G texts me this late afternoon. Surprisingly, I didn’t have my phone with me, it was upstairs. I missed his first text by 15 minutes.
“hey i met a guy who has some stuff. Feel like partying a bit? I know you’re hurting.”
I am shocked by this. G must be watching my Facebook, having an idea of my emotional state. Why he thought I would “party” with him….ok, back in the day. I partied A LOT. BUT we are responsible adults now. RIGHT?!
Yes? No? Maybe?
Sure, I’ll try some.
where u wanna meet me?
when ever ur ready
SWEET! u wanna fuk too?????
of course if u got time!
OHHHH I got time! lol
where & when?
upstairs..I’ll sneak u in @ 6
k..45 mins..c u soon
ya that cool?
sweet…u wanna fuck?
i’m ready 😉 do a rail together and then FUK!
k…want me there now?
NO..not yet…just be here by 6
I start walking down the stairs. I hear his voice at the top of the stairs. “Damn that was fast”
I have a fast car now.
that foreign crap??!!!
shut up! its a sweet ride!
Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out the little plastic baggie. I begin to feel instant regret, guilt and that “what if I get caught” feeling. He checks his phone, trying to unwrap the baggie. Do you have a dollar?
NO! Having my purse would make noise and being without it makes for an easy escape.
Laughing loudly he says an easy escape! Ok, babe…here, I got a buck. I know you are down, thought this would help, BUT its a ONE time deal, you understand?!
I smiled, as if to say “thank god” I understand!
He put some on the table. He is trying to close the baggie. His phone goes off…hey cut that up.
yeah don’t act like you don’t know what you’re doing! you aint innocent. And why you being so quiet? talk to me.
Ahhh, i’m used to us NOT talking due to you not wanting anyone to hear us and risking getting caught.
Well, just cut it up into two..one for me and one for you.
I did as I was told.
He did his, handing me the rolled up bill, I do mine. He walks around for a bit.
You feeling ok? Good, huh? I just nod. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. My stomach sunk to the floor, til the feeling hit me. I walked over to the window to get some air. He shut off the light in the kitchen, walking towards me, pulls me toward him. Kisses me, just like we used to. We stand there by the window, kissing passionately, tongues dancing. I like sucking on his tongue when he pushes it into my mouth. His hands make their way inside my jeans (no panties again) his hands on my ass cheeks, squeezing hard, pulling me tightly against him. My hands on his back holding him, all the while kissing.
He starts to unzip his pants. He strokes his cock just for a few seconds. I feel him getting hard. Pulling a chair out…
I’m suppose to sit there?! is that where you want me to sit?
Yessss, let me do what I do best. I squat down, look up at him smiling. I love it when you watch me.
He winks at me, nodding just once. I slowly take his cock into my mouth. Both hands on his clean shaven pubic area, my thumbs pushing his balls up towards my lower lip. I suck long strokes, when I reach the base I lick his balls, also gently massaging with my thumbs. I move one hand to his shaft, stroking & sucking at that same time. He leans his head on his hand, I look up and see his eyes are closed as if he is sleeping, but with a slight smile on his face, like he’s at peace, quickly opening his eyes, staring at me again.
I decide it’s time to ride his cock now. I stand up, taking off my pants. You wanna feel this in your pussy? As he strokes his cock a bit.
Yessss, can i?
Yeah ride me babe..fast & hard. I mount him, guiding his hard member into my awaiting pussy. That amazing feeling when it first goes in. sigh. I’m getting off on just feeling deep inside me. He’s watching my face. I’m looking at his lips, not looking him in the eyes. Riding. Up & down, then changing to sliding back & forth. His hands on my ass, spreading my cheeks apart, pushing & pulling me while he is holding on.
His hands move from there to my shirt, lifting my shirt, up with my bra. He sucks on one nipple, not hard like he usually does, his hand is on the other. I can’t hold off much longer, I start moving faster, breathing harder. He knew I had cum, just by the way my thighs were shaking, my vocal cues are enough for him to know. We kiss a few times more. I wanted to whisper his name, but I just couldn’t get it out of my mouth. His hands are back on my ass, he is moving up thrusting into me quickly.
Yeah baby yeah, just like that…fuckkkkk….yeah gimme your cum baby. His eyes were closed, head tilted back. I heard that deep moan. That was it. We stopped moving.
Yup 123. I stood up. Our DNA mixture dripped onto his thigh.
Oh, look you got me!
Opps sorry. Giggling as I walk towards the bathroom. I noticed that we both came a lot. I was really wet. He was already dressed by the time I returned. He walked me to the door, wait right here! till i text you that’s its clear
I’m gonna go stand my the side door as cover!
ohhh gotcha. I pretty much run to my car.
There’s the reckless, risky behavior I spoke about. I understand how I used the drugs & sex. In a strange way, I used those to fill the emptiness I was feeling at that time. It wasn’t about love or getting high, but more about feeling something. It was about being distracted from whatever was really causing me pain at the moment in my life. Using both as some sort of band-aide, as if that would ease the true pain I was experiencing at the time. The sex was great, it always is when it’s like this. The rush of it all, that becomes the addiction, right? Do I feel guilty about it, no. Should I?
After reading my journal entries from years ago. I’m thankful that I learned something from that risky behavior. I learned to see some of my triggers. Not to hold everything inside. Not to be afraid to share with that special someone, who will do his best to listen, help and most important to me, is to say that everything is gonna be ok, I’m right here with you. There are situations, incidents or even drama that might push me into that direction again. Sometimes I have a very difficult time fighting the urge not to go back to that “Charlie Sheen lifestyle” as I like to call it. It’s all part of growing, maturing and understanding. Never boring that’s for sure.