What did I do Now?

Mr. Sam & I have talked over the last few days. It’s always fun learning about people, making new friends and the process of it all. It does become more difficult as we get older, making new friends and bringing them into our present lives.

Mr. Sam has been an interesting one. There has always been something about him that I haven’t been able to put my finger on. I hate that, whatever “it” is about him eludes me.

I had heard rumors about him from an acquaintance, this somewhat prevented me from getting any closer to him, out of fear of my attachment issues. I tried to keep my distance-emotionally that is. [Borderlines have that fear of rejection & abandonment. This sensation can cause the Borderline to act out, become desperate to prevent the pain of being left. The actions can easily get out of control. Basically anything to numb the pain that we feel. Add in the mix that we became upset with the person who left us].

Unfortunately I couldn’t keep from getting addicted to his attention. At first it wasn’t a daily conversation, maybe once or twice a week normally at night when I was getting ready for bed. He would text me. We would text much about nothing. How he understood me, how he wanted to see the real me. He wanted to get passed my high walls & shields so that he could see the real me. I thought “hell, there is no real me!” Looking back the conversations weren’t really all that moving. He did try to comfort me when I was feeling low, he tried to make me laugh and smile. But there are few men that can accomplishment that with the greatest of ease. To me that’s a talent, making someone laugh & smile who doesn’t want but does anyway because they can’t help it.

Sam increased his communication with me, it became nightly. Reading some of his texts I asked myself “how much as he had to drink?” I hear my other half in my head…”you attract drunks, they are fascinated by you, full of drama which you crave.” So I figured that Mr. Sam probably fit into this group. I’ve seen him drunk because there were a few times the PHC had gotten together for dinner and drinks. He’s been coming on strong in the past few days. In the beginning he kept talking about wanting someone who is “the one.” I kept telling him “it’s not me!” I know damn well I’m too crazy for most men. For some reason, this group of men that I attract seem to think that they have the ability to cope with my crazy.

Mr. Sam would say “too old to play games” later he changed his tune to be happy with friends with bennies. I really had no intentions on that, but it was a fun little fantasy. He would include a lot of sexual innuendo in our conversations, but the conversations were never really to in-depth. Which to me was disappointing. The main thing he wanted to see is “the real me.” I had to laugh because there is only one person who has gotten to see the real me. They battled demons, jumped hoops and walked on fire rocks to get to see the real me and this derp thinks that I’m gonna just open the door and say “come on in.”

I told him that the circle he has traveled in has betrayed his trust and told one of his secrets. Eventually, the story slipped out, Sam was extremely upset even though he denied what I was told about him. We were still friends up until I joked and said “maybe I shouldn’t talk to you anymore.” He replied with “your choice.” That was the last I heard from him.

What upsets me the most is that I started to believe what he told me. I try to keep these kind of men away, arm’s distance about he was really nice. I thought in some way I could replace Charlie, but I was a fool. It did take a few days for me to get my feelings back to baseline.

Continue Reading about Mr. Sam

Meet Mr Sam

I was at the bar when I noticed a tall silver-haired man walk by. I said to my friends that he wasn’t bad-looking. They both agreed. I jokingly mentioned how I would love to play around with him once or twice. So T1 walks over to him and introduces himself, next thing he introducing himself to me.

WTF?! Note to self: Don’t say anything like that in front of T1 again!

Then T2 walks over to him and they are having a nice little chat. Later on at some point they became Facebook friends. Whaaaa? Ok. I thought maybe “Sam Elliot” isn’t attracted to women, since he seems to be really chatting it up with T1 & T2.

I put him out of my head, I needed to focus on my upcoming trip and other things. A few weeks later, I had walked into the watering hole after I returned from New Orleans. There was Sam sitting there by himself. I decided to put on a bit of a show since I just got back and I was talking to Charlie’s best friends.

I noticed him watching me out of the corner of his eye. So, I leaned over to him and acknowledged him. I kind of played dumb. “It’s Sam, right?”henrys hard soda, alcohol, the bar

“Yes, You’re Cat. Friends with the PHC.”

“In the flesh!” I said with a giggle.

I gave him a few minutes more of my time. We made small talk, about email addresses and he was interested in me taking pictures of his art work. I kind of just blew him off, because I don’t take anything anyone says in a bar seriously if I don’t know them that well. I then continued my conversation with Charlies friends and we ended up walking out together.

That ended my brief meeting with Sam. The next time I seen him was with a group of mutual friends. It was a dinner, we really didn’t speak all that much. He did try to talk to me more than before, I noticed there was what seemed to be a competition between him and another one of the friends. Each one sat on each side of me. I felt elated.  One thing I did notice is that Sam never offers to buy me a drink. All the other guys that I hang with, even Charlie’s crew offer to buy me at least one drink. But this guy doesn’t.

We started talking about music, oldies and he asks me “what’s the best concert you ever attended?” I smiled because I’m normally the one who asks questions like that, to get a conversation going. The best moment was when I gave him my first test. “Tell me a story.” I said to him. He asked “No restrictions?”

“Nope.”

He went on with his story. I don’t remember what he shared with me, because I was shocked & thrilled that he actually was creative enough to come up with a story. He asked me a few other questions. We talked most of the night, until we heard “LAST CALL!!”

All the drunks stumbled out of the bar into the parking lot. I kept walking, waving and yelling “See you guys next week!”

Read More about Mr. Sam

Leave Before You Act [BFMH2016]

My friend text me wanting to get a drink. As usual she wants to visit the dive bar where Charlie & I hang out. She droves across town for a few drinks. I agree to have a drink with her, as I approach the bar I see Billy standing outside. “Charlie’s inside.”

WHAT???

Did he just say Charlie is inside? Should I be angry that Charlie lied to me about not being there at night. It was a little after 7pm, he also said that he would only be there on the weekends. WTF?! Now, I’m caught off guard. This started to eat at me, before I could even get a handle on the situation. As my friend opened the bar door I looked briefly in to the bar. Charlie is standing with his back to the door. She walks in, I wait until a few minutes later, still talking to Billy about shit.

I see another one of Charlie’s crew members, Bud. He walks in, sits down and looks at me from across the bar. He had a blank look on his face. Kind of pissed off, kind of angry and one of don’t talk to me. Sunday, I had mentioned to Charlie that one night that Bud was super drunk and had kind of hit on me to go with him to another bar. I laughed “as if.” And now that Charlie’s back, he’s already talked to everyone, or most of them. I can bet that Charlie has already talked to Bud about what I said. FUCK! ARGH! My fault for telling Charlie – anything.

Astro walks out, we don’t speak. I think its eating at him that I don’t talk to him now. I guess I don’t really need to. I’m sitting there drinking my drink, listening for Charlie’s voice. I watch him in the mirror shooting pool. He never comes over to me, nor I to him. I don’t even look around the bar. My friend babbles on about what’s going on with me. And stuff she feels she needs to share with me. I can feel the emotional overload brewing in my gut.

Instead of having some sort of outburst, I tend to run to my safe place. But before I could do that Astro comes over to me. “Can I talk to you a minute, outside?”

NOW WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!

We walk outside, I see Charlie watching from across the room but makes no effort to come see what’s going on. Astro starts in on me about the last time we had a conversation. How he knew he pissed me off, but he was trying to keep me safe, blahblahblah. He went on to say that I need to be careful with the women that I’ve hung around with, because it’s not good. WHAT? WHAT? Are you telling me the drunks in a dive bar are judgmental? That I’m being judged by the people I drink with? FUCKIN’ Kidding me! He just gave me a bush of bullshit excuses as to why he did what he did to me. I told him I made a mistake that night, I will never do it again. I wont ever ask him for anything again. I ended the conversation with “we’re good.” I’m not really but there’s nothing more to say.

I walk back to my friend, “You were out there a really long time? What’s wrong? You ok?” I guess I’m not good at hiding my emotions. It’s really easy to see it all in my eyes. I said “Yea, I’m good, but I gotta leave.”

She starts in “Tell me what’s going on. You can’t leave.”

The night spiraled too quickly out of control for me. I started to feel disgusted sitting there in that shit hole dive bar. She kept pressuring me to tell her. FUCK I hate that shit. If I wanted you to know, fuck I’d tell you. She tosses out “well if you’re gonna start keeping secrets than I’m gonna not tell you stuff.” Motherfuck. Really?! She doesn’t tell me shit about shit and maybe I’m a shitting friend for not asking or even worse for not caring. I think it’s a shitty friend. If I cared I would ask, right?

I wanted to scream at her. Can’t do that, right? I wanted to run home and emotionally vomit on my beloved. I felt like I can’t breath, better yet like you have to puke, but you’re trying to hold it in until you get to the toilet for the release. Yeah, that’s how I felt.

I don’t like it when a friend pressures me in to doing something I don’t want do to. Like when I wanted to leave the bar because I no longer felt comfortable there. Instead of just saying “OK…” with some simple add-on statement they have to start asking & demanding an explanation about why I wanna leave. Friends, I think would have said “yea, sure we’ll finish catching up later.”

I can’t tell her what I know. She says “I didn’t know that Charlie was back, when did he get back?” I know all the back story but I can’t tell her nor do I want to. I tried to explain to her in some words about this specific dive bar. That I noticed the judgement from the others in the bar when I am with who ever. She mumbles at me “So We’re just here hanging a drink, that’s all.” She doesn’t get how cliquish that place is, how they all look at who am I with, they look at why is she there. I know it’s for Charlie and most people are starting to figure that out. Sure she knows a lot of people, but I also notice that she doesn’t have a lot of friends.  I guess I’m tired of this bar. I thought I wanted to be in the know, but not anymore. It’s a lot of work to be popular, even among the drunks. I just don’t want to be bothered with it anymore. Leave while you’re on top.

I did leave after telling her that I would explain at a later date. I gave her a hug and walked out the front door, not looking back to see Charlie I just left. A part of me was praying that he was waiting outside the back door, but he wasn’t. I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday when I got a text from him. UGH. Emotions, I hate them.walking the dog

My emotions are somewhat raw today. I did some exercising this morning to get the hormones moving. I took the dog for a long walk to clear my head. It did for a like a minute. I know that I need a good nights rest since last night I didn’t have one. Need to eat properly, which I have been, no sweets.

Looking back at the night. I had one drink in 45 minutes. I didn’t want anymore. I didn’t crave any more. I knew that any more alcohol in an emotional state could have serious consequences. I came home, waited for my beloved to get ready for me to emotionally vomit on him, but he took too long. Fuel to the already smoldering fire. I just want a new place to go to have a drink. I don’t want to go back there anymore. I just can’t process the judgmental boozeheads…..

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

  • Wanting to Yell at Someone. You might want to yell & scream at someone to relieve your emotional pressure that’s building. Suggestion is to remove yourself from the situation as soon as you feel those urges building & brewing inside you.
  • Feeling Disgust.

Helpful Hints

  • Find a constructive way of releasing it. Talking it over with someone you care about works wonders.
  • Work through the situation, find what triggered you to get emotional. Make a mental note for the future.
  • Finding out where the feeling of disgust is stemming from. Is it moral or environmental?

Borderline

When I went to get tested for Attention Deficit Hyper Disorder the Licensed Clinical Psychologist had told me that he thought that I had some of these symptoms but would need more sessions to get a better assessment. It only took one more session to see a pattern from childhood. He did mention that I was “very together.” No trouble with the law, no substance dependency kind of thing. It’s one reason I stopped going to therapy. I wanted to know what was wrong with me, now I can work on fixing me.

I have written a few posts about mental illness while taking part in this year’s Blog for Mental Health Project.  I’ve debated whether I should say anything at all. However, part of me thinks, there’s nothing wrong with me, ya know? I look like everyone else. I seem normal. Yet, I know there are times that I am not normal. I’ve been given excuses for my past behaviors. Oh, you’re just passionate, you’re rebellious and you’re just saying what everyone is thinking. And so on.

Here are a few quotes from a few websites that I like the way it describes Borderline Personality Disorder.

…that centers on the inability to manage emotions effectively.  The disorder occurs in the context of relationships:  sometimes all relationships are affected, sometimes only one….

…While some persons with BPD are high functioning in certain settings, their private lives may be in turmoil. Other disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse and other personality disorders. can often exist along with BPD. National Education Alliance Borderline Personality Disorder

Most people who have Borderline Personality Disorder suffer from:

  • Problems regulating their emotions and thoughts
  • Impulsive and sometimes reckless behavior
  • Unstable relationships

To be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, a person must experience at least five of the following symptoms:

  1. Fear of abandonment or rejection – for me this isn’t so much a problem. I do not fear abandonment or rejection with my spouse. However, others in my life I do feel that they will leave me or reject me. I used to joke about the idea of me having the “fear of rejection” prior to my knowledge that I have this illness. I look back and did some really crazy things to keep people (especially men) in my life. I would do some really crazy shit. I sometimes try to control the other person’s leaving, by pushing them harder to leave. So I can deal with the loss of them in my time.
  2. Unstable or changing relationships – Looking back people tend not to stay long periods in my life. I push them along, quickly. There are few that have stayed in my life over 20 years, however the key is not to be on constant contact with them. My friendships/relationships would spiral into a push-pull relationship. I would push and push and push a man to the edge of his sanity. Just as he was about to fall off the edge of the cliff I will pull him back. I would use anything I could to keep him with me. Even when I knew that we were never meant to be together. I don’t have many female friends. It’s not that I don’t want a group of women that I can hang with its because of insecurities on either or both sides. I can only fit into their mold for so long before I begin to undone.
  3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self – I blame my parents for this. My issues with my body and who I am as a person are up & down. I was always told about “fat” people. Don’t get fat like your mother. No one wants you you’re fat. I heard this from different people in my life as I was growing up & when I got divorced. I don’t have a true sense of who I am. I tend to “fit” in with a group as best I can. I can only think of it as a girdle. Everything is held into place, until I get home and that’s when I let it all hang out. My mother taught me to “use” my assets to get what I want & need. So, my body is really my selling point. Since my main asset is no longer at its prime. I  hit a “mental pothole.”  That’s when I will do whatever I need to do to get the weight off. It can be illegal drugs, weight loss pills, laxatives, exercising for hours. I don’t go to the gym any more,  because I  would hang with the guys from the gym. I got into too much trouble which would led into #4 (below)
  4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Continuing from #3  I would need a way to make myself feel better about me. I would use sex as a method to get “high.” However, in my 20’s I realized that it was a circle. I wasn’t doing any thing different. I would feel worse after I snuck out of their place, car or where ever we were. The high emotion never felt the same. I was always chasing it. The wild sex adventures is what makes me feel good. I have a few regrets. I bounced from reckless & risky sex adventures to binge drinking, drugging and over spending on clothes & shoes. Funny about the driving being listed. Because, I was fast when it came to driving. Looking back, surprised I’m still here. My driving record is clean for the most part, due to it’s now my career. I must have a clean driving record, can’t mix any booze & drugs while driving.  I would lose my license. Explaining this to my beloved would crush me,  I “act out”  in private. I don’t include any one from my inner circle. Strangers or people I don’t expect to see daily.
  5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury
  6. Varied or random mood swings – I didn’t wanna believe this one. However when my kids are in emotional turmoil I tend to feed off their emotions. If someone close to me is upset, I can easily get upset also. Sometimes when the #7 kick into high gear, all of it gets pushes into mood swings into self-image issues to impulsive behavior. Just a huge circle for me at times.
  7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness, emptiness – This is constant feeling. Sometimes, I go days without knowing how I feel. I just feel blank. Difficult to explain to normal people. I used to describe it as just black. There is no color. Just like my future, I don’t see myself in 5 years, 10 years or 20 years. It’s just all black.
  8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights – Not so much anymore, but when I was younger. There were fights at school, fights with family members and fights in public places. My anger in my childhood was to me extreme. I would have tantrums where I would pull all the drawers out of the dresser. Clothes everywhere. I would act out like a caged animal. I think that if I could have been allowed to express my feelings correctly, burn off energy. I might not have had such extreme anger issues. I was still having physical fights in my 20’s. Although those fights were with my ex-spouse or ex-boyfriends. I had a physical fight with my “fuck buddy” in the bar we hung out in. I was on a date with my current spouse, when my fuck buddy had said to me “You’re a fucking slut, I know you’re gonna fuck him and then come over to fuck me too.” I lost it. I punched him in the face while he sat at the bar. Since the bartender knew both of us, he told me to “take it outside.” I did. I basically fought him in the parking lot. I won. My evening ended shortly afterwards.
  9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

Read more my of my Blog for Mental Health posts.

The bold print above show my symptoms. Some tend to be stronger than others. Some symptoms are not as plain as the others. Looking back to my childhood I can see how & why this all occurred. To me, I believe it’s environmental along with biological. I was not sexually abused, physically abused (only spankings at times) I was very spoiled by all, except my grandmother. What a bitch. I accept that I was neglected as a child. I was placed on the pedestal, taken down and shown off by each parent when it was convenient for them. To me, half the problem is knowing the back history of it all, now to move forward. I don’t see anything major wrong with me. I’ve been able to hold down a job for long periods of time, a marriage, residence. I think the key is finding a person who understands you as an individual. Maybe even opposite of you, to help in keeping the relationship balanced.

The Game I Play

I sit here analyzing why there is a change in behavior. I pick apart every action. Is his actions directed towards me?
Is there some under lying issue that I’m not aware of? Maybe he got scared. Maybe he is thinking he made a mistake.
Maybe this is a good thing. Later on during the day. I understood why. What will I do? He struggles to find someone to occupy his time. I can see him casually look in my direction, attempting to make eye connect. I won’t give him what he wants. I’m playing the game. I wanna win.

He seems distant, upset with my decision to distance myself. He tries to keep from touching me, standing next to me. It’s difficult. I can see that. Others seem to notice that something strange, uneasy is happening to the two of us. It makes the others uncomfortable. Sitting arrangements are changed when I pick someone else’s seat. This causes the others to scramble for a comfortable sitting arrangement.

We don’t talk at all the rest of the day.

The next day comes along, early in the morning. He watches me walk in, sit down. His body language is turned away from me, however I turn with my leg crossed toward him. He quickly turns toward me, slapping my boot.

“What’s new?”

“Nothing.”

He gives me a look of confusion along with “what do you mean nothing?!”

“You heard me. I got nothing. Nothing new so why even say anything?!”

“Dazzle them with your bullshit.”

“I’m not your trained monkey here for your entertainment. I’m tired. You should entertainment me!”

He gave me that look of confusion again. He laughed & smiled. I added “are you gonna do that thing that you do for me because I’m in need.”

He chuckled loudly “yes, because I’m in need too.”

Sexual innuendo is what he & I do best. We were both referring to something else. It was time for me to leave. “You have a good day.”

“You sure do like putting pressure on me, don’t ya?!” I see that charming smile of his.

Later on that day. I had got my car stuck in the snow. I thought I wouldn’t have enough time to make it, but I did. He claps his hands as I walk into the room. I just look at him, not knowing that he was already aware of the reason for my delay. I sat across from him at the table. He looks me in the eyes smiling big. “What?!”

“Nothing.”

“Searching for a handle on the moment? I couldn’t help you.”

He moved back, a bit in his chair, slightly annoyed. Another woman came in to show us a super cute baby doll diaper she had made for her granddaughter’s doll. He looks at it “whatcha gonna do with that?”

I smart off “she needs to know your size, because she’s gonna make you one next!” The other men busted out laughing. They seem to enjoy watching him & I interact. They don’t say much when he & I are huddled together across the table. I kept my distance this time. “Time to go?!” He looks at his watch “Oh yeah, it is!”

I had already walked to the outer door when I yelled “come on grandpa!”

“GRANDPA?!”

I laugh, standing still. He walks towards me, reaching forward with both hands as if he was gonna reach around me to hug me underneath my coat. Instead, he corrects himself and grabs my coat with both his hands. “You’ll give you grandpa!” We walk out. I almost tucked my arm under his as we walked out into the lot. I caught myself. I have felt this way before. Once on holiday, there was a man. I felt so comfortable with. I wanted to touch him all the time, but had to remember that our spouses were so close by. I had to be mentally on guard otherwise I would have been touchy, relaxed, flirty. I had remember that people could see us. I walked shoulder to shoulder with him “I’m still waiting for my story.”

“Story? Story? I don’t have one.” I was disappointed. I use this test on lots of men that attempt the inner circle. He isn’t scoring well so far. I scolded him “how can you not have a story for me? You suck!!!”

“Yes, sometimes I do.”

I ignored that comment.

Standing next to him waiting for the load to put on his vehicle. I ask “did you miss me?”

“I thought you’re weren’t gonna make it.”

“What? What do you know?”

“I was in the office when you called. I was told that I couldn’t give you a hard time about it.”

“OMG, I didn’t want you knowing!”

“Don’t worry. It’s no big deal. I was told just not to give you a hard time about it, but I there is something I really wanna give you just as hard.”

Just then I was called that my vehicle was ready. I hopped in and pulled out of the lot.

I tend to play a game or two. However to my defense of this behavior. We all play a game to get our needs met. There is always a motive behind every action. Not saying that playing this game is a good thing, just saying it’s human nature. I can play until I get caught up in it. Until I lose focus. I already decided that he is off-limits. I also believe that if anything physical were to take place that it would change the dynamic of the friendship. I’m a little more settled with it, then I was on Thursday. Thursday was difficult for me. I totally withdrew from everyone, almost everything.

My 3 Words for 2014

@ChrisBrogan‘s #mythreewords Blogathon 2014

 

I don’t even remember how I stumbled onto this blogging event. I ended up on a List.ly page here. Another blogging challenge for individuals to take part in. Once upon a time for me, the new year’s challenge was just agreeing to “get fit.” Now it’s all about the blogging.

Deciding on three words has been one of the most difficult things I have been trying to come up with.  Since this is my first time participating in this blogathon I’m not sure to sure of myself. Ok, there is my first word.

Self. Working on self. Me. Being honest to myself. Being comfort with how I am as a person. Working on character defects, shortcomings. Working on issues that have hindered me advancing forward. Blogging about whatever I wanna blog about, not always worrying about what others think of me or how they view me. I’ve said it before, “Stop trying to fit in to cliques”. All those types of things that have to do with “self”. 

Cultivate. Like a farmer & his field of crops, I will tend to those friendships & relationships that I have in the past, neglected. I wanna attempt to become less self absorbed and to reach out to others. To listen to others, read more blogs and most importantly comment on what I have read in those blogs. Work on making new connections with other bloggers that are similar and different from me. To be open to fresh ideas, willing to learn from others. Really work at connecting to others and trying to get over the hurdle of possibly being rejected. Most about the connecting & cultivating friendships is that I listen. I wanna listen more to others. That is not gonna be easy for me.

Finish. I have always had trouble with finishing any major project I start. From the smallest of tasks to the huge ones. I just never seem to be able to finish what I start. This year I wanna say that I “finished” it. Whatever the “it” is. Whether it’s a blogging challenge to cleaning out the basement to doing something for a friend. Mostly, just getting “it” finished. This will be my toughest word for this new year.

Best Wishes & Good Luck.

Want more information? Click here

  • My Three Words for 2014 (passingthru.com)
  • What Are Your 3 Words for the Year? (questionpro.com)
  • Three Words (nishaksquared.com)
  • Blogathon – Jan 2014 (dreamymommy.wordpress.com)
  • Three words for 2014 (toddlohenry.com)

Clark – The ManWhore

Well, let’s see, I met “Clark” back in July of 2009 when I was an audio blogging type of site. Ahead of its time, with great widgets and a small circle of hardcore drama driven members. Clark had made a post sharing how he had let a female co-worker use his blazer and how she had totally trashed and abused it while she used it. I had made a comment in response to his post and he started “following” me shortly after that.

Clark has an amazingly sexy voice and is very intelligent. I don’t remember when actually we started flirting, it just sort of happened.  I knew nothing would ever come of our flirting, I made it clear (as I do with all the guys) that I am married and would not be looking to “hook up” or have any “IRL meeting.” I was more attracted to Clark due to his voice and his charm, like a Pied Piper of women, he had a certain something that he is always surrounded by women.

He and I are more alike and total opposites on the same coin. Clark is 100% German and I am 100% Mexican, night and day if you will. He had not yet embraced his true identity of what I refer to as his “inner man whore” and my “inner slut” was starting to reemerge. I saw that in him which he tried so hard to deny and ignore, I just kept telling him to embrace it. I think he was more afraid of society and the expectations of his parents, that they raised a “good boy”. That’s why “Clark Kent” is his name. He now hides his true identity under that “good boy” exterior.

He was recently divorced from a woman he compared to a “starfish.” “What’s that?” I asked him “a woman who just lays there and doesn’t move.” I had to laugh at that. Clark & I remain friends to this day, we continue to flirt. I know he would be there for me if & when ever I needed him. Whatever my “need” may be.

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