The last few days I have tried hard to regulate my emotions. I seek the door to exit the pattern that I feel I am stuck in. This all revolves around “Charlie.”
We had last been out on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. There was a confrontation between him and some guys that belong to a “club” who were upset that he punched out one of their own. It was payback time for “Charlie.” I got in the way of what was would happen of regardless of what I said or did.
He told me he would text me the next day. He promised. “Trust me, babe. Go home. You can’t stay here anymore. I’ll text tomorrow.”
I left. I returned to my normal life. I waited until Monday night to text him. “How was your holiday?“
I was getting angrier because he wasn’t answering me. “so this is what it’s like to be ignored or am I in timeout again? Can’t make everyone happy…i wonder what excuse you’ll give me. Lost Phone? Disconnected phone? Not charged? ok. I can wait. I might text you back when you finally do answer me.“
Nothing. No word for days. Ok. I must have done something that pissed him off (again). I can’t accept being rejected, abandoned, not by him. There are other people who I can even hold the door to walk out of, but not him. His friend told me about her sister having surgery this coming week to remove a tumor. I thought I’ll text him again, out of concern. A reason to see if he’s still alive. I was trying to control the emotions within me. Keeping them at baseline. This is my weakness, he is my weakness. WHY?! Why are drunks attracted to me? Is it that vibe that I am a closet drunk too?
Last night after I got off the phone with our mutual friend I was running hot. I laid in bed. Do I? Don’t I? What should I say? WAIT. Slow down. Think about this first.
I will use his words to me, back at him.
“Still don’t know me?“
Waited 10 minutes. Nothing. I thought about “us.” I thought about his issues and my issues. We both can not be rejected. We will do anything to keep that person from leaving. However, we can come & go freely without warning or without explanation. I will push his button.
“Ok. so be it. Only two conclusions, no phone or blocked. so you won’t even see this. FUCK YOU. I’ll leave you alone and you don’t ever have to acknowledge me as anyone you know again. EVER.“
I muted him on my phone. Laid in bed with my beloved trying to wrap my head around the moment. Trying to keep myself from exploding into emotional instability. H rubbed my back, my arms & shoulders to ease the tension. Relieving the stress my body started to feel.
5Am my alarm sounds off. I received texts. 45 minutes after I sent him the above text he sends me one back in return.
“LOL I know u silly ass. just got my phone back. i lost it somewhere that when i was with you. got it back couple of days ago but been tied up at the hospital with a fractured eye socket from falling down the steps. LOVE U. Just had surgery on Monday at G’s house healing up.” (the photo to the left was included in the texts).
I was laughing when I read it. Ah yes, there are those excuses I was looking for. Yet when I use them on him, he accuses me of lying. We both know we are lying but why do we do it to each other? Fear of rejection and abandonment. Instead of saying “I need time away from your craziness. I need time to myself to breathe.” We lie, because we think if you tell the truth that the other person will leave us.
The other issue is …. HOW DARE YOU TREAT ME LIKE I’M A WINDOW LICKER!!!! You’re a LIAR!
Do I say that to him?! NO. I just play along with the bullshit.
Look at the damn photo and there is nothing that says “falling down the steps injury.” Everything about the photo says “Someone punched me in the face with brass knuckles.”
I returned the text with “OUCH.” I think him being an alcoholic and having a personality disorder like me makes me try to understand his mind. BUT, alcoholics are different from those who have a personality disorder. Mental illness travel in pairs, sometimes even a third is buried just below the surface. Why. Why can’t I walk away.
My beloved told me “because you enjoy the drama from a distance, you live your craziness through him without any of the consequences. But you can’t shovel horse shit without getting some of that shit on your shoes. Now you’re because you got shit on your shoes, you have to clean up.”
WHAAAAA?!!!! He’s so right. We get our needs met through those in our lives. I enjoy living the crazy Charlie Sheen lifestyle when it’s good,but when it’s bad I’m out. I guess I can’t have it all. OH. That’s another thing. Black & white thinking. It’s all or nothing for me. I want all of him, but that’s impossible. I want what the others don’t get or see. I had it once, years ago. I still get some of his dark secrets but who knows if he shares those with others. It’s been years since I had an active drunk in my life. I don’t think they go away on their own. Something has to happen to cause them to leave. I’m selfish, this I know. I want to be the one who stands out from the crowd.
“Rest up. Do what you hafta do. and don’t be telling your family we talked. It’s bess I’m left out of your life. Hit me up when your clean & sober or ready for a drink which ever comes first.”
“LOL Why’s that? My family don’t tell me or dictate what I do….ur silly!!!“
I want to test him to see if he mentions me to his family. Last time he was mad at me for getting to involved with his business & family. Most of his family dislike me because to the toxic spew he vomited on them about me. Let’s see where this goes.
I didn’t answer that text. I will leave it alone for now.
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