friends or my man of the evening. So I’ve tried on different outfits and nothing fits. Seriously, none of my clothes fit me comfortably or some just don’t fit. BUT those clothes fit last month. I’ve gained a ton of weight and can’t seem to get a handle on it. I know diabetes runs in both sides of my family and have scheduled testing next month. In the meanwhile I try to hide myself away from the public eye and act like a little kid saying “don’t like at me!”
Mr. Sam says he loves me. I believe him. He says its whats in the heart that matters not the outside. My beloved tells me he loves me and I believe him as well. He tells me that I’m a good wife, a good person and a great friend. He does tell me that I am getting heavy or that I have a big ass. I know he doesn’t mean it in a cruel way.
It’s just one of the upside down days in the life of a borderline person. I feel fat, ugly and hate what I see in the mirror. I don’t want to socialize nor do I want to drink. When I get like this I find it’s best not to drink or be around people who trigger my issues in a negative way because that just pushes me further down that black hole of emptiness.