The first thing I reach for when I wake up is my iPhone. I notice that he called me. What?! He called me!!! He never calls. Shit! Something must have happened.
It’s 8:30 in the morning. I immediately text him.
Did you butt dial me last night? or did ya need me for a ride or something? I was passed out. Had been drinking & mixed with fresh air I zapped out at 11. Fuck I’m old!!
LOL Prolly butt dialed ya. Ready for a cpl drinks now???
Well come get me!
You headed to the usual Sunday hangout?
I gotta get dressed. I’ll meet ya there.
OK. What time?
Damn fool. As soon as I can. Keep your shirt on. Shit.
NO WAY!!! It’s coming OFF!!!
I walked in the back door of the bar. It’s now 9:45 in the morning. He was sitting there talking to the bartender. I walk up and hug him. I sit next to him, ordering a drink. Malibu & pineapple. We hugged again.
We talk about the last time we were there. That was during the summer, I think. I was getting emotionally out of control. His presence in my life pushed me over the edge. I made some bad decisions that day.
However, I knew that I wasn’t going to be making any bad decisions today. It was gonna be a good day with good times. We talked about lots of stuff. Family, ex-girlfriends, new girlfriends and wanna be girlfriends. We discussed what great sex is and why we always chase after it. How some people are clingy, some are crazy and those who know their place in our lives. I tried to stress that some people will always be around until the end.
The bartender added in her two cents about the topics we were discussing. She asked me if his latest fuck knows my car. Noooooo! WHY?! She said because she keyed that other chick’s car! She’s fucking mess! She immediately started texting him. He never would share any conversations with me. However, I believe that the dynamic of our relationship has changed. Him showing me the texts proves it for me.
WTF?! I’m thinking of the last time she was here at the bar. They had a fight the night before. She wouldn’t acknowledge me at all. She is one of those 26-year-old hardcore bar boards. The ones that scare sailors, bouncers and little kids. She mouthed off, never approached me. However, if she does come at me reckless in the future, I’m gonna hit her. I have given some thought to going back to the gym for some MMA retraining. This bitch is crazy. I keep thinking that I need to make sure there are bar towels close by to wrap my hands if a fight goes down. I don’t wanna broke my fingers when I punch her in the face. First thing, sweep the knee, then keep punching her until someone pulls me off. Ok. Enough about her. Crazy cunt.
I start yelling at him for always going back to her. Toss in the fact he is talking to other chicks. He & I are too much a like. He wants the stability of a solid relationship/marriage. Yet that fear of failure, rejection and commitment fuck with our minds. I told him “we always want what we can’t have.” Tears filled his eyes as he starting to talk about his childhood and other family issues. Our conversation turns in a different direction when I opened my mouth. I started in on him about all his past offensives against me. with his eyes still filled with tears, he looks down and takes both my hands in his. “YOU PICKED SIDES!!! You left me and were BFF’s with A and I got mad. Just like you did. The game continued for there. I’m sorry…truly sorry. I know I made mistakes. I didn’t trust you then, but I know I can now. I trust you with my life. I do! I really do! Babe, I’m sorry. I love you. You should know better than anyone that people like us have a hard time trusting.” He was looking me in the eye the entire time. I looked back into his tear-filled eyes. I wanted to believe him. BUT. He’s right. People like us don’t trust easily. He hugs me. Kissing me on the side of my head. I’m not sure, but I felt like he ended that part of our relationship. Only to start a new fresh & clean relationship.
We rocked out to the jukebox. Playing song after song. There wasn’t anyone else in place but US! We were having a blast. Jumping around, dancing, singing. Laughing at our stories. Time flew by. I think I was pretty buzzed too, because I seem to be missing some time.
We continue with our drinks. I normally count how many drinks I have when I go out. This time I completely lost track of the number. I lost track of a lot of things. I was there most of the day. I normally don’t even drink during the daylight. I lost track of what he was drinking. Sure, it’s not my responsibility. However, if I go out with someone I won’t just leave them or care about how drunk they are. I could not do that in good conscience. I would hope that some kind soul would take care of my loved one if they were out of control some where.
I haven’t acted like him in a decade or more. When you’re so drunk that you call everyone on your contact list. Listening to him talk to all those women started to crush my buzz. The bartender comes to me and says “I can tell your getting sober, because you’re not jumping around.” He got off the phone with whoever, sits down next to me again. “You mad? You look mad. You gonna call me a bunch names too? Threaten to leave me too?”
“NO! I’m not gonna do any of that foo! But if you want me to, I can. Only if it makes you feel better!” My heart breaks for him. The pain he must feel on the inside, his soul is battered & bruised. I wish I could be the one to help him heal, but I’m not. At some point I will have to walk away from him. And that will break my heart.
We stumbled to my car with his jar of pickle juice. Don’t ask. The bartender & I got him into the back seat. “Why am I back here? I ain’t no little kid!” He passes out. I drove him back to his place, helped him inside. Threw him on his bed, took his shoes off. I looked for something to fix him to eat, but living his kind of lifestyle the cupboards were empty. There was some Kettle One in the frig! UGH. I thought he was sleeping, when I heard him walking around. I went into the living room, there he was trying to play his iPod. OMG. He turned the fucking thing up so loud I was completely deaf. The song “Burden in My Hand” blasting from the speakers and him singing at the top of his lungs. I watched in amusement, but as my buzz started to wear off I seen & heard his pain. He did a little dance for me. He was oh so cute & adorable. I got up walking to the kitchen. He asks “You leaving me?”
“Do you want me to stay?”
He came over to the sofa, flopping down next to me. I start to rub him to calm & quiet his demon. I rubbed his arms, thighs, tummy & chest. He lays there next to me, his arm around me. “I love you” He whispers. I continue to rub his chest, playing with his chest hair. He passes out. I give him a kiss on the cheek as I started to get up from the sofa. He mutters “where ya going?”
“I’m going home. You gonna be alright?”
“I’m home ain’t I?!”
“Yes, you are.”
I quietly walk out the front door. As I drive home I say “Thank You” to the universe for my life. I realize that with the change of the season it’s my worst time of the year. I jump down the rabbit hole, acting out, all sorts of risky & reckless behavior. Begging the universe not to condemn me. The skies grow darker and colder for me. I haven’t figured out my reason for this behavior with him, not yet anyway. I can only part take of this lifestyle for a few more times before the candle burns out and I’m left standing in total darkness.
If you would like to read more blogs about Mental Health Issues. CLICK the banner below for the full blogroll.