The Mental Torment of A Lustful Wife

Spending the NYE with Mr. Sam and it was all fun until he asked,

“Can I see you tomorrow for a little?”

I replied with “are you seriously asking to see me tomorrow?”

“Yes is that ok?”

“No I don’t normally leave my house on Sunday.”

“Ok.”

“Thanks for understanding.” 

He replied “I said ok not that I understand.”

And with that statement I felt fearful. Fearful for how this could end in the future. For one of those men who will do anything and I mean anything to keep me from leaving. Whether it’s through emotional manipulation or physical violence.  He sounded like he may be joking but the truth often comes out in jest.copyright2016@sassycat3000.net, Borderline, BPD, moody, unstable relationships, empty.

I also thought that how I do things so that people will like me, not to leave me and accept me. But the rational part of my brain tells me different. The mental torment in my mind is overwhelming. I also think that it’s so unfair for me to put this all on my Beloved. Because he is the one who will end up “fixing” my fuck up. Borderline people don’t mean to hurt their loved ones its just something that happens due in most part to their impulsive behavior. When the borderline is accepting to feed their ego, things get out of control fast.

I want the sex from Mr. Sam, but not at the cost of my home security. But I still want the sex. To feel the heat from his body, to feel each forceful thrust, to smell him, taste him. I wanna feel all those chemicals released in my brain, to feel high from the sex.

But pain and disloyalty I would cause my Beloved would break my heart. He doesn’t deserve this treatment from me, he’s done everything to please me, to accept me and mostly to love me.

READ MORE ABOUT Mr. SAM HERE

I just have to figure out how to get out of this mess I created for myself. Discreetly, gracefully. And mostly I don’t want to hurt Mr. Sam. He’s a fragile, kind and thoughtful person. He does have a good heart. Maybe misguided, misunderstood he’s still a human being with feelings.

He is hard to get a read on, most men I can figure out rather quickly not Mr. Sam. Perhaps that’s why I cant let him go. The need to find out what makes him tick is strong. Ugh. WTF! Someone just kick me in the head.

 

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

  • The inability to say NO. Borderlines are afraid to say no out of fear of rejection, judgment.
  • Relationships: A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  • Attachment fears.
  • Addiction to chaos and drama.
  • Lying and deceitfulness, mixed messages, self-contradicting.
  • Self-sabotage.

 

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T’was the Night Before Christmas Eve [BFMH2015]

My friend wanted to get a drink and chat after the stressful weekend she had. I mentioned anywhere but there, she picked there. His Blog for Mental Health 2015hangout, the place He & I would hangout together. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks. Since I yelled and told him to fuck off. He wasn’t there when I walked through the door. I was immediately told “he was just here, but he left with a blonde haired chick.” As if that would make me jealous in same way. Most of his friends do know me, say hi to me but that’s pretty much it.

I was pretty busy talking to my girlfriend and two men that had started buying us drinks. I had met one of the men when I was out with him the last time at the family bar. I didn’t see him come into the bar, but I noticed him standing in his spot out of the corner of my eye. Quickly turning my head so that he wouldn’t notice me. My girlfriend gave him away when he was standing behind me, she looked at him with a twinkle in her eye waiting for him to make a move.

I had my body turned facing her, he came up behind me stretching his right arm over my left shoulder to shake our mutual friends hand. When I turned towards his arm he leans in for a kiss on my lips. I was horrified. “Hi Alex, good to see you. Hey babe. I just came over to say hi. Happy Holidays.” He walks back to his side of the bar. I was overcome with emotions. UGH. Why does he have such power over me? Why do I even give him this power?

My girlfriend asks me “why do you let him stress you out so much?

FUCK! I wish I knew so I could stop it.”

It’s in these moments that I think about going back to the counselor I was seeing and trying to sort through the steps of my involvement with this particular alcoholic. We went on with our evening, him on his side and me on mine. I did catch him watching me once. He was looking at me from across the bar, making faces at me, smiling and doing that look with his arms opened wide and tilted head. I told my girlfriend I’ll be right back. I ran over to him and he started to pretend to hide behind one of his people. I gave him a side punch to the ribs.

You punch like a bitch!”

Laughing at me. He grabs me, hugging me, twirling me off the floor and kissing me.

I don’t hit like a bitch. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than you already are. And why haven’t you texted me? You text all them other putas and share your business but not me. WTF is with that?!”

“You told me not to text you until I was sober or in treatment. Besides you don’t have a phone.”

NOOOO Asshole. That’s not what I said, that’s what you wanted to hear! I said text me when you’re ready for a drink or if you’re sober which ever came first.”

“Why you acting like all those other tramps in my life? You ain’t one of the tramps so stop acting like one. Besides you knew I was here and you chose not to come through. That’s on you, not me. I love you babe, you know that. But I don’t want another tramp in my life. You know where I am.”

As we stood there staring at each other, trying to keep all our tension under wraps. An older gentleman interrupted “Hi, I’m Ray.” Charlie quickly jumped at him. “Why you trying to move in to this conversation? Can’t you see she’s talking to me?”

Ray replies “I thought she was talking to me when she was making all those hand gestures. I wanted to know why she was flipping me off.” I laughed. We had made gestures before I ran over there to punch him.

You bess get back to your gurl.”

I looked at him again,  walked away from him. Sat there with my girlfriend, listened to her conversation with the two gentlemen. I was so ready to leave around 9:30pm. She wanted to stay for one more. I kept telling the bar owner “I’m done. No more for me.” Instead of giving me a full glass he was giving me half glasses. I drank 3 of those while she was nursing her one long neck bottle of beer. She said I’m going to say goodbye to so-so and then we can leave. I said “I’ll wait for you in the parking lot.” I didn’t say goodbye to him. Which normally I would do, but since I didn’t go with him I felt no responsibility to him.

When I arrived home I screamed at my beloved. Not towards him, but it was because I was so hyped on what had happened I needed to get it out of my head. I was upset because I turned into someone I used to be. A person I don’t like being. I always told Charlie that if I could understand his behaviors then I could understand mine. We are only different by private parts. We are two peas in a pod, we know each others weaknesses and strengths. Not a healthy relationship but a toxic one, addicting, dysfunctional relationship. I asked my beloved to help me better understand what is going on in my head. He explained “you’re shadow boxing with yourself. You’re angry because he continues to lie to you, treating you like you’re stupid. And you hate that more than anything. You know he acts like a jealous ex boyfriend you’re just ready to admit it yet. You are just not ready to see what you need to see.”

UGH I hate when he is right, but what’s more important is that he keeps me balanced. If anything ever happened to him I’m checking out of this reality. I don’t believe there is any one that will come close to the sanity he brings me. 

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”

It Didn’t Take Long [BFMH2014]

He & I had been continuing our communication through the weekend. Saturday morning I told my Beloved “I’m not answering my phone, I’m scared he’s gonna text me again.”

Start from the beginning of this toxic dysfunctional relationship. 

About an hour later I heard that familiar ringtone.

Why do I miss Brittany so much?

I can’t answer that one. Other than she has become a habit for you to numb the loneliness & she occupies your time. And I remembered you used $10 last night on 2 games of pool! That’s where the money went.”

OMFG I keep wanting to talk to her! She sent me this today.

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She’s lying!!!

LOL

She’s doing it to make you jealous. And it’s game playing to engage you. Cause if you act jealous & react than she knows you care about her and shown your weakness.

UGH…I Hate This!!!

and she’ll use your emotions against you.

Yeah I do miss her!!

It’s a game you played before. You did it to M with me. Making her jealous & mind fucking her. You miss Brittany because she keeps you busy and full of drama so you don’t have to feel anything else.

Well…I don’t like it!

No one likes being played. It’s your game – change the rules!

*sigh* SUCKS!

I know you care, you love – you just don’t want anymore knowing it. Your secret is safe with me.

I do love her. Don’t know why. Just do.

Do you love her or love the idea of her?

love her…2 years we been together

So!!! We been together since 2010! It’s your fault if you love her and want a life with her. Then go for it! Shit.

Love You too Silly!!!! Naaaaa I need to replace her…not chase her.

If she truly makes you happy and is there for you when no one else is, respects you as a man then yes go be happy with her. if you’re happy than I’m happy because you’re happy and that’s what love is. Yeah, no chasing it’s as bad as me having an allowance!

I need to cut her loose. Too much drama

True. She’s pretty trashy for my taste. I don’t think she respects you either. Hell she don’t even respect herself.

I know this. But You know it’s comfortable.

Yeah ok then if what you say is true. Than you don’t love her. It’s just a “comfortable things.”

Yes it is. No love involved if I really think on it. Just comfortable.

Finally! You’re being honest with yourself. She’s a bad habit that you need to kick.

Uhuh. I do. But it’s so hard.

LOL. Shit ain’t nothing in life easy. Gotta work for it and at it. So then you know you’ve learned the lesson and you can be proud of yourself.

After this conversation, the next day I found out he crawled back to her. The emotional outbursts began in me. I flew from jealousy to rage to sadness to relief.

Because I have BPD my emotions are always unpredictable for me. There is no controlling my emotions.  I admit I enjoy playing the game with him, but we always end up fighting. Months go by before he texts. However,  I do know his weakness. How can I exploit it? Use his weakness of me to my benefit to bring him to his knees.

I do think since our relationship has shifted to a different level that he might not response in the manner in which I would hope. I need to have something that benefits him. That check has been spent. I don’t think he thinks like that anymore. So that would leave me out of luck, I don’t have anything to keep him hooked. Only my personality is left to keep him around, I really just wanna push him and push him hard.

He took away my escape – again. There is another who comes to mind that always made the world seem ok. I wish he was around to make me laugh & smile. I guess my emotional instability is triggered by our unstable relationship. Because in my “safe place” I don’t have these emotional outbursts. Everything is even, but with him it’s only a matter of time before my emotions go off the chart and it takes days to return to the baseline.  I’m thinking perhaps releasing my bear for the sake of my own good. He will keep me from hurting myself (again) if I ask him. He will protect me, he will also allow me to choke myself on the rope.  All I need to do is whisper the magic words and the bear will be released to devour anyone in its path meanwhile I will be locked away. Safe from those others who would come for me, safe from myself to change my mind.  If I do release the bear, I will never be able to walk down that path again. There will no longer be a bridge there. I must choose and I must do it quickly.

 

 

 

Tears of Sunday Morning Drinks [BFMH2014]

The first thing I reach for when I wake up is my iPhone. I notice that he called me. What?! He called me!!! He never calls. Shit! Something must have happened. 

It’s 8:30 in the morning. I immediately text him.

Did you butt dial me last night? or did ya need me for a ride or something? I was passed out. Had been drinking & mixed with fresh air I zapped out at 11. Fuck I’m old!!

LOL Prolly butt dialed ya. Ready for a cpl drinks now???IMG_6841

haha Sure!!

Well come get me!

You headed to the usual Sunday hangout?

Yeah.

I gotta get dressed. I’ll meet ya there.

OK. What time?

Damn fool. As soon as I can. Keep your shirt on. Shit.

NO WAY!!! It’s coming OFF!!!

 I walked in the back door of the bar. It’s now 9:45 in the morning. He was sitting there talking to the bartender. I walk up and hug him. I sit next to him, ordering a drink. Malibu & pineapple. We hugged again.

We talk about the last time we were there. That was during the summer, I think. I was getting emotionally out of control. His presence in my life pushed me over the edge. I made some bad decisions that day.

However, I knew that I wasn’t going to be making any bad decisions today. It was gonna be a good day with good times. We talked about lots of stuff. Family, ex-girlfriends, new girlfriends and wanna be girlfriends. We discussed what great sex is and why we always chase after it. How some people are clingy, some are crazy and those who know their place in our lives. I tried to stress that some people will always be around until the end.

The bartender added in her two cents about the topics we were discussing. She asked me if his latest fuck knows my car. Noooooo! WHY?! She said because she keyed that other chick’s car! She’s fucking mess!  She immediately started texting him. He never would share any conversations with me. However, I believe that the dynamic of our relationship has changed. Him showing me the texts proves it for me.crazy text

WTF?! I’m thinking of the last time she was here at the bar. They had a fight the night before. She wouldn’t acknowledge me at all. She is one of those 26-year-old hardcore bar boards. The ones that scare sailors, bouncers and little kids. She mouthed off, never approached me. However, if she does come at me reckless in the future, I’m gonna hit her. I have given some thought to going back to the gym for some MMA retraining. This bitch is crazy. I keep thinking that I need to make sure there are bar towels close by to wrap my hands if a fight goes down. I don’t wanna broke my fingers when I punch her in the face. First thing, sweep the knee, then keep punching her until someone pulls me off. Ok. Enough about her. Crazy cunt.

I start yelling at him for always going back to her. Toss in the fact he is talking to other chicks. He & I are too much a like. He wants the stability of a solid relationship/marriage. Yet that fear of failure, rejection and commitment fuck with our minds. I told him “we always want what we can’t have.” Tears filled his eyes as he starting to talk about his childhood and other family issues. Our conversation turns in a different direction when I opened my mouth. I started in on him about all his past offensives against me. with his eyes still filled with tears, he looks down and takes both my hands in his. “YOU PICKED SIDES!!! You left me and were BFF’s with A and I got mad. Just like you did. The game continued for there. I’m sorry…truly sorry. I know I made mistakes. I didn’t trust you then, but I know I can now. I trust you with my life. I do! I really do! Babe, I’m sorry. I love you. You should know better than anyone that people like us have a hard time trusting.” He was looking me in the eye the entire time. I looked back into his tear-filled eyes. I wanted to believe him. BUT. He’s right. People like us don’t trust easily. He hugs me. Kissing me on the side of my head. I’m not sure, but I felt like he ended that part of our relationship. Only to start a new fresh & clean relationship.

We rocked out to the jukebox. Playing song after song. There wasn’t anyone else in place but US! We were having a blast. Jumping around, dancing, singing. Laughing at our stories. Time flew by. I think I was pretty buzzed too, because I seem to be missing some time.

MalibuWe continue with our drinks. I normally count how many drinks I have when I go out. This time I completely lost track of the number. I lost track of a lot of things. I was there most of the day. I normally don’t even drink during the daylight. I lost track of what he was drinking. Sure, it’s not my responsibility.  However, if I go out with someone I won’t just leave them or care about how drunk they are. I could not do that in good conscience. I would hope that some kind soul would take care of my loved one if they were out of control some where.

I haven’t acted like him in a decade or more. When you’re so drunk that you call everyone on your contact list. Listening to him talk to all those women started to crush my buzz. The bartender comes to me and says “I can tell your getting sober, because you’re not jumping around.” He got off the phone with whoever, sits down next to me again. “You mad? You look mad. You gonna call me a bunch names too? Threaten to leave me too?”

NO! I’m not gonna do any of that foo! But if you want me to, I can. Only if it makes you feel better!” My heart breaks for him. The pain he must feel on the inside, his soul is battered & bruised. I wish I could be the one to help him heal, but I’m not. At some point I will have to walk away from him. And that will break my heart.

We stumbled to my car with his jar of pickle juice. Don’t ask. The bartender & I got him into the back seat. “Why am I back here? I Evidenceain’t no little kid!” He passes out. I drove him back to his place, helped him inside. Threw him on his bed, took his shoes off.  I looked for something to fix him to eat, but living his kind of lifestyle the cupboards were empty. There was some Kettle One in the frig! UGH. I thought he was sleeping, when I heard him walking around. I went into the living room, there he was trying to play his iPod. OMG. He turned the fucking thing up so loud I was completely deaf. The song “Burden in My Hand” blasting from the speakers and him singing at the top of his lungs. I watched in amusement, but as my buzz started to wear off I seen & heard his pain. He did a little dance for me. He was oh so cute & adorable. I got up walking to the kitchen. He asks “You leaving me?”

“Do you want me to stay?”

“Yes!”

He came over to the sofa, flopping down next to me. I start to rub him to calm & quiet his demon. I rubbed his arms, thighs, tummy & chest. He lays there next to me, his arm around me. “I love you” He whispers. I continue to rub his chest, playing with his chest hair. He passes out. I give him a kiss on the cheek as I started to get up from the sofa. He mutters “where ya going?”

“I’m going home. You gonna be alright?”

“I’m home ain’t I?!”

“Yes, you are.”

I quietly walk out the front door. As I drive home I say “Thank You” to the universe for my life. I realize that with the change of the season it’s my worst time of the year. I jump down the rabbit hole, acting out, all sorts of risky & reckless behavior. Begging the universe not to condemn me. The skies grow darker and colder for me. I haven’t figured out my reason for this behavior with him, not yet anyway. I can only part take of this lifestyle for a few more times before the candle burns out and I’m left standing in total darkness.

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My Crazy Ways [BFMH2014]

Sitting here after talking to a friend who said she seen him back in town. Oh Shit! No Way!! He’s working in the same place he was before he left. All sorts of thoughts float through my mind. I start looking at the unfamiliar cars parked on my street. I start to look over my shoulder as I walk down the street. I wonder if there will be a time when I run into him in a public setting. What will I do? How will I handle it?

Not sure what I will do, it will just have to happen.

I know that once the word is out on the street that he is back, I will get treated differently once again. As if I talk to him or that I can no longer be trusted with any sort of information and then my Charlie Sheen lifestyle will end. It will end as quickly as it started. I want to have that life on the back burner. I need it. I crave it. I made mention of this to someone, just to hear his advice. What a joke. He tells me “just tell him you’re a big girl and don’t need any help.” This advice coming from a man who wants it get into my pants. UGH. If he’s like this, he must be absolutely boring and selfish in bed. Just another reason I’m thrilled I never had any sexual encounter with him. I would hate myself if I gave him any type of fuck. sitting-pretty

Then someone who is like me, impulsive & damaged has ended up spiraling out of control. I’m kind of thankful that I didn’t get caught with him the other day. My job would be gone, I would be packing my belongings. Sure it’s a great feeling acting out, misbehaving. I tell my Beloved all the time, if he had not “saved” me by marrying me. I would have been just like him. My life would have been a series of dangerous events, situations in which I would need attorneys, bail money and a new identity. People like me need someone who balances us out. Someone who will keep us anchored, so that we can remain somewhat safe from ourselves.

I think of those men who came before my Beloved. Those bastards had no clue on what to do with me. Sad, really. That none of them knew what to do, what to say.  I feel bad for my male counterpart, who has no one to keep him anchored and safe. We get along because we both have what each other wants. I want freedom and he wants security. Sure he can say he isn’t all into relationships, but he’s lying. Dying on the inside. I know, been there.

My feelings this evening are trying to fight my urges. Strong urges. Urges to take risks. I ended up being disappointed in this evening. Disappointed in those folks who say they are close to me, but truly have no clue about what’s going on it my head. Disappointed in sitting here, wishing I could do what is in my head.

The above is just a very random journal like post. This is something one would read in my hand written journal.

I think a cold shower is in order.

Being Robin Williams [BFMH2014]

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photo credit: !efatima via photopin cc

Reading hearing about the suicide of Robin Williams, I asked myself why? How did he get to the edge of despair? And so late in life? From the first moment I seen him on Happy Days, I fantasized about being Mrs Williams one day. I found him attractive, his thick dark hair was the first thing I noticed. As he grew older I still found him handsome, even his very hairy body. I would close my eyes, trying to imagine what making breakfast together would be like.

His personality was one that always made me laugh. Then I thought I bet he is completely the opposite in his private life. That he could almost become borderline reclusive. He used the comedy as a facade to cover his insecurities. I do that to, making people laugh, showing off and drinking so that I don’t appear that socially awkward weirdo. However, after being out in a social gathering, I become emotionally drained, exhausted and sleep like a rock. It takes so much energy to put on that “act.” Worse when friends expect it, when they ask “what’s wrong with you?”

I read how wonderful he was to others, like going to visit Christopher Reeve and making him laugh. Doing shows for the soldiers during wartime. He was always “on.” He was always performing when he was out. It seemed he could never just be – him. Maybe he was when no one was looking, in the privacy of his own home. Yet sometimes spouses are more demanding, sometimes they expect a performance. I know at work I would become resentful towards my co-workers because they always wanting me to make them laugh. I, often referred to it as being the “trained monkey.”

Somehow I end up being the trained monkey. I make people laugh, my mother, co-workers, my kids, My beloved. It’s like a drug, hearing their laughter. However, I would get tired, angry, resentful and bored. I want someone to make me laugh, not a giggle but a stomach holding laugh. When people like Robin do not stop to re-energize it’s a disaster in the making. He went to rehab before he tried using again. Good choice. He was struggling with inner demons, not just depression, but others. He was addicted to a high that only he knows. I think he became tired. At 63, that’s an old age to commit suicide. I think he tried to find a healthy way to get his high, but couldn’t find one. He was used to drugs, sex, booze and laughter.  He was always giving of himself, his spirit, his being. Maybe he thought, in his mind he had nothing left to give the world and who would Robin Williams be without the ability to make people laugh, giving of himself.

Robin had hit a bottom in which he felt there were no windows or doors. I don’t look at him as a coward for taking his own life. I admire his courage, after the stupid decisions I made Sunday. I wanna live. Robin’s voices, the demons won. I truly believe he just tired of fighting those demons. We have all been there, in that darkest hour of our life. Bottom line: There are no answers. It is what it is.

Unstable Ground [BFMH2014]

Sunday it didn’t start out as a good day. Things went awfully wrong in our bed first thing in the morning. I had felt restless, lacking in sex and instead of being honest with my feelings & emotions (like I do normally). I just wanted an excuse to act out.

The Sting of EmotionSuffering from BPD can be easy to manage if one knows their triggers, keep aware of what’s going on the inside of them. I haven’t had any outlet to release the tension build-up. Lemme try to explain it this way – it’s like a little kid with lots of emotional energy who needs to burn that off. I don’t always use constructive ways to burn off my emotional energy.

This Sunday is a perfect example of unstable relationships, risky behaviors, substances. I made a conscious decision to ruin the day. A decision that would cost me everything that I worked for. I planned it out in my head, but at some point it spiraled out of control. Out of my control. I have never gotten myself into a position of being total vulnerable. Where I was stuck in a place that I didn’t want to be. But this time I really let myself down. I let my Beloved down and that hurt more than any amount of self-inflicted pain. Because he trusted me. He has faith in me when I don’t have any in myself.

When I stormed out of the house I broke the first rule. Never leave the house angry or upset, because bad things happen. I will make decisions based on my emotions instead of educated well-balanced decisions. I had seen his motorcycle at the pool hall. I text him.

I see you. Fuck I’m jealous of you!!

Don’t be babe. Come thru. I got you. (He knew that I am currently unemployed)

Seriously?!

Why not??? I’ll buy ya a drink

K. I’ll be there in 5
😉

Normally when I text him. It ends quickly, because we usually have other stuff going on. I arrived there and there was just a few of us there. He ordered a drink for me. Vodka & cranberry. I don’t drink those anymore, because vodka gives me a hangover. I switched to rum a while back. But he wanted me to drink heavy, with him like the old days. The second drink was more than half full of vodka. So strong that even he didn’t want it. He passes it to me, as if to say “catch up to me.” It was only noon. He was already buzzed. I walked out on breakfast due to my anger getting the best of me.

I am always the “bad girl” with I’m hanging with him. He or I always tell others we are really the same person only with different body parts, get us together and it’s extremely dangerous for everyone involved. We teased people, we talked to each other about what was going on in our lives. He said something to me that shocked me. It was something that my Manchild told me that my mother told him, in return he told me. People like us, shouldn’t be married. We can’t function in the normal relationship lines. We are too selfish, self-destructive and we always end up hurting others. We talked heart to heart about him & his ex he wants the fun, but not the drama she brings. We talked about the us, how we have our moments. We get mad at each other, avoid each other but there is something about being with each other. I told him I only wanted to be a part of his life, for him to trust me. I didn’t want deep inside his life, just to be able to experience some of it. Being able to hung out with him from time to time, but he always wanted me to himself. At times he didn’t want to intermingle his friends. Being drunk, always helps people say things they would never say at other times. He kept telling me “I trust you with my life, honey I really do.” I laughed. No. No ya don’t.

Drinking the Pain AwayDrinking my second drink and here comes the shot of Rumplemintz. Liquid fire. I took me hours to finish that drink. Third drink of Barcardi & Dr Pepper. YUK. A drink I won’t drink again, but it was bought for me. Lost track of time. Laughing and having a great time. Then his ex walks into the place. Really?! The insults start flying. Tension is thick & high. He says “babe, I don’t think you can hold your own against her. You’re not as bad ass as you used to be, you been out of it so long.” Ah, that cut me emotionally. I’m not as young, not as hardcore as when I was a street kid. Oh. But that’s not what I wanted, was it? I was always thankful that I had found my Beloved and that I was living that life I always thought I wanted. But a part of me still wanted to be that street kid, for those few hours I was.

He looked at me, “hey I need to stop out and pick up some stuff. I’ll be back, k?” I wanted to ride with him. I wanted to go. I wanted to be in that life, once again. Thrilling, fast and hard. He suddenly changed his mind, I drove. Second bad decision. I had an idea of where I was going, been there before. I’m not allowed inside to see that world, the line is drawn there. I know what it looks like behind the closed-door, so I really didn’t need to know anymore. Back to the bar, where “little men” was waiting outside for our arrival. I was told to split it up, deliver the rest and keep the leftover. Whaaa?! I flashed back to my early 20’s. I remembered the 80’s, the decade of decadence. Third bad decision having “little man” in my car. I just don’t like strangers in my car, but where else was business gonna be completed.

I went back into the bar. I don’t remember the time. I don’t remember what else I had to drink. I know that his ex was acting a fool. Everyone in the place was complaining about her ability to make a sailor blush. She eventually left, I think. He said “wanna hit **** place?” I smiled. We were headed to the ‘hood. Of course, I wasn’t ready to go home. I wanted my point to get across to my Beloved. To hurt him like he hurt me, to make that cut deep & painful. Why? Because being BP that’s what we do. It’s not excuse, it happens so fast that the person is unable to change the behavior. However, I was making a conscious decision. The emotion of anger wasn’t as strong, I was looking for an excuse. I was looking for something to fill that hole of pain, instead of talking to my beloved. Fourth Bad decision was getting on the back of his bike. I have strict rules about riding with others. There is an unspoken rule about being on the back of another men’s bike. Riding with someone who is under the influence. Going to another place without my car, without a way out. No money, no purse and my iphone died. What?! It’s dead. It’s never dead, because I am an iphone slut.

We rode fast into the ‘hood. I hung on like my life depended on it, which it did. He weaved through traffic. I felt my PTS kick into high gear. He laughed, leaned back at me “you’re having a problem because you’re not in control. Ya always have to be in control, huh? Being back there ya ain’t huh?!” We arrived at the other bar, he almost missed the parking lot. I don’t remember much for a few seconds. He walked in first. I followed and got the looks, in some places in the ‘hood I don’t always get a warm welcome. Walking in with him, was a double bad whammy for me. I was yelled at “why didn’t you take him home?! Where’s Smokestack? Is she coming to get him? Why are you with him? If you cared about him at all you would have not bought him here. You would have taken him home.” He had ordered me vodka & lemonade. He jumped into the conversation, a verbal argument followed. I should have left, but I stayed. Not sure if that was a mistake or not. I couldn’t leave him there, he still had to get home. Hours flew by. I lost track of time, it was dark out when he wanted to leave. We had more to drink, some man tried to pick me up while I was sitting there. I suggested we walk home, he flipped out. I ain’t leaving my bike here! NOW GET ON!

He dropped it before I got on it, pulled it out of the spot, that fucker is heavy to pick up. Thank goodness it has crash bars and those flat foot boards. Fifth Bad Decision was getting on the back of that bike to ride home with him. Sixth Bad Decision was going home with him. I don’t remember how we got to his place, but I remember him dropping it again twice. Stumbling into his place, I won’t go into detail about what happened there. I can pass a polygraph!  He passed out on his bed. I tried to sleep on the sofa. While I was lying there praying to a God I no longer believe in, that I hope I have ruined what I have at home. In the entire time I was gone, I received no texts from my Beloved. There were no phone calls. My phone had died early in the evening & I was stuck without a way home. I won’t go in the details of how the rest of the evening ended. That’s for another time.

Emotions ... acting without the benefit of intellect.

Emotions … acting without the benefit of intellect.

Let this serve as a warning to those who suffer with BPD that there are choices to be made. We know at the time what we are doing most of the time. We just need to really stop to think first. Try to breath through the emotional trigger, before acting on the anger, hurt or emotional emptiness. We have to learn of a positive way to burn off the emotional stress/tension. This could have ended far worse than it did. I’m thankful it didn’t. I will return to “using my words.” Just try remember to think it all through first, before acting out.

I enjoy being some men’s fantasy. I know it’s time like this when my “fans/admirers” read this and think “Holy Shit. What a hot mess!” My Beloved always told me “They are in love with the idea of being in love or having you, but if those men had to deal with you 27/7 most couldn’t.”  True. Some men would have walked away, being unable to understand all of this or even accept this behavior. I will understand if some of my readers are disappointed or even stop following. This isn’t for everyone. I am merely sharing for those that have some idea, those that can relate to these bad decisions that were due to emotional dysregulation. More important Do Not make the same mistakes I’ve made.

 

Feeling Empty [BFMH2014]

It’s Friday and I’m feeling a bit lost. OK. Lost might not be the word that I’m looking for, empty? Alone? Not sure. I’m feeling that hollow feeling that needs to be filled somehow or with someone. I know it will pass. I just need to focus on something productive. However, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve heard any word. The withdrawals are starting to kick in. Then my mind starts to think about past actions & behaviors. I kept thinking all day that if I did hear anything I would explode on my victim. Unfortunate for me today was silent.

I wanted to unleash my anger upon my victim. I wanted that person to know how I feel. More so I really what to hurt that person, cutting that person deep & swift. Pushing them further away until I am able to deal with them once again. I just really want to hurt them emotionally.

Thinking that there is always something in the relationship for their side, but when I want or have a need that has to be satisfied, suddenly they are a no-show. WTF?! Really? I can play that game. I’m patient. OK, not really, but if I stew on this long enough I still have the emotional anger to slice them with it. I really want to. Also I’m curious to see how that person will react to my temper tantrum. Will my tantrum curve any future neglect from them? Not sure, but I’m willing to find out.

Just a few thoughts on a Friday evening.

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