SInce that incident on Saturday night, my phone hasn’t stopped ringing. People from the streets texting and calling telling me their side of the story.
I am trying to get my emotions regulated. I’m trying to keep myself occupied so that I will not obsess over all the information that I know.
I feel like an outsider, but I’m really not. I’m glad I can’t drive because I would have driven over to her house and tossed a molotov cocktail through her bedroom window. I have not felt so much hate for another human being, not even my ex husband. Sure I wanted him dead too, but thought my children would have a difficult time accepting another man over a ghost. Who can compete with a ghost?
I think about what type of person, a woman, what type of personality does something like this? She is a psychopath? Maybe I can use this in some sort of story. My mind actually thinks of ways to kill another human being. How could I dispose of her body? What’s my alibi? I would want that first. Solid, but how does one get that. I think about all those people who disappear without a trace and no one ever finds out what happens to them. Could she disappear as easily?
What in our human makeup prevents us from actually killing other humans? Why in some humans are the desire so strong to kill someone that they can’t resist the urge? What happened to this crazy cunt that she would so far in having her ex boyfriend murdered? Just because he cheated on her? Because he no longer wanted her around? What wrong did he commit in her eyes that would push her to conspire to have him murdered by a neighborhood gang?
See, I need to keep myself busy, because thoughts like this go through my head. I feel a mix of emotions.
I’m glad that he’s kind of out of my life, hanging on the fringes.
Wait. I had it all planned out for the summer. Surgery first, bike second and then my phone got shut off. I wanted to be the one to disappear. The last time I seen him I didn’t even hug him. Instead I yelled at him about the disgusting skanky friends he was hanging out with. Now, maybe this will finally end the roller coaster ride we’ve been riding together. Maybe just maybe this is the last chapter in the chaos & drama. I’ll have to find another place to hang out. Someone else to cling to for that added drama fix. Haha, right.
I need to refocus myself. Emotionally broken people have such a difficult time with this type of shit. I feel abandoned, like a kitten left out in the rain. I feel my uncontrollable emotions boiling underneath the surface. Why should I? Why should I have any emotion about this at all? Maybe I need a good night’s sleep. Keeping one’s mind occupied is a major role in good mental health. Positive activities. Can’t wait to start walking around and driving. First thing I will be doing is taking a road trip to clear my clouded mind.
This is written in participation with the “Blog for Mental Health 2015” meme. CLICK the banner for more information.