Go on and tell me lies, but hold me tight

I had been desperately trying to get back in to the habit of taking photos.

I remember reading Molly’s writing on why she took photos of herself and how she started it due there was another women who was taking nude photos of herself. Bottom line the photos were to boost self-esteem, create body positive awareness. I guess not to be afraid of sharing the photos, let the inner person shine through.

Those of us that take part in taking photos of ourselves and share them online, have a process that we do. Well I do. It’s no biggie if I’m just using my iPhone to snap a quick shot of myself. Otherwise my house has to be empty, unless I’m taking night photos. I have my music playing in the background to set my mood. That’s a must have-music! And I have to be in the right frame of mind. I seeing a pattern of dark moody portraits more often. Not sure why, I do like taking those better. Mr. Sam keeps telling me that I need to smile more in my photos and he keeps telling me to push myself to do more.

When did I gain all this weight? I weigh the same but holy fuck the fat is slipping out everywhere. No wonder why women have melt-downs. It’s difficult to compete with others online. Sure I’m not suppose to be comparing myself to others, but I do. After taking this last set of photos I don’t want to take anymore. Sure I can take photos of others, landscapes, animals anything but ME! Who the fuck wants to see what I see in the photos. Gross.

I have started to work out, walking and cycling everyday. As much as my knee will allow me too. I know it’s not going to happen over night, the losing weight part. As part of me doesn’t even care anymore. I ask myself I was doing this all for an emotional high and if this isn’t giving me one I guess if its time to move on to something else.

What hurt me tonight is when I took the photos, I sent them to my Beloved and to Mr. Sam. I sent the originals because they always ask for them and then the edited photos. This time I got nothing. Mr. Sam is having attitude because I told him I’ll be going out tomorrow night. Lately he has shown signs of jealousy. My Beloved isn’t fond of my dark moody portraits. When I said how fat I looked there was no response. It took all I could not to scream at him to call him mean things but I got my Borderline issues under control. He knew to give me space until I can process the ugliness that I feel now. I count on both of them to love me for the crazy wild chick that I am. To give me some feedback, but when I didn’t get it this time and that’s what’s bothering me right now.

Neither one of them will lie to me, neither one of them has so far. Sometimes I wish they would lie about how I look, tell me I’m not fat. But they know that I would yell at them “stop lying!” Tomorrow I hope that I’m over this emotional hump and continue with my workouts.

I like this photo below, there’s something about it that speaks to me.

My first Peekaboo Bra

Thanks to a follower for this gift. My very first peekaboo bra. I love the color. It’s blue with lots of glitter. I could have gone without the glitter. It doesn’t fit like I had hoped. I guess my boobs aren’t as big as I thought. The bra also came with matching panties. I haven’t decided yet it I’m gonna use that photo, we’ll see. I might end up taking another one better, ya never know, right?!

I greatly appreciate the gifts that I am given. I love it when I look in the mailbox and see that there are packages for me.

Thanks again for present!

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Nyctophilia

The definition of Nyctophilia is the love of darkness or night or feeling like you belong in the dark. This usually applies to those who often feel sadness. .

There are times when I feel the darkness. It’s my darkness though, I do love the night. But there is also a part of me that likes to be inside before the light of day. There is a certain time during the night that scares me.

I love the lights, the beat of the night, the night sky. The peacefulness of the night-time is soothing.

Nyctophilia, a to z challenge, sassycat3000, night time, prisma

The Hunky Hairy Hipster

While at my favorite watering hole, a friend of mine was there sporting his normal “man bun.”  I had always been envious of his long wavy locks and I have always had a thing for men with long hair. However, this young man is too young for me to ever think about in only other way.

I asked him if I could take his photo for this challenge.

He seemed very unsure of himself and is a very sensitive young man.

I tried to get him to relax, but the more I spoke to him the more he became nervous. I really like this photo. I haven’t heard his opinion yet, hope he likes it.

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