Go on and tell me lies, but hold me tight

I had been desperately trying to get back in to the habit of taking photos.

I remember reading Molly’s writing on why she took photos of herself and how she started it due there was another women who was taking nude photos of herself. Bottom line the photos were to boost self-esteem, create body positive awareness. I guess not to be afraid of sharing the photos, let the inner person shine through.

Those of us that take part in taking photos of ourselves and share them online, have a process that we do. Well I do. It’s no biggie if I’m just using my iPhone to snap a quick shot of myself. Otherwise my house has to be empty, unless I’m taking night photos. I have my music playing in the background to set my mood. That’s a must have-music! And I have to be in the right frame of mind. I seeing a pattern of dark moody portraits more often. Not sure why, I do like taking those better. Mr. Sam keeps telling me that I need to smile more in my photos and he keeps telling me to push myself to do more.

When did I gain all this weight? I weigh the same but holy fuck the fat is slipping out everywhere. No wonder why women have melt-downs. It’s difficult to compete with others online. Sure I’m not suppose to be comparing myself to others, but I do. After taking this last set of photos I don’t want to take anymore. Sure I can take photos of others, landscapes, animals anything but ME! Who the fuck wants to see what I see in the photos. Gross.

I have started to work out, walking and cycling everyday. As much as my knee will allow me too. I know it’s not going to happen over night, the losing weight part. As part of me doesn’t even care anymore. I ask myself I was doing this all for an emotional high and if this isn’t giving me one I guess if its time to move on to something else.

What hurt me tonight is when I took the photos, I sent them to my Beloved and to Mr. Sam. I sent the originals because they always ask for them and then the edited photos. This time I got nothing. Mr. Sam is having attitude because I told him I’ll be going out tomorrow night. Lately he has shown signs of jealousy. My Beloved isn’t fond of my dark moody portraits. When I said how fat I looked there was no response. It took all I could not to scream at him to call him mean things but I got my Borderline issues under control. He knew to give me space until I can process the ugliness that I feel now. I count on both of them to love me for the crazy wild chick that I am. To give me some feedback, but when I didn’t get it this time and that’s what’s bothering me right now.

Neither one of them will lie to me, neither one of them has so far. Sometimes I wish they would lie about how I look, tell me I’m not fat. But they know that I would yell at them “stop lying!” Tomorrow I hope that I’m over this emotional hump and continue with my workouts.

I like this photo below, there’s something about it that speaks to me.

With this Ring [product review]

When Charlie left my life, I felt vulnerable in the bar. The night Charlie & I said our final goodbyes I met Mr Sam. I needed someone to keep me company & protect me at the bar. Mr. Sam’s life is a bit complicated and doesn’t want any other outside commitments. We discussed our problems and decided it would be best if we partnered up. He keeps away all the unwanted advances & I do the same for him. For some reason he felt he needed a ring. He was getting hit on by a lot of women, told he looks like that one actor from that one movie by men. We always laughed at that one. To seal the deal and make it all look legit I got him a ring. Mr Sam is now my body-guard and partner in crime.  We have now a commitment.

banded glory, latina sexblogger, silicone ring, wedding ring, review blogger

I looked around and found something he liked. Now he has something to the wear when all those women walk up to him in the bar and tell him how good-looking he is and how he looks like that one actor.

Inexpensive. Practical. Comfortable. I like that it is available in a lot of different colors. It really is a great little ring.

His Darkness affects My Darkness

I don’t remember how long it took me to finally trust or to feel secure with my Beloved. It’s going on 20 years of insanity between us. Looking back I don’t think we had a lot of problems but outsiders looking in have told me that they thought we were getting divorced because of all the bickering.

Now that Mr. Sam has been in my life I can see where & how my insecurities crop up. For those of us who suffer from Borderline, having someone else who also has a mental illness only causes more issues that need to be addressed.

Caring for them both for them deeply, I don’t ever want to lose either one of them. However, at times one of them shuts down on me. I feel left out. I have no idea whats going on in that head of his. Sadly that the sociopath in me doesn’t care, but that’s with anyone. I’m not a person to ask lots of questions, unless I’m looking for something. I probably should ask questions because someone who suffers from chronic depression can easily slip down that slope into total darkness to be lost in their madness.

I always have to “emotionally vomit” on one of the important men in my life. Emotionally vomiting (my term that I always use) is when I have to get everything out of my being so that I don’t erupt on the wrong person or do or say something, anything that I will regret. So one day my Beloved asked me “Wait. Wait. Are you mad at me? Did I do or say anything to upset you? Is this directed at me?”

I laughed and said NO silly. I just need to vent so that I don’t explode. He breathed a huge sigh of relief. I continued. It’s what I do now. I vent on one of the two men, who ever is available at the time. Now if neither one is available then there is a problem because I get frustrated, impatient and restless. Those feelings then push me to do impulsive things, things I wouldn’t normally do, well maybe. Things that try to fill the emotional void. Sometimes I think I do things to make me feel, something, anything.

Emotions … acting without the benefit of intellect.

I know can see that communication is key in any relationship. But if one has a mental illness and shuts down then what? Do I get in their face and demand for them to talk? I won’t. I can’t. When it comes to Mr. Sam I am still walking on shaky ground. What bothers me the most is his inability to just tell me what he needs, if its space, time or a shoulder. Then again when someone is falling into their darkness how can they reach out? I know that he is not leaving me (yet) and I am not leaving him. I do enjoy his friendship, his tenderness and ability to see me for who I truly am.

The best thing for me is to keep my hands busy because when the mind has nothing to focus on then that’s when I get into trouble. I have tons of things to do. Things that I have neglected for months. But first things first, get some photos done and then finish up all those reviews I have.

After I published this post, one of the last songs Charlie had played for me came on my playlist. I floated away to that moment that our relationship was falling apart, but the lyrics to this song can now apply to Mr. Sam. I don’t ever want to lose him but yet a part of me knows nothing last forever. I will do what I do best when we get like this. If you wanna know the song you can find out by clicking this youtube link.

Crawl! Get on all fours and Crawl! [kotw]

The first image that came into my mind when I read the prompt for kink of the week was the scene in one of my favorite movies “9 1/2 Weeks.”

When I watched it back then I felt like there is no way I would ever want to crawl for anyone and the money would make me feel like a prostitute. I wasn’t turned on by that scene at all nor would I get turned on by watching someone crawl to me.

If there was a man in my life who felt submissive more than dominant, I suppose I could see him crawling for me or to me. If I’m on the floor with my partner and he crawls to me, it’s not because it’s a sexual thing it’s because he probably is getting closer to me and crawling would be easier than standing up and walking.

Adding to this that my knees are no longer the knees of a 20 something year old. I’m missing ligaments in one knee and this Thursday I will get the results of my recent MRI test on the other knee, which the doctor seems to think I tore the meniscus. So, I am not thrilled to be on the floor crawling on my hands and knees.

I will say Molly’s prompt photo is very sexy, crawling photos? Yes I think those can be sexy. Still not sexually turned on by looking at them.

Molly asked “…those that actively hate the idea of it. Why do you think is?”

Why do I hate crawling? I don’t. I just don’t get in to crawling.  In my mind it makes me degraded more than I care to feel. I don’t mind a good degrading hardcore fucking but crawling on all fours crosses a line with me. I really don’t have a specific reason. The kink of crawling leaves me cold and indifferent. I don’t see it ever being a part of my sex life.

Wanna read more about the kink of crawling? Click the banner below and read more.

 

 

Emergency Exit

Sometimes I wish there was an “emergency exit” door on my life, during those situations when its awkward, uncomfortable or when I know that my behavior will have consequences. Last night was a perfect night for an emergency exit door. Some times I look for the exit door in my relationships. If I can’t find out I’ll make one or cause the other person to push me out of the door.

I guess I look for the exit when my emotions get too much for me. When I feel that I am losing or when I don’t want to deal with the issues at hand. Isn’t it easier just to walk out of that exit door than to have to look at those issues at hand?

Yeah, it’s a cop-out and a lot of people just walk out of the exit door of your life and don’t look back.emergency exit, sassycat3000, borderline personbality disorder, mental illness, blog for mental health awareness, latina sexblogger, a to z challenge

Being a borderline, my emotions are up & down and back & forth. My hand on the exit door handle, threatening to leave the person whom I wish most to connect with. The fear of being smothered mixed with the fear of losing my autonomy pushes me to the door every time. There were a few times that I walked out of the exit door of someone’s life, stood on the other side of the door frantically pulling on the handle attempting to re-enter from the emergency exit. Its impossible and can’t be done. I stand there completely alone, empty and wanting to feel something. Anything to remove the pain of my stupid mistake. Never meaning to hurt the one I love, but I did. Now I’m hurting as well. Now wtf?!

If you happen to fall in love with a Borderline, please know that it’s not you, its them. You need rules. You need to always be communicating with them and breaking everything down so that they understand as if they were a child, but never ever sound condescending. This will push them quicker than ice cream melting on a 90 degree summer day.

Here I stand looking at the emergency exit door. Just looking at it. Considering all my options. I’m not ready to walk through the door just yet.

Last Day of Spring Break with Mr Sam

Friday was a beautiful day, the last day of my spring vacation. I asked him to think of something to do. day drinking, sassycat3000, latina, sexblogger, alcohol, bar scene

He thought of something romantic and intimate. We started out the day early with some alone time. He wanted to show me that we are not all about the sex. That there is more to our relationship than just the sex. We have moments when we try to focus on not being so physical.

We started out running a few errands, including walking through a liquor department. I love booze bottles, looking at them, reading the drinking flavors and names. Some bottles are so beautiful others are boring. I enjoy looking none the less. Sam was looking for a bottle of wine. I’m not a wine drinker, sure its good for ya but I still do not like it all that much. He couldn’t find what he was looking for, so he suggested I get something for myself. We ended up grabbing some travel size bottles of booze.

He had hoped for warmer weather, but Friday was breezy, damp and cloudy. We drove down to the river and parked. “Since it’s cold outside, we’ll have our little picnic in the car.” He had planned out a wonderfully romantic picnic of cheeses, meats and crackers, we both had a disappointing sigh when we realized he had forgotten the grapes. It’s been a long time since anyone has done something so sweet for me. We sat in the car, listening to tunes, munching on the food and drinking our adult beverages.

We stopped off at our places, freshened up, changed clothes before headed out again. I had forgotten that I was supposed to pick up a book at the library. We headed over there so I could get it before the library closed. Arriving back to our dive bar, where everyone knows our name. We walked in and oddly the place was crowded. We mingled with our fellow boozehounds. Sam is tall, slim and sexy and tipsy which makes me even more adorable to me. Until it passes that past of point of no return and begins the down ward spiral. I got off on watching him talk, mingle through the crowd of men. Thinking back to when I start met Sam he was quiet and didn’t know a soul, now that I introduced him to other patrons they welcome him with open arms.  He is super charming, very relaxed. He reminds me of Charlie…all the men want to be him and all the women want to be with him. He does put on a good front, don’t we all?

We ended up leaving to go to another bar. There I seen a side of Sam that I couldn’t help but to fall for. He spoke to me about how he feels, the future, about my work. He told me things about myself that I don’t want to admit nor did I want anyone else to know that about me. We talked in length about my writing, photography and how he believes that I am not stepping outside my comfort zone. That I keep myself in the nice safe and comfortable box I built for myself.

We ended the night on a good note. I can see my addictive personality coming out in full force. I can and am becoming more addicted to him, but this is not a good thing. Well sort of, but I know that it will end in a painful explosive crash. For now I’m riding this out for as long as I can.

 

Why isn’t One Man Enough?

If you are a regular reader of mine, you already know about Mr. Sam.

Last week Mr. Sam hit a rough patch in our friendship. The next day I unloaded most of my emotional wreckage onto my Beloved. He sat there listening to me babble on about Mr. Sam. I think my Beloved thought that the newness of Mr Sam would wear off. However, it has not. Although Mr Sam tends to get under my skin, so does my Beloved so that’s not a big deal. My Beloved knows I get bored with life, friends, family and activities.sassycat3000, latina, sexblogger, relationships, lovers, affairs, wayward

Boredom is my main trigger that gets me into major trouble when I don’t keep a close eye on it. I can get into a lot of trouble when I’m bored. Is that the same as being bored with one man? I believe we were never met to be monogamous. Does that mean we get bored with one partner? I have become bored with my Beloved? Maybe. Routine. Is that boredom. Is it that I am a different person now that I was when I first married him? I think I am a little different, not much. I think that the woman I am now was hiding all those years ago.

My beloved & I have gotten into a comfortable marital rut. You know, routines, patterns and competency. And what is my trigger? Right, boredom. Routines and patterns cause boredom. Through out our marriage I have always had another man in the background. I refer that guy to “the drunk I need in my life.” Because 9 times out of 10 the guy who is in the background is some addict, mainly alcoholics. They provide the chaos and drama I need to keep me going.

Looking back to the early 2000’s when my life hit the skids, when I had my mid-life crisis. It was then I used the internet to escape from reality. I met a few men, through social sites I was on. These men don’t haunt me like they used too. The ones that are fresh in my memory are my 805muse, he was around for almost 7 years. A daily dose of my drunken muse, until he reconnected with sobriety and his cult the JW’s. Not sure about the time frame, but then enters Charlie. Charlie comes back into my life, having his drunk ass in my life was wonderful UNTIL his toxicity contaminated me after years of being clean. I enjoyed having Charlie in my life. However we both knew it was time to end it. So we did just that.

In October 2016 I met Mr. Sam. He has consumed a lot of my time since our meeting. I have neglected so much work, chores and other things. We text during the day when I’m at home. We text in the last evenings before I go to bed. Mr. Sam is always there. There was a few weekends ago when I kicked him to the curb for something I pushed him to do. After a night of thinking I might have lost him, I cried to my Beloved about losing my background guy.  I’m not sure what my Beloved was expecting with this new man in the background at all. I like having Mr Sam in my life, I know he’s always there for me when I need him. He listens, we laugh a lot, we party together and we can understand each other on a different level than my Beloved and I. I really do love Mr Sam, in my own crazy way, more so than the others. I really would hate to give him up. I can’t see what life would be like without him, yet I know deep in my heart – nothing lasts forever.

The morning I cried to my Beloved about Mr Sam, I asked him “why can you be enough? Why isn’t one man enough for me? What’s wrong with me, I feel the need to have two men or sometimes more in my life at all times?” I felt horrible about saying that to him, had he said I would have died. He sat there and listened, comforting me as I cried about the possibility of losing the other man in my life. What sick & twisted shit is this?

Mr Sam looked at me at said “You just want to combine me & your Beloved into one man, into your perfect man.” I laughed and smiled and asked “is that possible?” LOL. Deep in my heart I know this will not end how I envisioned it, but will probably end in more tears and shattered hearts than happily ever after. I wish I knew why one man is not enough for me.

This was Wicked Wednesday’s Prompt #248 

Having Drinks with Mr. Sam

Sunday night is quieter from the other days, except during football season. But, due to the weather this was a dead Sunday at the dive bar. Mr. Sam must have walked in seconds before I did, he was still taking off his coat. There wasn’t a good place at the bar, so we walked over to the corner booth. It’s a round booth in the corner, tucked away from onlookers.
“Sitting here isn’t going to be obvious, is it?” He said.
“I don’t care. We aren’t doing anything wrong.” I replied.
“Yet…you forgot to say yet.”
I laughed after he said that. We sat there for a few minutes before Astro walked over to turn on the overhead lights and the bar lights. We both looked at each other and smiled.
He walked back to his side of the bar. A few minutes later “Bubbles” walked up to us … “How are you guys doing? Hey, I can’t believe how stupid Charlie is and what he did.”
I didn’t want to be in the dark, but I didn’t understand what she was talking about. I sat there and nodded my head. “Don’t worry no one associates you with him anymore.”
Now that made me kind of nervous, considering what other shit I have heard and been told on the street. “Well, thank heaven for that. We haven’t been together in years. We hung out together these passed through years. You know, Charlie his charming personality, it’s difficult to stay mad at him.”
“I know right. He really is sweet. But a total fuck-up.”
I laughed. We talked about some of our mutual bar friends and life. She got up after she finished her drink with us, walking back to sit at the bar.

henryshardsoda, drinking, alcohol, beer, photo a day, 365

Day 15 of 365

Mr. Sam & I were talking about general stuff, there was never any touching each other. We have tried to keep the status of our relationship a secret, but after last Friday I think it’s a bust. I haven’t even written about that night yet! oh lord.
We stayed until about 10pm. Catching a nice little buzz, we left and headed to his place.

“Are you gonna be brave enough to come inside or you gonna just drop me off?” I’m deciding on the two options I had, “Yes, I’ll go inside with you.”
I knew he lives with his parents who are both suffering from several health issues. I felt like a teenager again being snuck into the house. He held my hand as we walked up the stairs. Opened the door with his name on it, which I laughed. His parents were asleep, and it was so quiet in the house. I stood there as he closed the door behind him. “Do you want water or coffee?”
“Water…I need water.” I answered.
I sat on the end of his bed drinking my bottled water. He sat next to me, we didn’t speak a word. He started to gently caress my arm back and forth. I felt relaxed. He leaned in to kiss me and I kissed him back. We laid back on the bed, moving up on the bed. My boots are hanging off the edge of the bed because I wasn’t taking them off. He rolled over on top of me. We’re still kissing, I feel him grind his hard cock on me over our jeans. Can this really be happening? Are we dry humping? Yes. we are. Inside I’m laughing but on the outside we are kissing hard & deep. He rolls over on to his back and I curl up next to him. He holds me tight, caressing my back. I drift off on his chest. I wake up to the sound of myself snoring. He laughed. “I wasn’t falling asleep because I know you hafta leave soon.”
“Another 30 minutes.”
We talked about the rest of the week and he showed me some of his art work. Time was up and he walked me out.

Read what happens next in “Hiding Away” 

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