I don’t remember how long it took me to finally trust or to feel secure with my Beloved. It’s going on 20 years of insanity between us. Looking back I don’t think we had a lot of problems but outsiders looking in have told me that they thought we were getting divorced because of all the bickering.
Now that Mr. Sam has been in my life I can see where & how my insecurities crop up. For those of us who suffer from Borderline, having someone else who also has a mental illness only causes more issues that need to be addressed.
Caring for them both for them deeply, I don’t ever want to lose either one of them. However, at times one of them shuts down on me. I feel left out. I have no idea whats going on in that head of his. Sadly that the sociopath in me doesn’t care, but that’s with anyone. I’m not a person to ask lots of questions, unless I’m looking for something. I probably should ask questions because someone who suffers from chronic depression can easily slip down that slope into total darkness to be lost in their madness.
I always have to “emotionally vomit” on one of the important men in my life. Emotionally vomiting (my term that I always use) is when I have to get everything out of my being so that I don’t erupt on the wrong person or do or say something, anything that I will regret. So one day my Beloved asked me “Wait. Wait. Are you mad at me? Did I do or say anything to upset you? Is this directed at me?”
I laughed and said NO silly. I just need to vent so that I don’t explode. He breathed a huge sigh of relief. I continued. It’s what I do now. I vent on one of the two men, who ever is available at the time. Now if neither one is available then there is a problem because I get frustrated, impatient and restless. Those feelings then push me to do impulsive things, things I wouldn’t normally do, well maybe. Things that try to fill the emotional void. Sometimes I think I do things to make me feel, something, anything.
I know can see that communication is key in any relationship. But if one has a mental illness and shuts down then what? Do I get in their face and demand for them to talk? I won’t. I can’t. When it comes to Mr. Sam I am still walking on shaky ground. What bothers me the most is his inability to just tell me what he needs, if its space, time or a shoulder. Then again when someone is falling into their darkness how can they reach out? I know that he is not leaving me (yet) and I am not leaving him. I do enjoy his friendship, his tenderness and ability to see me for who I truly am.
The best thing for me is to keep my hands busy because when the mind has nothing to focus on then that’s when I get into trouble. I have tons of things to do. Things that I have neglected for months. But first things first, get some photos done and then finish up all those reviews I have.
After I published this post, one of the last songs Charlie had played for me came on my playlist. I floated away to that moment that our relationship was falling apart, but the lyrics to this song can now apply to Mr. Sam. I don’t ever want to lose him but yet a part of me knows nothing last forever. I will do what I do best when we get like this. If you wanna know the song you can find out by clicking this youtube link.