Jager Night

Friday night is my night to spend out at the bar drinking & socializing. Hanging out with Mr. Sam and the old crew. On this specific night I went out without telling Mr. Sam and was talking with my very friend. I felt guilty for not telling him, but a part of me felt like I was too close that I was getting dependent on him for my emotional needs.

And when I do that I tend to get burned, my involvement with my former PIC the notorious Charlie, has left me defensive and suspicious of any behaviors. I just felt that if i let my guard down with Mr Sam that nothing good can or would come from that. I know that I am living in a fantasy world, waiting for the castle that I built in the sky to crumble down to earth. I wanted to feel that independent feeling again, attached to no one. Yet even with my closest friends I felt alone. The more I drank, the more intense that feeling got. I still longed for Mr Sam to be there with me, yet I knew in the back of my mind my security blanket has always been my Beloved.alcohol

There are some behaviors that I have noticed with Mr Sam that reminds me of Charlie and my fear is that soon, in the near future we will become toxic for each other. Mr Sam is an alcoholic and so was Charlie. I still haven’t figured out why I need to have a drunk somewhere in the background of my life. Mr Sam understands me better than my Beloved does, which is a wonderful feeling. Trying to explain my issues, illness and other things to my Beloved can be exhausting, but Mr Sam always gets me.

When I arrived at my regular dive bar I text Mr Sam for him to come down to see me. I had drunk a lot by then, and had started drinking a lot of water. I wanted to have fun, experience that feeling I felt when Mr Sam & I first met. I didn’t want to get too drunk that I would be hung over in the morning but I wanted to hit my plateau as Mr Sam calls it. When I wasn’t looking Mr Sam order me a shot of jager. Jager can make me go either direction just depends on my mood. I can be easily angered by other buzzed people. The shot of jager got me to that plateau where I enjoyed a comfortable buzz until the bar closed.

It’s Times like this that I don’t miss the Bar Drama

The bar scene is never a boring one for me. Sure there are times it can be but for the most part I can get a good rush from fucking with people there.
I hadn’t been to my dive bar in a while because I had told everyone that I was on lock down due to the mother in law is visiting for the summer. This is my excuse for staying out of the bar for the summer, because I hate drinking when it’s hot outside.
A week ago I stopped in for an hour and one of my drinking girlfriends told me that another regular had told the other regulars that I was getting a divorced and that I was getting together with Mr Sam.

Not true, but a rumor made up by a chick (who said she’s my friend) who wants to tarnish my reputation with Charlie’s crew so that she can be my replacement. Don’t misunderstand, I’m NOT a party favor like she is. I’m one of the guys so to speak. She wants the connections that I have due to being Charlie’s (ex) girlfriend.
She’s going about it the wrong way. I didn’t fuck my way into Charlie’s crew. That’s what she’s been doing. She’s fucked 5 different members of the crew. Those dudes weren’t even allowed to speak to me let alone fuck me. I’m not saying she can’t fuck the dudes but trying to sleep your way to the top and tarnishing my rep is something else.

So she started spreading these rumors about me. And when I walked in to the bar last night she immediately started in with gossip. She focused mostly on Mr. Sam & my bestie playing a game of pool. She mentioned that Mr. Sam has put on weight as if a woman is cooking for him. She picked on my bestie because she repeated what had been said about Mr. Sam putting on weight.

She went on & on about how suspicious it looked that Mr. Sam was ignoring me but hanging with my bestie. Funny but Mr. Sam & I had hung out all day. Day drinking, picnic in the park and then back to see my bestie. But that venomous bitch has to have something to talk about and since I’m in the way of her climb I’m the focus.
I spoon fed her all kinds of crap. But because the alcohol started to hit me, I became unruly. The bartender had given me a free drink because he was eavesdropping on our conversation. Poor me, Mr. Sam dropped me for my bestie. Not true but I played it up. I started punching her in the leg. I was slamming my free shot glass on the countertop making noise. Charlie’s crew watched the show intently. The bartender took my glass away. I watched Mr. Sam and my bestie sit together away from me on the other side of the bar. Mr. Sam asks me for some money, I yell at him about asking me for money. People look at us. My bestie introduced me to a dude (another regular I’m familiar with but don’t know formerly). He says something and I call him a motherfucker. Feeling the alcohol really starting to affect me I become louder. My bestie says to the dude “she’s mean, I mean really mean and don’t get too close.” He replies “I know, I’ve seen her before and I know she’s mean.” I slam my hand on the bar “motherfucker you don’t know me.”

Mr. Sam tries to tell me he’s leaving but I yell at him. My bestie goes to sit with the other dude and tells me “Sam couldn’t deal with your shit.” Which I found funny, because we had already planned it. I finish up my drink and tell the backstabbing chick that I’m leaving. She walks me out to my car, asking if I’m ok to drive home. Insisting I allow her to drive me home, no thank you. I’m not going home, I’m going to Mr. Sam’s apartment.

An Open Letter [BFMH2017]

Sometimes I replay past events, situations over in my head.
Tonight I’m replaying Friday night and trying to figure out where it went wrong for me (& you).
I can’t see you tolerating a lot of this type of behavior from me in the future. I will say it again … that I do not like myself when I get like that. That the booze has caused me to say and do things I normally would push somewhere else.
But once again I let myself get to the point when I have no filter or no sensor to tell me to be quiet.
I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I treated you badly and that I kind of ruined that buzz we had going. Eventually you will grow wary of the continuous outbursts, disappointments and tantrums. Maybe not this week or next…but you will. Not saying that you would leave or dump me but you will change. And I don’t want you to change who you are because I’m acting awful.
I don’t know how it spun so quickly out of control for me.
Ok. Maybe I do. I was jealous once again, but not in the way you think but maybe insecurity. I hate when I get like that. I hate when I feel jealous, insecure for no reason. I get frustrated because I want everyone to know that you are mine, that you belong to me. But I can’t do that and it makes me mad.
In the car I know I hurt you, today you shut down on me again. I pushed you Friday night and today I seen it. I felt it. I said nothing until now, because I hadn’t processed it in my head. I know if the tables were turned I would want you to acknowledge your behavior and apologize.
My fear is that one…you’ll leave out of frustration of this behavior.
Two: that I will continue to act like this when I get jealous, feel ganged up on and feeling picked at.
I don’t mind when you tease me, pick at me in fun but when I ask you to stop and you continue, I get angry and lash out. Like the time at the bar when I hit you in the face. Which I hate myself for because I don’t like being disrespectful to someone I care about. But when I ask you to stop teasing me I just want you to respect that at that moment. It’s the same as if I said “stop” or “no” during sex. I know you wouldn’t keep doing it,right?
Unfortunately as you know those childhood wounds run deep.
I know that I always want you in my life. Even if we’re just being friends, I would be ok with that.
I’m sorry, I really am. I hope this makes sense to you and doesn’t make things worse. I love you.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

Unstable Relationships. A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.

Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.

Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days.

Impulsive Aggression: coupled with a highly reactive and unstable affect modulation. Thus, patients with BPD will respond to disappointment and frustrations with intense emotions like rage, fear of abandonment and dysphoria. Then serve to trigger the generation of an impulsive, often aggressive, response to the provocation.

Push-Pull Syndrome: A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.

 

 

Crawl! Get on all fours and Crawl! [kotw]

The first image that came into my mind when I read the prompt for kink of the week was the scene in one of my favorite movies “9 1/2 Weeks.”

When I watched it back then I felt like there is no way I would ever want to crawl for anyone and the money would make me feel like a prostitute. I wasn’t turned on by that scene at all nor would I get turned on by watching someone crawl to me.

If there was a man in my life who felt submissive more than dominant, I suppose I could see him crawling for me or to me. If I’m on the floor with my partner and he crawls to me, it’s not because it’s a sexual thing it’s because he probably is getting closer to me and crawling would be easier than standing up and walking.

Adding to this that my knees are no longer the knees of a 20 something year old. I’m missing ligaments in one knee and this Thursday I will get the results of my recent MRI test on the other knee, which the doctor seems to think I tore the meniscus. So, I am not thrilled to be on the floor crawling on my hands and knees.

I will say Molly’s prompt photo is very sexy, crawling photos? Yes I think those can be sexy. Still not sexually turned on by looking at them.

Molly asked “…those that actively hate the idea of it. Why do you think is?”

Why do I hate crawling? I don’t. I just don’t get in to crawling.  In my mind it makes me degraded more than I care to feel. I don’t mind a good degrading hardcore fucking but crawling on all fours crosses a line with me. I really don’t have a specific reason. The kink of crawling leaves me cold and indifferent. I don’t see it ever being a part of my sex life.

Wanna read more about the kink of crawling? Click the banner below and read more.

 

 

Tonight was a Mistake [BFMH2017]

I am the type of person who always needs to know why. Why people do the things they do. Why do I attract certain types of people? How do I change that?

Towards the end of Charlie & I, I thought if I could just figure him out then perhaps I could discover some of the reasons I do what I do.

I can’t see myself as a codependent that I keep attracting alcoholics into my life. However I am all too familiar with the addiction cycle. Chaos & drama are a few of my current addictions. But then there’s a time when I just want off the merry-go-round.

Having Charlie in my life I could live I vicariously through him without any danger or fear of dirtying up my life. But now I have found another alcoholic to fit into the void that Charlie left.

Charlie was pretty good when it came to the sex, in the beginning but towards the end it was getting bad. The dirtier the better, to the edge and over. This new one has fallen short of my expectations, I think it’s the booze. I’m thinking that the state of the body is at the level when danger is just down the road a few blocks.

I’ve been going back through all my material on addiction and looking for that one statement that lets me know that what I’m feeling & thinking about this situation is correct and a good decision. In the back of my mind I have an idea, I wanna ride this out to prove myself right. Why? So I can look in the mirror and say I told you so see!? I was right! Or to learn to stop doubting my gut instincts.

A jagerbomb was bought for me to drink. Because when I reach that plateau I am the life of the party. I’m the one the people in the bar like to watch because I can go either way. I could spin out of control by yelling, fighting or I could laugh and dance & sing to the songs playing on the jukebox. He so wanted me to get to that plateau, but not this time. I don’t think he expected to be at the receiving end of the yelling & arguing.

So Cat, whatcha gonna do?

I’m not sure yet. Doing the same behavior hasn’t done much in the past. Neither has letting all my walls down or putting them back up. I’ll probably do the same thing I started doing 19 years ago, that’s pushing the drunk out of my inner sanctum and locking him – forever. He will learn to be content in the walls of the other rooms but never again will he see the tears that the jagerbomb bought out tonight.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

Unstable Relationships. A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.

Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.

Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days.

 

 

 

 

 

[Even though the “Blog for Mental Health” meme has been disconnected I continued to share…I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.]

Y…because I love that bar

I find myself talking more and more about the dive bar that Charlie & I used to hang out together at. Now Mr. Sam & I hang out there together, it’s still the same ol’ dirty seedy looking dive bar.

I enjoy the fucked up people who go in there who drink their troubles away. I enjoy that “cheers” atmosphere when I walk through the door.

However summer soon approaches and that means that I wont be there as much as I go there during the winter. Summer time is when I stay home, hanging out in the backyard, working in my garden and riding the motorcycle.

I’ve seen bartenders come & go and return again. Some times it’s a long time before you see the same people, other times it’s the same people everyday. Just depends on what’s going on in their lives.

Most of the time my bar friends are willing to lend a helping hand, especially when it comes to my photography. I needed something for the letter “Y” and this is what I came up with, thanks to the little missy in the photo.

y because i love this bar, atozchallenge

 

Toast before doing a shot

Who makes toasts anymore?!

People in my bar do. Sometimes. It just really depends on the occasion and who bought the shot. The person who bought the round of shots is the one who offers the toast.

When I’m in my bar I have noticed that I tend to get a lot of shots. I often feel bad because I never have enough money to reciprocate the action. I do keep a mental record of those who have shown me this type of generosity for the times that I do have extra cash to share. There are times when I will go without the alcohol so that I can repay the favors in shots.

I do love my shots. The alcohol hits fast and hard and the yukky taste doesn’t last for long. I no longer do shots of Tequila, Jose, Patron or any other type. Don’t do shots of Lord Calvart, Rumplemintz, Goldschlager, Yukon jack. Those are just a few that I quit.

I can drink a shot of RumChata with Frangelico, Dr Macgillicuddys, Bird Dog Strawberry whiskey. I limit my shots of Jägermeister because bad things happen when I drink too much of that.

taost before a shot. atozchallenge

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