I allowed it to happen. I did nothing. Stood there, letting him rub the back of my leg. Slowly he moved his hand up & down my calf. All the time looking around for any one that might see us. I feel numb. I should feel something, right? I always seem to test myself, when I begin to spiral downward. This is all part of the madness of me. I see it plainly, however, I can’t seem to break the cycle.
Curiosity always gets the best of me. There is always something about the man that I wanna know about. I wanna know the “why’s.” I wanna feel the experience because it might never come again. I don’t want to look back later with regret. There are a view things that I think about a lot. There is an age difference, one that I am not accustom to. The forbidden aspect of this makes it’s difficult for me to ignore. That’s part of the rush, the high. Replaying another of today’s incidents in my mind. His face getting so close to mine as if he was going to kiss me. I just stood there.
Here’s the part when I get scared. I bail. Some men know first hand what this involves. Some men never return, those that do return, stay for years. I bailed once on this gentleman already. He came looking for me. Now this time is won’t be that easy. I guess I view it this way. That if the person “folds” to easily, then they serve no purpose in my life. I need someone with strong shoulders.
I don’t see this one having staying power. He offers nothing of himself. I’m not one to ask questions. I look quickly into the future. I don’t see him in it. I see summer being the end of this. We each continue on our separate life paths, we shared some laughs & smiles. That’s my future view of this situation. Although he’s been in my life now for about 3 years. Shit. I have no concept of time.
Not sure what’s in store for me tomorrow. Thinking I need to behave myself and start shutting it down, slowly. I was told to do it slowly so that my behaviors do not set off any alarms. I need to get a grip on myself. I can’t fill a round hole with a square peg.
