His Darkness affects My Darkness

I don’t remember how long it took me to finally trust or to feel secure with my Beloved. It’s going on 20 years of insanity between us. Looking back I don’t think we had a lot of problems but outsiders looking in have told me that they thought we were getting divorced because of all the bickering.

Now that Mr. Sam has been in my life I can see where & how my insecurities crop up. For those of us who suffer from Borderline, having someone else who also has a mental illness only causes more issues that need to be addressed.

Caring for them both for them deeply, I don’t ever want to lose either one of them. However, at times one of them shuts down on me. I feel left out. I have no idea whats going on in that head of his. Sadly that the sociopath in me doesn’t care, but that’s with anyone. I’m not a person to ask lots of questions, unless I’m looking for something. I probably should ask questions because someone who suffers from chronic depression can easily slip down that slope into total darkness to be lost in their madness.

I always have to “emotionally vomit” on one of the important men in my life. Emotionally vomiting (my term that I always use) is when I have to get everything out of my being so that I don’t erupt on the wrong person or do or say something, anything that I will regret. So one day my Beloved asked me “Wait. Wait. Are you mad at me? Did I do or say anything to upset you? Is this directed at me?”

I laughed and said NO silly. I just need to vent so that I don’t explode. He breathed a huge sigh of relief. I continued. It’s what I do now. I vent on one of the two men, who ever is available at the time. Now if neither one is available then there is a problem because I get frustrated, impatient and restless. Those feelings then push me to do impulsive things, things I wouldn’t normally do, well maybe. Things that try to fill the emotional void. Sometimes I think I do things to make me feel, something, anything.

Emotions … acting without the benefit of intellect.

I know can see that communication is key in any relationship. But if one has a mental illness and shuts down then what? Do I get in their face and demand for them to talk? I won’t. I can’t. When it comes to Mr. Sam I am still walking on shaky ground. What bothers me the most is his inability to just tell me what he needs, if its space, time or a shoulder. Then again when someone is falling into their darkness how can they reach out? I know that he is not leaving me (yet) and I am not leaving him. I do enjoy his friendship, his tenderness and ability to see me for who I truly am.

The best thing for me is to keep my hands busy because when the mind has nothing to focus on then that’s when I get into trouble. I have tons of things to do. Things that I have neglected for months. But first things first, get some photos done and then finish up all those reviews I have.

After I published this post, one of the last songs Charlie had played for me came on my playlist. I floated away to that moment that our relationship was falling apart, but the lyrics to this song can now apply to Mr. Sam. I don’t ever want to lose him but yet a part of me knows nothing last forever. I will do what I do best when we get like this. If you wanna know the song you can find out by clicking this youtube link.

It’s Times like this that I don’t miss the Bar Drama

The bar scene is never a boring one for me. Sure there are times it can be but for the most part I can get a good rush from fucking with people there.
I hadn’t been to my dive bar in a while because I had told everyone that I was on lock down due to the mother in law is visiting for the summer. This is my excuse for staying out of the bar for the summer, because I hate drinking when it’s hot outside.
A week ago I stopped in for an hour and one of my drinking girlfriends told me that another regular had told the other regulars that I was getting a divorced and that I was getting together with Mr Sam.

Not true, but a rumor made up by a chick (who said she’s my friend) who wants to tarnish my reputation with Charlie’s crew so that she can be my replacement. Don’t misunderstand, I’m NOT a party favor like she is. I’m one of the guys so to speak. She wants the connections that I have due to being Charlie’s (ex) girlfriend.
She’s going about it the wrong way. I didn’t fuck my way into Charlie’s crew. That’s what she’s been doing. She’s fucked 5 different members of the crew. Those dudes weren’t even allowed to speak to me let alone fuck me. I’m not saying she can’t fuck the dudes but trying to sleep your way to the top and tarnishing my rep is something else.

So she started spreading these rumors about me. And when I walked in to the bar last night she immediately started in with gossip. She focused mostly on Mr. Sam & my bestie playing a game of pool. She mentioned that Mr. Sam has put on weight as if a woman is cooking for him. She picked on my bestie because she repeated what had been said about Mr. Sam putting on weight.

She went on & on about how suspicious it looked that Mr. Sam was ignoring me but hanging with my bestie. Funny but Mr. Sam & I had hung out all day. Day drinking, picnic in the park and then back to see my bestie. But that venomous bitch has to have something to talk about and since I’m in the way of her climb I’m the focus.
I spoon fed her all kinds of crap. But because the alcohol started to hit me, I became unruly. The bartender had given me a free drink because he was eavesdropping on our conversation. Poor me, Mr. Sam dropped me for my bestie. Not true but I played it up. I started punching her in the leg. I was slamming my free shot glass on the countertop making noise. Charlie’s crew watched the show intently. The bartender took my glass away. I watched Mr. Sam and my bestie sit together away from me on the other side of the bar. Mr. Sam asks me for some money, I yell at him about asking me for money. People look at us. My bestie introduced me to a dude (another regular I’m familiar with but don’t know formerly). He says something and I call him a motherfucker. Feeling the alcohol really starting to affect me I become louder. My bestie says to the dude “she’s mean, I mean really mean and don’t get too close.” He replies “I know, I’ve seen her before and I know she’s mean.” I slam my hand on the bar “motherfucker you don’t know me.”

Mr. Sam tries to tell me he’s leaving but I yell at him. My bestie goes to sit with the other dude and tells me “Sam couldn’t deal with your shit.” Which I found funny, because we had already planned it. I finish up my drink and tell the backstabbing chick that I’m leaving. She walks me out to my car, asking if I’m ok to drive home. Insisting I allow her to drive me home, no thank you. I’m not going home, I’m going to Mr. Sam’s apartment.

Dates, Mates & Relationships [TMITuesday]

1. Which of these are you most often guilty of in a relationship:
a. jealousy…..this is really bad when I’m drunk. I’m jealous over men that I have no right to be, because they are not mine. I get a tab jealous of my few female friends however, not as much as with my men.
b. not apologizing…..I never used to say “sorry.” My beloved worked on me for years, I do apologize when its my fault or if I hurt you.
c. not keeping your word
d. guilt trips…not so much anymore, but I can still manipulate a situation for my benefit.

2. Which of the following behaviors would annoy you most in a partner.
a. fishing for compliments by verbalizing self-doubt…I do this more than he does, but he still does it just doesn’t bother me.
b. passive-aggressive behavior…this would get on nerves after a while.
c. usually forgets important dates i.e., birthday, anniversary…don’t really care all that much. Because I discussed that ahead of time. The only real important date is my birthday! My card and or gift must be on the dining room table before I start my day. Or it must be handed to me before my birthday, not the evening of shit.
d. making you feel guilty when spending time with friends

3. Consider you are looking for a mate, rank these traits in order of importance, with 1 being most important, and 7 being least important.
_5_ Kindness
_1__ Honesty
_6_ Ambitious
_3__ Confidence
_2__ Reliable
_7__ Assertive
_4__ Sense of Humor

4. Score! You exchanged numbers with a hottie. Now you: (pick one)
a. Wait for a week, see if that person calls you first.
b. Call the next day if not sooner.
c. Call and text incessantly. Let them know they’ve made an impression.
d. You’d never call. What if you get rejected?

5. How did you handle your last relationship break up?
a. You’ve never been in a relationship before. The timing’s never been right.
b. You went out and got drunk every night, until you forgot everything.
c. You went out on a massive amount of date, even with people you knew you had no interest, making sure to date a new face every night.
d. You felt bad and cried, but bounced back in a couple of days….months and months..I think that’s a year. LOL

Bonus: Would you take a holiday all by yourself, at the ‘spur of the moment’? Why or Why not? Where would you go? Probably not. I’m too scared to go too far from home…alone. I could travel to someone’s place by myself…but not just go somewhere, anywhere alone or spur of the moment.

 

Giving Mr. Sam another Chance

Since the last time I wrote about Mr Sam a lot has developed. The following week he did text me and carried on as if nothing had ever happened.
REALLY?!barefoot wine
I was indignant that he felt he could just go away with no reason or excuses for leaving me alone that Friday at the bar. He said that he wanted space, away from everybody and everything after I informed him of the rumor about him.

We met mid-week at the bar for cocktails. We continued to text during the evenings. We discussed our friendship. He made his desires known. I was too afraid to put my cards on the table. He is just so kind, sensitive and it still troubles me that there is something about him I can’t put my finger on. Maybe that’s what holds me to this friendship. Yet there is still a part of his personality that makes me nervous. The statements he makes, texting him during the evening makes me ask if he doesn’t drink more than I suspect. After some lengthy discussions I decided to give him another chance.

Deep inside my being I know that I am trying to find a replacement for Charlie. I know that is an impossibility that I must come to terms with. Recently I was told that Charlie is terminal. I have yet to confirm this.
I showed up at the bar first, sat down & talked to acquaintances. There were a few female acquaintances that get together in the early evening for cocktails and camaraderie. He came in a few hours afterward and sat down next to me. I introduced him to the group of acquaintances, he can hold his own during our conversation. He is witty, pleasant and easy-going. He was later referred to as “a long-haired leaping gnome” because he has that look. One of my acquaintances asked me to go with her into the lady’s room in which she went on to yell at me.
“STOP flirting with Mr. Sam!! He’s really  fascinating, I sort of like him and I’m struggling to get a read on him, but he seems fascinated with YOU!!!”
“I donno what you’re talking about.”
I guess maybe we’re not doing a good job at managing to keep the physical attraction under cover. I observed more people looking at us closely. FUCK! It’s entertaining to flirt and I’m enjoying good old fashion passion & lust that I’ve experienced.
Before the night was over, one of the PHG chicks walked in the bar and milled around us. She finally sat down at the table with us, only paying attention to Mr. Sam & I attempt to appear casual. I don’t believe we performed successfully. She left while we hung around for some of the opportunity to leave together. Unfortunately we didn’t have the freedom to chat because I left before he could. He felt sorry for one of my drunken friends who carried on about her ex-boyfriend. He remained behind to watch her. I gave up. I had way too much to drink that evening. My judgement was cloudy. I’m so glad that on this evening nothing happened.

Read about Mr. Sam from the beginning.

 

 

 

 

Shuffle

Day 2 – 30 Day Writing Challenge

Shuffle your music player and share the first 3 songs. Say something about each song.

1. Sleep – Savatage
The song expressed emotions I felt for my 805muse. It was towards the downward spiral towards the end of our relationship/friendship. The lyrics “popped” out at me.
I had seen Trans-Siberian Orchestra in concert. At the end of the concert they played this song, I fell in love with it at that moment. Below are just a few lyrics to the song.

“Hey there you
Way out there in the distance
Can you hear me
Are you there

I know it’s late
So please forgive my persistence
But I’m hanging
Do you care”

2. From the Bottle to the Bottom – Kris Kristofferson 

Listening to Kris always reminds me of my father. He was the one who taught me about music. He also drank lot when I was younger. He loved country music, mostly the outlaw stuff before it was popular. I liked Kris’s look when I was younger. I found him attractive in a rugged way, the manly way. I even named one of my son’s “Kris” with a “K’ & “F” because of the way Kristofferson spelled his name. I always think this song now reminds me of my alcoholic friend whose wife left him three years ago. This fits his life perfectly right now. Poor thing.

You wonder if I’m better off
With freedom now to do the things I choose
With all my times my own and
I got nothin’ left but sleepin’ time to lose
There’s no one here to carry on
If I stay out the whole night long
or give a tankerous damn if I don’t call
I’m livin’ like I wanted to
And doin’ things I wanna do
And nothin’ means a thing to me at all

And his future feels as empty as the pocket in his pants
Because he’s never seen a single dream come true
That’s the way that I’ve been feelin’ since the day I started falling
From the bottle to the bottom stool by stool
Learnin’ hard to live with losin’ you

3. Pieces of the Night – Gin Blossoms

My best friend (at that time) had turned me onto this band. I fell in love with them the moment I heard their first CD. Their songs were mostly about drunken nights and touring, playing gigs. I could relate to the drunkness, because that’s what I was doing during that time while I listened to them. I will admit that this band can push me to a place of binge drinking, risky & restless behaviors. Moodiness and depression IF I’m not careful. One of my life theme songs is “Hey Jealousy” by them. It’s played in every jukebox in every bar that I have ever had a drink in. The lyrics below take me back to those drunken men sitting on their bar stool looking for that beautiful woman that who rescue them from a night of loneliness.

“Is it any wonder that the stars just don’t rush by
When you’re only doin’ 60 through this oh-so-vacant night
But it’s lacking something big this time
What the hell did you expect to find
Aphrodite on a barstool by your side”

 

The original prompt suggested 10 songs, but I decided to limit it to just three songs. Which will allow for a feel of my taste in music and a little more insight as to who I am.

High but Not High Enough [BFMH2015]

The text came around midnight, but I was fast asleep. I didn’t return communication until 6am. He replied shortly afterwards. He was waiting for the pool hall to open up at 8am.

Text

I arrived at his house around 6:45am. It was freezing inside. I noticed that it’s more like a flop house than a place to live. He must still be staying with CC (Crazy Cunt/Dirty Pussy). I’m pretty sure that he’s lying to everyone about being with her. No one, I mean NO ONE wants her around when he is out. His family & friendships that have rules about her. It’s ONE RULE. She’s not allowed anywhere near any of them. A girlfriend has to be pretty awful for his entire circle to say “keep that crazy cunt away from all of us.”

We got to talking while he striped down to his undies to take a shower. We were talking about the gossip that was swirling around the pool hall about him. I mentioned that I spoke to his friend. He said “I would never tell him shit about you, just that you’re a lousy fuck.” I gasped for air. “WHAT?! Why would you say that to him?Waiting

I’m just playing.” He adds as he continues to get to jump in the shower.

What the fuck?! Don’t joke like that! It’s not like I have a personality that I can win friends. I just have this and giving excellent blowjobs.” My voice cracked. I wasn’t sure I wanted to scream or to cry. Again he says “I’m only joking. I would never say that to anyone! Relax! I’m kidding!!! The quote “many a true word is spoken in jest.”  Knowing our relationship, he really meant what he said. I can conclude that this is one reason we do not have sex anymore, in his mind I’m a lousy fuck!

The evening with him continued on that note. We continually verbally assaulted and insulted each other as if to say “don’t get too close, but I want you close. I want you here with me. But not close that you cramp my style.”

I told him about losing my number 1 fan. I told him how upset I was with my fan. He laughed, looks at me “you’re not mad at him, you’re mad at yourself for letting him get close to you. You are tit for tat. Because you told him a secret, you wanna know one about him. You’re just mad at yourself!” I know that. I believed in my fan, but this is NOT about my #1 fan.

It was time to leave, headed to the pool hall. We didn’t have that same energy connection has earlier times. He had taken his adderall and was focused on the slot machines. I watched him shell out a few hundred dollars on the machines. So much so that the ATM would no longer give him money. He exceeded his limit.

Keeping Him CompanyI was there because he didn’t want to be alone. He could do his thing with someone close by. I remember saying to him that “you have paid for me. Here I sit with you, on your dime so that you won’t be alone.” He didn’t like that at all. He doesn’t like it when I know what’s going on. Sometimes though I do get lost in his madness. A borderline chick with some ASPD symptoms and a ASPD guy with Borderline symptoms can make a good couple, but at times it’s a ticking time bomb. We feed off of each other, we enjoy the mind games with the people out at the bar. However, he gets jealous of me. If someone talks to me, he hovers or flat-out tells them “you’re asking her too many questions.” But now I have separated myself from him. The games don’t work as well, instead it seems we play against each other. We say things to each other to hurt each other, not deep hurt just surface scratches. We were getting out of the car, he said something about us having sex. I remember hearing “We might have sex again someday, never say never.” I answered with “No baby, those days are over.” When I was thinking I would so enjoy having him again. But I didn’t want him to know that. I have to keep my emotions in check. I get confused with him, he’s the only one who can make me spin out of control within hours.

We met up with his friends, a couple that I had met before. I didn’t like them. She is one of those woman who hangs on her man. She is always touching him, rubbing his back or standing next to him. Her body language tells everyone in the room, “I’m sure insecure and this is my man, everyone stay away.” She didn’t talk to me much. I ended up sitting away from them just watching them chat together. He would look back at me to make sure I was ok. I said to him at one point “I can leave now, because they got you.” He sternly objects with “NO. That’s NOT how it works and you know it. We came together, we leave together.”

My emotions were slowly sinking into the that pit of despair. I wanted to leave, I wanted to cry. It wasn’t really about him, but more how I was feeling. The booze probably didn’t help any. There was a moment when he & I had some words, we were picking at each other again. There was a 4th guy there. When he looked at me and said something smart to me. I jumped up and lunged at him. Like I said we had picked at each other all day. This guy, named Eric says to the couple “Did you feel their sexual tension or am I the only one who felt it?” I gasped air. He looked at me and I leaned back. The female says “I think it was just you Eric!” That statement haunts me to this day (and it’s Wednesday!) In the car I talked to him about it. “Why you let those fuckers get to you? Why do you care what they think about us? He’s retarded, don’t know nothing.” But that guy had just met us, a complete stranger to us. I believe that outsiders pick up on subtle or loud cues.

As I type this I am searching for answers. I humored the idea of calling the counselor that I had started to see. I would like to ask her for her insight into this madness. I just want the answer about why do he & I behave the way we do when we are together. So that I can move forward from it. Otherwise I’m stuck here trying to figure out this relationship. I am reading different articles about couples, however we are not a couple, but merely two people who no longer have a sexual relationship. I spoke with our mutual friend. She is an his old childhood friend. She said told me the first time we met that he had a closeness to me like no other person in his life. Today she told me this “That’s his fear when it comes to you. He takes how you see & feel about him to heart. He feels this closeness to you he don’t have with anybody else.

Sure, I love the sound of that. But I wanna see the real & raw him. Then again I’m afraid I could destroy that part of him if he ever was to piss me off. That would not take much, knowing him. I think I let him down. I was not that person he needed me to be for him, thus he was not the person I needed him to be. We both pushed each other. Until he ended up leaving with his friends. He asks me “are you staying here or going home?!” I asked “What the fuck do you care?!” He got mad “Why you gotta be like that?! I wanna know, so I don’t worry.” I acted like the brat that I am. When I should have been the bigger person. We both played a game with each other on Sunday and we both lost.

Wish You Were HereThere was a moment we shared at the pool hall. He loves to play the jukebox. Sometimes its the same song over & over again. He played “Only God knows Why” He touched my forearm to get my attention. He looked deep into my eyes when he started to sing the song….

I’ve been sittin here
Tryin to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself
Lookin for the payback
Listen for the playback….I watch my youngest son
And it helps to pass the time
I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills, but still I feel the same
Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck with me
It’s hard to hang out in crowds
I guess that’s the price you pay
To be some big shot like I am
stretched hands and one night stands
Still I can’t find love….People don’t know about the things I say and do
They don’t understand about the shit that I’ve been through….

He never broke eye contact when he mouthed this song to me. I felt his soul bleed, I felt his sorrow. I didn’t take stock in to the part about “always being there.” I can only imagine what others were thinking when he & I were having that single moment. There was no one else in the world. I purposely looked him in the eyes. I wanted to look at his soul. A person can see the soul when the emotional doorway opens up. I wanted to feel whatever he was sharing, because he was giving it just to me and me alone.

What has my life become?He put on a badass front for me, but I have already detached from him. He tried, really tried to connect with me, but by night’s end my emotions had hit their limit. I wanted to go home. Home. Where my safe place is. Where my woobie is. Where I can lick my wounds. The guilt set in when I got home. I cried. Something I seldom do. I cried out of guilt, shame. I thought if the tables were turned, I couldn’t be strong. I would be angry. I felt shameful that he was picking pieces of me up off the floor. I thought and still think that I would & will parish without him. I didn’t think about what I needed to do to keep him, so that he would never leave me. I don’t have a fear of him ever leaving me, not willingly.

I explained to him about how I looked for that emotional high from him, but I was unable to reach it. Feeling worse after leaving. I know it will be a while before there is any texts or calls. I did make an observation, that IF he is attempting to be what he thinks I want him to be, then I need to change the instructions again. If my sociopath is like that, then I need to regroup myself thoughts and figure out actually what I want from him so that he can morph into that for me. It will be a win-win situation for us both. I hope. The madness is talking again.

Another Saturday with Him Pt 2 [BFMH2014]

Start from the Beginning….

WARNING: This post may contain “triggers” for some readers. Regarding states of Mental Health. Symptoms of BPD & ASPD. Substance Abuse. Sexual Content. Read at Your Own RiskOnly 75 cents

We went to the little dive bar on the far side of town. The side of town most people of that town would venture to go after dark. I am always up for some excitement. Truthfully I don’t remember the route I took to get there because I was catching a good buzz. I think by this time I had downed about 6 drinks in a 2 hour time span.

Ever notice all the cars here in the parking lot? But when ya walk inside there isn’t that many people sitting at the bar. Who do most of these cars belong to?” He asked. He opens the door for me, I walk inside and immediately scan the room. Looking for anyone that catches my attention. I always scan the room, to look for potential threats, one-night stands or any familiars. I saw none. He walked over to the side that we had sat the last time. There were two women sitting a few chairs down. They were average looking. One brunette of average size. The other blonde of a bigger frame, sloppily dressed. He watches them, he made no attempt to hide it. I respect that in a man. Look if you’re gonna look. I said “No, I don’t think so.” He laughed “No not the blonde but if I was desperate I would hit up on the brunette.” I smiled “I would accept that one, but not the other one.” He looked me in the eye, lifted his bottle to take a sip. A song came on the jukebox, which we both started singing too. Do I remember what is was? Nope. But I do remember the feeling I had when I was with him, looking into his eyes and singing. Sure, I was buzzed, he provided a way for my energy to be extinguished. I could live a life that was dangerous, but I knew deep down that I have a safety net. His safety net had already been burnt along with most of his bridges. As we looked around, he pointed out the sign. Hamm’s Beer Draft only 75 cents. Beer for cheap! I hate beer. UGH. BUT for an alcoholic like him, he’ll drink it. Me?! I tried it. Gross. We reminisced about when we were kids, drinking illegally. Drinking anything cheap for the fast buzz. The best part about being here at that time was it karaoke night. One quality I admire about him is that he will do things without asking without warning and that’s what is so exciting about him. We had watched a few other patrons attempt to sing. OMG! How embarrassing to actually get up there to sing “The Battle of New Orleans.” But the man who sang it was enjoying himself. Next thing I know I was up there with him. “I picked out a song for us to sing. I bet you didn’t know I could sing, huh?”  “AH. NO!”  The DJ called his name up to the singing area. I had no plans of singing – until I heard the song. I heard “Tequila” by The Champs start to play.  There is only ONE word! LOL. I stopped in my tracks when I heard the DJ say what an adorable pair “Chestnut and his wife make dancing together.” Did she just refer me to his wife?! Holy Fuck!!! I know I was drunk by this time. I remember laughing a lot, but parts of missing.  The number of drinks is over 10 by this time of the evening. I hadn’t eaten nor did I remember to drink any water this time.  Shortly after our singing debut we left in search of something new.

From the Land of Sky Blue Water

From the Land of Sky Blue Water

Off to the pool hall we went. On the drive there is when he blew out the rear bass speaker in my car. He turned the volume wayyyyy up, like he had done countless times in his house when I was there trying to pass out. I am not happy knowing that my speaker in my good car is blown and no longer works properly. Grrrrrr. When we arrived at the pool hall, I was having trouble keeping up with his walking stride. He looks back “You alright? Still with me?” “Yeah. I’m here.” Before we entered the pool hall I spotted a dude that he doesn’t like. Funny there are a lot of men that he doesn’t get along with or have had been in fights with. I pointed out “Hey there’s Ed. He just got into that car with some really young chick! And the windows are all steamed up!!” He turns around hunches over and pounds on the trunk of the car. I was half way to the door of the pool hall, he comes sprinting up next to me, laughing. “We’re awful people.” I tell him.

No babe, we’re a team. Good or bad. We really are the same person.” We walked inside the pool hall. There was only one person inside playing the slot machine. The bartender was the one who I think is very mean. She shouldn’t be a bartender. I understand that she gets tired of all the bullshit from drunk people however, that’s the job. She has a mean impatient personality. We ordered our drinks. “It’s dead in here!” I whisper to him. “That’s because she’s working here, no one likes her. They won’t stay if she’s working. She’s not fun. Finish your drink and let’s go.” He demanded. I guzzled my drink and we were out the door. We walked to the bar next door. It was super quiet there too. “What the fuck?! What’s going on in town that no one is out on a Saturday night?!” He laughs. A few working men come over to him & acknowledge his presence. I can understand why some women want to be on his arm. He is that guy who gets respect, but is also a bit crazy. The guy that you never know what to expect. It’s always an exciting ride to be by his side. I wish it could be more than what it is, but that’s impossible for both of us. We both know that too much time together will end in destruction. One of guys that came over had been one to add suspicion to our relationship by asking questions to another bartender. I made the mistake of telling him that. “Watch this…Hey Bob…What is this I hear that you are asking questions about us?”  Bob starts to stutter, “Oh no man…Nothing like that. It just seemed, ya know. That you guys are like more than tight friends, after I met her husband. She seemed to be indifferent to him. And you were right there with her.” My friend drinks his beer, has his back turned away from Bob. As if to say “fuck off and you’re full of shit, quit ass kissing me.” Bob looks at me and apologizes to me. However, I realize I fucked that up. I was told that in confidence and I broke it. Shit. Damn my big mouth. Time to go. He had played the slot machine a few times. I played the jukebox and it was really dead and it was only 10pm.

Only 75 cent Draft Hamm's Beer

Only 75 cent Draft Hamm’s Beer

We ended up back where we started. Back in the ‘hood, back with family. There I realized I was kind of fucked up. He walked in first, I followed and immediately scanned to our spot there sat his ex girlfriend was there with her friends. Strange, but not too long ago his ex & I were partying together when he stopped talking to me for a few months. He walked up to her & hugged her. He turned around after that and let me greet her as he walked to the other side of the bar to some seats. I hugged her and gave some brief insecure greeting. I don’t know why our friendship apart. I blame myself for something I did. I always say something or do something that is unacceptable. She had two other friends with her at the bar. “Thank you for not leaving me.” somberly I mumbled to him. “Awww look babe’s jealous that she’s out with her other friends and not you.” I reacted in a punch to his shoulder without thinking. He laughed loudly at me. “Do you feel better now? Punch me all you want to, because you’re not hurting me. Awwww Kitty Cat’s upset.” He started poking at me again. I punched him more. I remember I wouldn’t look in her direction nor in Pop’s direction. I hung on his shoulder in shame. “Babe, I ain’t leaving you. We came together and we are leaving together. PERIOD.

I know, but sometimes I know you crave attention just like I do. But I’m not sure I can handle it if you went with her. Or even went home with her!

Rum & PBRHey! I told you what happened the last time we were together. I didn’t have to, but I did. I have NO desire to have her in my bed.” As we finished up that part of our conversation she comes walking up to us. Standing in the middle of us she just asking questions. “So what are you guys out doing?” He doesn’t turn in her direction but remains facing forward, crosses his arms and says nothing. I pipe up “Where’s your man at tonight?” She turns to me “he’s in Wisconsin for the weekend. The kids are at my sister’s and I have an empty house.” She looks at him and tries to whisper in his direction “wanna stop by later?” He acts put out, as if to say “go away.” He only says to her “No, no I don’t. I’m out with Cat tonight.” I breathed a huge sigh of relief. My fear of abandonment was super high until that moment. She laughed off his rejection and looked at me “What’s going with you? What are you doing with him? Where’s your man? How are things with you two? I thought you stopped going out because of your marriage. Now I see you out here.” I don’t know why but I pointed at Chestnut and said “it’s all his fault if I end up getting a divorce.” She says “OMG! why didn’t you call me? I’m your friend. I will be there to help you, even if it’s just to listen.” I felt fake. I am the type of person that will never call someone with my problems. I never call. If I do call it’s because I know that person will not reject me or leave me hanging with my raw skin of emotions exposed. I don’t remember what else was said, because I had any where from 14 -16 drinks within an 11 hour time frame. If the math is correct my BAC was over .20 and the legal limit is .08.

I was getting hungry, but it was already late in the evening. I was feeling the effects of the alcohol dehydrating my body. Too Late. A part of me knew this was gonna hurt in the morning, but I had already decided when the evening started I didn’t want to take care of him. I wanted to be the drunk one, to see if he would, could care about me. Talk about fucked up thinking. He didn’t fail me. He fixes me some food. HA! Pops doesn’t have anything. But another ex girlfriend who is now the bartender at Pop’s place had placed a basket of freshly popped popcorn in front of me. She did it with a smile on her face. As if to silently say “sober up.” He put some lime & salt on it. He also got a bag of pork rinds for me. After a serious conversation we had after she left us alone, we decided to leave and call it a night. “Gimme the keys!” He demands “WHY!?” I ask. “Cause you’re not sober enough to drive honey. I already fucked my world up, I would feel like shit if something happened to you. Remember I do love you, maybe not the way I should, but I still have some feelings left in me.” Dinner

I refused to hand over my keys. We both notice 4 squad cars just past the intersection. “Turn! Don’t go straight. Don’t take the gamble.” So I turn. I was on auto-pilot. I pulled into his driveway. “Come on babe, come inside and call the old man and tell him that you are sleeping here tonight. There is the sofa and besides I now have a roommate. Nothing will happen I promise. Come on! Shut the car off.” WHO the FUCK is he to tell me what to do! I can handle myself. I smiled at him. We shared a moment of silence as we looked at each other in the eye. He leaned into to kiss me. “I knew you wouldn’t stay. Text me when ya get home. PLEASE!” My phone had died hours ago. I did get a text from his ex suggesting that I go to her house to sleep it off because she was worried about me. I never answered her.

He leaned in to kiss me goodnight. We kissed a few times. He got out of the car. I watched him walk up the steps and turn around to wave bye. I felt that would be the last time I would see him for a while.

The next morning my phone buzzed with texts that I had missed while sleeping off my bender.

Him: “Thanks for the good times!Thanks for the good times!!!

Me:  Back at ya. Just finished tossing my cookies. UGH!

Him: LOL More good times!

Me: Righttttt!

Him: Yup! eating sum soup wishing it was menudo right now. Yup. Eating some soup wishing it was menudo right now!

Me: That’s funny cause I’m eating soup too. Throat is raw from tossing. just kill me!

Him: LIGHTWEIGHT!!! lol was gonna ask if you wanted to go for some bloody mary’s with Julie.LMFAO. J/K

Me: I ain’t a lightweight I mixed all those drinks. Rum, Vodka, Beer! I don’t drink beer. Besides your X will be down there to whine about you AGAIN!

Him: haha. I know! ur an animal! prolly the Hamm’s LMAO. Yeah the X has been blowing up my roommate’s phone.

Me: That is so disrespectful to your roommate!

Him: yeah but look who it is tho!

Me: look at who keeps sticking his dick in it!!!

Him: NOPE! Not anymore. WATCH!

Me: Whatever. You’re a punk

Him: NOPE…told you I’M DONE! I mean it you’ll see

Me: ok

Him: well get better and we will haft do it again real soon!

Me: Yup. Thanks for the good times!

Him: There will be many more!!!

Me: Woohoo!!!”

Getting My Treat on Halloween Night [MM10]

I went out dressed as a “go-go dancer” with my too cool white boots and short dress. I stopped at my new favorite bar. I won the contest..a bottle of Bailey’s Mint Chocolate Liqueur. Cool, huh?!

Then I went to another bar, where I met some of my girl friends. A group of drunk chicks all dressed up in their cute costumes. I wish I could share photos with all of you, I know you understand.

I drive a friend back to get her car. I drunk dial my friend “Mark.” We talked about silly stuff, mostly because I was drunk, ending with talking about sex. I decided to drive to get something to eat and then onto my next stop. “The Bar” that “they” hang out at. A friend that I was meeting there said earlier in the evening “they won’t be there cause they don’t go out on Saturday nights.” Which is normally the case, but not this night, as I was pulling into the parking lot I see his truck pulling out of the stall. My heart stopped, why?! Who knows why, it just did.

I walked inside. My friend hadn’t arrived yet. The bar is gonna close pretty soon. The owner walks over to me and says “they just left…”

“I saw that..”

“I hired a new bartender and between you & me I think his wife likes women, cause she was all over her.”

“Wow, if HE says its ok, then maybe it is…”

“What?! You think they have threesomes?”

“I don’t know about all that. I just know if he is cool with his wife liking chicks then there’s no problem, right?”

“You’re hot, baby, let’s go in the back room.”

“Whats in the back room?”

“I’ll show you”

“No, that’s ok…I’m good here”

He started to walk awhile after kissing me on the cheek. I sat there waiting for my friend. My friend never showed up. I decided to head home. I was almost home when I decided to text him.

“I heard I just missed ya :)”

“U heard? Miss U!”

“Yea Dave told me.”

“Dave told u what?”

“Stuff lol something about a backroom”

‘like what? Huh?! the back room?”

“I no go. I was too afraid”

“What lol…?”

“I didn’t go in the back room. Was too afraid”

“Dave asked u to go in the back room?”

“Yea why is that bad?”

“ok….soooooo whats the whole story lol?”

“Man I’m buzzed. What story? Don’t u have to go to bed or something? hehe”

“lol NO ..laying in bed getting my cock stroked…story of u and Dave….wanna help?”

“lol there is NO story. he invited I declined. END of story and how the new bar wench was a big hit with both of you..wanna help what?”

“stroke my cock”

“when?”

“lol..now”

“where?”

“my place…the Mrs wants u to lick her pussy.”

(I was already at home, eating my take out. I was putting on my coat and sneaking back out the front door and praying that no one didn’t hear me come home or leave.)

“ok”

“u down?”

“on my way”

“ok text me when ur outside ..i’ll open the door”

20 minutes later I text him again.

“outside”

He opens the door wearing shorts, shhhh he whispers pointing down the stairs to their bedroom. The Mrs was laying in bed naked. I immediately started to undress. No longer feeling uncomfortable about my body. They both noticed my boots, part of my costume of course. I climbed into their king size bed in the middle of them. He got up to go to the bathroom. I quickly began to pay attention to her. I wanted her to feel wanted & desired. I really wanted to play with her. I don’t think of myself as bi-sexual. She’s really soft and her tits are amazing. I do know that “going down” on a woman is not something I wanna do all the time, every time. I caught myself gagging once,  due to combo of a blurb of booze & her, but…ewwwww.

I was aggressive with her this time, unlike before when I let her do all the work. I went down on her more than once. We change positions, she goes into their walk-in closet, pulling something out. OMG. Their toy chest was packed with more new things. I tried their new bouncing ball toy with a cock attachment. It was a bit funny, but it felt great. I know this time we played for a long time. I got there somewhere around 2:30 and I left at 4:00am. I was exhausted when I got home. My legs hurt. My knees feel a bit raw, not as much as my elbows. My elbows slid back & forth across the sheets. My nipples hurt from him biting them. I have never had someone bite my nipples before.  We had briefly discussed a guideline of rules. However I think he gets off and pushing my limits. My ass is sore from the spankings. He spanked hard. He didn’t spank his wife, just me. I kind of felt like I was there just for him to get rough with. He would rub my ass cheeks after each smack. I am not complaining, it’s a good kind of pain.

My favorite memory of the evening was when she was laying on the bed with her legs spread wide. My face is buried in her muff, licking her clit all the while he is pounding my pussy and telling me to make his wife cum. Her & I would take turns riding him, sucking him. In the beginning he just watched the two of us. I remember him laying down and watching us. I was kneeling and his wife sucking my tits. I looked him in the eye. I gave him that look. His cock was hard, he started stroking it faster. I leaned over and start sucking him. I was hot, sweaty and thirsty.

He stopped, walking in to the bathroom he came back with something. He tells me to inhale as he holds a little spoon under my nose. I trusted them, I wasn’t afraid. The feeling started to overcome me and it felt great. The sex was amazing. He enjoyed being able to flip me in any position he wanted. His big obsession was to get me to squirt. I did, but not sure if I did for if it was something else. How embarrassing! I was drunk, high and not in control of myself. It all felt great last night but the drive home was upsetting. I kept trying to think of lies to tell if any one was awake when I got home. How pathetic. I hope I didn’t make a mess on their mattress. They knew I was drunk, can that be my excuse?

I don’t know where this play time with this couple is going. I know he loves fucking me. The kissing makes me uncomfortable. I always viewed kissing as so emotional. Kissing to me is like intertwining each other’s being. Connecting with each other on a level that is just too emotional. He wants to do it all the time. I am kind of afraid to where this may lead. Where we are dependent on each other for that “fix” that we can’t get anywhere else. I don’t want to become addicted to him and the feeling he gives me. Once I’m addicted to him I won’t be satisfied with anything less.

One of my favorite Halloween memories, during the time I was the third player with a married couple.

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