I don’t know how I’m gonna tell you,
I can’t play with you no more. – “That’s the Way” Led Zeppelin
I talked with 43 today after our shift was finished. I needed to get a few things off my chest. He has always been by my side even after I verbally tore him to shreds.
I asked for his objective opinion about my opportunity for a different job. Let me fast forward to one of the last statements he made to me. “I know you’re leaving. I can hear it in your voice and see it in your face.”
I looked down at the gravel parking lot. “I’m gonna miss you.” He said with a mournful voice.
“just let me know if you do decide to go – ok?
you’ll be the first to know…i promise.
that would be nice-thank you..you won’t make up your mind until after the next interview? or is this a done deal?
No not a done deal. yet. i’ll decide after the next interview
YOU WILL BE MISSED
tue true true…just ask me and I’ll tell ya.
lol you & G won’t get any heart palpitations in the mornings with me not there anymore. We guys won’t have any one to watch & talk about the way their dressed.
Don’t forget I have pictures!”
READ MORE ABOUT 43
We went on to discuss our past mistakes. We went back to the part where we both went wrong in our friendship. Talked about our disappointments & expectations. However, I still think he isn’t as charming as he thinks he is. He said a few things that were just kind of dumb. I had to laugh. All I could think of is that he needed to kiss my ass, because he wanted to get in my pants. I didn’t want any thing more than friendship from him. He wanted me to be a part of his life, not the other way around. I explained that to him, “me being just in your presence should give you pleasure enough. Because I am – me.”
He said that I was arrogant. I replied with “and your point is?” I’m laughing while I’m talking to him.
There was something sad about our departure. The lose of a friendship. I know he wanted more, but he never give me anything. Yet he says “I hadn’t even turned on my charm.” I laughed loudly. I always need more, stimulate the mind first. I’m taken back to the first one who seduced intellectually. He is still a part of my memories, part of my heart. But #43 is just someone that I could made laugh, to help him ease the pain of his now boring, unexciting life. Me wanted to keep me as his “Manic Pixie Dream Girl” but I couldn’t stay. There was nothing in it for me, no rush of emotional high. Perhaps that’s why I looked for new job. Quickly found one, fearful of leaving, afraid of the unknown. Sad to leave him behind. He did mention “You will find someone to replace me, I’m sure.” I’m sure too. Then again, maybe not. Because this recent experience actually bought my behavior into my reality. Too close for comfort.
This weekend I have felt a bit blue. As if the mourning process as begun, I don’t even have the job. Yet, feeling as if I’m getting ready to say good-bye.
Sitting here I think back to when no one would talk to me at this work place. I mean they would but it wasn’t like I was part of the group just yet. Small town, I always felt like the outsider. 43 was the only one who began close, a work husband. Someone who I enjoyed hanging out with, though not sexually attracted to him. He is a bit too old for me to have sexually feelings for. I think to how I try to protect myself from the discomfort of letting go of someone I have gotten attached to. I let my guard down, I let him in. Now, it stings to think of the withdrawals.
Then again, maybe I give him too much credit in my life. Maybe I feel a thing, maybe not a strong as I think. My fear is when I do feel like this, I tend to look for ways to ease that pain & uncomfortable feelings. How so? By any means possible, that’s when I can get myself into a lot of trouble. Any thing from putting my job at risk, to my marriage to my safety. I have been good about keeping a lid on my risky, impulsive behavior.
One way that works sometimes is when I write-here, on this blog. I share my past sexual experiences, buzzed sexual experiences any other risky behavior. Reliving it here, has been so much more safer for me than ever before.