The text came around midnight, but I was fast asleep. I didn’t return communication until 6am. He replied shortly afterwards. He was waiting for the pool hall to open up at 8am.
I arrived at his house around 6:45am. It was freezing inside. I noticed that it’s more like a flop house than a place to live. He must still be staying with CC (Crazy Cunt/Dirty Pussy). I’m pretty sure that he’s lying to everyone about being with her. No one, I mean NO ONE wants her around when he is out. His family & friendships that have rules about her. It’s ONE RULE. She’s not allowed anywhere near any of them. A girlfriend has to be pretty awful for his entire circle to say “keep that crazy cunt away from all of us.”
We got to talking while he striped down to his undies to take a shower. We were talking about the gossip that was swirling around the pool hall about him. I mentioned that I spoke to his friend. He said “I would never tell him shit about you, just that you’re a lousy fuck.” I gasped for air. “WHAT?! Why would you say that to him?“
“I’m just playing.” He adds as he continues to get to jump in the shower.
“What the fuck?! Don’t joke like that! It’s not like I have a personality that I can win friends. I just have this and giving excellent blowjobs.” My voice cracked. I wasn’t sure I wanted to scream or to cry. Again he says “I’m only joking. I would never say that to anyone! Relax! I’m kidding!!!“ The quote “many a true word is spoken in jest.” Knowing our relationship, he really meant what he said. I can conclude that this is one reason we do not have sex anymore, in his mind I’m a lousy fuck!
The evening with him continued on that note. We continually verbally assaulted and insulted each other as if to say “don’t get too close, but I want you close. I want you here with me. But not close that you cramp my style.”
I told him about losing my number 1 fan. I told him how upset I was with my fan. He laughed, looks at me “you’re not mad at him, you’re mad at yourself for letting him get close to you. You are tit for tat. Because you told him a secret, you wanna know one about him. You’re just mad at yourself!” I know that. I believed in my fan, but this is NOT about my #1 fan.
It was time to leave, headed to the pool hall. We didn’t have that same energy connection has earlier times. He had taken his adderall and was focused on the slot machines. I watched him shell out a few hundred dollars on the machines. So much so that the ATM would no longer give him money. He exceeded his limit.
I was there because he didn’t want to be alone. He could do his thing with someone close by. I remember saying to him that “you have paid for me. Here I sit with you, on your dime so that you won’t be alone.” He didn’t like that at all. He doesn’t like it when I know what’s going on. Sometimes though I do get lost in his madness. A borderline chick with some ASPD symptoms and a ASPD guy with Borderline symptoms can make a good couple, but at times it’s a ticking time bomb. We feed off of each other, we enjoy the mind games with the people out at the bar. However, he gets jealous of me. If someone talks to me, he hovers or flat-out tells them “you’re asking her too many questions.” But now I have separated myself from him. The games don’t work as well, instead it seems we play against each other. We say things to each other to hurt each other, not deep hurt just surface scratches. We were getting out of the car, he said something about us having sex. I remember hearing “We might have sex again someday, never say never.” I answered with “No baby, those days are over.” When I was thinking I would so enjoy having him again. But I didn’t want him to know that. I have to keep my emotions in check. I get confused with him, he’s the only one who can make me spin out of control within hours.
We met up with his friends, a couple that I had met before. I didn’t like them. She is one of those woman who hangs on her man. She is always touching him, rubbing his back or standing next to him. Her body language tells everyone in the room, “I’m sure insecure and this is my man, everyone stay away.” She didn’t talk to me much. I ended up sitting away from them just watching them chat together. He would look back at me to make sure I was ok. I said to him at one point “I can leave now, because they got you.” He sternly objects with “NO. That’s NOT how it works and you know it. We came together, we leave together.”
My emotions were slowly sinking into the that pit of despair. I wanted to leave, I wanted to cry. It wasn’t really about him, but more how I was feeling. The booze probably didn’t help any. There was a moment when he & I had some words, we were picking at each other again. There was a 4th guy there. When he looked at me and said something smart to me. I jumped up and lunged at him. Like I said we had picked at each other all day. This guy, named Eric says to the couple “Did you feel their sexual tension or am I the only one who felt it?” I gasped air. He looked at me and I leaned back. The female says “I think it was just you Eric!” That statement haunts me to this day (and it’s Wednesday!) In the car I talked to him about it. “Why you let those fuckers get to you? Why do you care what they think about us? He’s retarded, don’t know nothing.” But that guy had just met us, a complete stranger to us. I believe that outsiders pick up on subtle or loud cues.
As I type this I am searching for answers. I humored the idea of calling the counselor that I had started to see. I would like to ask her for her insight into this madness. I just want the answer about why do he & I behave the way we do when we are together. So that I can move forward from it. Otherwise I’m stuck here trying to figure out this relationship. I am reading different articles about couples, however we are not a couple, but merely two people who no longer have a sexual relationship. I spoke with our mutual friend. She is an his old childhood friend. She said told me the first time we met that he had a closeness to me like no other person in his life. Today she told me this “That’s his fear when it comes to you. He takes how you see & feel about him to heart. He feels this closeness to you he don’t have with anybody else.“
Sure, I love the sound of that. But I wanna see the real & raw him. Then again I’m afraid I could destroy that part of him if he ever was to piss me off. That would not take much, knowing him. I think I let him down. I was not that person he needed me to be for him, thus he was not the person I needed him to be. We both pushed each other. Until he ended up leaving with his friends. He asks me “are you staying here or going home?!” I asked “What the fuck do you care?!” He got mad “Why you gotta be like that?! I wanna know, so I don’t worry.” I acted like the brat that I am. When I should have been the bigger person. We both played a game with each other on Sunday and we both lost.
There was a moment we shared at the pool hall. He loves to play the jukebox. Sometimes its the same song over & over again. He played “Only God knows Why” He touched my forearm to get my attention. He looked deep into my eyes when he started to sing the song….
I’ve been sittin here
Tryin to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself
Lookin for the payback
Listen for the playback….I watch my youngest son
And it helps to pass the time
I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills, but still I feel the same
Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck with me
It’s hard to hang out in crowds
I guess that’s the price you pay
To be some big shot like I am
stretched hands and one night stands
Still I can’t find love….People don’t know about the things I say and do
They don’t understand about the shit that I’ve been through….
He never broke eye contact when he mouthed this song to me. I felt his soul bleed, I felt his sorrow. I didn’t take stock in to the part about “always being there.” I can only imagine what others were thinking when he & I were having that single moment. There was no one else in the world. I purposely looked him in the eyes. I wanted to look at his soul. A person can see the soul when the emotional doorway opens up. I wanted to feel whatever he was sharing, because he was giving it just to me and me alone.
He put on a badass front for me, but I have already detached from him. He tried, really tried to connect with me, but by night’s end my emotions had hit their limit. I wanted to go home. Home. Where my safe place is. Where my woobie is. Where I can lick my wounds. The guilt set in when I got home. I cried. Something I seldom do. I cried out of guilt, shame. I thought if the tables were turned, I couldn’t be strong. I would be angry. I felt shameful that he was picking pieces of me up off the floor. I thought and still think that I would & will parish without him. I didn’t think about what I needed to do to keep him, so that he would never leave me. I don’t have a fear of him ever leaving me, not willingly.
I explained to him about how I looked for that emotional high from him, but I was unable to reach it. Feeling worse after leaving. I know it will be a while before there is any texts or calls. I did make an observation, that IF he is attempting to be what he thinks I want him to be, then I need to change the instructions again. If my sociopath is like that, then I need to regroup myself thoughts and figure out actually what I want from him so that he can morph into that for me. It will be a win-win situation for us both. I hope. The madness is talking again.