With this Ring [product review]

When Charlie left my life, I felt vulnerable in the bar. The night Charlie & I said our final goodbyes I met Mr Sam. I needed someone to keep me company & protect me at the bar. Mr. Sam’s life is a bit complicated and doesn’t want any other outside commitments. We discussed our problems and decided it would be best if we partnered up. He keeps away all the unwanted advances & I do the same for him. For some reason he felt he needed a ring. He was getting hit on by a lot of women, told he looks like that one actor from that one movie by men. We always laughed at that one. To seal the deal and make it all look legit I got him a ring. Mr Sam is now my body-guard and partner in crime.  We have now a commitment.

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I looked around and found something he liked. Now he has something to the wear when all those women walk up to him in the bar and tell him how good-looking he is and how he looks like that one actor.

Inexpensive. Practical. Comfortable. I like that it is available in a lot of different colors. It really is a great little ring.

I Felt his Fingers slide in Deeper

We arrived back at his place. I stood there looking around, he turns around walking towards me. Standing face to face, he looks me in the eye and I feel his fingertips against my inner thighs. I stand there motionless as his fingers move slowly underneath my shorts, tugging them to the side his fingers find their way inside my panties.fingering, kink of the week

I held onto his shoulders as he leaned into to kiss me. He kisses me deeply as his fingers spread my lips apart, searching for my clit.

I let out a gasp.

He’s eyes intensely focus on my reactions. I grab on tightly to his shoulders as he pushes a finger inside of me. I moan. It feels so good. I normally want a hard cock after a while of  being fingering but not with Mr Sam. He has a way about him that I enjoy. He gets pleasure pushing my boundaries. I start to unbutton my shorts.

“Did you bring your camera?”

“Uh huh.”

He removes his fingers, stands back and I walk to my purse to pull out my camera. He smiles. “Now where were we? oh yeah.” I let my short drop to the floor and he pushes my panties down.

He leans me to kiss me. His one hand on the small of my back, his other hand is in between my legs. I wanted to feel his fingers deep inside me so I put one foot on the frame of the bed. I hear him take a deep breath as I feel his fingers moving quickly inside me. My knees get weak, I’m hanging onto him so I don’t fall and I hear the sounds of my juices. “Yeah, there it is.”

fingering, kink of the week, latina sexbloggerMy body is weak. He looks deep into my eyes and smiles then laughs. “And we haven’t even made it to the bed or laid down yet!” I grab his belt buckle and begin to undo it, unzipping his jeans. He moves back and starts to do it himself. I fall onto the bed with great anticipation & expectation of what’s to come (I should really say … of who’s to come… that would be ME!)

I pull off my shirt & bra. “OH! I get to see the girls today. It’s been a week since I’ve seen them.” I laughed. He finishing getting undressed, felling on top of me. I thought oh this sucks its gonna be a quickie and that’s it. We kiss for a while as his fingers caress my body. His hand pushes my legs apart once again as his fingers search for my clit. His fingertips play with my clit gently as he watches my face for the reaction he’s looking for. His fingers slid down to my hole, waiting. He doesn’t push in, he waits. Plays with me but still doesn’t put his fingers inside. What a tease!

He waits and when my body relaxes he thrusts his finger in, one is never enough, right? He pulls out and puts two fingers inside me. OHHHHH! My body is moving uncontrollably with the motion of his fingers going in & out of me. He scoots down until his face is in between my legs. His tongue gently touches my clit, sucking it, flicking it. He has his arm folded against my ass. He’s enjoying sucking my clit and listening to me orgasm over & over. I drifted off into another state of mind not noticing that he had moved his arm. I felt his fingers inside me again. This time I felt his finger pushing on my arse. OH!fingering, kink of the week, latina sexblogger

A first for me, never had fingers near my back door entrance. I felt dirty and I liked it. I felt a finger push a little harder, but my fear made him stop. He continues to fuck my pussy all the while his tongue plays with my clit. I feel his finger pushing against my back door again, this time I relaxed and let him push more. I’m pushing back and forth fucking his fingers that are in my pussy, he’s mouth covering the rest of me. I feel the pressure of his finger, I get scared and grab his wrist to make him stop. He waited, and then continued again. This time I didn’t stop him when I felt his fingers enter me as I pushed against him harder & faster. The twinge of discomfort was overridden by the sounds of my orgasm. OH MY GOD! How I love his fingers!!!

 

Words from Mr. Sam: I like to take my time during foreplay to make sure she is satisfied. I do love to feel her body as she cums, if it’s during sex you miss a lot of it cause your side tracked. When its foreplay all you concentration is on her, her body, her sounds.

 

His Darkness affects My Darkness

I don’t remember how long it took me to finally trust or to feel secure with my Beloved. It’s going on 20 years of insanity between us. Looking back I don’t think we had a lot of problems but outsiders looking in have told me that they thought we were getting divorced because of all the bickering.

Now that Mr. Sam has been in my life I can see where & how my insecurities crop up. For those of us who suffer from Borderline, having someone else who also has a mental illness only causes more issues that need to be addressed.

Caring for them both for them deeply, I don’t ever want to lose either one of them. However, at times one of them shuts down on me. I feel left out. I have no idea whats going on in that head of his. Sadly that the sociopath in me doesn’t care, but that’s with anyone. I’m not a person to ask lots of questions, unless I’m looking for something. I probably should ask questions because someone who suffers from chronic depression can easily slip down that slope into total darkness to be lost in their madness.

I always have to “emotionally vomit” on one of the important men in my life. Emotionally vomiting (my term that I always use) is when I have to get everything out of my being so that I don’t erupt on the wrong person or do or say something, anything that I will regret. So one day my Beloved asked me “Wait. Wait. Are you mad at me? Did I do or say anything to upset you? Is this directed at me?”

I laughed and said NO silly. I just need to vent so that I don’t explode. He breathed a huge sigh of relief. I continued. It’s what I do now. I vent on one of the two men, who ever is available at the time. Now if neither one is available then there is a problem because I get frustrated, impatient and restless. Those feelings then push me to do impulsive things, things I wouldn’t normally do, well maybe. Things that try to fill the emotional void. Sometimes I think I do things to make me feel, something, anything.

Emotions … acting without the benefit of intellect.

I know can see that communication is key in any relationship. But if one has a mental illness and shuts down then what? Do I get in their face and demand for them to talk? I won’t. I can’t. When it comes to Mr. Sam I am still walking on shaky ground. What bothers me the most is his inability to just tell me what he needs, if its space, time or a shoulder. Then again when someone is falling into their darkness how can they reach out? I know that he is not leaving me (yet) and I am not leaving him. I do enjoy his friendship, his tenderness and ability to see me for who I truly am.

The best thing for me is to keep my hands busy because when the mind has nothing to focus on then that’s when I get into trouble. I have tons of things to do. Things that I have neglected for months. But first things first, get some photos done and then finish up all those reviews I have.

After I published this post, one of the last songs Charlie had played for me came on my playlist. I floated away to that moment that our relationship was falling apart, but the lyrics to this song can now apply to Mr. Sam. I don’t ever want to lose him but yet a part of me knows nothing last forever. I will do what I do best when we get like this. If you wanna know the song you can find out by clicking this youtube link.

Jager Night

Friday night is my night to spend out at the bar drinking & socializing. Hanging out with Mr. Sam and the old crew. On this specific night I went out without telling Mr. Sam and was talking with my very friend. I felt guilty for not telling him, but a part of me felt like I was too close that I was getting dependent on him for my emotional needs.

And when I do that I tend to get burned, my involvement with my former PIC the notorious Charlie, has left me defensive and suspicious of any behaviors. I just felt that if i let my guard down with Mr Sam that nothing good can or would come from that. I know that I am living in a fantasy world, waiting for the castle that I built in the sky to crumble down to earth. I wanted to feel that independent feeling again, attached to no one. Yet even with my closest friends I felt alone. The more I drank, the more intense that feeling got. I still longed for Mr Sam to be there with me, yet I knew in the back of my mind my security blanket has always been my Beloved.alcohol

There are some behaviors that I have noticed with Mr Sam that reminds me of Charlie and my fear is that soon, in the near future we will become toxic for each other. Mr Sam is an alcoholic and so was Charlie. I still haven’t figured out why I need to have a drunk somewhere in the background of my life. Mr Sam understands me better than my Beloved does, which is a wonderful feeling. Trying to explain my issues, illness and other things to my Beloved can be exhausting, but Mr Sam always gets me.

When I arrived at my regular dive bar I text Mr Sam for him to come down to see me. I had drunk a lot by then, and had started drinking a lot of water. I wanted to have fun, experience that feeling I felt when Mr Sam & I first met. I didn’t want to get too drunk that I would be hung over in the morning but I wanted to hit my plateau as Mr Sam calls it. When I wasn’t looking Mr Sam order me a shot of jager. Jager can make me go either direction just depends on my mood. I can be easily angered by other buzzed people. The shot of jager got me to that plateau where I enjoyed a comfortable buzz until the bar closed.

The Tie that Binds [SS314]

Mr. Sam, like Charlie is not a vanilla partner. Mr. Sam and I have been together for 7 months now, we are getting used to each other. We talk about almost everything, I tend to still get embarrassed about some things.

We recently discussed the idea of mutual masturbation, sex toys and other kinky ideas. He asked me to bring my bag of sex toys over, so I did. We went through all of my toys that were enjoyable for me to use. I had won a contest with some bondage rope included as an extra prize.

He had seen the neon green rope and immediately the Sailor in him started thinking of ways to use it on me. I have never been tied up before by any one. I have some deep seeded trust issues about being restrained. But Mr. Sam is different, even though I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop, a part of me trusts him.

He had mentioned some photo ideas before we got started, but once he started tying the rope, we forgot all about taking any photos. Until after playtime was over, I had to stop because I had pulled on the ropes too hard. Mr. Sam had used one long piece of rope with several loose knots in it for my ankles and wrists. I had pulled on the rope causing it to tighten around my ankles. I had left my socks on, pulled them off to look for any marks because the rope seemed really tight.

This is what I saw when I took off my sock.

 

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I will try to write a story about my first rope experience.

Meanwhile check out some other Sinful Sunday posts.

sinful sunday

 

I Love to Leave Bite Marks [SS313]

I have always loved flesh between my teeth.

His smooth creamy skin (or sometimes anyone’s for that matter) calls to me in such a way that I can’t resist or stop myself.

Especially, when I’m on top of a lover, seeing their midriff exposed and if I am working my way down their body to satisfy both our needs for oral gratification I tend to bite. I was kissing him, nibbling on his nipples. I bit one too hard and he cried out, but the sadist side of me became more excited. I started biting his stomach, but accidentally bit the spot where he had a surgical procedure done. I felt bad, because I know the skin can be more sensitive in those areas, so I moved on.

I worked my way over to his ribs, where the flesh can easily be bitten and pulled. I started biting as I normally do, but he started to tease me about something unimportant. I began to bite harder, pulling at his skin, twisting it between my teeth, pushing my tongue against the tender section of flesh between my teeth. My mind drifted into dark fantasy thoughts of tearing the flesh from his body, tasting his blood on my lips. I became even more aroused. If Mr. Sam had moaned in pleasure or even cried out, those sounds would have pushed me in an orgasm. When my hips move, when the need to relieve the “itch” between my legs becomes so intense that I would have mounted his cock or sat on his face. But Mr. Sam never cried out in pain, he never pulled away from my mouth like most people would. He didn’t tell me to stop, at once. He laid there perfectly still, which concerned me yet I didn’t care about the reason. If this is trust then I admire and adore him even more.

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sinful sunday

Emergency Exit

Sometimes I wish there was an “emergency exit” door on my life, during those situations when its awkward, uncomfortable or when I know that my behavior will have consequences. Last night was a perfect night for an emergency exit door. Some times I look for the exit door in my relationships. If I can’t find out I’ll make one or cause the other person to push me out of the door.

I guess I look for the exit when my emotions get too much for me. When I feel that I am losing or when I don’t want to deal with the issues at hand. Isn’t it easier just to walk out of that exit door than to have to look at those issues at hand?

Yeah, it’s a cop-out and a lot of people just walk out of the exit door of your life and don’t look back.emergency exit, sassycat3000, borderline personbality disorder, mental illness, blog for mental health awareness, latina sexblogger, a to z challenge

Being a borderline, my emotions are up & down and back & forth. My hand on the exit door handle, threatening to leave the person whom I wish most to connect with. The fear of being smothered mixed with the fear of losing my autonomy pushes me to the door every time. There were a few times that I walked out of the exit door of someone’s life, stood on the other side of the door frantically pulling on the handle attempting to re-enter from the emergency exit. Its impossible and can’t be done. I stand there completely alone, empty and wanting to feel something. Anything to remove the pain of my stupid mistake. Never meaning to hurt the one I love, but I did. Now I’m hurting as well. Now wtf?!

If you happen to fall in love with a Borderline, please know that it’s not you, its them. You need rules. You need to always be communicating with them and breaking everything down so that they understand as if they were a child, but never ever sound condescending. This will push them quicker than ice cream melting on a 90 degree summer day.

Here I stand looking at the emergency exit door. Just looking at it. Considering all my options. I’m not ready to walk through the door just yet.

Why isn’t One Man Enough?

If you are a regular reader of mine, you already know about Mr. Sam.

Last week Mr. Sam hit a rough patch in our friendship. The next day I unloaded most of my emotional wreckage onto my Beloved. He sat there listening to me babble on about Mr. Sam. I think my Beloved thought that the newness of Mr Sam would wear off. However, it has not. Although Mr Sam tends to get under my skin, so does my Beloved so that’s not a big deal. My Beloved knows I get bored with life, friends, family and activities.sassycat3000, latina, sexblogger, relationships, lovers, affairs, wayward

Boredom is my main trigger that gets me into major trouble when I don’t keep a close eye on it. I can get into a lot of trouble when I’m bored. Is that the same as being bored with one man? I believe we were never met to be monogamous. Does that mean we get bored with one partner? I have become bored with my Beloved? Maybe. Routine. Is that boredom. Is it that I am a different person now that I was when I first married him? I think I am a little different, not much. I think that the woman I am now was hiding all those years ago.

My beloved & I have gotten into a comfortable marital rut. You know, routines, patterns and competency. And what is my trigger? Right, boredom. Routines and patterns cause boredom. Through out our marriage I have always had another man in the background. I refer that guy to “the drunk I need in my life.” Because 9 times out of 10 the guy who is in the background is some addict, mainly alcoholics. They provide the chaos and drama I need to keep me going.

Looking back to the early 2000’s when my life hit the skids, when I had my mid-life crisis. It was then I used the internet to escape from reality. I met a few men, through social sites I was on. These men don’t haunt me like they used too. The ones that are fresh in my memory are my 805muse, he was around for almost 7 years. A daily dose of my drunken muse, until he reconnected with sobriety and his cult the JW’s. Not sure about the time frame, but then enters Charlie. Charlie comes back into my life, having his drunk ass in my life was wonderful UNTIL his toxicity contaminated me after years of being clean. I enjoyed having Charlie in my life. However we both knew it was time to end it. So we did just that.

In October 2016 I met Mr. Sam. He has consumed a lot of my time since our meeting. I have neglected so much work, chores and other things. We text during the day when I’m at home. We text in the last evenings before I go to bed. Mr. Sam is always there. There was a few weekends ago when I kicked him to the curb for something I pushed him to do. After a night of thinking I might have lost him, I cried to my Beloved about losing my background guy.  I’m not sure what my Beloved was expecting with this new man in the background at all. I like having Mr Sam in my life, I know he’s always there for me when I need him. He listens, we laugh a lot, we party together and we can understand each other on a different level than my Beloved and I. I really do love Mr Sam, in my own crazy way, more so than the others. I really would hate to give him up. I can’t see what life would be like without him, yet I know deep in my heart – nothing lasts forever.

The morning I cried to my Beloved about Mr Sam, I asked him “why can you be enough? Why isn’t one man enough for me? What’s wrong with me, I feel the need to have two men or sometimes more in my life at all times?” I felt horrible about saying that to him, had he said I would have died. He sat there and listened, comforting me as I cried about the possibility of losing the other man in my life. What sick & twisted shit is this?

Mr Sam looked at me at said “You just want to combine me & your Beloved into one man, into your perfect man.” I laughed and smiled and asked “is that possible?” LOL. Deep in my heart I know this will not end how I envisioned it, but will probably end in more tears and shattered hearts than happily ever after. I wish I knew why one man is not enough for me.

This was Wicked Wednesday’s Prompt #248 

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