Letting My Darkness Win

Today is just one of those days. I feel nothing. Should I feel something? I look in the mirror & see a monster, a freak…something that should never see the sunlight. So for now I’ll hate myself & play in my darkness.

I’ve slacked off on my blogging. I’ve slacked off on all my chores. I come up with all sorts of excuses as to why shit is not done.

My weight has spiraled out of control. “STOP bitching!”

I tell myself…”get up off your fat lazy ass and do something about it!”

Yeah in my head I can see myself doing the exercises, I see that beautiful body I want. Self defeat overcomes me before I even start.

Where the fuck am I going with this? Completely lost direction-again!

I finished my classes. Have another job. Where?!?! Working at a Halloween store. It’s actual work! Omfg! All that standing, walking. My back can’t take this shit. I’m sure there are other people out there that feel & suffer a lot more than I do. I have no right to complain. Do I? Not sure, what or how to feel.

My darkness is like those comfortable old pair of jeans.

T’was the Night Before Christmas Eve [BFMH2015]

My friend wanted to get a drink and chat after the stressful weekend she had. I mentioned anywhere but there, she picked there. His Blog for Mental Health 2015hangout, the place He & I would hangout together. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks. Since I yelled and told him to fuck off. He wasn’t there when I walked through the door. I was immediately told “he was just here, but he left with a blonde haired chick.” As if that would make me jealous in same way. Most of his friends do know me, say hi to me but that’s pretty much it.

I was pretty busy talking to my girlfriend and two men that had started buying us drinks. I had met one of the men when I was out with him the last time at the family bar. I didn’t see him come into the bar, but I noticed him standing in his spot out of the corner of my eye. Quickly turning my head so that he wouldn’t notice me. My girlfriend gave him away when he was standing behind me, she looked at him with a twinkle in her eye waiting for him to make a move.

I had my body turned facing her, he came up behind me stretching his right arm over my left shoulder to shake our mutual friends hand. When I turned towards his arm he leans in for a kiss on my lips. I was horrified. “Hi Alex, good to see you. Hey babe. I just came over to say hi. Happy Holidays.” He walks back to his side of the bar. I was overcome with emotions. UGH. Why does he have such power over me? Why do I even give him this power?

My girlfriend asks me “why do you let him stress you out so much?

FUCK! I wish I knew so I could stop it.”

It’s in these moments that I think about going back to the counselor I was seeing and trying to sort through the steps of my involvement with this particular alcoholic. We went on with our evening, him on his side and me on mine. I did catch him watching me once. He was looking at me from across the bar, making faces at me, smiling and doing that look with his arms opened wide and tilted head. I told my girlfriend I’ll be right back. I ran over to him and he started to pretend to hide behind one of his people. I gave him a side punch to the ribs.

You punch like a bitch!”

Laughing at me. He grabs me, hugging me, twirling me off the floor and kissing me.

I don’t hit like a bitch. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than you already are. And why haven’t you texted me? You text all them other putas and share your business but not me. WTF is with that?!”

“You told me not to text you until I was sober or in treatment. Besides you don’t have a phone.”

NOOOO Asshole. That’s not what I said, that’s what you wanted to hear! I said text me when you’re ready for a drink or if you’re sober which ever came first.”

“Why you acting like all those other tramps in my life? You ain’t one of the tramps so stop acting like one. Besides you knew I was here and you chose not to come through. That’s on you, not me. I love you babe, you know that. But I don’t want another tramp in my life. You know where I am.”

As we stood there staring at each other, trying to keep all our tension under wraps. An older gentleman interrupted “Hi, I’m Ray.” Charlie quickly jumped at him. “Why you trying to move in to this conversation? Can’t you see she’s talking to me?”

Ray replies “I thought she was talking to me when she was making all those hand gestures. I wanted to know why she was flipping me off.” I laughed. We had made gestures before I ran over there to punch him.

You bess get back to your gurl.”

I looked at him again,  walked away from him. Sat there with my girlfriend, listened to her conversation with the two gentlemen. I was so ready to leave around 9:30pm. She wanted to stay for one more. I kept telling the bar owner “I’m done. No more for me.” Instead of giving me a full glass he was giving me half glasses. I drank 3 of those while she was nursing her one long neck bottle of beer. She said I’m going to say goodbye to so-so and then we can leave. I said “I’ll wait for you in the parking lot.” I didn’t say goodbye to him. Which normally I would do, but since I didn’t go with him I felt no responsibility to him.

When I arrived home I screamed at my beloved. Not towards him, but it was because I was so hyped on what had happened I needed to get it out of my head. I was upset because I turned into someone I used to be. A person I don’t like being. I always told Charlie that if I could understand his behaviors then I could understand mine. We are only different by private parts. We are two peas in a pod, we know each others weaknesses and strengths. Not a healthy relationship but a toxic one, addicting, dysfunctional relationship. I asked my beloved to help me better understand what is going on in my head. He explained “you’re shadow boxing with yourself. You’re angry because he continues to lie to you, treating you like you’re stupid. And you hate that more than anything. You know he acts like a jealous ex boyfriend you’re just ready to admit it yet. You are just not ready to see what you need to see.”

UGH I hate when he is right, but what’s more important is that he keeps me balanced. If anything ever happened to him I’m checking out of this reality. I don’t believe there is any one that will come close to the sanity he brings me. 

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”

Jealous Triangle [WW106]

Driving to their house, I had my bottle of rum & pineapple in a “water bottle.” I wanted to get my buzz on before I got there, since I knew they all were buzzed. The Mrs was sitting on the stoop with her son to greet me. We walked into the house, headed for the deck, where the Mr’s little sister was sitting. The Mrs & her sister-in-law were very buzzed. I know that the Mr had eaten dinner with his sister early on, while the Mrs had gone to pick up her son from work.
The small talk started between the SIL & I, but the Mrs was busy telling family secrets. A lot of the Mr’s secrets. There were rumors that the Mr had seen other women without the Mrs permission. The menfolk were downstairs in the new bar, drinking, listening to tunes. We stayed upstairs for a while, until the neighbors turned on their outside light which was enough to let everyone know we were too loud outside. We moved the party downstairs.
The Mr was standing behind the bar, not even recognizing or acknowledging me at first. He was busy talking to his friends. I sat down at the bar, the Mrs sitting next to me, the SIL sitting on the other side of me. The Mr finally looked over at me, “hey, baby girl, when did you get here? How ya feeling tonight?”
I just smiled at him and shaking my head.
I had noticed all the alcohol there was, bottles of JD, beer, tequila. It was like something out of a movie or reenactment from a 48 hr Mystery show. The sister started asking questions about my knowledge of a certain event that occurred in the old neighborhood. The Mr started to get upset about what we were talking about, continuing to swear about life & his family. The “certain event” was involving the both of us, however we were denying it all.  I started in on him about our childhood in the neighborhood. How I am always treated as an outsider, we were yelling at each other. [If we had been left unchecked we would have ended up having sex on the bar. This was one of our easiest forms of foreplay, leading up to hardcore, intense, fucking]. The Mrs ended the conversation for everyone, “Just fuck off with all that bullshit, fuck you both for treating me like shit.” He & I both knew what she was talking about.
Putting both on hands on the bar, looking down towards the floor, the Mr said nothing.
Walking over to the disc changer he started to play a new song “I’m Still in Love with You” by Al Green, standing at the player, he puts his head down, the Mrs had left to go to the bathroom. The sister and her man were sitting at the bar, talking to each other. The atmosphere was heavy & silent. I had walked to the inside of the bar. I was being nosy since he wasn’t back there, looking at all of his old DJ equipment, vinyl collection, CD’s.
He came around to the bar where I was standing, his sister sitting directly in front of me with her man. He starts to grind on me, rubbing his cock on my ass. Leaning into me, putting his head on my shoulder, he starts to sing in my ear. Let me know that love is really real…And it seems to me….that I’m wrapped up in your love…
He continues with the song, all the while, rocking with me to the rhythm of the music. The Mrs came back into the bar, she quickly left. I moved from that place. I felt guilty, ashamed, uncomfortable. Mostly I could feel her jealousy & insecurity. I was familiar with these emotions, this isn’t the first time she has been jealous of me. The Mr had previously filled her head with crap that wasn’t true. We had finally talked it out, things were good. Until The Mr started seeing other women, behind our backs. I was jealous of those women just like the Mrs was jealous of me.
Walking over to the CD player, I could feel the buzz coming fast & hard. I don’t remember what all was said or done. They have given me a shot of Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey. Everything was happening so fast.  I was drinking pretty heavy stuff that night.

I walked to the bathroom where I found the Mrs. I knew some other deep secrets. I tried to appeal to her ego, coming up behind her at the sink. Moving her hair to one side, kissing her neck, just then the Mr had walked in. He quickly closed the door, bumping his face into the wall at the same time. She laughed, “we would be in serious trouble together.” She turns around and I kiss her, cupping her breast in my hand, wanting so much more. My other hand is now in between her legs. I pull away from her thinking that she would show me that she wanted more, but she fixed her shirt and walked into the bar.

mage courtesy of Marin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Marin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The SIL & her man had been talking to themselves, suddenly got up to leave. The Mrs went with them upstairs to say “goodbye.” The Mr grabbed me by the hand, pulling me close to him, grooving to the sounds of the music playing in the background. He kisses me. We had a moment where we all completely into each other. Out of the corner of my eye I see the Mrs standing there in the door way, “opps” I think to myself. He leaves me standing there. They walked off into another room. I sat down on a bar stool, thinking “how awkward this is and how do I get out of this now?” I felt ashamed, guilty again. I felt bad for her, because again I could feel her feelings of jealousy, resentment, anger, and all those other negative feelings she had towards me. Yet, we had agreed to “share” him. I was their third in a triangle. Maybe I’m not understanding this whole “alternative lifestyle.”
I grabbed my cup when they walked back into the bar room, “well, I guess its time to call it a night for me.” “Where you going, babe?” he asks. “Home” I reply. “Why?” he asks. “Because she has one.” adds the Mrs. I could tell the Mrs was not pleased with either of us. Was it jealousy? Or was there something else beneath the surface? I walked up the stairs following the Mrs. She quickly walks to the door, opens it for me. “Have a good night and drive safe.” she says, as I’m walking out the door.
The next time the Mr texts me for sex, I will respond with “I think its time we take a break from each other.” I want to see and hear his reaction, if its something like “Ok, fine with me” then I know to walk away. If he responds with something else, then I know that there is some form of attachment. I know, twisted. I think I am more afraid of this whole thing, afraid that the Mrs is gonna go on some rampage on my reputation or that she will get so upset that she will “out” me.
There was so much going now during that night, with the music, talking over each other. I went home feeling pretty low. I didn’t want to hurt the Mrs. That was never my intention. I just wanted some experience, playtime and just having some fun. Perhaps the Mrs was jealous that she wasn’t the center of attention. I’m not into chicks like I’m into guys. However, she has the best tits. I loved playing with them. Opps. She confided in me a lot. The Mr did too, maybe that’s why she was jealous. I knew that it was only a matter of time that this would blew up in my face. I knew that she was a very jealous type. I used to be that way, but not like I was back then. In my 20’s I would cut a bitch if she played with someone that belonged to me, then my lover was next to get it. I learned that no one is worth that energy or trouble. I’m no longer a jealous person. I try not to form attachments too many people to prevent that behavior.  I’m sure I could regress into that ugly person. It stems from fear of rejection & abandonment plus insecurity.
Did I learn anything? Yes. Yes I did.
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Remission, Recovery or Cured

medium_330043763I have read a few blogs about BPD and a few people state that they no longer meet the criteria for being diagnosed with the disorder. I wonder, if a person is diagnosed with a mental illness, such a depression or BPD, PTSD, doesn’t that mean that person always has the illness? When there are no symptoms present isn’t that remission? If the person is showing some but not all the symptoms of the illness and working in a program to rid themselves of all the symptoms isn’t that recovery?

At what point to they completely stop their therapy? Wouldn’t they need to continue some sort of follow-up every six months or a year. Maybe have someone who can aid them when they feel close to relapsing. I just keep relating it to cancer or addiction. I remember hearing that some people stop taking their medication because they start to feel better and think they no longer need the medication. Then their life spirals out of control.

The BPD person needs to be aware of their possible triggers, so that they would not jeopardize their mental stability. There must be a lot of therapy sessions involved in order for a person to be aware of their triggers. I look back to when I went to get tested for ADHD and the psychiatrist said he thought I had some of the symptoms, but then when I went into weekly counseling sessions. The counselor kept asking me what was it about my spouse that made him different from all my other relationships. Because ppl like me, with BPD symptoms find it difficult to keep up long-lasting relationships. I just celebrated my 16th year being married to My Beloved. What makes him different from the other men?

I ask myself that a lot. Compared to the men before him, he is completing the opposite of what I was accustom to dating. He is older, wiser, more settled. Calm. Methodical. I think he is co-dependent. Just my opinion, a part of him allows me to do whatever I want. I’m spoiled. He allows certain behaviors, which the other men would have had major problems with. I don’t wanna say it’s that he lets me get away with whatever I want, but it’s how I feel. Sometimes it’s upsetting because he doesn’t put his foot down. I guess I want him to save me from myself (sometimes).

Then there is my job. I stayed at one government job for over 15 years. What was different about that job? LOL the money! No seriously, the counselor wanted me to really think about it. How was I able to keep this job for so long. Now my current job is going on 4 years now.  I read that some BPD people have difficulty maintaining employment.

I have never self harmed. I do take part in risky & reckless & impulsive behavior. Unstable self-image from time to time.

I understand there are some things that trigger me to wanna act out. Different times of the year, make me unstable-emotionally. Mostly, due to the Seasonal Affective Disorder. The only symptoms I have with SAD is social withdrawal (irl) weight gain and craving foods high carbohydrates. I know when it hits me and when it stops. So, do I take medication? Nah. I make sure that I get enough sleep, lots of exercise. Not to lose weight but to maintain and to get the good chemicals in the brain to get kick started. 

Maybe its the wording, I don’t suffer from BPD now, I’m in remission. I just wanna know what the process is that a person gets to the point with they can say “I no longer meet the criteria for BPD.”

photo credit: 5 O’ Clock Lab via photopin cc

Saying Good-Bye

I don’t know how I’m gonna tell you,

I can’t play with you no more. – “That’s the Way” Led Zeppelin

 

 

I talked with 43 today after our shift was finished. I needed to get a few things off my chest. He has always been by my side even after I verbally tore him to shreds.

I asked for his objective opinion about my opportunity for a different job. Let me fast forward to one of the last statements he made to me. “I know you’re leaving. I can hear it in your voice and see it in your face.”

I looked down at the gravel parking lot. “I’m gonna miss you.” He said with a mournful voice.

“just let me know if you do decide to go – ok?

you’ll be the first to know…i promise.

that would be nice-thank you..you won’t make up your mind until after the next interview? or is this a done deal?

No not a done deal. yet. i’ll decide after the next interview

YOU WILL BE MISSED

haha right

tue true true…just ask me and I’ll tell ya.

lol you & G won’t get any heart palpitations in the mornings with me not there anymore. We guys won’t have any one to watch & talk about the way their dressed.

Don’t forget I have pictures!”

READ MORE ABOUT 43

We went on to discuss our past mistakes. We went back to the part where we both went wrong in our friendship. Talked about our disappointments & expectations. However, I still think he isn’t as charming as he thinks he is. He said a few things that were just kind of dumb. I had to laugh. All I could think of is that he needed to kiss my ass, because he wanted to get in my pants. I didn’t want any thing more than friendship from him. He wanted me to be a part of his life, not the other way around. I explained that to him, “me being just in your presence should give you pleasure enough. Because I am – me.”

He said that I was arrogant. I replied with “and your point is?” I’m laughing while I’m talking to him.

There was something sad about our departure. The lose of a friendship. I know he wanted more, but he never give me anything. Yet he says “I hadn’t even turned on my charm.” I laughed loudly. I always need more, stimulate the mind first. I’m taken back to the first one who seduced intellectually. He is still a part of my memories, part of my heart. But #43 is just someone that I could made laugh, to help him ease the pain of his now boring, unexciting life. Me wanted to keep me as his “Manic Pixie Dream Girl” but I couldn’t stay. There was nothing in it for me, no rush of emotional high. Perhaps that’s why I looked for new job. Quickly found one, fearful of leaving, afraid of the unknown. Sad to leave him behind. He did mention “You will find someone to replace me, I’m sure.” I’m sure too. Then again, maybe not. Because this recent experience actually bought my behavior into my reality. Too close for comfort.

This weekend I have felt a bit blue. As if the mourning process as begun, I don’t even have the job. Yet, feeling as if I’m getting ready to say good-bye.

Border line

Sitting here I think back to when no one would talk to me at this work place. I mean they would but it wasn’t like I was part of the group just yet. Small town, I always felt like the outsider. 43 was the only one who began close, a work husband. Someone who I enjoyed hanging out with, though not sexually attracted to him. He is a bit too old for me to have sexually feelings for. I think to how I try to protect myself from the discomfort of letting go of someone I have gotten attached to. I let my guard down, I let him in. Now, it stings to think of the withdrawals.

Then again, maybe I give him too much credit in my life. Maybe I feel a thing, maybe not a strong as I think. My fear is when I do feel like this, I tend to look for ways to ease that pain & uncomfortable feelings. How so? By any means possible, that’s when I can get myself into a lot of trouble. Any thing from putting my job at risk, to my marriage to my safety. I have been good about keeping a lid on my risky, impulsive behavior.

One way that works sometimes is when I write-here, on this blog. I share my past sexual experiences, buzzed sexual experiences any other risky behavior. Reliving it here, has been so much more safer for me than ever before.

Rejection

I don’t like this emotion. I am glad to say that I have not felt this emotion in a very long time,  not in a way that would send me to my dark place. No rejection from a relationship in over a decade. Being rejected by possible employers, friends or my current co-workers does not impact my life the same as would a love interest.

It’s one of my issues that will send me spiraling out of control into my darkness & self-destruction. Experiencing any type of abandonment or rejection is not good for me. I will try any thing to keep myself from feeling those things. I can handle some small rejection, from people I don’t care too much about. When this is nothing in the relationship for me. Then I don’t care, however if I am getting feed a need that I so desperately crave. The rejection will knock me down hard.

Spiraling into the self-destructive impulsive behavior in attempts to ease the pain. I will over think the situation, pick it apart until there is nothing left but crumbs. Wondering what I did wrong? When it might not have even anything that I did at all. I will ease the pain of rejection through acting out. There are some things that I am truly ashamed of.  Those close to me tend to make excuses or allowances for my behavior. I think “god what a fucking psycho I am.” My loved ones say “she was just angry & hurt, we can cover this up, fix it and act as if it never happened.”

Upon the recent discovery of my issue, I didn’t want to admit to myself how deep the cut goes. Rejection is and can be mentally, emotionally painfully for me. However, not as much as a few other issues of mine. I look back on my childhood, accepting my cards.  I do get angry at my parents at times, but they had no clue on what to do with a child. They were children themselves.  Hind sight is always 20/20 because I’m sure they would have never had any children had they knew the outcome of it all.

 

One Night Stands

I must not be a “normal” woman. I have been reading different articles about “one night stands.”  According to Wikipedia the definition is as follows:

one-night stand is a single sexual encounter with no implication of further relations between sexual participants. This is regardless of whether a one-night stand was originally intended by either participant to be a one-night stand, or whether further relations between the participants subsequently arise. The term has been defined by critics as “sexual activity without emotional commitment or future involvement.

I read this from GQ: Stay the Night. Really, we’re not going to hand you the phone in the morning and mouth, “Dad can’t wait to meet you!” The only logical reasons for leaving a bed at 2 a.m. when you’re undressed and slightly intoxicated are (a) it’s on fire or (b) there’s a big pile of garbage on the pillow. Consequently, if you bail minutes after sex, it makes us feel like a big pile of garbage. Which in turn diminishes the universal goodwill toward the concept of the one-night stand. And no one wants that.

Here’s where I disagree. The point of a one night stand is no emotions, no attachments. I don’t know that person from another, why would I wanna spend the night? I’m already performing risky & reckless behavior by fucking someone I don’t know any thing about. After sex, I may lay there to catch my breath. Chit-chat with that sobering awkward small talk. I’m not asking questions about what they’re going to be doing the in the next 24 hours. I’m not telling them shit about me. I lay there, catch my breath, bull shit about how good it was or mind blowing if it really was. Then I am gonna get up, to clean myself off. Check my makeup in the mirror, fix my hair, maybe pee. Doubt it. Get dressed & I’m out of there.

someecards.com - I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty.

I wasn’t like that when I first started having sex. But after getting kicked in the head a few times I learned quickly that it’s just sex. Besides, I have learned that with my BPD, having one night stands are the best for me, emotionally. I do NOT recommend this behavior for everyone or anyone else with BPD. It just works for me. I didn’t have to extend myself too much. I didn’t have to let them inside my circle. I never took them to my place. Because I didn’t want my safe place contaminated. I got the physical needs met, just enough human contact to hold me over until the next time. Having ‘ONS’s” also kept me sane, kept me from playing that “push-pull” game. It took me some time to get my “pattern” down. I finally did. It worked for me.

  • Met a guy, flirt, get the fire going.
  • His place, some place, any place (NOT my place)
  • Have sex
  • Clean-up time, some small talk. I could also follow the guy’s lead
  • Out of sight before the sun comes up.

I really didn’t care how they felt about themselves afterwards. There was no hidden motives for me, it was just sex. I couldn’t handle the emotional crap, even though I wanted to. A part of me wanted the romance, relationship, the phone call. But then again, the rules needed to be established before the sex. If the sex was amazing I was so high afterwards, if it was bad, I was thankful I never had to do that again. Looking back, in my memories of one night stands. I have no faces. I used to be able to remember first names, but not anymore. I guess if I can’t remember any of it – it never happened, right?!

 

Stigma [BFMH2014]

 Do you think the stigma against mental health is beginning to fade compared to 10 years ago?

It’s been my recent experience that there is some stigma with mental health. However, when it comes to some friends & family, it seems to be easier for them to make reasons or excuses, allowances for me to “be” the way I am. It wasn’t my fault, it’s the way my parents treated me and so on.

I still will not tell the outer circle of friends. I think if I said “oh by the way, I’m bipolar or have schizophrenia.” There might be more of a stigma with those than with BPD. My opinion is that since I’m higher functioning, seemingly well and can be the fun chick. Most seem to overlook it, like it’s no big deal.  Not to sound mean, but because I tend not to be emotionally unstable in public, people don’t seem to be bothered with me being “different.”

When I first stumbled upon this whole “mental illness” blogging category. I realized there are millions of people with a mental illness. Some suffer from mild depression to some stuff I’ve never heard of. And most people I talk to have some form of “dysfunction” to me that’s an illness. It’s like its the new cool thing to have a mental illness of some kind. Whether it’s addiction, depression, BPD, PSTD. I do think that  society might view some illness as “cooler” than others. Like having Anti-social Personality Disorder, I think that would make people feel uneasy when they fully understood it. Another is schizophrenia, I think that one fills people’s minds with the homeless person pushing the cart with foil paper on their head and talking to themselves about government plots.

I think in another 10 years, it won’t be as it is today. More education, more people talking about their stories will help to ease the current stigma of mental illness. Mental illness is just now of one those diseases, illness, sickness that pretty much everyone has. There might even be those out there who don’t even know they are sick with a mental illness.

Keep in mind the above are merely my personal opinions on the subject of mental health stigma.

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