Feeling Out of Sorts [BFMH2016]

Tonight I was in the mood to have an adult beverage. I like going after work, stopping in with the work crowd. I seemed some out spaceytonight, Astro got a bit annoyed with me with I dropped the darts off the table. I’m not normally out of sorts. Not sure why I was, but I know that the alcohol hit me quick. I only had two bottles and then I left for home.henrys hard soda, alcohol, the bar

Before I left. A guy walked into the joint, I thought for a moment I thought it was Charlie. But then I remembered that Charlie is away at camp. This guy sat in the same spot that was reserved for Charlie. He spoke to Charlies old crew. I asked a friend of a friend “Who is that guy? I’ve hadn’t seen him in here before?” One of the friends says “that’s Charlie.”

I said nothing, just sat there for a second. Then the other friend said “No that’s not Charlie, he’s away at camp. He’ll be there for a while.” Again I’m sitting there spaced out, missing Charlie and wishing I would have told him that I was sorry. Why does it always end up that way? The last time is always the worst time, ending a relationship on a horrible note. Anyway, has my mind is wandering in that last moment Charlie & I were together Stan walks up to me.

Stan is an older gentleman who went down hill when his wife passed away last year. He couldn’t seem to keep it together. He is a really sweet old guy. He taps me on the shoulder and asks “How’s your brother? Is he still at camp? No way for him to get out, huh? Going to stay there for a long time, huh? He’s a good guy but made some bad decisions.” Now the one friend who said that Charlie was away also had a brief fling with him. She had been one of my replacements when I was taking a break from him. She is seriously a broken chick. She has talked to me, helped me take a mutual friend home because she was too drunk to drive. But at no time did I ever tell her who I am.

Everyone in the bar treats me differently than the others. Charlie’s other girls never stayed very long. But I’m the one everyone knows, who gets the respect of being Charlie’s girl. God how I miss his toxic behavior in my life. And I only miss it because his behavior kept me grounded. Grounded you say? Well in the way that Charlie acted out for the both of us and then I didn’t have to. I didn’t have to put my life on the line, by acting out impulsively. Sure I did with Charlie, the sex, the drugs, the booze and the running game and hustle. I was kept close to him, I felt safe in a twisted way. I guess that’s way I miss him. He’s the crazy part of me, always running. But when I get tired, exhausted and want to try to be normal I go home. Where I hide myself from the world.

As I sat there in the bar, I looked around at the people sitting there. Decided the best thing for me right now would be to go home. And so I did.

[Even though the “Blog for Mental Health” meme has been disconnected I continued to share…I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.]

Emotions [AtoZChallenge]

I have problems regulating my emotions. What is simple & easy for a “normal” person is very difficult for me. I can not always get my emotions back to baseline in a sufficient amount of time. E

When I was younger I was repeatedly told to “stop crying.” I was told that I should get my emotions under control. I blame my divorced parents for my mental issues. They separated before I was born, shortly after my brother died. They fought all the time. My father always telling me to “stop crying, to get a grip on myself, there is nothing crying will do to solve the problem.” Looking back I think this is where I developed the unconscious belief that my emotions were not valid, not important to anyone, not even myself. My mother would hug me, hold me before my father would remove me from her and she would cry and cry. It took my years to be able to hug people. To this day I refuse to hug my mother. I do hug my children and my Liege (spouse).

When I was an adolescent I had only two emotions. Anger & sadness. When I wasn’t feeling either of those two, I felt nothing, empty and void. I also didn’t know why. I would fly in to fits of rage around to age of 8. I would wreck my bedroom, clothes and closets. I didn’t feel the need to hurt myself, cut self. I would have mood swings from that to sadness, depression and feeling so alone.

Nowadays I still have issues with some people and emotions. If a friend calls me to tell me what an asshole their spouse is and they are upset I pick up their emotions and double it. I get all worked up, then it takes me time to settle down. Certain people (Charlie) have a way of pushing me backwards, into that uncontrollable whirlwind of emotional instability.

I have found that with my Liege, that if he remains calm (and most often he is) I can deal with, sort through any of my family drama, friends gossip, etc. There are times when he gets angry with something someone does and he will tell me, explain it to me and then I tend to feel the same way he does. But not all the time. I often lean on him to keep my emotional instability in check when dealing with the kids. I have him talk for me instead of me cussing out one of the kids for something, he says something very differently. Which is a very good thing. emotionsSometimes my emotions sweep me up and it’s all out before I can think.

Another thing I try to do is limit my amount of time with people in general. At work, I say hello, etc but won’t stand around long enough to get in to the gossip. I have noticed that when I do hang out with people socially (without alcohol) it is very draining on me. I need a nap afterwards. I also use my spouse as an emotional outhouse when I get home. Spewing out all the crap I stored up throughout the day. He sits there quietly, listening and when I’m finished he hugs me and says something to make me laugh. We joke about my flirting with other men. He says “if they only knew what or how you really are.”

My emotional instability is a real part of me. I try to hide it, but sometimes I can’t control it. Most days if you were to ask me how I feel I would respond with “nothing, blank, empty.” Which I consider to be my normal. For me it means that my emotions are not overreacting, not of control or causing me pain. I will pretty much do anything to prevent emotional pain. I will continue to learn how to live with all of this. I can tell you what works for me, may not work for you. I like saying I’m just a little high-strung at times.

Dressed for Drinks [BFMH2016]

Today is my friends birthday. She text me early wanting to know if I wanted to meet her for drinks. I suddenly feel that I can not meet her sober. Her personality is one that is so bubbly that it is difficult for me to understand. I want to frontload before I meet with her.

I text Charlie to find out if he was at the bar. Why? So that I could stop by for those first few drinks to loosen up. He answered very quickly. Which I hadn’t heard from him since that night I made him a tad jealous. I figured he was still upset with me.

He said he was at his ma’s watching movies. I had to laugh. He really expected me to believe that bullshit he was spewing at me?! Since he is a drunk, he’s been recently evicted from the home he was squatting in. He told me he is at his mothers. She no longer likes me. Why? Because I have no filter when it comes to saying what I think. It just falls out of my mouth, even without alcohol in my system.

He said he was suffering from cabin fever and would be out tomorrow night. Charlie asked me if I wanted to meet him at a different bar while he plays a makeup game of darts. Well, tomorrow is Sunday. I return to work on Monday. I told him to remind me about his game tomorrow night. He said he would. I highly doubt he will.

Tonight I figured that he is not at his mother’s at all, but is with his flavor of the week. He must play the game if he wishes to continue depending on others for the things he needs. I do admire one thing about Charlie. It’s the fact he will not bring his girls out with him to the bars. He will acknowledge everyone he knows, even if it is one of his girls but they will not be asked to sit at his table.drinks at the bar

However, I get to sit with him in the corner, like Baby. LOL. I probably should be angry or hurt by all of this. But I’m not. I just hate it when he lies to me about stupid shit like this. It’s bullshit like this that would cause my issues to kick in to fast gear. If Charlie & I were dating its this behavior that I would go drive by his mother’s to see if I could see him, to verify that he is there. Deep in my gut I would know that he’s not there, that he would be out whoring around. This is why I’m not dating him, seeing him on the side. I just enjoy his attention, the foreplay and sexual tension we have that we know we can’t act on. I think we both miss the old days of our crazy sexual adventures. We no longer chase that sexual high we once shared.

I don’t want to drink a lot tonight. I’m already bored and haven’t even left the house. I know the bar we are meeting at, it’s quiet and tucked off the main road. Nothing exciting happens there. I don’t get the same feeling with her that I do with him. I like not having to be “on” when I’m with him. Because he does it for both of us, verses my girlfriend where I have to be “on.” I’m the one who makes everyone laugh, the showoff, the spark. But when I’m with Charlie I don’t have to.

Well, I’m ready to go.

You Really Got a Hold of Me

I had been cooped up in the house long enough. Three weeks was starting to get to me. I knew that Chestnut would be sitting inside, he’s at the slot machine again. We haven’t seen each other since I had decided to step away from the madness for a while. I ordered a drink, my usual and my usual bartender was working. I love that I can go in there and I am known and don’t have to worry about being bothered. However, I am getting tired of the gossip. It’s all we talk about anymore. It’s about who is fucking who and who is fucking who over.

Chestnut was in a friendly mood at first. We slowly started to pick at each other. Well, I guess because I have been cooped up for so long in the house with no other interaction that I had it built up inside me. I had heard that he has still been hanging with those two nasty chicks, “toothless” and “the cutter.” I started giving him shit for that. I said “I admit it, I’m a snob! I’ve always been a snob.” He yells back “YES! YOU ARE! I’m not gonna stop hanging out with them because you don’t like them. They helped me out when no one else was around.”

You’re judged by the company you keep. I expected more for you than this.”

I realize that being borderline and not having anyone to emotionally vomit on or to expel my pent-up emotional energy on can cause my relationships to suffer. I pushed him and pushed him. I wanted him to feel something. Anything. I wanted him to feel that his world would be miserable without me. I wanted him to know that I am something special in his life. However, that’s impossible. Alcoholics don’t feel, he is too numb now.

When will I learn that it’s impossible to “fix” him. I guess I don’t want to feel the pain of loss when he dies. I will cry & feel pain when he dies from this illness. I am that selfish that I don’t wanna feel that. I will do whatever it takes not to feel that. I continued to scold him about his company. He called someone on his phone and was doing it to make me jealous. Why? Because I was talking about sex to the bartender. Chestnut and I used too, many years ago. He changed. I’m angry. I’m not getting the “fix” that he provided for me any longer. I’m angry at myself for not being able to stay away from him. Angry at him for changing the game.

We went from having sex to talking. I enjoy hanging out with you. We just took it to another level. But if you wanna start back up again I’m down for that.

Fuck you! You’re just saying what you think I wanna hear. you’re just trying to make me stay. I can’t. Not anymore.”

WOMAN! You’re making me crazy!!!

See! This is what happens. I get too attached. I need to go away for a while. I can’t do this anymore. It’s not healthy for either one of us. I don’t like being like this.”

NO! You don’t have to leave, we can work through this somehow, right?!

That’s just the thing, I’m not sure I want to anymore.

He got up and walked to the jukebox. He always plays songs that reflects how he feels. Normally I don’t pay close attention to what he plays, unless he is whining about his ex. “You Really Got A Hold of Me” began to play in the jukebox. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I think it’s too much of a coincidence that we had just had a conversation about ending communication with each other and driving each other crazy. I pretended not to hear the words to the song, but I couldn’t help but to hear the words of the songs. I looked him in the eyes as I walked away from the bar. He made no motion to hug me, no mention of I’ll call you, no mention of “love you see you soon” kind of thing. He just stood there as if he was giving up. Giving me up. Letting go of us.

“I don’t like you, but I love you
Seems that I’m always thinkin’ of you
You treat me badly, I love you madly
You’ve really got a hold on me

Baby, I don’t want you, but I need you
Don’t wanna kiss you, but I need to
You do me wrong now, my love is strong now
You’ve really got a hold on me 

Baby, I love you and all I want you to do
Is just hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me
Tighter, tighter
I wanna leave you, don’t wanna stay here
Don’t wanna spend another day here
I wanna split now, I can’t quit now
You’ve really got a hold on me…”

Maybe we do have a crazy hold on each other. I feel like a broken record. I’m stuck. I’m struggling to end the cycle. The fight continues deep within me. Soon, very soon I think it won’t take much to completely cut the tie.

Blog for Mental Health 2015

High but Not High Enough [BFMH2015]

The text came around midnight, but I was fast asleep. I didn’t return communication until 6am. He replied shortly afterwards. He was waiting for the pool hall to open up at 8am.

Text

I arrived at his house around 6:45am. It was freezing inside. I noticed that it’s more like a flop house than a place to live. He must still be staying with CC (Crazy Cunt/Dirty Pussy). I’m pretty sure that he’s lying to everyone about being with her. No one, I mean NO ONE wants her around when he is out. His family & friendships that have rules about her. It’s ONE RULE. She’s not allowed anywhere near any of them. A girlfriend has to be pretty awful for his entire circle to say “keep that crazy cunt away from all of us.”

We got to talking while he striped down to his undies to take a shower. We were talking about the gossip that was swirling around the pool hall about him. I mentioned that I spoke to his friend. He said “I would never tell him shit about you, just that you’re a lousy fuck.” I gasped for air. “WHAT?! Why would you say that to him?Waiting

I’m just playing.” He adds as he continues to get to jump in the shower.

What the fuck?! Don’t joke like that! It’s not like I have a personality that I can win friends. I just have this and giving excellent blowjobs.” My voice cracked. I wasn’t sure I wanted to scream or to cry. Again he says “I’m only joking. I would never say that to anyone! Relax! I’m kidding!!! The quote “many a true word is spoken in jest.”  Knowing our relationship, he really meant what he said. I can conclude that this is one reason we do not have sex anymore, in his mind I’m a lousy fuck!

The evening with him continued on that note. We continually verbally assaulted and insulted each other as if to say “don’t get too close, but I want you close. I want you here with me. But not close that you cramp my style.”

I told him about losing my number 1 fan. I told him how upset I was with my fan. He laughed, looks at me “you’re not mad at him, you’re mad at yourself for letting him get close to you. You are tit for tat. Because you told him a secret, you wanna know one about him. You’re just mad at yourself!” I know that. I believed in my fan, but this is NOT about my #1 fan.

It was time to leave, headed to the pool hall. We didn’t have that same energy connection has earlier times. He had taken his adderall and was focused on the slot machines. I watched him shell out a few hundred dollars on the machines. So much so that the ATM would no longer give him money. He exceeded his limit.

Keeping Him CompanyI was there because he didn’t want to be alone. He could do his thing with someone close by. I remember saying to him that “you have paid for me. Here I sit with you, on your dime so that you won’t be alone.” He didn’t like that at all. He doesn’t like it when I know what’s going on. Sometimes though I do get lost in his madness. A borderline chick with some ASPD symptoms and a ASPD guy with Borderline symptoms can make a good couple, but at times it’s a ticking time bomb. We feed off of each other, we enjoy the mind games with the people out at the bar. However, he gets jealous of me. If someone talks to me, he hovers or flat-out tells them “you’re asking her too many questions.” But now I have separated myself from him. The games don’t work as well, instead it seems we play against each other. We say things to each other to hurt each other, not deep hurt just surface scratches. We were getting out of the car, he said something about us having sex. I remember hearing “We might have sex again someday, never say never.” I answered with “No baby, those days are over.” When I was thinking I would so enjoy having him again. But I didn’t want him to know that. I have to keep my emotions in check. I get confused with him, he’s the only one who can make me spin out of control within hours.

We met up with his friends, a couple that I had met before. I didn’t like them. She is one of those woman who hangs on her man. She is always touching him, rubbing his back or standing next to him. Her body language tells everyone in the room, “I’m sure insecure and this is my man, everyone stay away.” She didn’t talk to me much. I ended up sitting away from them just watching them chat together. He would look back at me to make sure I was ok. I said to him at one point “I can leave now, because they got you.” He sternly objects with “NO. That’s NOT how it works and you know it. We came together, we leave together.”

My emotions were slowly sinking into the that pit of despair. I wanted to leave, I wanted to cry. It wasn’t really about him, but more how I was feeling. The booze probably didn’t help any. There was a moment when he & I had some words, we were picking at each other again. There was a 4th guy there. When he looked at me and said something smart to me. I jumped up and lunged at him. Like I said we had picked at each other all day. This guy, named Eric says to the couple “Did you feel their sexual tension or am I the only one who felt it?” I gasped air. He looked at me and I leaned back. The female says “I think it was just you Eric!” That statement haunts me to this day (and it’s Wednesday!) In the car I talked to him about it. “Why you let those fuckers get to you? Why do you care what they think about us? He’s retarded, don’t know nothing.” But that guy had just met us, a complete stranger to us. I believe that outsiders pick up on subtle or loud cues.

As I type this I am searching for answers. I humored the idea of calling the counselor that I had started to see. I would like to ask her for her insight into this madness. I just want the answer about why do he & I behave the way we do when we are together. So that I can move forward from it. Otherwise I’m stuck here trying to figure out this relationship. I am reading different articles about couples, however we are not a couple, but merely two people who no longer have a sexual relationship. I spoke with our mutual friend. She is an his old childhood friend. She said told me the first time we met that he had a closeness to me like no other person in his life. Today she told me this “That’s his fear when it comes to you. He takes how you see & feel about him to heart. He feels this closeness to you he don’t have with anybody else.

Sure, I love the sound of that. But I wanna see the real & raw him. Then again I’m afraid I could destroy that part of him if he ever was to piss me off. That would not take much, knowing him. I think I let him down. I was not that person he needed me to be for him, thus he was not the person I needed him to be. We both pushed each other. Until he ended up leaving with his friends. He asks me “are you staying here or going home?!” I asked “What the fuck do you care?!” He got mad “Why you gotta be like that?! I wanna know, so I don’t worry.” I acted like the brat that I am. When I should have been the bigger person. We both played a game with each other on Sunday and we both lost.

Wish You Were HereThere was a moment we shared at the pool hall. He loves to play the jukebox. Sometimes its the same song over & over again. He played “Only God knows Why” He touched my forearm to get my attention. He looked deep into my eyes when he started to sing the song….

I’ve been sittin here
Tryin to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself
Lookin for the payback
Listen for the playback….I watch my youngest son
And it helps to pass the time
I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills, but still I feel the same
Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks fuck with me
It’s hard to hang out in crowds
I guess that’s the price you pay
To be some big shot like I am
stretched hands and one night stands
Still I can’t find love….People don’t know about the things I say and do
They don’t understand about the shit that I’ve been through….

He never broke eye contact when he mouthed this song to me. I felt his soul bleed, I felt his sorrow. I didn’t take stock in to the part about “always being there.” I can only imagine what others were thinking when he & I were having that single moment. There was no one else in the world. I purposely looked him in the eyes. I wanted to look at his soul. A person can see the soul when the emotional doorway opens up. I wanted to feel whatever he was sharing, because he was giving it just to me and me alone.

What has my life become?He put on a badass front for me, but I have already detached from him. He tried, really tried to connect with me, but by night’s end my emotions had hit their limit. I wanted to go home. Home. Where my safe place is. Where my woobie is. Where I can lick my wounds. The guilt set in when I got home. I cried. Something I seldom do. I cried out of guilt, shame. I thought if the tables were turned, I couldn’t be strong. I would be angry. I felt shameful that he was picking pieces of me up off the floor. I thought and still think that I would & will parish without him. I didn’t think about what I needed to do to keep him, so that he would never leave me. I don’t have a fear of him ever leaving me, not willingly.

I explained to him about how I looked for that emotional high from him, but I was unable to reach it. Feeling worse after leaving. I know it will be a while before there is any texts or calls. I did make an observation, that IF he is attempting to be what he thinks I want him to be, then I need to change the instructions again. If my sociopath is like that, then I need to regroup myself thoughts and figure out actually what I want from him so that he can morph into that for me. It will be a win-win situation for us both. I hope. The madness is talking again.

It Didn’t Take Long [BFMH2014]

He & I had been continuing our communication through the weekend. Saturday morning I told my Beloved “I’m not answering my phone, I’m scared he’s gonna text me again.”

Start from the beginning of this toxic dysfunctional relationship. 

About an hour later I heard that familiar ringtone.

Why do I miss Brittany so much?

I can’t answer that one. Other than she has become a habit for you to numb the loneliness & she occupies your time. And I remembered you used $10 last night on 2 games of pool! That’s where the money went.”

OMFG I keep wanting to talk to her! She sent me this today.

IMG_7004.JPG

She’s lying!!!

LOL

She’s doing it to make you jealous. And it’s game playing to engage you. Cause if you act jealous & react than she knows you care about her and shown your weakness.

UGH…I Hate This!!!

and she’ll use your emotions against you.

Yeah I do miss her!!

It’s a game you played before. You did it to M with me. Making her jealous & mind fucking her. You miss Brittany because she keeps you busy and full of drama so you don’t have to feel anything else.

Well…I don’t like it!

No one likes being played. It’s your game – change the rules!

*sigh* SUCKS!

I know you care, you love – you just don’t want anymore knowing it. Your secret is safe with me.

I do love her. Don’t know why. Just do.

Do you love her or love the idea of her?

love her…2 years we been together

So!!! We been together since 2010! It’s your fault if you love her and want a life with her. Then go for it! Shit.

Love You too Silly!!!! Naaaaa I need to replace her…not chase her.

If she truly makes you happy and is there for you when no one else is, respects you as a man then yes go be happy with her. if you’re happy than I’m happy because you’re happy and that’s what love is. Yeah, no chasing it’s as bad as me having an allowance!

I need to cut her loose. Too much drama

True. She’s pretty trashy for my taste. I don’t think she respects you either. Hell she don’t even respect herself.

I know this. But You know it’s comfortable.

Yeah ok then if what you say is true. Than you don’t love her. It’s just a “comfortable things.”

Yes it is. No love involved if I really think on it. Just comfortable.

Finally! You’re being honest with yourself. She’s a bad habit that you need to kick.

Uhuh. I do. But it’s so hard.

LOL. Shit ain’t nothing in life easy. Gotta work for it and at it. So then you know you’ve learned the lesson and you can be proud of yourself.

After this conversation, the next day I found out he crawled back to her. The emotional outbursts began in me. I flew from jealousy to rage to sadness to relief.

Because I have BPD my emotions are always unpredictable for me. There is no controlling my emotions.  I admit I enjoy playing the game with him, but we always end up fighting. Months go by before he texts. However,  I do know his weakness. How can I exploit it? Use his weakness of me to my benefit to bring him to his knees.

I do think since our relationship has shifted to a different level that he might not response in the manner in which I would hope. I need to have something that benefits him. That check has been spent. I don’t think he thinks like that anymore. So that would leave me out of luck, I don’t have anything to keep him hooked. Only my personality is left to keep him around, I really just wanna push him and push him hard.

He took away my escape – again. There is another who comes to mind that always made the world seem ok. I wish he was around to make me laugh & smile. I guess my emotional instability is triggered by our unstable relationship. Because in my “safe place” I don’t have these emotional outbursts. Everything is even, but with him it’s only a matter of time before my emotions go off the chart and it takes days to return to the baseline.  I’m thinking perhaps releasing my bear for the sake of my own good. He will keep me from hurting myself (again) if I ask him. He will protect me, he will also allow me to choke myself on the rope.  All I need to do is whisper the magic words and the bear will be released to devour anyone in its path meanwhile I will be locked away. Safe from those others who would come for me, safe from myself to change my mind.  If I do release the bear, I will never be able to walk down that path again. There will no longer be a bridge there. I must choose and I must do it quickly.

 

 

 

Tears of Sunday Morning Drinks [BFMH2014]

The first thing I reach for when I wake up is my iPhone. I notice that he called me. What?! He called me!!! He never calls. Shit! Something must have happened. 

It’s 8:30 in the morning. I immediately text him.

Did you butt dial me last night? or did ya need me for a ride or something? I was passed out. Had been drinking & mixed with fresh air I zapped out at 11. Fuck I’m old!!

LOL Prolly butt dialed ya. Ready for a cpl drinks now???IMG_6841

haha Sure!!

Well come get me!

You headed to the usual Sunday hangout?

Yeah.

I gotta get dressed. I’ll meet ya there.

OK. What time?

Damn fool. As soon as I can. Keep your shirt on. Shit.

NO WAY!!! It’s coming OFF!!!

 I walked in the back door of the bar. It’s now 9:45 in the morning. He was sitting there talking to the bartender. I walk up and hug him. I sit next to him, ordering a drink. Malibu & pineapple. We hugged again.

We talk about the last time we were there. That was during the summer, I think. I was getting emotionally out of control. His presence in my life pushed me over the edge. I made some bad decisions that day.

However, I knew that I wasn’t going to be making any bad decisions today. It was gonna be a good day with good times. We talked about lots of stuff. Family, ex-girlfriends, new girlfriends and wanna be girlfriends. We discussed what great sex is and why we always chase after it. How some people are clingy, some are crazy and those who know their place in our lives. I tried to stress that some people will always be around until the end.

The bartender added in her two cents about the topics we were discussing. She asked me if his latest fuck knows my car. Noooooo! WHY?! She said because she keyed that other chick’s car! She’s fucking mess!  She immediately started texting him. He never would share any conversations with me. However, I believe that the dynamic of our relationship has changed. Him showing me the texts proves it for me.crazy text

WTF?! I’m thinking of the last time she was here at the bar. They had a fight the night before. She wouldn’t acknowledge me at all. She is one of those 26-year-old hardcore bar boards. The ones that scare sailors, bouncers and little kids. She mouthed off, never approached me. However, if she does come at me reckless in the future, I’m gonna hit her. I have given some thought to going back to the gym for some MMA retraining. This bitch is crazy. I keep thinking that I need to make sure there are bar towels close by to wrap my hands if a fight goes down. I don’t wanna broke my fingers when I punch her in the face. First thing, sweep the knee, then keep punching her until someone pulls me off. Ok. Enough about her. Crazy cunt.

I start yelling at him for always going back to her. Toss in the fact he is talking to other chicks. He & I are too much a like. He wants the stability of a solid relationship/marriage. Yet that fear of failure, rejection and commitment fuck with our minds. I told him “we always want what we can’t have.” Tears filled his eyes as he starting to talk about his childhood and other family issues. Our conversation turns in a different direction when I opened my mouth. I started in on him about all his past offensives against me. with his eyes still filled with tears, he looks down and takes both my hands in his. “YOU PICKED SIDES!!! You left me and were BFF’s with A and I got mad. Just like you did. The game continued for there. I’m sorry…truly sorry. I know I made mistakes. I didn’t trust you then, but I know I can now. I trust you with my life. I do! I really do! Babe, I’m sorry. I love you. You should know better than anyone that people like us have a hard time trusting.” He was looking me in the eye the entire time. I looked back into his tear-filled eyes. I wanted to believe him. BUT. He’s right. People like us don’t trust easily. He hugs me. Kissing me on the side of my head. I’m not sure, but I felt like he ended that part of our relationship. Only to start a new fresh & clean relationship.

We rocked out to the jukebox. Playing song after song. There wasn’t anyone else in place but US! We were having a blast. Jumping around, dancing, singing. Laughing at our stories. Time flew by. I think I was pretty buzzed too, because I seem to be missing some time.

MalibuWe continue with our drinks. I normally count how many drinks I have when I go out. This time I completely lost track of the number. I lost track of a lot of things. I was there most of the day. I normally don’t even drink during the daylight. I lost track of what he was drinking. Sure, it’s not my responsibility.  However, if I go out with someone I won’t just leave them or care about how drunk they are. I could not do that in good conscience. I would hope that some kind soul would take care of my loved one if they were out of control some where.

I haven’t acted like him in a decade or more. When you’re so drunk that you call everyone on your contact list. Listening to him talk to all those women started to crush my buzz. The bartender comes to me and says “I can tell your getting sober, because you’re not jumping around.” He got off the phone with whoever, sits down next to me again. “You mad? You look mad. You gonna call me a bunch names too? Threaten to leave me too?”

NO! I’m not gonna do any of that foo! But if you want me to, I can. Only if it makes you feel better!” My heart breaks for him. The pain he must feel on the inside, his soul is battered & bruised. I wish I could be the one to help him heal, but I’m not. At some point I will have to walk away from him. And that will break my heart.

We stumbled to my car with his jar of pickle juice. Don’t ask. The bartender & I got him into the back seat. “Why am I back here? I Evidenceain’t no little kid!” He passes out. I drove him back to his place, helped him inside. Threw him on his bed, took his shoes off.  I looked for something to fix him to eat, but living his kind of lifestyle the cupboards were empty. There was some Kettle One in the frig! UGH. I thought he was sleeping, when I heard him walking around. I went into the living room, there he was trying to play his iPod. OMG. He turned the fucking thing up so loud I was completely deaf. The song “Burden in My Hand” blasting from the speakers and him singing at the top of his lungs. I watched in amusement, but as my buzz started to wear off I seen & heard his pain. He did a little dance for me. He was oh so cute & adorable. I got up walking to the kitchen. He asks “You leaving me?”

“Do you want me to stay?”

“Yes!”

He came over to the sofa, flopping down next to me. I start to rub him to calm & quiet his demon. I rubbed his arms, thighs, tummy & chest. He lays there next to me, his arm around me. “I love you” He whispers. I continue to rub his chest, playing with his chest hair. He passes out. I give him a kiss on the cheek as I started to get up from the sofa. He mutters “where ya going?”

“I’m going home. You gonna be alright?”

“I’m home ain’t I?!”

“Yes, you are.”

I quietly walk out the front door. As I drive home I say “Thank You” to the universe for my life. I realize that with the change of the season it’s my worst time of the year. I jump down the rabbit hole, acting out, all sorts of risky & reckless behavior. Begging the universe not to condemn me. The skies grow darker and colder for me. I haven’t figured out my reason for this behavior with him, not yet anyway. I can only part take of this lifestyle for a few more times before the candle burns out and I’m left standing in total darkness.

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Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project

On My Emotional Roller Coaster [BFMH2014]

After spending time with “da hoodrat” I am now suffering the consequences. I am emotionally confused.

I feel angry at myself for giving him my time and for listening to him. I don’t believe that he told me the truth. Ok. There was truth in there somewhere, but I’m sure that he found it difficult to be honest with me. I’m angry for allowing myself to get sucked into his story.

I feel rejected. He has all those other people in his life. However, I must stay a secret. This makes me angry again. I feel slightly abandoned, however this was one of the first times in a very long time that he texted me afterwards to tell me how he appreciated our time together. Emotional

My self-image spirals down. I feel fat, ugly and undesirable. Even though he said it wasn’t me. That it was him, that he was under stress and medication preventing him for an erection. But, it still causes my self-image, my self-esteem to spiral down. Not feeling worthy of anything more.

I feel jealousy because I want to be that other person. I want to be the one. I know I will always have a special place with him that no one else with ever have. Not just saying that, I know it’s true. I have something that no other women with ever have with him, yet I’m still jealous of those other women. I am jealous of the life he has. Sure, he graduated from Bad Boy U, that’s what makes him exciting. I’m jealous that he has charisma, which I don’t have.

I’m emotionally confused. I feel one thing, moments later I feel another. I got caught up in the start of the push-pull game.

I was wondering would it bother you if we stopped? Don’t answer now. Think about it first.

Well, be more specific silly!! Stopped what? Stopped talking? Stopped other stuff? No contact at all? What are you talking about?

lol. well the only tine we talk is when we are together. I was basically thinking no contact for a while. you’ve got a lot on your plate right now. Just thinking one less thing to add to your stress, ya know?

No stress. lol. actually was a stress reliever this time to sit & talk.

oh ok. just making sure after we talked. SOmetimes it helps to eliminate as many stressors.

 My emotions are on a roller coaster. I haven’t been here in since August, it’s now October. I think that’s pretty good. I know he is leaving, he has to. He doesn’t have a choice, yet I feel abandoned, rejected. I think about where else can I get my fix. How will I satisfy that urge? I wish there was someone else who knows what he knows. I don’t have any new prospects. I’m feeling like throwing in the towel on all of this. I feel an empty feeling being here. I know to take one time at a day, but it’s how I feel-today.

I will continue to muddle along however I think I might tweak all of this a little. Sometimes we need to re-focus on what’s important. That’s what I might need to do, for myself.

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