Insomnia [W4W]

He was having bad dreams.

My stomach hurt.

My bum knee has a dull ache, too cold to get out of bed. WHY!? Why is it so cold in here?

He’s having more bad dreams. “Wake Up! You’re kicking me.”

“Sorry honey.”

He gets out of bed to notice the cold air in the room. He disappears for a few minutes. The furnace was out. I still can’t sleep. Put your phone away stupid! I can’t, I want to but I’m a junkie. I want to text Charlie, because I know he’s probably at the bar or awake somewhere. But I resist that urge to reach out in this moment in my life. So, I’m downstairs wrapped in a blanket – typing.

I scroll through twitter, lurk on blogs, look at a few other social media accounts.  It’s been forever since I shared a past sex story. Sex.

Yeah. Sex. How long has it been?! Too long. Am I reaching that point in a woman’s life when she losses that desire to have sex? Oh GOD KILL ME NOW. No. I still want sex. Every day. But I don’t want to truly say what is going on deep inside me. I think he & I both know what it wrong, but neither one of us is ready to face my issue nor do I have any solutions to my issue.

Issue? You ask. I’m utterly bored. I can’t say enough how I believe that human beings were never meant to be sexually monogamous, maybe socially. Looking back I think I made the decision that society says a person is expected to make. Pick one partner and stick with that one – until death. When I married, I was told that sex won’t always be the most important thing. Friendship is the most important thing in a marriage, you must be friends first and lovers second. I have tried it the other way and that was an epic fail. But now I look at my life…and wonder. word for wednesday

I don’t regret my decision, my very safe & secure decision. I just wish that I knew a way to get out of this dry spell of mine. My mind goes all sorts of ways, when it comes to blowjobs, fucking, places to have sex. But when one marries a person is ultra vanilla … well … I give up trying to change that part of him. Now I just listen to him talk about his fantasies about fucking me on the dining room table. Inside my head I hear my voice “It’s not me that can’t do it.” Then I say something like “oh I’m too afraid the table won’t break or it’s too high or it will hurt my back.” Just so I don’t have to hear “You just don’t want to.” I don’t want the aggravation and frustration of being heated to boil and getting disappointed because of something uncontrollable on his part.

I’ve said too much. Only one hour before the 5 am alarm goes off. Time to try to get some sleep.

Alcohol [W4W61]

April is Alcohol Awareness Month. So far I have been out drinking twice this month. I was planning on drinking tonight as well.April is Alcohol Awareness Month

Charlie text me asking if I was coming to watch him shoot darts again tonight. I was busy at work, didn’t text him back right away. I had felt exhaustion early this morning, so I had taken a nap for about 2 hours. I was behind on my chores. I needed to make supper. My guilt won’t allow me to leave the house unless my chores are done & as long as I have made food to eat, warm up.

I changed my clothes and headed out the door. I knew Charlie, really just wanted me there to keep him company in a strange place. The same as I use him in his place. I know Charlie & I use each other for emotional support, selfishness needs and to understand each others childhood issues. He is an alcoholic, drug addict, gambler and sex addict. He has completely fallen off the wagon and is being dragged by it.

I walked inside our place. He’s playing the jukebox. I walk up to him and he slurs his words. He’s in slow motion. He whispers to me that he has taken two Xanax. One Xanax will knock me out for about 10 hours. I hate them things. I was given a bottle when I was first diagnosed with PTSD resulting from my motorcycle accident. I couldn’t sleep, I was afraid to leave the house, panic attacks. When I would take them I felt slow and numb. Having BPD I was not used to feeling. It freaks me out, I feel like I’m a zombie. Not to mention the lack of a sex drive. I wanted sex, but the desire, the urge was gone. No thank you. I tossed them in the trash. Never took Xanax again.

Charlie took two. TWO. Whole ones. In addition to the booze he was drinking. He had text me around 3pm. It was 5:30 and he was already slurring and could hardly walk.

jukeboxHe dragged me around the floor dancing to Mexican music, which he loves when he’s reliving or remembering his childhood trauma. Since he’s been staying with his mother, I could see his triggers in neon lights in his head. He was bouncing from his different friends. I sat at the table in the corner. After I got totally irritated with the bartender who didn’t take my order. I had my money in my hand when he made eye contact with me, but walked to the other side of the bar. I looked other there and watched him serve the others, but not me. I briefly thought that Charlie might have told him not to serve me, but I don’t think Charlie would do that to me. I watched Charlie stumble to the bathroom and I thought to myself “Leave! Leave now. You don’t need this. You are not his babysitter.”

When he came out of the bathroom, he walked over to the end of the bar. I heard a loud thud. I couldn’t see at first. I stood up and looked in Charlie’s direction. I looked at the rest of the drunks who were sitting at the bar stand up to look where the noise came from. A few of them turned at looked at me, I decided at that moment I was leaving. I felt like I was having a heart attack. My chest hurt to breath and I wanted to cry. I seen pieces of my childhood when Charlie on the floor. I won’t cry in public, Charlie and the bartender turned to look at me as I walked past them. I smiled at Charlie. He probably thought I was headed to the bathroom, but I walked out the back door of the bar.

I sat in my car, thinking. How will you feel if this is the time he dies? Can you live with yourself knowing you left him like that? I know what happens to addicts if they do not get sober. They die, go insane, end up in prison. Death has tried to take him a few times, he always manages to come back from the brink. Prison, well he will find out at the end of the month if he goes to prison (for two years). My fear is that he will end up dead, falling and busting open his skull once again.

Seeing Charlie tonight breaks my heart to see him in such pain, to see him vulnerable to his actions.

About an hour after I was home & writing the above, my phone rang. It was him. Crying & whining on the phone about how I left him, how he loved me, how sorry he was and how the bar he was at wanted to kick him out for being obnoxious. He pleaded with me to come and bring him my darts because he had to use bar darts. My heart ached, only because I didn’t want anything more to happen to him. I drove there only to see him, stumbling around, itching for a fight, being annoyed with other people. He didn’t want to be touched by the other guys in the bar. I could hug him, caress his face but when ever a man got to close he became on edge. His friends were telling me about the fight he had the night before, how he is starting to spiral once again. It’s the alcohol. His mother is an alcoholic, suffers from mental illness and drug addiction. He father died from alcoholism. He father had been estranged from everyone in his family. I told Charlie, that’s his future. He needs help. I can’t force him, I know that. I haven’t been there when he has been beaten & broken. I have been there to help balance out his demons with mine. My fear is that if he dies as a result of the alcohol, a part of me will die with him. Because I often thought if I could understand some of his demons then I can understand mine.

alcohol awareness month

Over time, excessive alcohol use, both in the form of heavy drinking or binge drinking, can lead to numerous health problems, chronic diseases, neurological impairments and social problems, including but not limited to:

    • Dementia, stroke and neuropathy
    • Cardiovascular problems, including myocardial infarction, cardiomyopathy, atrial fibrillation and hypertension
    • Psychiatric problems, including depression, anxiety, and suicide
    • Social problems, including unemployment, lost productivity, family problems, violence including child maltreatment, fights and homicide
    • Unintentional injuries, such as motor-vehicle traffic crashes, falls, drowning, burns and firearm injuries.
    • Increased risk for many kinds of cancers, including liver, mouth, throat, larynx (voice box) and esophagus
    • Liver diseases, including fatty liver, alcoholic hepatitis, cirrhosis
    • Gastrointestinal problems, including pancreatitis and gastritis
    • Alcohol abuse or dependence – alcoholism. Facts about Alcohol

Spring Cleaning [W4W60]

Yeah I know that’s two words.

It’s spring break. We are spending our week’s vacation CLEANING! word for wednesday

WTF?! Yup. Cleaning. Attempting to straighten out our very messy & unorganized home. Since all the children have moved out we have become somewhat slobs. I’ve always been a slob, lazy and totally unorganized. He has turned into a hoarder. UGH. I blame our parents, (because I can’t responsibility for my dysfunction).

I am attempting to turn the three-seasons porch into a place that I can take photos. I have so much fucking crap. We are actually tossing things outside in to the driveway with a huge tarp over it all. Garage sale season kicks off in a month.

We must down size but both of us are so lazy and get easily overwhelmed that we just walk away from it all. How did it get so bad? Our youngest son will be moving back north from Texas in October. He was here for Christmas and the look of shock on his face kind of stung me a little.  He says “What the hell happened here? Fuck I move out and both of us have some sort of melt down. Why is dad keeping all this crap? I ain’t living here long, cause I’d probably die from some boxes falling on me and crushing me.” I laughed to cover the burn. But he’s right. We are hanging on to things. Things that we can’t part with … but why?!

back porchWhy can’t we let go of stuff? Pain from some childhood event now causes us to cling to shit? My Liege has more of a problem than I do. Mine is just too lazy to drop at the charity shops. Something in us changed. I want to go back to a simpler life. I don’t want all those plastic cool whip containers in my cabinets, empty jars in the back closet. UGH.

Spring cleaning. Haven’t used it in a year than it gets tossed or donated. The other thing I am doing is upcycling some of our old crap. Since he has tons of stuff, Pinterest has given me some really clever ideas. Currently I am making two bird feeders from two old tires he has. Then the rest of the tire will become a planter. Back to cleaning (wish me luck).

 

Teeth [W4W59]

My Word for Wednesday is Teeth.

Bite Me. Cavities. Root canals. Crowns and so much more.

I have been in the dentist’s chair since I was in the second grade. Had extremely large teeth, overbite and my parents didn’t want me to suffer as they did. However, like everything else – teeth issues are hereditary, genetic. Basically if your parents had fucked up teeth, you’ll probably had similar issues. dental cleaning

I won’t go in to long details about my teeth. My oral procedures have included pulling teeth, braces, rubber bands, springs for braces, retainers (several) One of them melted in the backseat of my grandpa’s Delta 88 Olds! Root canals. Crowns. Bridges. Broken in half tooth.

I was never afraid of any dentist or any procedure. The last three days have been spend in the dentist chair. 48 hours and 15 shots of Novocaine later, my teeth sparkle.

I stopped going to the last dentist because he was fucking awful. I figured I’d worry about the shit later. Well….it’s later NOW! My advise is NEVER settle on dental work or a dentist that you don’t like or aren’t satisfied with. FIND A NEW DENTIST & GO REGULARLY!

Oh sure easy for you to say if you have insurance. Fuck. I had insurance and I still couldn’t get myself to go or find a new dentist. I formed some goofy form of anxiety. Me?! Of dentists?! That dentist left me not wanting to go and the joy I found in the painful experience was gone.

Yeah. You read that right. I enjoyed the pinch of that huge cold metal syringe ejecting the fluid in to my gyms. I remembered when there wasn’t any numbing solution to rub on your gums before the injection. Now I’m numbed before I’m numbed. I enjoyed that pounding in my chest I felt when the medication started to work. I just didn’t like the numbness of my skin. The sound of drilling didn’t bother me either. I hated when the dentist & his assistant chit-chat about bullshit. That bugged me!

Now that I put off a very important health issue, I’m paying for it. My crowns must be replaced. I’m looking at replacing 3 of them. Replacement of a bridge, possible implant and four very small captivities to be filled. I learned my lesson about my teeth. My advise to you is…

Take care of your teeth. Treasure your smile.

word for wednesday