I don’t like this emotion. I am glad to say that I have not felt this emotion in a very long time, not in a way that would send me to my dark place. No rejection from a relationship in over a decade. Being rejected by possible employers, friends or my current co-workers does not impact my life the same as would a love interest.
It’s one of my issues that will send me spiraling out of control into my darkness & self-destruction. Experiencing any type of abandonment or rejection is not good for me. I will try any thing to keep myself from feeling those things. I can handle some small rejection, from people I don’t care too much about. When this is nothing in the relationship for me. Then I don’t care, however if I am getting feed a need that I so desperately crave. The rejection will knock me down hard.
Spiraling into the self-destructive impulsive behavior in attempts to ease the pain. I will over think the situation, pick it apart until there is nothing left but crumbs. Wondering what I did wrong? When it might not have even anything that I did at all. I will ease the pain of rejection through acting out. There are some things that I am truly ashamed of. Those close to me tend to make excuses or allowances for my behavior. I think “god what a fucking psycho I am.” My loved ones say “she was just angry & hurt, we can cover this up, fix it and act as if it never happened.”
Upon the recent discovery of my issue, I didn’t want to admit to myself how deep the cut goes. Rejection is and can be mentally, emotionally painfully for me. However, not as much as a few other issues of mine. I look back on my childhood, accepting my cards. I do get angry at my parents at times, but they had no clue on what to do with a child. They were children themselves. Hind sight is always 20/20 because I’m sure they would have never had any children had they knew the outcome of it all.
I recently cleaned out my office, sorting through piles of stuff. I have always kept hand written journals. I just happen to find a few pages at the bottom of a box. Along with a few phone numbers from some men that I had become friends with. Some phone numbers don’t even have names with them, that can’t be good.
Back in 2008 when I was just starting out online, I was invited to join so many different (NING) websites. One of sites was about Gothic poetry. I was invited by the owner of the site. It was filled with members who wrote about anything & everything that was gothic & dark. Here is the brief start of that part of my journal.
I signed up, for some reason I disappeared after about a month. Returned under a different name. He wrote to me only in poems. It has become a game of poem responses. I don’t know his name. I don’t know anything about him. It’s a strange turn on, that I was unfamiliar with, but I continued to play along.
TRAPPED [dated: 4/25/2008]
Let Me Out
Let Me Out
Let Me Out
I don’t want to live this way
I promise my love, I will not stray
Let Me Out
Fear not, I promise, I will not bite
Come closer and just let me out
Dare I tell you of my insatiable appetite?
Don’t leave me here – TRAPPED.
BIZARRE PAIN [May 1, 2008]
The bizarre pain I must endure, just so that I can feel alive.
And yet my emotions are so hollow & obscure.
It makes no difference how deep the cut, the next time – I’m not sure I’ll survive.
Here is the first poem he wrote to me. It’s dated May 10, 2008
Deep within the dark of night, the moon stands out with solo light
A silhouette comes to me, it pierces sharp. It beckons me.
Who is this? I dare to say that come with beauty on her way.
She is the night and in her eyes she steals my soul, that’s no surprise until the sun makes morning life.
I am a prisoner of the night.
I returned the communication through this poem. [dated May 11, 2008]
Extraordinary talent you possess
I, too used to create for my master so great
Let me confess, I come to him now in my disguise
Keeping from others and their prying eyes
I wonder could my master see that it is truly me?
[Dated: May 11, 2008]
No my dear and this is true
I wrote that poem just for you, if you think that I’m not right
Click on my space & check my site
but as for now I leave you this…..a pretty picture and a soft wet kiss
[Dated: May12, 2008] Master continued with adding something else to my profile page.
Watching you so carefully
Living life so care free
There is no mask to hide your face
For no one here could take your place.
The sweet allure of your lips have ended all my lonely trip from site to site
I will prevail and love the heart behind the veil
I received this poem on another website that I belonged to. He had a different name there, but I knew it was him.
Do you know why my eyes are here?
To chase away the things you fear
So deep inside of this empty soul finding you has been my goal
Now I have from this day on these eyes
That will watch while I am gone.
He sounds a bit like a stalker, right? I wrote the following on my page. I really sucked at writing. I think when I was really putting in an effort & there was a passion. It soon faded.
Some kittens are very black, it is color that they lack. Others are grey. A kitten may be born with ablaze then grow up only to laze, and may even tend to stray.
This kitten has found a home and will no longer choose to roam for the owner is kind & wise.
Now there will be no more of kitty’s alibis, just curled up by her owner’s feet waiting for that tasty treat.
His reply [May 12, 2008]
Her words come in the night, while she lay asleep with her eyes shut tight
Poems neither Gothic nor deep, she tries to follow master like a lost baby sheep.
I wrote a comment on his profile page. “Who is this master of mine? I know nothing of him other than his work does truly shine.”
He replied of course with a poem. It was after all a poetry site. Although I am not non have I ever been glad with writing like this. I could never write the type of stuff he wrote.
My hair is long to those who know and like my words it doth flow,
but sad am I, who remain hidden. My sorrows great, I am forbidden.
I am to you like no other. You’ll always be the poet’s lover, so close to me is your soul.
My sorrow now doth take their toll. Your words are warmth for me tonight.
I sleep in the mist and say goodnight.
Sadly, I couldn’t keep up the writing. It was too difficult to write like that. Although I wished I could have kept it up. I started to do what I always do. Drift away. However he continued to write me poems.
[May 14, 2008]
I took the time to say good day. I only wish I could stay long enough to keep you near & keep away the things you fear.
[May 15, 2008]
Blue rose, Blue Moon. Blue rose be the month of June. Should you fade or should you pass, Blue rose be the one to last.
[May 17, 2008]
My dear sweet lady, don’t ever drift. It’s your kind words my heart doth lift. I shall never leave you nor would I dare try.
If you were not with me, my love would not die.
I’d wait til the dawn would shine no more, til there were no more days still i’d wait one more.
I’ll be with you now as I would even then til time started over to be with you again.
[May 17, 2008] I wrote the following, when I noticed that “Master” had other female students. He was like a little poetry butterfly. And my issues kicked into high gear. I had a temper tantrum.
I hope that your day was complete, kept all your activities discreet
You enjoy this game we play, I see it is difficult for you to keep away
Don’t misunderstand, I find your attention oh so grand.
I bid Master a good night and visit you again in mornings light.
“Master” wrote only two more poems to me.
My dearest love, my soft furry friend.
I give you this thought, so don’t let it end.
This horse with the wings and with the horse live a wizard or so legend warns.
They’re yours to gaze at whenever you dream.
Their presence are good but this you have seen I made a new friend, one that you know.
I’ll teach this one too, so it will show but your inspiration will help her learn faster, like it has done me.
Your friend & your master
My last writing to Master on this Passionate Gothic Poetry site.
Master, I do not share well and now choose to rebel
You go – preach
You go – teach
Master’s farewell poem.
Torturous times of my life have gone by.
I think of that night, why did she die.
The sorrow I’ve felt since she’s been gone.
Oh why has my life lasted this long.
I sometimes dream I see her face just to wake in my own disgrace
I could have been there to stop that man
I tried so hard but instead I ran
Though haunting thoughts I see once more. I wake and find her at my door.
My love how did you return to me?
She took my hand, said You’ll see.
I walked with her on that night and there I finally made things right
When at last I saw that man, his face was mine.
That’s who I am
You came for me, though I murdered you.
She said love is forever, now you’re dead too.
I couldn’t believe I still had all them. Written on pieces of loose leaf paper. He did have an amazing talent for writing Gothic poetry. I was a bit envious of that talent. I wonder what ever happened to him. I didn’t use his screen names, in case he’s out there somewhere. It’s true what they say, “seduce the mind first and the body will follow.”
Do you think the stigma against mental health is beginning to fade compared to 10 years ago?
It’s been my recent experience that there is some stigma with mental health. However, when it comes to some friends & family, it seems to be easier for them to make reasons or excuses, allowances for me to “be” the way I am. It wasn’t my fault, it’s the way my parents treated me and so on.
I still will not tell the outer circle of friends. I think if I said “oh by the way, I’m bipolar or have schizophrenia.” There might be more of a stigma with those than with BPD. My opinion is that since I’m higher functioning, seemingly well and can be the fun chick. Most seem to overlook it, like it’s no big deal. Not to sound mean, but because I tend not to be emotionally unstable in public, people don’t seem to be bothered with me being “different.”
When I first stumbled upon this whole “mental illness” blogging category. I realized there are millions of people with a mental illness. Some suffer from mild depression to some stuff I’ve never heard of. And most people I talk to have some form of “dysfunction” to me that’s an illness. It’s like its the new cool thing to have a mental illness of some kind. Whether it’s addiction, depression, BPD, PSTD. I do think that society might view some illness as “cooler” than others. Like having Anti-social Personality Disorder, I think that would make people feel uneasy when they fully understood it. Another is schizophrenia, I think that one fills people’s minds with the homeless person pushing the cart with foil paper on their head and talking to themselves about government plots.
I think in another 10 years, it won’t be as it is today. More education, more people talking about their stories will help to ease the current stigma of mental illness. Mental illness is just now of one those diseases, illness, sickness that pretty much everyone has. There might even be those out there who don’t even know they are sick with a mental illness.
Keep in mind the above are merely my personal opinions on the subject of mental health stigma.
Yeah..its is..time for a change.
As the autumn season approaches, I tend to embrace my dark side. I tend to go out more…looking for the next big thrill. Of course I tend to get into more trouble this way and by the end of the Holiday season, its run its course and I am back to wishing for Spring to arrive.
I have an attitude, I always try to bury it. That rebellious, defiant fuck you kiss my ass attitude. This is where I am now. I wanted to run & hide a few weeks ago, maybe I just had to lick my wounds, refocus and regroup myself. So, here I am.
Since my first year anniversary is fast approaching, I look back and wonder why I started this blog in the first place. It was a place where I could just write for me, not anyone else. If someone reads it, great. If not, no worries, I just keep on typing. I had emotions that I was going through back with I first started this blog. It helped a bit, then I stopped and worried about what others thought about what I wrote. Now, I don’t care. I have learned a bit more about extending myself this past weekend. I learned I don’t like refection, then again who does? So, here is my new blog layout and I am back to embracing another part of who I am. Love me or leave me….to put it bluntly.
- These tips will help define your blog’s target audience (thenextweb.com)
- Changing seasons (onbeingmindful.wordpress.com)