It’s been a while since I have written anything personal or related to mental health. I have been busy getting back to work, still working on Spring cleaning that has now turned into Fall cleaning. However, autumn is my favorite season. Favorite season even though I spiral out of control.
I truly don’t know what my triggers are for this down ward emotional and life spiral. I recently had an opportunity to get a better job. It’s been a year in the making. The interview went very well, the owner said he would call me within the week. I never got a phone call. I figured that I didn’t get the job. So, I did something that I haven’t done in a very long time. Then the phone call came, it was onto the next level of application. I failed. I failed. I failed. Did I really? Or did I self-sabotage my life because I was afraid that I would fail after I got the job? I’m not sure if that’s what I did. Maybe I like the option to complain about how miserable my job is.
The next day I was invited out-of-town to see a bar band. I was looking forward to getting out on a Friday night, chatting with bar people and drinking a few drinks. However, it didn’t work out that way. First, I stopped at my local watering hole. I spoke with the regulars there. I had two drinks of vodka cranberry. One shot of Fireball Whiskey that was bought by one of the regulars. I drank that all within an hour. Hopped in the car and drove to the other bar. I could feel the effects of the alcohol when I arrived. My friend noticed I was drunk already.
When I go out to bars, I like to order the specials once I am familiar with whoever is serving the booze. [ALWAYS TIP YOUR BARTENDER]. I noticed that they were serving “Not my Father’s Root Beer” so I ordered one. Oh, back up a bit to the drive there. I had taken 4 ounces of rum with 28 ounces of pineapple juice mixed in a water bottle that I was sipping on in the car. Now, have you noticed the risk taking behavior? Reckless. Selfish. Careless. Never thinking about any of the consequences for my decisions.
Back to the “root beer” I drank that down. I was feeling no pain. Cocky & secure with who I am. Opposite of how I have felt about myself lately. I miss my drinking partner. Why? Because he drank more, I lived through him so that I wouldn’t have to risk my life. Sounds selfish, doesn’t it?! I would watch his train wreck of a life, safe and secure about my life. I could tell myself “you’re not that bad.” This time I had only myself to look at. I was starting to have trouble walking, words were starting to slur. BUT I kept on drinking. I asked about the specials. Before I had left I drank down two more vodka-cranberrys. Usually when I got like this, I would, at some point have sex with a random stranger or pick some guy up. I’m too old for that. There were no men that looked appealing to me not mention that no guys there even looked at me. I did take a photo with some random guy, just because he stood out. Would I have had sex with him? No. Too Young.
There was an anorexic looking blonde who came up to me and asked if I had any “weed.” Sorry blondie but that’s not my drug of choice. She said “you’re hot.” I was wearing cut off shorts, cut off band shirt and a flannel long sleeve with my high heel ankle boots. Hubby mentioned before I left “you look like a grunge rocker.” “Yeah, overweight gray-haired grunge rocker!!” I laughed. I had taken photos of the band, practicing with my new Nikon. Rocking to one of the cover versions of “Man in the Box” by Alice in Chains, when blondie came over to dance with me. I laughed. Danced with her until I got bored. That’s what I do, I quickly lose interest and will walk away from the scene. The next time I danced with her was when I was really feeling the buzz. Dancing to “Slither” by Velvet Revolver, the lead singer of the band jumped down between us. I was behind him, she was bending over showing her ass, he would thrust towards her and I would do that to him. I had flashbacks to my threesome experiences and stopped dancing, walked off the floor. Although I was very drunk I do remember 90% of the evening. That part I remember because of how it made me feel. I felt ugly, old, fat and unwanted. Past experiences with men were that I always was passed over for the blonde haired woman. The feeling I was looking for, I couldn’t find. I felt like I was sliding further down the hole. It was shortly after that “kick too my gut” that I left.
I wanted to go back to the place where I felt somewhat comfortable. Not only that but I wanted to beat the cops. Cops come out around midnight in that city and nail damn near every & any one. I told my friend I was leaving, she walked me to my car. I handed her my phone asked her to text my hubby to tell him I was on my way. She did. I had the rest of my rum in the car. She grabbed the bottle and started arguing with me about having it in the car with me. I screamed at her “Give it to me.” I grabbed it back and slammed it all down. I tossed the bottle at her. I remember leaving the parking lot. I lost time. I got lost. I was out in the country somewhere, northeast of where I was supposed to be. I remember passing a parked Sheriff’s suburban. It was raining and dark. I felt like I was driving forever, I kept turning left thinking that left is west. I remember looking at my speed and it was 40 mph, highway speed is 55. I looked for any sign to give me an idea of where I was. OH! SHIT! I seen one, I’m wayyyyyyy lost. I call my hubby and start telling him that I’m lost. He is so calm. I love him more than I did yesterday. He calmly asks “what do you see?”
“NOTHING!!!! I’m on a dead-end” (so I thought) there are two factories with cars in the parking lot. I pull into a parking lot and turn around to go back the same way I came. “What are you doing?” I hear shuffling on the other end.
“I’m coming to get you!”
“How can you when I don’t even know where I’m at?”
“Keep talking to me…just keep talking me. What did you see?”
“I just passed through an intersection! OHHH Menard’s on Route X!!!”
“OK…I’ll be right there…keep talking to me..”
I started to cry and SUDDENLY without warning. I puked on myself, while I was driving. “I’m done.” I yelled. I dropped the phone. I just kept vomiting. It was like an out of body experience. I could see myself as if I was looking through the window. A voice said “you’re pathetic!” I answered myself “I know, I don’t know what happened.” “Well, stop driving stupid before you kill someone!” I pulled into the Menards parking lot. Pulled my keys out of the ignition and tossed them in the backseat. I had to vomit again. I opened the car door and tossed my cookies some more. I passed out briefly with the door open. Came to thinking “close & lock the door before someone kills you.” I looked up and seen his car turn through intersection towards me. I passed out again. He startled me when he knocked on the car window. He opened the door. I couldn’t walk even through I tried. “I’m trying to stand up and walk.”
“I know baby, I got you.” he says.
I’m tossed in his car. We leave my car there, covered in vomit. We arrive home, he unlocked the door before trying to peeling me out of the car. I blacked out again, came to when I was vomiting on the floor. Somehow I fell out of the chair onto my face onto the floor. “Here’s a towel.” He pushes the towel under my face. I feel him undressing me, warm washcloth against my skin. Blacked out.
I came to again, this time on the sofa. I got up tried to run to the bathroom. Made it. Cleaned up after myself, went back to the sofa. Passed out again. For the next 24 hours I was vomiting and could barely move.
Am I an alcoholic? No. Not in the true sense. Sure there are a few points that I would say yes that I “have issues” with drinking. Like, sometimes I drink more than I intended too or I stay too long at the bar ’cause I’m having a good time. Sure, being hung over interferes with my family responsibilities. OH MY GOD. I just realized that I have enablers in my life! I was a bit jealous of “Charlie” because I would be there for him, he had other people to keep him from serious trouble, family obligations etc. BUT so do I! Yes, I have also put myself in harmful situations. Does that make me an alcoholic? No, but those are warning lights.
Did I drink too much in a short amount of time? Yes. I drunk all of that within 4 hours. However, I think I’ve drunk more in the same amount of time. I truly don’t know how or why my body reacted for violently this time. Could this have been alcohol poisoning? Probably. Someone mentioned to me “Maybe someone put something in your drink when you weren’t looking.” I replied “nahhh, this is all my doing.”
What I do know is that I was so irresponsible (nothing new), reckless, depressed, full of self-pity. Then the next day the overwhelming guilt kicked in, told myself if I had “him” in my life I wouldn’t be this way now. Before I completely derail I have to reassess my triggers and get the key to those triggers. I must keep my mind & hands busy otherwise if I don’t this could happen again. I truly believe that the universe was and is watching over me. I will not make any predictions for the future. I will admit that I was selfish, lacking in self-control and reckless. I let my illness get the best of me, it dragged me down to a bottom that I never wanna see again. I’m not saying just because I have an illness that it’s my excuse for acting out. I’m saying that I didn’t take responsibility for my illness and the spiral it caused. So now what? Knowing that I am slipping into a dark place, I made an appointment with my counselor. Sometimes we have to go back so that we can go forward. First step is to admit there is a problem and that help is needed.