His Darkness affects My Darkness

I don’t remember how long it took me to finally trust or to feel secure with my Beloved. It’s going on 20 years of insanity between us. Looking back I don’t think we had a lot of problems but outsiders looking in have told me that they thought we were getting divorced because of all the bickering.

Now that Mr. Sam has been in my life I can see where & how my insecurities crop up. For those of us who suffer from Borderline, having someone else who also has a mental illness only causes more issues that need to be addressed.

Caring for them both for them deeply, I don’t ever want to lose either one of them. However, at times one of them shuts down on me. I feel left out. I have no idea whats going on in that head of his. Sadly that the sociopath in me doesn’t care, but that’s with anyone. I’m not a person to ask lots of questions, unless I’m looking for something. I probably should ask questions because someone who suffers from chronic depression can easily slip down that slope into total darkness to be lost in their madness.

I always have to “emotionally vomit” on one of the important men in my life. Emotionally vomiting (my term that I always use) is when I have to get everything out of my being so that I don’t erupt on the wrong person or do or say something, anything that I will regret. So one day my Beloved asked me “Wait. Wait. Are you mad at me? Did I do or say anything to upset you? Is this directed at me?”

I laughed and said NO silly. I just need to vent so that I don’t explode. He breathed a huge sigh of relief. I continued. It’s what I do now. I vent on one of the two men, who ever is available at the time. Now if neither one is available then there is a problem because I get frustrated, impatient and restless. Those feelings then push me to do impulsive things, things I wouldn’t normally do, well maybe. Things that try to fill the emotional void. Sometimes I think I do things to make me feel, something, anything.

Emotions … acting without the benefit of intellect.

I know can see that communication is key in any relationship. But if one has a mental illness and shuts down then what? Do I get in their face and demand for them to talk? I won’t. I can’t. When it comes to Mr. Sam I am still walking on shaky ground. What bothers me the most is his inability to just tell me what he needs, if its space, time or a shoulder. Then again when someone is falling into their darkness how can they reach out? I know that he is not leaving me (yet) and I am not leaving him. I do enjoy his friendship, his tenderness and ability to see me for who I truly am.

The best thing for me is to keep my hands busy because when the mind has nothing to focus on then that’s when I get into trouble. I have tons of things to do. Things that I have neglected for months. But first things first, get some photos done and then finish up all those reviews I have.

After I published this post, one of the last songs Charlie had played for me came on my playlist. I floated away to that moment that our relationship was falling apart, but the lyrics to this song can now apply to Mr. Sam. I don’t ever want to lose him but yet a part of me knows nothing last forever. I will do what I do best when we get like this. If you wanna know the song you can find out by clicking this youtube link.

From A Borderline to Antisocial [BFMH17]

I had mentioned a while back that I started back to attending counseling. I have done this off & on during my life, but never with a clear goal or a full diagnosis of my mental issues. It’s been 6 years or so since I first went for all the testing. At that time the shrink was to type a written report for my counselor.

After a few sessions I felt that I could stop attending and that I had enough of a head start that I could work on some of my issues myself. Also that the insurance was giving us a difficult time about paying the medical bills. Another reason I stopped attending.

Now that I started going back weekly since January of this year. I finally had a written report with the results of the testing. I was given a general personality disorder no longer was there a mention of Borderline, but this time was antisocial personality disorder.

WHAT!? I’m a sociopath?! FUCKING COOL.

HAHA. Nah, not to the full extend of what a person sees in the movies. A high-functioning sociopath. Like Sherlock Holmes?! LOL

My counselor at the time was waiting for the written results and after reading the hand written notes and speaking with me. He mentioned “borderline.” Suggested that I research the subject and see if I could relate to that. Which I very much could relate to a lot of it. We went on that assumption that I was/am borderline. BUT now, he is suggesting since the shrink wrote in the formal report that I am some antisocial traits that we should look at those closely.

He read off the list of required criteria and I sat there as if none of those applied to me. So he again read through the list only this time giving what he thought were examples of each from some of the things that I shared in some sessions.

Here is the current description & criteria

* A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by at least 3 of the following:

      Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.

     Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure.

     Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead.

     Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults.

     Reckless disregard for safety of self or others.

     Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations.

     Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

Well, the ones that are boldly highlighted are the ones I could most relate to, I still think that I am more Borderline than I am Antisocial. And yes, I do feel some sense of remorse for those people who are in my inner circles. The ones I feel a sense of loyalty too, and another reason I don’t think this qualifies me is because these behaviors have to have started in early childhood. And in adulthood the behaviors tend to worsen, but mine remain the same.

However, there is a certain type of person, certain or specific people who bring out these behaviors. Charlie was one of them, toxic. Toxic people tend to bring out these behaviors in full force. I don’t like that because I worked hard to keep my shit together. One of the main reasons I begged Charlie to let me go, I couldn’t stand the person I was turning back into.

I just don’t think this is me at all.

 

 

 

Mental Health and Recycling [podcast]

Below are some of the highlights to this podcast!

Talking about mental health, going to back to therapy to get some help or a redirect on my mental illness. I thought it would be a great idea, for a redirect or a refresher course on my issues. But instead it turned out to be worse than I thought. I felt depressed and just plain icky after leaving my session. Not sure how much more I am willing to invest in proceeding any further with all of this.

Recycling. My idea may not be a popular one, but I do think that some that it could work. However, is it too late to even start seriously thinking about recycling on this planet?

If you have any suggestions for topics …leave a comment.

And as always,

Thanks for listening…..Laterness People!

The Mental Torment of A Lustful Wife

Spending the NYE with Mr. Sam and it was all fun until he asked,

“Can I see you tomorrow for a little?”

I replied with “are you seriously asking to see me tomorrow?”

“Yes is that ok?”

“No I don’t normally leave my house on Sunday.”

“Ok.”

“Thanks for understanding.” 

He replied “I said ok not that I understand.”

And with that statement I felt fearful. Fearful for how this could end in the future. For one of those men who will do anything and I mean anything to keep me from leaving. Whether it’s through emotional manipulation or physical violence.  He sounded like he may be joking but the truth often comes out in jest.copyright2016@sassycat3000.net, Borderline, BPD, moody, unstable relationships, empty.

I also thought that how I do things so that people will like me, not to leave me and accept me. But the rational part of my brain tells me different. The mental torment in my mind is overwhelming. I also think that it’s so unfair for me to put this all on my Beloved. Because he is the one who will end up “fixing” my fuck up. Borderline people don’t mean to hurt their loved ones its just something that happens due in most part to their impulsive behavior. When the borderline is accepting to feed their ego, things get out of control fast.

I want the sex from Mr. Sam, but not at the cost of my home security. But I still want the sex. To feel the heat from his body, to feel each forceful thrust, to smell him, taste him. I wanna feel all those chemicals released in my brain, to feel high from the sex.

But pain and disloyalty I would cause my Beloved would break my heart. He doesn’t deserve this treatment from me, he’s done everything to please me, to accept me and mostly to love me.

READ MORE ABOUT Mr. SAM HERE

I just have to figure out how to get out of this mess I created for myself. Discreetly, gracefully. And mostly I don’t want to hurt Mr. Sam. He’s a fragile, kind and thoughtful person. He does have a good heart. Maybe misguided, misunderstood he’s still a human being with feelings.

He is hard to get a read on, most men I can figure out rather quickly not Mr. Sam. Perhaps that’s why I cant let him go. The need to find out what makes him tick is strong. Ugh. WTF! Someone just kick me in the head.

 

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

  • The inability to say NO. Borderlines are afraid to say no out of fear of rejection, judgment.
  • Relationships: A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  • Attachment fears.
  • Addiction to chaos and drama.
  • Lying and deceitfulness, mixed messages, self-contradicting.
  • Self-sabotage.

 

[I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2017 (2014 Project). I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma].

Insulting & Devaluing Charlie [BFMH2016]

Earlier during the day I had dealt with my ex husband and with Charlie. My  ex didn’t really have much of an effect on me. I only deal with him once a year at our grandsons birthday party. He talks, I talk, he talks some more and I laugh about him when the party is over. BUT Charlie is a different story. When I’m with Charlie or around him I turn into someone I don’t always like being. This time was one of those times.

I had stopped off at the watering hole because my friend had text me that she was there having a drink. When I sat down she mumbles “Charlie is here. He’s playing the machines.” Then another guy came up to me whispering “hey Charlie is at the machines.”Keeping Him Company

Charlie came up from behind me and hugged me, kissing my cheek. I have been hurt lately since I have felt rejection from him the last few times we hung out together. I know he doesn’t like his girls to be overweight. Hell I hate myself when I’m overweight. I have been for the past few months. That’s why I haven’t been taking photos or writing. The mental issues I have hit me pretty hard in the past few months.

Back to Charlie…I don’t know why I treated him so badly this most recent time I’ve seen him. Probably because I’m tired of his lies, mistreatment of me and angry with myself for allowing him to do what he does to me. I tell myself “Not this time.” Then I get caught up in his drama all over again. That day I rode the Fatboy to the bar, a few of the crew had to go and look at it. He walked out with them. I yelled “Don’t look at it, don’t even get near it, don’t touch it or even ask to sat on it.” Why I yelled this at him, is because his custom chopper was taken back by the bank for failure to make payments. He has lost his house, marriage, kids, boat, motorcycle, truck, job…because of the booze, drugs, gambling and whoring around. I had to rub all that in. Why? Because I was (am) hurt. I want him to hurt like he hurt me. He bad mouthed me to his family, they no longer speak to me. He uses me, lies to me. Why? That’s what he does. He does this to everyone, not just me. But I can’t handle the rejection from him. I hate the way I feel when he’s not in my life but I know he’s toxic for me.

I bad mouthed him in the bar to his friends. Something that has always been against our playtime rules. He hates being treated like that, because he’s so insecure on the inside. I know most of his weakness, the buttons to push to get specific reactions. I kept it up. I was running my mouth. Charlie doesn’t confront me like he does his other girls. Those girls get worse than I ever get. He gets physical, verbal with them but not with me.

Charlie kept trying to make eye contact with me. For of the time I refused to look him in the eyes. I know that if I do, I’m done. His brooding eyes have a way of pulling me in to his abyss. There was some small talk going on around us. He sat in the corner with someone in the middle of us. It was uncomfortable for both of us. I really don’t know why I was distant from him, the last time we were together was when I had too much to drink. Maybe because we crossed over the line.

You can read about our earlier time together here.

SpentI couldn’t help but to think about all the lies and bullshit he’s put me through. Telling every one else about his business, but leaving me out in the cold. I was drinking and getting more angry with every sip. Mostly I kept telling about all the lies, how he thinks I’m stupid and wont find out. So with that I started to become mean, vicious and assaulting him verbally both directly & indirectly.

I wanted him to feel the pain & hurt that I was feeling. I just kept on him about how he is just a little bitch. Something I know gets to him, I know he’s insecure inside. He’s that scared little boy with deep scars. I continued to scratch and tear at his scar tissue until he decided to call one of his girls to come pick him up. He said he had to go to his mothers to help her mow the lawn, that’s how I knew that I had gotten to him. His mother lives in a condo with lawn service, the folks in the bar didn’t know that but I do.

He said his goodbyes to the bar patrons and walked out the door. He said nothing to me. His friends looked at me with question marks on their faces. He & I are so close, he would never leave without saying goodbye to me like he did. I yelled “See! WTF?!” As I sat there composed, but in my mind the madness swirled around. He walked back in…”I need to say goodbye to you…I knew that if I left without saying goodbye, you would talk about me behind me back.” The small crowd of patrons around me looked in shock. I almost cried at the moment. Someone said “Yeah she had already started talking about you!” He answered “Yeah, I figured. She can be mad all she wants but we still love each other.” I jumped off the bar stool, turned to hug him “I love you, asshole.”

“I love you too.” he replied.

He walked back out the door. This was the last time I saw Charlie. As autumn approaches his life slowly begins to spiral down ward to a dark place. I heard that he has been 86’ed from coming to what used to be “our bar.” I heard he is back on the street again. I think of him often, with each time I hope I will see him again. Yet, deep inside my soul I know that seeing him again would only bring heartache.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.
  • Urges to lash out; the desire to get even or take revenge on someone who hurt you. You may want them to feel the pain & hurt you’re feeling.
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger.

Post Tramatic Stress Disorder [AtoZChallenge]

May 29, 2004 I was riding my Harley Davidson Sportster 1200 at dusk on an Illinois Phighway with my Liege & daughter in front of me on his Indian Chief motorcycle and about 6 motorcycles behind me. I see a deer to the right of me. I thought to myself “if I can just get past it then it will be ok.”

The lead guy cracked this pipes and that deer bolted towards me. T-boned me at 70 mph. I dragged that deer with me about 20 feet. If it wasn’t for the windshield I’m sure my tale would be different. I tried to down shift but the deer had kicked the keys broke off in the ignition. Bike is shaking hard. The deer still kicking gets caught up, spins around to the left side of me, hits me with the back side and momentum pushed me off-road down into the ditch. I kept traveling, overgrown grass slapping, cutting my cheeks as I pass. LIGHTS OUT.

After three months of being drugged, placement of a metal plate. I started having nightmares. Detailed flashbacks during the night, I became exhausted because I would refuse to go to sleep at night. I would wake up screaming, sweating. I went to my doctor after about a month of this. She informed me I was suffering from PTSD. I was given some medication. Which I stopped taking because I didn’t like the way the drugs made me feel.

May 2009 I was driving home from work in my Liege’s car. I had the green light going straight. A car turning to the right was supposed to yield to the green light. Meaning that after carefully looking for oncoming traffic they could legally turn on a green light without the green arrow. One car turned right in front of me, cutting my stopping distance short. Next thing I felt the sting of the inside drivers door pushing into my body. My body moving forward into the dashboard. The dashboard breaking into pieces at me, BAM. Airbag. Because I have a metal plate across my left collarbone I don’t use a seatbelt. The damage to my shoulder & chest would be far worse with the seatbelt. There was another car after the first one and that one plowed into me.

A trigger is the connection between the conscious mind and a buried painful memory.

 

That traumatic accident had triggered my PSTD. Before I had it mostly under control. However today when I ride my PSTD is active.

  • I have small anxiety attacks when approaching & passing through intersections.
  • Anytime the wind blows hard and I feel the motorcycle sway I get an anxiety attack.
  • I can no longer get the motorcycle speed higher than 60 mph before I freak out.
  • When cars get too close to me.

When my doctor first told me I had PSTD I thought PSTD goes away with time. But it never really goes away, it just goes to sleep until there is a trigger that sets it off. I still continue to ride my motorcycles suffering through those PSTD’s episodes. If I’m riding the bike and get an attack I keep telling myself “there’s nothing to fear but fear itself.” I repeat it over & over. I talk myself through it, I’ve only stopped once because I freaked out. I will not allow myself to be a prisoner of this illness if I don’t have to be.

It’s not that the person is refusing to let go of the past but the past is refusing to let go of the person.

 

 

 

The Numbness has Returned [BFMH]

I’ve been busy working on the cleaning of the basement while I’ve been off for the week. I think I have found a few more of my triggers.

Not being able to finish a chore like cleaning the basement. In my mind I can see that it is a simple task.

  • Sort through some boxes.
  • Donate the leftovers.
  • Clean up the rest.

Pretty simple. Right?! Nope. I get all kinds of side-tracked. Sorting through my boxes of books made me cry. I looked through the books, I felt like I couldn’t give some of them away. Others I’ve had since I was in high school. My pile to keep is larger than the pile to donate. WTF?! Emotional

This post was not about sorting books, but how I feel now. I feel like I did when I was a kid. When I felt depressed, full of pent-up energy. I haven’t had sex in over a week. I blame that on myself. A person can not act out with out some form of consequences for their actions. My health suffers every so often. I wanna go to my local bar, see my bartender and drink. Drink & drink some more. I feel nothing now. I want to feel something. Anything.

I want to do a bump in the dingy bathroom. I wanna look at a stranger in that watering hole and fuck him in that same bathroom. I wanna feel something. Anything. I want that high that I’m craving. I held my phone in my hand, I almost text Charlie. My fear is disappointment. If I text Charlie, he doesn’t answer me. I’m rejected and it will push me further down the hole. If I text Charlie and he does answer, we meet for drinks & I get disappointed because I’m not getting the attention I’m craving.

I sit here typing out my thoughts instead of chasing those thoughts I just mentioned. Years ago I would be out the door, maybe that’s it. I feel I have no valid reason to leave my house. Maybe its resentment. He already said I could leave if I wanted to. But that’s just it. If I leave, I’m afraid that I will do something that I will regret later. It’s times like this that I will take a long hot bath, cry in the tub and know that tomorrow is another day.

I guess I want to be in that place where I’m safe, yet the noise drowns out the noise in my head. A place where the drunks talk & I smile politely at them, but hear nothing they say.

I know I make no real mention of my Liege, other than he gave his permission for me to leave if I felt I needed to. He is understanding and said “I don’t want to abandon you, if you want me to stay.” I never beg, ask or say “yes. I want you to stay, when a person really wants to do something else.” I will emotionally close off from him until I feel back to my “normal” again. I will try to do something to keep me from falling completely off the edge into the dark hole.

Disappointed. Empty. Numb. Tomorrow is a new day.

T’was the Night Before Christmas Eve [BFMH2015]

My friend wanted to get a drink and chat after the stressful weekend she had. I mentioned anywhere but there, she picked there. His Blog for Mental Health 2015hangout, the place He & I would hangout together. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks. Since I yelled and told him to fuck off. He wasn’t there when I walked through the door. I was immediately told “he was just here, but he left with a blonde haired chick.” As if that would make me jealous in same way. Most of his friends do know me, say hi to me but that’s pretty much it.

I was pretty busy talking to my girlfriend and two men that had started buying us drinks. I had met one of the men when I was out with him the last time at the family bar. I didn’t see him come into the bar, but I noticed him standing in his spot out of the corner of my eye. Quickly turning my head so that he wouldn’t notice me. My girlfriend gave him away when he was standing behind me, she looked at him with a twinkle in her eye waiting for him to make a move.

I had my body turned facing her, he came up behind me stretching his right arm over my left shoulder to shake our mutual friends hand. When I turned towards his arm he leans in for a kiss on my lips. I was horrified. “Hi Alex, good to see you. Hey babe. I just came over to say hi. Happy Holidays.” He walks back to his side of the bar. I was overcome with emotions. UGH. Why does he have such power over me? Why do I even give him this power?

My girlfriend asks me “why do you let him stress you out so much?

FUCK! I wish I knew so I could stop it.”

It’s in these moments that I think about going back to the counselor I was seeing and trying to sort through the steps of my involvement with this particular alcoholic. We went on with our evening, him on his side and me on mine. I did catch him watching me once. He was looking at me from across the bar, making faces at me, smiling and doing that look with his arms opened wide and tilted head. I told my girlfriend I’ll be right back. I ran over to him and he started to pretend to hide behind one of his people. I gave him a side punch to the ribs.

You punch like a bitch!”

Laughing at me. He grabs me, hugging me, twirling me off the floor and kissing me.

I don’t hit like a bitch. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than you already are. And why haven’t you texted me? You text all them other putas and share your business but not me. WTF is with that?!”

“You told me not to text you until I was sober or in treatment. Besides you don’t have a phone.”

NOOOO Asshole. That’s not what I said, that’s what you wanted to hear! I said text me when you’re ready for a drink or if you’re sober which ever came first.”

“Why you acting like all those other tramps in my life? You ain’t one of the tramps so stop acting like one. Besides you knew I was here and you chose not to come through. That’s on you, not me. I love you babe, you know that. But I don’t want another tramp in my life. You know where I am.”

As we stood there staring at each other, trying to keep all our tension under wraps. An older gentleman interrupted “Hi, I’m Ray.” Charlie quickly jumped at him. “Why you trying to move in to this conversation? Can’t you see she’s talking to me?”

Ray replies “I thought she was talking to me when she was making all those hand gestures. I wanted to know why she was flipping me off.” I laughed. We had made gestures before I ran over there to punch him.

You bess get back to your gurl.”

I looked at him again,  walked away from him. Sat there with my girlfriend, listened to her conversation with the two gentlemen. I was so ready to leave around 9:30pm. She wanted to stay for one more. I kept telling the bar owner “I’m done. No more for me.” Instead of giving me a full glass he was giving me half glasses. I drank 3 of those while she was nursing her one long neck bottle of beer. She said I’m going to say goodbye to so-so and then we can leave. I said “I’ll wait for you in the parking lot.” I didn’t say goodbye to him. Which normally I would do, but since I didn’t go with him I felt no responsibility to him.

When I arrived home I screamed at my beloved. Not towards him, but it was because I was so hyped on what had happened I needed to get it out of my head. I was upset because I turned into someone I used to be. A person I don’t like being. I always told Charlie that if I could understand his behaviors then I could understand mine. We are only different by private parts. We are two peas in a pod, we know each others weaknesses and strengths. Not a healthy relationship but a toxic one, addicting, dysfunctional relationship. I asked my beloved to help me better understand what is going on in my head. He explained “you’re shadow boxing with yourself. You’re angry because he continues to lie to you, treating you like you’re stupid. And you hate that more than anything. You know he acts like a jealous ex boyfriend you’re just ready to admit it yet. You are just not ready to see what you need to see.”

UGH I hate when he is right, but what’s more important is that he keeps me balanced. If anything ever happened to him I’m checking out of this reality. I don’t believe there is any one that will come close to the sanity he brings me. 

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”
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