Day 7 – Sassy’s 12 Days of Sexmas

I have a few minutes to take some evening photos. Now that the Manchild has returned it has been more difficult to do any sort of evening photos, like I would like to do.

I took this photo, but it didn’t come out exactly how I wanted it to. However there is still something about it that I can’t make myself delete it.

So I darkened it up, color splashed it, added some grit & sand and voila!!!

I showed it to “Mr. Sam” and he titled it “Memories Past.”

 

Latina, sassycat3000, sexblogger, BNW, colorsplash, Sassy's 12 Days of sexmas

This photo may not be erotic enough for some, however its the emotion I wanted you to see. Do you see it?

Sassy's 12 Days of Sexmas 2016

Bound by Fear

 

Sometimes I feel to afraid to do anything; to make decisions. The fear I may make the wrong choice.  The fear of judgement if I say or do something that isn’t acceptable.  The fear of being who I want to be, that others may walk away from me leaving me to stand alone.  I’m bound by fear. I know I can break free. It feels secure & safe being bound by fear, because I have an excuse for my behavior. For today, this is how I feel and tomorrow is a new day.

Thanks to topcotoyz for providing me with the two props in this photo. Japanese Silk Love Rope Gag Ball and the Japanese Silk Love Rope Wrist Cuffs.

Sympathy 

Stranger than your sympathy

And this is my apology

I killed myself from the inside out

And all my fears have pushed you out
And I wished for things that I don’t need

(All I wanted)

And what I chased won’t set me free

(It’s all I wanted)

And I get scared but I’m not crawlin’ on my knees
Oh, yeah

Every thing’s all wrong, yeah

Every thing’s all wrong, yeah

Where the hell did I think I was?
And stranger than your sympathy

Take these things, so I don’t feel

I’m killing myself from the inside out

And now my head’s been filled with doubt
We’re taught to lead the life you choose

(All I wanted)

You know your luck’s run out on you

(All I wanted)

And you can’t see when all your dreams aren’t coming true
Oh, yeah

It’s easy to forget, yeah

When you choke on the regrets, yeah

Who the hell did I think I was?
And stranger than your sympathy

And all these thoughts you stole from me

And I’m not sure where I belong

And nowhere’s home and no more wrong
And I was in love with things I tried to make you believe I was

And I wouldn’t be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted

And all the dark and all the lies were all the empty things

Disguised as me
Mmm, yeah

Stranger than your sympathy

Stranger than your sympathy

Mmm – The GooGoo Dolls

  

Bunny Ears [A to Z Challenge]

I racked my brain trying to think of something a “B” topic … I couldn’t come up with one.

I walked away from thinking about it and focused on my photo ideas for Sinful Sunday. I realized that Sunday is Easter. I spaced out as usual and forgot. I thought “OH I have BUNNY EARS!!!!

Let’s take a photo using the bunny ears. And that’s what I did. Below are a few photos that I took for my Easter Bunny theme Sinful Sunday set.

 

            

 At some point during this photo shoot, I get depressed. Looking at myself in the camera made my stomach turn with disgust. The self-loathing started to build within me and I wanted to shut down. I wanted to cry, the emptiness was thick & heavy within. I quickly ran out of time, had to return to work. No time to cry or for feeling ugly. Put on that happy face, I kept telling myself work will pass by quickly. It did. I know that the day will be over soon. I can get a good night’s rest and tomorrow (hopefully) I won’t feel the empty & ugly feeling like I do now.

BFMH2015

On My Emotional Roller Coaster [BFMH2014]

After spending time with “da hoodrat” I am now suffering the consequences. I am emotionally confused.

I feel angry at myself for giving him my time and for listening to him. I don’t believe that he told me the truth. Ok. There was truth in there somewhere, but I’m sure that he found it difficult to be honest with me. I’m angry for allowing myself to get sucked into his story.

I feel rejected. He has all those other people in his life. However, I must stay a secret. This makes me angry again. I feel slightly abandoned, however this was one of the first times in a very long time that he texted me afterwards to tell me how he appreciated our time together. Emotional

My self-image spirals down. I feel fat, ugly and undesirable. Even though he said it wasn’t me. That it was him, that he was under stress and medication preventing him for an erection. But, it still causes my self-image, my self-esteem to spiral down. Not feeling worthy of anything more.

I feel jealousy because I want to be that other person. I want to be the one. I know I will always have a special place with him that no one else with ever have. Not just saying that, I know it’s true. I have something that no other women with ever have with him, yet I’m still jealous of those other women. I am jealous of the life he has. Sure, he graduated from Bad Boy U, that’s what makes him exciting. I’m jealous that he has charisma, which I don’t have.

I’m emotionally confused. I feel one thing, moments later I feel another. I got caught up in the start of the push-pull game.

I was wondering would it bother you if we stopped? Don’t answer now. Think about it first.

Well, be more specific silly!! Stopped what? Stopped talking? Stopped other stuff? No contact at all? What are you talking about?

lol. well the only tine we talk is when we are together. I was basically thinking no contact for a while. you’ve got a lot on your plate right now. Just thinking one less thing to add to your stress, ya know?

No stress. lol. actually was a stress reliever this time to sit & talk.

oh ok. just making sure after we talked. SOmetimes it helps to eliminate as many stressors.

 My emotions are on a roller coaster. I haven’t been here in since August, it’s now October. I think that’s pretty good. I know he is leaving, he has to. He doesn’t have a choice, yet I feel abandoned, rejected. I think about where else can I get my fix. How will I satisfy that urge? I wish there was someone else who knows what he knows. I don’t have any new prospects. I’m feeling like throwing in the towel on all of this. I feel an empty feeling being here. I know to take one time at a day, but it’s how I feel-today.

I will continue to muddle along however I think I might tweak all of this a little. Sometimes we need to re-focus on what’s important. That’s what I might need to do, for myself.

My Crazy Ways [BFMH2014]

Sitting here after talking to a friend who said she seen him back in town. Oh Shit! No Way!! He’s working in the same place he was before he left. All sorts of thoughts float through my mind. I start looking at the unfamiliar cars parked on my street. I start to look over my shoulder as I walk down the street. I wonder if there will be a time when I run into him in a public setting. What will I do? How will I handle it?

Not sure what I will do, it will just have to happen.

I know that once the word is out on the street that he is back, I will get treated differently once again. As if I talk to him or that I can no longer be trusted with any sort of information and then my Charlie Sheen lifestyle will end. It will end as quickly as it started. I want to have that life on the back burner. I need it. I crave it. I made mention of this to someone, just to hear his advice. What a joke. He tells me “just tell him you’re a big girl and don’t need any help.” This advice coming from a man who wants it get into my pants. UGH. If he’s like this, he must be absolutely boring and selfish in bed. Just another reason I’m thrilled I never had any sexual encounter with him. I would hate myself if I gave him any type of fuck. sitting-pretty

Then someone who is like me, impulsive & damaged has ended up spiraling out of control. I’m kind of thankful that I didn’t get caught with him the other day. My job would be gone, I would be packing my belongings. Sure it’s a great feeling acting out, misbehaving. I tell my Beloved all the time, if he had not “saved” me by marrying me. I would have been just like him. My life would have been a series of dangerous events, situations in which I would need attorneys, bail money and a new identity. People like me need someone who balances us out. Someone who will keep us anchored, so that we can remain somewhat safe from ourselves.

I think of those men who came before my Beloved. Those bastards had no clue on what to do with me. Sad, really. That none of them knew what to do, what to say.  I feel bad for my male counterpart, who has no one to keep him anchored and safe. We get along because we both have what each other wants. I want freedom and he wants security. Sure he can say he isn’t all into relationships, but he’s lying. Dying on the inside. I know, been there.

My feelings this evening are trying to fight my urges. Strong urges. Urges to take risks. I ended up being disappointed in this evening. Disappointed in those folks who say they are close to me, but truly have no clue about what’s going on it my head. Disappointed in sitting here, wishing I could do what is in my head.

The above is just a very random journal like post. This is something one would read in my hand written journal.

I think a cold shower is in order.

Old Guys

Continuing from yesterday’s post, Mr. 43 decided to text me today. Below is a copy of the conversation.

First part of conversation

First part of conversation

 

Second part of conversation

Second part of conversation

 

I still think he’s a predator, and a bad one at that. Most predators groom their victims, promise their victims the world in which they seek. I think most predators give their victims more than one gift. This goof can’t even do that. He’s full of empty promises, and over confidence.

I will not be wasting my personal time with him. No more lunches, no more long conversations at work. I’m not one to hurt someone’s feelings, unless it’s due. He hasn’t pushed me to that point, he merely has shown me that he isn’t anything I should invest time into. But I can still use him at work to fuel my vehicle so that I don’t have to. I can still use him at work to talk to the boss when I’m not getting my way.

I don’t understand how a man who wants to fuck me can forget he has a small jewelry box in his pocket. Maybe he didn’t have them in a box, maybe the earrings were just floating loose in his pocket. That would even be worse than him forgetting to give them to me. He has to wait until almost noon the next day to text me, because he can’t text when at home because his wife watches him like a hawk. Why? Because he can’t even carry on an affair without getting caught resulting in him having to quit his previous job.

He serves no purpose, other than some thing to drag out. He seems to think that there is a chance in hell that he can get between my legs. He didn’t accept my NO as an answer, so now it’s his fault for anything that happens from here. I should be ashamed of myself, for playing this game. I thought about what he said about my mood change after my #1 fan left. I think it’s because I had a distraction. I think I had mentioned that someone had made an re-appearance in my life. I was distracted by my vices.

If there are any men out there who are attempting to seduce a married woman, this is something NOT to do. Don’t tell her you have a gift and then forget it. Be honest with her. Tell her actually what you want, desire and need. The worst that will happen is you will be rejected. This is better than being used, abused and being rejected months later. I will continue to share about my encounters with Mr. 43. He’s behavior has to serve a purpose for something.

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