The Mental Torment of A Lustful Wife

Spending the NYE with Mr. Sam and it was all fun until he asked,

“Can I see you tomorrow for a little?”

I replied with “are you seriously asking to see me tomorrow?”

“Yes is that ok?”

“No I don’t normally leave my house on Sunday.”

“Ok.”

“Thanks for understanding.” 

He replied “I said ok not that I understand.”

And with that statement I felt fearful. Fearful for how this could end in the future. For one of those men who will do anything and I mean anything to keep me from leaving. Whether it’s through emotional manipulation or physical violence.  He sounded like he may be joking but the truth often comes out in jest.copyright2016@sassycat3000.net, Borderline, BPD, moody, unstable relationships, empty.

I also thought that how I do things so that people will like me, not to leave me and accept me. But the rational part of my brain tells me different. The mental torment in my mind is overwhelming. I also think that it’s so unfair for me to put this all on my Beloved. Because he is the one who will end up “fixing” my fuck up. Borderline people don’t mean to hurt their loved ones its just something that happens due in most part to their impulsive behavior. When the borderline is accepting to feed their ego, things get out of control fast.

I want the sex from Mr. Sam, but not at the cost of my home security. But I still want the sex. To feel the heat from his body, to feel each forceful thrust, to smell him, taste him. I wanna feel all those chemicals released in my brain, to feel high from the sex.

But pain and disloyalty I would cause my Beloved would break my heart. He doesn’t deserve this treatment from me, he’s done everything to please me, to accept me and mostly to love me.

READ MORE ABOUT Mr. SAM HERE

I just have to figure out how to get out of this mess I created for myself. Discreetly, gracefully. And mostly I don’t want to hurt Mr. Sam. He’s a fragile, kind and thoughtful person. He does have a good heart. Maybe misguided, misunderstood he’s still a human being with feelings.

He is hard to get a read on, most men I can figure out rather quickly not Mr. Sam. Perhaps that’s why I cant let him go. The need to find out what makes him tick is strong. Ugh. WTF! Someone just kick me in the head.

 

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

  • The inability to say NO. Borderlines are afraid to say no out of fear of rejection, judgment.
  • Relationships: A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  • Attachment fears.
  • Addiction to chaos and drama.
  • Lying and deceitfulness, mixed messages, self-contradicting.
  • Self-sabotage.

 

[I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2017 (2014 Project). I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma].

Getting a Bit out of Control

Since I’ve become acquainted with Mr. Sam I have been at the bar more and more. It’s an excuse for me to be out, to drink and to visit with him. Charlie created specific appearance for me to have while at the bar, he accomplished this without me being aware of what he was doing. Recently I have crawled outside the box he designed for me.
Now I have a choice. I can stay inside that box he designed for me or I can be the apparent semi-slutty wild chick I’ve behaved like.
I’m leaning more towards the second because I’ve already been behaving that way. So much so I think I have been labeled now. Labeled by Charlie’s crew, its like they understand the cat is away and the kitty is left all alone. They forget I’m married. FUCK I forget I’m married. When I’m home now, he is loving, understanding and gives me that tender love he thinks I want or need to keep me from straying. He says “I love you” a lot more. He praises me a lot more, but not in a way that makes it obvious to me. Because he does it more when I’ve returned from the bar.
My BPD symptoms have been thrust into over drive regarding Mr. Sam. I noticed that he has several Facebook profiles. Why? Why does one need that many? He only has a few family members on each one. There’s always been something about him I couldn’t quite place my finger on, but when he told me his secret, I felt that some relief. But starting last night, I can’t help with think …

WHAT THE FUCK am I doing!!!!????
Since I met you I’ve been crazy
Since I’ve been with you I’ve been lost
You make everything see hazy
Love comes with such a cost
Have I lost my mind?……..Follow Me Down by The Pretty Reckless.

This song played out in my head today. I feel crazy when I’m with Mr. Sam.
There is so much about him I don’t know. Yet I’m not afraid yet I feel no trust. It’s not like there are people who can vouch for him here. He doesn’t know anyone here.
What man says “we have a connection” with in a few months or even weeks of knowing each other. Yes, I feel it, like we have been acquaintances at the bar.
Asking me how I feel about him, telling me he will wait for me and that he is happy with having me in my current circumstances. Talking about love as if is was that simple.
Is it that simple?

Someone tell me..is it? Or I am simply mad?

READ ABOUT MR. SAM FROM THE BEGINNING
Being a person with Borderline, I truly don’t know what love is. I know the concept of loyalty, a version of love I was sold to believe by Walk Disney. I’m too emotionally unstable now. Thoughts swirling around in my head, trying to process what I felt about Mr. Sam. Is what I’m feeling love or lust? Or is it the symptoms of my illness I act impulsively, acting out in risky behaviors. Like unsafe sex, stranger sex and sex that feels so good you get addicted to it.

borderline meltdown, sassycat3000, mental illness, emotional, latina blogger
Over the past few weeks, Mr. Sam has come out to see me while I’m out. We always end up in my car, talking and then making out. No sex. Lots of kissing and lots of talking. I can’t believe I’m even sharing this here, but…but I think this may be important for my future story sharing and my sex life. Because I think Mr. Sam is stirring things up in me that have been stagnant. Not saying that life with my Beloved isn’t fulfilling, but sometimes its dull & boring for me. I’m sure it is for him, but we are like most couples in the sense we accept that we have different likes & needs in this area. This is another story for another time.
Mr. Sam seems like that type of man who loves hard, who also has an issue with letting someone go when they wanna leave. Which I think could be dangerous for me and my life. But there is still something about him that draws me in. He’s a dark and broken soul. But part of him scares me, especially when he wants a solid yes or no answer that I have feelings for him. The fact he can be happy with this arrangement. What kind of man does that? Weird thing is he hasn’t pushed the sex issue at all, he jokes about it. It’s mostly sexual innuendo. There is no pressure for me to have sex with him.
I think he has deep seeded issues that I am trying to see. Why? Why the fuck do I care? And this leads up to being at the bar where Charlie & I used to hang out at. Meeting Mr. Sam there has brought a lot of attention to me. The guys treat me differently, trying to feel me up, making sexual comments to me.  But its only when they have been drinking but never a serious threat towards me. That’s the other thing that pulled me down, those rumors that I’ve heard about me. That I am “seeing” Mr. Sam on the side, having an affair. Ok, sure I admit kissing him and being attracted to him, but I’m still on the fence about fucking him or even carrying on with him. I’m not saying no to the idea but not yes either. Just riding with it for now.
But the rumors are by the PHG because a few of them have seen us together during the week. We were being antisocial to the others. Only because of the lies that were told by one of them about Mr. Sam. I’m not sure about all the shit either. FUCK. All this fucking shit pulled me down a well of darkness. Crying all day. I couldn’t stop at the end of the day, then I couldn’t sleep either. I haven’t been like this in months. I feel so lost that I scheduled an appointment with my counselor for this week. I haven’t had a session with her since my first informal diagnosis.  That should say something about this meltdown I had yesterday. That I’m reaching out for a direction in which I should go,  for an answer to why the fuck I’m doing this. Part of me thinks I’m trying to replace Charlie, to fill the chaos and drama with my own instead of his.  Make sense?

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

  •  Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days. (Anger is the current mood I’m feeling stemming from the rejection).
  • Feeling like others are out to get you. Paranoid Thoughts.
  • Believing that You should not feel this way. Self-invalidating thoughts.
  • Unstable Relationships. A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.

 

There’s Always a Motive with Charlie

I figured since I made it past Halloween that he was gone from my life. Most sociopaths leave after they have used up all the resources of their current victim. However, we have a strange bond I have yet to put my finger on. Being involved with a sociopath is a difficult and strenuous game. I would not recommend playing this game at all. It’s too easy to lose direction, your goal and most important your sanity. I have been sick for about 4 weeks now. Coughing most of the night, not sleeping well. I heard my phone vibrate, since I was already awake I figured I would look at it.

The text was from Charlie

“don’t know me still??!!

I know you! wassup?

mhmmm. wtf u been doing? not talking to me i know that much. but anything else interesting?

I figured you were busy.

(I lied) nothing interesting, just been sick the last few weeks. wassup with you besides drama?!

lol IDGAF everyone’s always in my biz but they always twist it up.

that’s the truth. what I hate is folks telling me about your shit. like one of your exes telling me you gave her your new number.

aha. she never used it. thing is that folks always add on to the story they tell about me.

true again. the stories are never boring for sure.

oh no?! why would they be that? hafta make juicy.

tacos tomorrow?!

it’s what we used to do, back in the day. then onto drinks, partying all long and running & gunning.

mmm tacos. not sure. I have other commitments (which I do, every night).

ahhh well just saying. well let me know when u can get away then…love to hang out with you again.”

Here is where I begin to see some of the motivation behind his contact.  The holidays soon approach, I was the one who can most relate to his loneliness and despair during the holiday season. I also know that he must be without a current victim. Someone who he calls, sucks up to to get what he needs & wants. Whatever that might be at the time. Otherwise he wouldn’t be texting me.

“it would be fun hanging with you too. but don’t think i would be able to anytime soon. we are so dysfunctional.

well, duh!!! well i’m sure u can work it out. U ALWAYS do!!!

true. but I’m trying to be responsbile. aren’t you working?

yup. i’m here. tired, bored and hungry.

Anything else new with you, that i don’t know about?

all about US!!! DUH

yes it is. there is always motivation behind all of our selfish actions. blog for mental health

This is where I let him know that I am aware of his selfishly motivated need to reach out to me. He wants or needs something from me, but what that is I am not sure of yet.

naaa. nothing really new. just working on that old case from C. (the crazy cunt, i call her). I hired a new lawyer.

oh. that case isn’t closed yet?! damn almost a year now.

nope. ain’t closed yet. they wanna gimme 1-3 and i ain’t going to the joint because of some crazy bitch.

(He sends me a photo of himself & a new girl in costume from this past Halloween).

oh your new girl? how cute.

nah just a friend.

i aint your momma or wife aint gotta lie

FRIEND! she already told me i’m too flirty with everyone so she could never be with me

you can wear her down, if you wanted too. if you go to jail, i’ll write you! lol

lol better come SEE me! yeah and u know babe, THAT’s too much work for me to try & wear them wear down

I ain’t driving more than 50 miles! lol there is always another one standing in line behind her.

EXACTLY!

ppl like us always have our next victim ready, move on to the next after bleeding the first dry.

This is my way of letting him know I still remember what he’s all about. How he acts, how he thinks.

lol ain’t gotta put it all like that honey. but it’s true.

it’s what we do and who we are.

I used to think like this, at times I still do. It just really depends on the person. Anymore, it’s just a matter of time before they leave my life. There are few actual friends that I have remaining in my life, for whatever the reason. I’ve been told on numerous occasions that I’m mean, heartless and at times manipulative. I will remain loyal to those friends who are in my life. I will do what I can, when I can. I will always be there for them when I can. It’s those others who for some reason, don’t click with me are the ones that don’t remain in my life.

ah well, guess it is what it is. just know i’m done with that love shit! never worked for me! see you should come out here to the parking lot…dark… secluded and i miss your lips!!!

And here we are! the admission of never longer looking for love and waiting me to visit him. His offering of a hint of what he thinks I crave & desire from him.


This is an old post that I found buried in my drafts folder. This was last year around this time. We started falling apart after this time period. As long toxic and dysfunctional relationships we couldn’t seem to let go of each other until we had no choice in the matter. Sadly, I keep thinking I can replace him with someone. How twisted is that?! Like most recovering junkies I’m trying to find another fix, but there isn’t one. This is all part of the insanity, torn in two.

I have written the end to this chapter of Charlie.

What did I do Now?

Mr. Sam & I have talked over the last few days. It’s always fun learning about people, making new friends and the process of it all. It does become more difficult as we get older, making new friends and bringing them into our present lives.

Mr. Sam has been an interesting one. There has always been something about him that I haven’t been able to put my finger on. I hate that, whatever “it” is about him eludes me.

I had heard rumors about him from an acquaintance, this somewhat prevented me from getting any closer to him, out of fear of my attachment issues. I tried to keep my distance-emotionally that is. [Borderlines have that fear of rejection & abandonment. This sensation can cause the Borderline to act out, become desperate to prevent the pain of being left. The actions can easily get out of control. Basically anything to numb the pain that we feel. Add in the mix that we became upset with the person who left us].

Unfortunately I couldn’t keep from getting addicted to his attention. At first it wasn’t a daily conversation, maybe once or twice a week normally at night when I was getting ready for bed. He would text me. We would text much about nothing. How he understood me, how he wanted to see the real me. He wanted to get passed my high walls & shields so that he could see the real me. I thought “hell, there is no real me!” Looking back the conversations weren’t really all that moving. He did try to comfort me when I was feeling low, he tried to make me laugh and smile. But there are few men that can accomplishment that with the greatest of ease. To me that’s a talent, making someone laugh & smile who doesn’t want but does anyway because they can’t help it.

Sam increased his communication with me, it became nightly. Reading some of his texts I asked myself “how much as he had to drink?” I hear my other half in my head…”you attract drunks, they are fascinated by you, full of drama which you crave.” So I figured that Mr. Sam probably fit into this group. I’ve seen him drunk because there were a few times the PHC had gotten together for dinner and drinks. He’s been coming on strong in the past few days. In the beginning he kept talking about wanting someone who is “the one.” I kept telling him “it’s not me!” I know damn well I’m too crazy for most men. For some reason, this group of men that I attract seem to think that they have the ability to cope with my crazy.

Mr. Sam would say “too old to play games” later he changed his tune to be happy with friends with bennies. I really had no intentions on that, but it was a fun little fantasy. He would include a lot of sexual innuendo in our conversations, but the conversations were never really to in-depth. Which to me was disappointing. The main thing he wanted to see is “the real me.” I had to laugh because there is only one person who has gotten to see the real me. They battled demons, jumped hoops and walked on fire rocks to get to see the real me and this derp thinks that I’m gonna just open the door and say “come on in.”

I told him that the circle he has traveled in has betrayed his trust and told one of his secrets. Eventually, the story slipped out, Sam was extremely upset even though he denied what I was told about him. We were still friends up until I joked and said “maybe I shouldn’t talk to you anymore.” He replied with “your choice.” That was the last I heard from him.

What upsets me the most is that I started to believe what he told me. I try to keep these kind of men away, arm’s distance about he was really nice. I thought in some way I could replace Charlie, but I was a fool. It did take a few days for me to get my feelings back to baseline.

Continue Reading about Mr. Sam

Insulting & Devaluing Charlie [BFMH2016]

Earlier during the day I had dealt with my ex husband and with Charlie. My  ex didn’t really have much of an effect on me. I only deal with him once a year at our grandsons birthday party. He talks, I talk, he talks some more and I laugh about him when the party is over. BUT Charlie is a different story. When I’m with Charlie or around him I turn into someone I don’t always like being. This time was one of those times.

I had stopped off at the watering hole because my friend had text me that she was there having a drink. When I sat down she mumbles “Charlie is here. He’s playing the machines.” Then another guy came up to me whispering “hey Charlie is at the machines.”Keeping Him Company

Charlie came up from behind me and hugged me, kissing my cheek. I have been hurt lately since I have felt rejection from him the last few times we hung out together. I know he doesn’t like his girls to be overweight. Hell I hate myself when I’m overweight. I have been for the past few months. That’s why I haven’t been taking photos or writing. The mental issues I have hit me pretty hard in the past few months.

Back to Charlie…I don’t know why I treated him so badly this most recent time I’ve seen him. Probably because I’m tired of his lies, mistreatment of me and angry with myself for allowing him to do what he does to me. I tell myself “Not this time.” Then I get caught up in his drama all over again. That day I rode the Fatboy to the bar, a few of the crew had to go and look at it. He walked out with them. I yelled “Don’t look at it, don’t even get near it, don’t touch it or even ask to sat on it.” Why I yelled this at him, is because his custom chopper was taken back by the bank for failure to make payments. He has lost his house, marriage, kids, boat, motorcycle, truck, job…because of the booze, drugs, gambling and whoring around. I had to rub all that in. Why? Because I was (am) hurt. I want him to hurt like he hurt me. He bad mouthed me to his family, they no longer speak to me. He uses me, lies to me. Why? That’s what he does. He does this to everyone, not just me. But I can’t handle the rejection from him. I hate the way I feel when he’s not in my life but I know he’s toxic for me.

I bad mouthed him in the bar to his friends. Something that has always been against our playtime rules. He hates being treated like that, because he’s so insecure on the inside. I know most of his weakness, the buttons to push to get specific reactions. I kept it up. I was running my mouth. Charlie doesn’t confront me like he does his other girls. Those girls get worse than I ever get. He gets physical, verbal with them but not with me.

Charlie kept trying to make eye contact with me. For of the time I refused to look him in the eyes. I know that if I do, I’m done. His brooding eyes have a way of pulling me in to his abyss. There was some small talk going on around us. He sat in the corner with someone in the middle of us. It was uncomfortable for both of us. I really don’t know why I was distant from him, the last time we were together was when I had too much to drink. Maybe because we crossed over the line.

You can read about our earlier time together here.

SpentI couldn’t help but to think about all the lies and bullshit he’s put me through. Telling every one else about his business, but leaving me out in the cold. I was drinking and getting more angry with every sip. Mostly I kept telling about all the lies, how he thinks I’m stupid and wont find out. So with that I started to become mean, vicious and assaulting him verbally both directly & indirectly.

I wanted him to feel the pain & hurt that I was feeling. I just kept on him about how he is just a little bitch. Something I know gets to him, I know he’s insecure inside. He’s that scared little boy with deep scars. I continued to scratch and tear at his scar tissue until he decided to call one of his girls to come pick him up. He said he had to go to his mothers to help her mow the lawn, that’s how I knew that I had gotten to him. His mother lives in a condo with lawn service, the folks in the bar didn’t know that but I do.

He said his goodbyes to the bar patrons and walked out the door. He said nothing to me. His friends looked at me with question marks on their faces. He & I are so close, he would never leave without saying goodbye to me like he did. I yelled “See! WTF?!” As I sat there composed, but in my mind the madness swirled around. He walked back in…”I need to say goodbye to you…I knew that if I left without saying goodbye, you would talk about me behind me back.” The small crowd of patrons around me looked in shock. I almost cried at the moment. Someone said “Yeah she had already started talking about you!” He answered “Yeah, I figured. She can be mad all she wants but we still love each other.” I jumped off the bar stool, turned to hug him “I love you, asshole.”

“I love you too.” he replied.

He walked back out the door. This was the last time I saw Charlie. As autumn approaches his life slowly begins to spiral down ward to a dark place. I heard that he has been 86’ed from coming to what used to be “our bar.” I heard he is back on the street again. I think of him often, with each time I hope I will see him again. Yet, deep inside my soul I know that seeing him again would only bring heartache.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.
  • Urges to lash out; the desire to get even or take revenge on someone who hurt you. You may want them to feel the pain & hurt you’re feeling.
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger.

Listen [AtoZChallenge]

Do you listen to yourself?

For those every day little decisions & ideas yes I do. For those detailed major life decisions no. I don’t always listen to myself. I run off and gather information and ask for others opinions.Listen

Sitting alone in a room quietly listening to myself? No. My mind will get bombarded with 1000 different thoughts. Sometimes one thought that will shoot off into another thought into another thought and so on. Then I think I fell over in sleep mode. LOL

When it comes to people, well … I try to listen to myself, but due to my emotion deregulation issues I find it difficult most times.

Try listening to yourself first. Take a few minutes and sit quietly somewhere without distractions. And just listen to yourself. A very simple form of medication. Breathe and listen to your inner voice.

Are you a passive or active listener?

I’m not a good listener. I’m a passive listener. I’m one of those people who doesn’t pay much attention to those who are not in my inner circle. I mean, sure I listen and I hear Charlie Brown’s teacher talking at me. I can admit my faults and this is a major one. I have tried (most of the time) to listen AND retain the information that I just heard.

If I just met you in a bar, I will nod and smile and agree with things you say like a good passive listener, but I won’t remember some of the things you told me the next day. Not because of the booze I drank, but because I figure I probably won’t ever see you again or that we will not form a lifelong relationship of any kind.

If you are in my inner circle and share with me things that are important in your life. Yes I will be listening. I’m still a passive listener not because I want to but because I interrupt and toss in my advice or personal experiences in to the conversation. I hate that about myself. I wish I could shut up and just listen and not offer any advice.

I used to tell my children and my Liege to touch me on my arm so that the behavior will register into my head that I’m to stop what I’m doing and listen to who ever is talking to me. Because when they would come to talk to me, I would be doing other stuff or in zombie mode and wouldn’t remember what they told me. Then they would say “Don’t you remember? I told you …. blahblahblah.” UGH … I hated that.

LThe following are some suggestions to help you with becoming a better listener.

  • Give your partner/talker your undivided attention. Put down or shut off your cell phone. Shut off any other distractions such as TV, radio. No multitasking of any kind.
  • Look at the person who is speaking to you. Face them, your body should be towards them so that they know that you are focused on what they are saying to you.
  • Do NOT interrupt, correct or pass judgment, especially when the talker is expressing negative feelings.
  • Try to put yourself in their place, in your own words repeat what they said to you so that they know that you heard them. Summarize what they said to you so that they know you understand what they said to you.
  • If your partner needs to talk to you about something important and the kids need attention, chores need to be finished, etc. Set a specific time when you both can talk without interruptions. Tell the kids that mom & dad are having quiet time in a comfortable room in the house and can’t be bothered for a specific amount of time.There are no set rules on any of these, it’s what works for you to become a better listener.

When my Liege and I first got together I would come home and emotionally vomit all over him. I had to get out my frustration, anger that I had experienced during the day. In the beginning he took it all personally. One day I came home ready to explode. He stops me and asks “Does this involve me? Did I do something to upset you?” I looked at him a bit confused as if to say “Why would you ask me that?” “NO. it has nothing to do with you!!! I just need to talk and vent.” A huge sigh of relief from him and he was ready to listen. I spewed unimportant stuff on him, it helped me with my emotional deregulation issues. It has become a routine for his listening and me talking. We set time before going to bed to discuss relationship stuff. That way we both know that whatever is being discussed is important because it’s about “us.”

One thing that we talk about is that we for any reason we switch roles from listener and talker that we are going to have lots of problems. I have tried to listen without interrupting or being distracted BUT I often fail miserably, haven’t given up trying (yet).

Emotions [AtoZChallenge]

I have problems regulating my emotions. What is simple & easy for a “normal” person is very difficult for me. I can not always get my emotions back to baseline in a sufficient amount of time. E

When I was younger I was repeatedly told to “stop crying.” I was told that I should get my emotions under control. I blame my divorced parents for my mental issues. They separated before I was born, shortly after my brother died. They fought all the time. My father always telling me to “stop crying, to get a grip on myself, there is nothing crying will do to solve the problem.” Looking back I think this is where I developed the unconscious belief that my emotions were not valid, not important to anyone, not even myself. My mother would hug me, hold me before my father would remove me from her and she would cry and cry. It took my years to be able to hug people. To this day I refuse to hug my mother. I do hug my children and my Liege (spouse).

When I was an adolescent I had only two emotions. Anger & sadness. When I wasn’t feeling either of those two, I felt nothing, empty and void. I also didn’t know why. I would fly in to fits of rage around to age of 8. I would wreck my bedroom, clothes and closets. I didn’t feel the need to hurt myself, cut self. I would have mood swings from that to sadness, depression and feeling so alone.

Nowadays I still have issues with some people and emotions. If a friend calls me to tell me what an asshole their spouse is and they are upset I pick up their emotions and double it. I get all worked up, then it takes me time to settle down. Certain people (Charlie) have a way of pushing me backwards, into that uncontrollable whirlwind of emotional instability.

I have found that with my Liege, that if he remains calm (and most often he is) I can deal with, sort through any of my family drama, friends gossip, etc. There are times when he gets angry with something someone does and he will tell me, explain it to me and then I tend to feel the same way he does. But not all the time. I often lean on him to keep my emotional instability in check when dealing with the kids. I have him talk for me instead of me cussing out one of the kids for something, he says something very differently. Which is a very good thing. emotionsSometimes my emotions sweep me up and it’s all out before I can think.

Another thing I try to do is limit my amount of time with people in general. At work, I say hello, etc but won’t stand around long enough to get in to the gossip. I have noticed that when I do hang out with people socially (without alcohol) it is very draining on me. I need a nap afterwards. I also use my spouse as an emotional outhouse when I get home. Spewing out all the crap I stored up throughout the day. He sits there quietly, listening and when I’m finished he hugs me and says something to make me laugh. We joke about my flirting with other men. He says “if they only knew what or how you really are.”

My emotional instability is a real part of me. I try to hide it, but sometimes I can’t control it. Most days if you were to ask me how I feel I would respond with “nothing, blank, empty.” Which I consider to be my normal. For me it means that my emotions are not overreacting, not of control or causing me pain. I will pretty much do anything to prevent emotional pain. I will continue to learn how to live with all of this. I can tell you what works for me, may not work for you. I like saying I’m just a little high-strung at times.

The Numbness has Returned [BFMH]

I’ve been busy working on the cleaning of the basement while I’ve been off for the week. I think I have found a few more of my triggers.

Not being able to finish a chore like cleaning the basement. In my mind I can see that it is a simple task.

  • Sort through some boxes.
  • Donate the leftovers.
  • Clean up the rest.

Pretty simple. Right?! Nope. I get all kinds of side-tracked. Sorting through my boxes of books made me cry. I looked through the books, I felt like I couldn’t give some of them away. Others I’ve had since I was in high school. My pile to keep is larger than the pile to donate. WTF?! Emotional

This post was not about sorting books, but how I feel now. I feel like I did when I was a kid. When I felt depressed, full of pent-up energy. I haven’t had sex in over a week. I blame that on myself. A person can not act out with out some form of consequences for their actions. My health suffers every so often. I wanna go to my local bar, see my bartender and drink. Drink & drink some more. I feel nothing now. I want to feel something. Anything.

I want to do a bump in the dingy bathroom. I wanna look at a stranger in that watering hole and fuck him in that same bathroom. I wanna feel something. Anything. I want that high that I’m craving. I held my phone in my hand, I almost text Charlie. My fear is disappointment. If I text Charlie, he doesn’t answer me. I’m rejected and it will push me further down the hole. If I text Charlie and he does answer, we meet for drinks & I get disappointed because I’m not getting the attention I’m craving.

I sit here typing out my thoughts instead of chasing those thoughts I just mentioned. Years ago I would be out the door, maybe that’s it. I feel I have no valid reason to leave my house. Maybe its resentment. He already said I could leave if I wanted to. But that’s just it. If I leave, I’m afraid that I will do something that I will regret later. It’s times like this that I will take a long hot bath, cry in the tub and know that tomorrow is another day.

I guess I want to be in that place where I’m safe, yet the noise drowns out the noise in my head. A place where the drunks talk & I smile politely at them, but hear nothing they say.

I know I make no real mention of my Liege, other than he gave his permission for me to leave if I felt I needed to. He is understanding and said “I don’t want to abandon you, if you want me to stay.” I never beg, ask or say “yes. I want you to stay, when a person really wants to do something else.” I will emotionally close off from him until I feel back to my “normal” again. I will try to do something to keep me from falling completely off the edge into the dark hole.

Disappointed. Empty. Numb. Tomorrow is a new day.

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