What are My Strengths? [BFMH]

So what are my character strengths? It’s always difficult to answer these type of questions. I got help with this and took a very intense questionnaire to get the following results. Starting with my top strength, the following are my top 5.

  1.  Humor & Playfulness – Like to laugh and tease, bringing smiles to those that are important. I try to see the lighter side of the situation.  Not sure if this is correct because I don’t always look at the lighter side of intense situations not when it involves me. However, yes, for those in my inner circle I will try to make them laugh because it’s a way for me to cope with the situation and to cope with the fact that my loved one suffering whether emotional, physical or spiritual, etc.
  2.  Judgement, Critical Thinking and Open-Mindedness – Thinking things through and examining it from all sides are important aspects of who I am. I don’t jump to conclusions and I rely on solid evidence to make my decisions. Yes, this is true. I need the facts, just the facts to make my decision about an important situation. I need as much information as I can get and process. However, when I hear the word “judgement”, I think of judging others. Most of my close friends tell me I judge harshly. I try not too, but if someone is making a decision and I have already told them it’s bad, then I judge. Rolling my eyes at them, go help them if they try to share their shit with me after the damage has been done.
  3.  Capability to Love and Be Loved – I value close relations with others, those in which sharing & caring are reciprocated. The people I feel closest to are those people who feel closest to me. True. I ask myself a lot what is love because there are times I feel numb. I doubt that the feelings I have felt for others is love, friendship. However, I will not tolerate a one-sided relationship of any kind. I will end it if I feel I am giving of myself (too much) and getting nothing in return. I may not contact my close friend daily  but when they reach out, I am always there for them.sassycat3000, latina, mental health, emotional, moody, black and white brunette, depressed
  4.  Social Intelligence – I am aware of the motives & the feelings of other people. I know what to do to fit into different social settings and I know what to do to put others at ease. Yeah, this is true. However, I can go deep into this topic. First thing that came to me, is that I want to fit in and belong to a group. When I don’t get that right away I find it challenging to make it a goal to fit in. Once I get into the group, I tend break from that mold they want their members to fit into and get pushed back out of the group. But by then I no longer am interested in being part of that group. Two; I always say “there is a motive for every human action.” I want to know what’s pushing them to do what they do. Most of the time I can feel what my close friends are feeling, I try to turn the tables so they can then see it from the other side. However, most of the time I can’t do this for myself. I need someone to turn the table for me.
  5.  Honest, Authenticity and Genuineness – I am an honest person. Not only by speaking, but by living an authentic & genuine life. I am down to earth and without pretense. I am a “real” person. I would disagree with this one. I am honest with it benefits me. I can be brutally honest to where I unintentionally hurt the other persons feelings.  I do not live a truthful, authentic life. I did once upon a time, now I’m lying to myself and others.

The Mental Torment of A Lustful Wife

Spending the NYE with Mr. Sam and it was all fun until he asked,

“Can I see you tomorrow for a little?”

I replied with “are you seriously asking to see me tomorrow?”

“Yes is that ok?”

“No I don’t normally leave my house on Sunday.”

“Ok.”

“Thanks for understanding.” 

He replied “I said ok not that I understand.”

And with that statement I felt fearful. Fearful for how this could end in the future. For one of those men who will do anything and I mean anything to keep me from leaving. Whether it’s through emotional manipulation or physical violence.  He sounded like he may be joking but the truth often comes out in jest.copyright2016@sassycat3000.net, Borderline, BPD, moody, unstable relationships, empty.

I also thought that how I do things so that people will like me, not to leave me and accept me. But the rational part of my brain tells me different. The mental torment in my mind is overwhelming. I also think that it’s so unfair for me to put this all on my Beloved. Because he is the one who will end up “fixing” my fuck up. Borderline people don’t mean to hurt their loved ones its just something that happens due in most part to their impulsive behavior. When the borderline is accepting to feed their ego, things get out of control fast.

I want the sex from Mr. Sam, but not at the cost of my home security. But I still want the sex. To feel the heat from his body, to feel each forceful thrust, to smell him, taste him. I wanna feel all those chemicals released in my brain, to feel high from the sex.

But pain and disloyalty I would cause my Beloved would break my heart. He doesn’t deserve this treatment from me, he’s done everything to please me, to accept me and mostly to love me.

READ MORE ABOUT Mr. SAM HERE

I just have to figure out how to get out of this mess I created for myself. Discreetly, gracefully. And mostly I don’t want to hurt Mr. Sam. He’s a fragile, kind and thoughtful person. He does have a good heart. Maybe misguided, misunderstood he’s still a human being with feelings.

He is hard to get a read on, most men I can figure out rather quickly not Mr. Sam. Perhaps that’s why I cant let him go. The need to find out what makes him tick is strong. Ugh. WTF! Someone just kick me in the head.

 

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

  • The inability to say NO. Borderlines are afraid to say no out of fear of rejection, judgment.
  • Relationships: A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  • Attachment fears.
  • Addiction to chaos and drama.
  • Lying and deceitfulness, mixed messages, self-contradicting.
  • Self-sabotage.

 

[I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2017 (2014 Project). I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma].

Getting a Bit out of Control

Since I’ve become acquainted with Mr. Sam I have been at the bar more and more. It’s an excuse for me to be out, to drink and to visit with him. Charlie created specific appearance for me to have while at the bar, he accomplished this without me being aware of what he was doing. Recently I have crawled outside the box he designed for me.
Now I have a choice. I can stay inside that box he designed for me or I can be the apparent semi-slutty wild chick I’ve behaved like.
I’m leaning more towards the second because I’ve already been behaving that way. So much so I think I have been labeled now. Labeled by Charlie’s crew, its like they understand the cat is away and the kitty is left all alone. They forget I’m married. FUCK I forget I’m married. When I’m home now, he is loving, understanding and gives me that tender love he thinks I want or need to keep me from straying. He says “I love you” a lot more. He praises me a lot more, but not in a way that makes it obvious to me. Because he does it more when I’ve returned from the bar.
My BPD symptoms have been thrust into over drive regarding Mr. Sam. I noticed that he has several Facebook profiles. Why? Why does one need that many? He only has a few family members on each one. There’s always been something about him I couldn’t quite place my finger on, but when he told me his secret, I felt that some relief. But starting last night, I can’t help with think …

WHAT THE FUCK am I doing!!!!????
Since I met you I’ve been crazy
Since I’ve been with you I’ve been lost
You make everything see hazy
Love comes with such a cost
Have I lost my mind?……..Follow Me Down by The Pretty Reckless.

This song played out in my head today. I feel crazy when I’m with Mr. Sam.
There is so much about him I don’t know. Yet I’m not afraid yet I feel no trust. It’s not like there are people who can vouch for him here. He doesn’t know anyone here.
What man says “we have a connection” with in a few months or even weeks of knowing each other. Yes, I feel it, like we have been acquaintances at the bar.
Asking me how I feel about him, telling me he will wait for me and that he is happy with having me in my current circumstances. Talking about love as if is was that simple.
Is it that simple?

Someone tell me..is it? Or I am simply mad?

READ ABOUT MR. SAM FROM THE BEGINNING
Being a person with Borderline, I truly don’t know what love is. I know the concept of loyalty, a version of love I was sold to believe by Walk Disney. I’m too emotionally unstable now. Thoughts swirling around in my head, trying to process what I felt about Mr. Sam. Is what I’m feeling love or lust? Or is it the symptoms of my illness I act impulsively, acting out in risky behaviors. Like unsafe sex, stranger sex and sex that feels so good you get addicted to it.

borderline meltdown, sassycat3000, mental illness, emotional, latina blogger
Over the past few weeks, Mr. Sam has come out to see me while I’m out. We always end up in my car, talking and then making out. No sex. Lots of kissing and lots of talking. I can’t believe I’m even sharing this here, but…but I think this may be important for my future story sharing and my sex life. Because I think Mr. Sam is stirring things up in me that have been stagnant. Not saying that life with my Beloved isn’t fulfilling, but sometimes its dull & boring for me. I’m sure it is for him, but we are like most couples in the sense we accept that we have different likes & needs in this area. This is another story for another time.
Mr. Sam seems like that type of man who loves hard, who also has an issue with letting someone go when they wanna leave. Which I think could be dangerous for me and my life. But there is still something about him that draws me in. He’s a dark and broken soul. But part of him scares me, especially when he wants a solid yes or no answer that I have feelings for him. The fact he can be happy with this arrangement. What kind of man does that? Weird thing is he hasn’t pushed the sex issue at all, he jokes about it. It’s mostly sexual innuendo. There is no pressure for me to have sex with him.
I think he has deep seeded issues that I am trying to see. Why? Why the fuck do I care? And this leads up to being at the bar where Charlie & I used to hang out at. Meeting Mr. Sam there has brought a lot of attention to me. The guys treat me differently, trying to feel me up, making sexual comments to me.  But its only when they have been drinking but never a serious threat towards me. That’s the other thing that pulled me down, those rumors that I’ve heard about me. That I am “seeing” Mr. Sam on the side, having an affair. Ok, sure I admit kissing him and being attracted to him, but I’m still on the fence about fucking him or even carrying on with him. I’m not saying no to the idea but not yes either. Just riding with it for now.
But the rumors are by the PHG because a few of them have seen us together during the week. We were being antisocial to the others. Only because of the lies that were told by one of them about Mr. Sam. I’m not sure about all the shit either. FUCK. All this fucking shit pulled me down a well of darkness. Crying all day. I couldn’t stop at the end of the day, then I couldn’t sleep either. I haven’t been like this in months. I feel so lost that I scheduled an appointment with my counselor for this week. I haven’t had a session with her since my first informal diagnosis.  That should say something about this meltdown I had yesterday. That I’m reaching out for a direction in which I should go,  for an answer to why the fuck I’m doing this. Part of me thinks I’m trying to replace Charlie, to fill the chaos and drama with my own instead of his.  Make sense?

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

  •  Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days. (Anger is the current mood I’m feeling stemming from the rejection).
  • Feeling like others are out to get you. Paranoid Thoughts.
  • Believing that You should not feel this way. Self-invalidating thoughts.
  • Unstable Relationships. A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.

 

There’s Always a Motive with Charlie

I figured since I made it past Halloween that he was gone from my life. Most sociopaths leave after they have used up all the resources of their current victim. However, we have a strange bond I have yet to put my finger on. Being involved with a sociopath is a difficult and strenuous game. I would not recommend playing this game at all. It’s too easy to lose direction, your goal and most important your sanity. I have been sick for about 4 weeks now. Coughing most of the night, not sleeping well. I heard my phone vibrate, since I was already awake I figured I would look at it.

The text was from Charlie

“don’t know me still??!!

I know you! wassup?

mhmmm. wtf u been doing? not talking to me i know that much. but anything else interesting?

I figured you were busy.

(I lied) nothing interesting, just been sick the last few weeks. wassup with you besides drama?!

lol IDGAF everyone’s always in my biz but they always twist it up.

that’s the truth. what I hate is folks telling me about your shit. like one of your exes telling me you gave her your new number.

aha. she never used it. thing is that folks always add on to the story they tell about me.

true again. the stories are never boring for sure.

oh no?! why would they be that? hafta make juicy.

tacos tomorrow?!

it’s what we used to do, back in the day. then onto drinks, partying all long and running & gunning.

mmm tacos. not sure. I have other commitments (which I do, every night).

ahhh well just saying. well let me know when u can get away then…love to hang out with you again.”

Here is where I begin to see some of the motivation behind his contact.  The holidays soon approach, I was the one who can most relate to his loneliness and despair during the holiday season. I also know that he must be without a current victim. Someone who he calls, sucks up to to get what he needs & wants. Whatever that might be at the time. Otherwise he wouldn’t be texting me.

“it would be fun hanging with you too. but don’t think i would be able to anytime soon. we are so dysfunctional.

well, duh!!! well i’m sure u can work it out. U ALWAYS do!!!

true. but I’m trying to be responsbile. aren’t you working?

yup. i’m here. tired, bored and hungry.

Anything else new with you, that i don’t know about?

all about US!!! DUH

yes it is. there is always motivation behind all of our selfish actions. blog for mental health

This is where I let him know that I am aware of his selfishly motivated need to reach out to me. He wants or needs something from me, but what that is I am not sure of yet.

naaa. nothing really new. just working on that old case from C. (the crazy cunt, i call her). I hired a new lawyer.

oh. that case isn’t closed yet?! damn almost a year now.

nope. ain’t closed yet. they wanna gimme 1-3 and i ain’t going to the joint because of some crazy bitch.

(He sends me a photo of himself & a new girl in costume from this past Halloween).

oh your new girl? how cute.

nah just a friend.

i aint your momma or wife aint gotta lie

FRIEND! she already told me i’m too flirty with everyone so she could never be with me

you can wear her down, if you wanted too. if you go to jail, i’ll write you! lol

lol better come SEE me! yeah and u know babe, THAT’s too much work for me to try & wear them wear down

I ain’t driving more than 50 miles! lol there is always another one standing in line behind her.

EXACTLY!

ppl like us always have our next victim ready, move on to the next after bleeding the first dry.

This is my way of letting him know I still remember what he’s all about. How he acts, how he thinks.

lol ain’t gotta put it all like that honey. but it’s true.

it’s what we do and who we are.

I used to think like this, at times I still do. It just really depends on the person. Anymore, it’s just a matter of time before they leave my life. There are few actual friends that I have remaining in my life, for whatever the reason. I’ve been told on numerous occasions that I’m mean, heartless and at times manipulative. I will remain loyal to those friends who are in my life. I will do what I can, when I can. I will always be there for them when I can. It’s those others who for some reason, don’t click with me are the ones that don’t remain in my life.

ah well, guess it is what it is. just know i’m done with that love shit! never worked for me! see you should come out here to the parking lot…dark… secluded and i miss your lips!!!

And here we are! the admission of never longer looking for love and waiting me to visit him. His offering of a hint of what he thinks I crave & desire from him.


This is an old post that I found buried in my drafts folder. This was last year around this time. We started falling apart after this time period. As long toxic and dysfunctional relationships we couldn’t seem to let go of each other until we had no choice in the matter. Sadly, I keep thinking I can replace him with someone. How twisted is that?! Like most recovering junkies I’m trying to find another fix, but there isn’t one. This is all part of the insanity, torn in two.

I have written the end to this chapter of Charlie.

So ends the Chapter of Charlie

It was a Thursday evening when I walked into the water hole. He was sitting in the corner where he always does. I walked over to him, hugged him and kissed him on the cheek.
“What’s up babe, what brings you out?”
“Nothing. Just needed to get out for some air.”
Since our relationship had been on a gradual decline we don’t have much to say to each other. I sat next to him, we sat there together silently. I watched him anxiously look at his phone every few seconds. “Hey, let’s go to Bud’s Bar.” He had mentioned trying to hang out at a new place since we have burnt out our old place. “Sure, why not?” We walked out and headed over to Bud’s Bar. I knew the bouncer there. We would joke with others that we were related, it was a result from an inside joke. I figured that Auggie wasn’t working because it was a weekday evening.

Charlie & I walk in, there is Auggie sitting next to a beautiful blonde woman. I smiled and laughed, walking to him, giving a big hug. I introduced him to Charlie as my brother. Charlie went off in a stern voice “He’s NOT your brother, you’re an only child. We’ve known each other since we were kids and we NEVER mentioned a brother.” “Oh, for fuck sake.” I was kind of embarrassed by his behavior. Normally I don’t get that way with him, but this time he was different. Very stressed.

I drink alone

“We need to talk.” I knew I needed to get a few things cleared up with him. I needed the closure from him. Our relationship was no longer what either one of us wanted. We weren’t happy with each other anymore. The gossip, the acquaintances and the bullshit had taken its toll on our remaining connection as friends. We both knew we wouldn’t have sex again. We knew I was too afraid of catching something from him. Sex was taken off the table, but the friendship remained and now was in jeopardy too.

“Why did you leave me?”

“I didn’t leave you! I have all this shit to take care of. Babe you know I’ve been stressing on this court bullshit.”

“You left me, without a word. You stopped talking to me.”

“You told me that if I started up with CC again, you wanted no part of me, so if you call what I did leaving then I guess I did. But that is all on you. You wanted it that way.”

“OMG! You’re gonna try to blame your absence on me? Fuck you. Just let me go, I need to hear it from your lips. Tell me we are finished. Done. Over and I no longer need to be concerned with you.”

“You released from all obligations. We are done.” We both sat there silently, processing what just happened between us. I felt relief and sadness. I knew this could be the last time I see him. CC almost succeeded in killing him once, she might complete the job next time. His phone rings, he answers “Ok, Ok. Yes I’m here.” He looks at him “CC is on her way here, thought you should know. You can stay if you want to, but I can’t sit with you. You know she’ll flip out.”

“Oh yes and we can’t have that now can we? I’m glad she will take wonderful care of you.”

We stood there. Looking into each other’s eyes, I think we both knew it would be the last time for a long time, if ever. We didn’t hug each other. Just stood there. It’s like we both couldn’t do it. For whatever the reason we didn’t.

About two weeks afterwards, I was at the water hole when I was approached by damn near everyone there asking about his court date. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I knew he was there. All alone with his thoughts, demons to haunt him during the night. Months have gone by since then, a few barflies ask me about Charlie but I always respond the same way “I know nothing.” Last weekend I talked to some friends of ours, he told me that Charlie told him he had cancer. I stood there numb. There has been no confirmation of this piece of information I have. I heard he lost everything he owned. He was fired from his job, he was sleeping in a spare bedroom of friends, until they tired of him bringing different girls over their house. All the girls they mentioned I already knew of. I wasn’t upset, thrilled to death we didn’t have sex in the past few years he was back in my life.

I have been hunting for a replacement for Charlie, but that’s silly. However, being someone who have the tendencies to be addicted to drama, booze and other substances I want someone who I can watch so I do not have to get too close to the flame of destruction. I told myself that I will only go there a few more weeks. Then after the holidays I will lie low for a while, maybe reappear in February 2017. Put my energy where it belongs, here on this blog and in my home.

I will end the Charlie chapter here. If you want to read more about Charlie, there are several posts about him that are floating around my site.

Why are we even friends on Facebook? [bfmh2016]

Recently had a set back with my borderline issues. These symptoms run deep, now active due to my phase of low self-esteem, from gaining weight, losing most of my muses and Charlie’s time away. (acknowledging my vulnerable factors or the triggers that pushed me).Grey-haired man at the pool hall

I have been included with a small group of patrons at my watering hole. Slowly I have been accepted into their little group. I’m always leery when things like this happen, I always think that they are wanting something from me, whatever that may be. I’m not sure what to do or how to act. It’s showtime. Time to turn into the  “trained monkey.” That person they point at and say “OMG…look Cat’s dancing on the tables again” or “Cat, is so much fun, invite her to the party!”

I’ve tried to keep my distance from them for a while because of my fear of rejection, not knowing how to act in their group. When they started inviting me to their birthday parties, dinners and out for drinks I agreed to attend. I wanted to be part of something. Who doesn’t? However, being part of a group like this can be tricky to maneuver through. Eventually they started friend requesting me on Facebook, which is ok. Until one of them, Sam found me here. So far he has not posed any cause for alarm. My only fear is that Sam reads this or any other writings that refer to him or the group.

I have noticed that Sam, even though he is fairly new to the group seems to have jumped the ranks and is in the inner circle. I wonder how this is possible. Is it because he’s a guy? Maybe there is something else going on behind the scenes. Sam is a friendly & nice guy, new to the area …. but there is something about him that I just can’t put my finger on. He’s tall, average to slender build with salt & pepper hair. There is a story behind him & I, which I will try to explain later.

But first let me tell you about the borderline issues that are at work here.Friend Cod Dinner

A week ago the group all went out for dinner, I got a little out of hand. I did some things that haunt me. My behavior was not the greatest, now that Charlie isn’t around I’m acting out more than ever. I used to think that he was a total ass, but now I see that at those times he was really protecting me from myself. Because without him to balance me out I become even more impulsive, dangerously so. Especially when my feelings aren’t satisfied. I do things that are harmful to myself and my life. Keep an eye open for those future stories.

A few days ago, Sam let me know that T1 & T2 wanted to talk to him. T1 apologized for his behavior that night. However, I didn’t get an apology nor a phone call inviting me to come out with the others like Sam did. That didn’t upset me as much until I noticed that T1 wrote on Sam’s FB wall. Wait. What? I can’t see it?! I should be able to see it, right because I can see something on Sam’s page and T1 is friends with me. Does that mean that T1 has me blocked or in a restricted group that I can’t see his posts? I thought I was part of this little group. I guess I was wrong. This is a  major trigger for me. I’ve been rejection yet I’m suppose to be part of this group. OH! Don’t even get me started on all the back talking and gossip that goes on. I’m sure that my actions on last Friday didn’t help me any.

I decided that if they don’t want me to read their shared posts, they don’t need to see mine. I decided to alienate myself from them. I created a group just for them so that they won’t see any of my posts anymore. I didn’t want to unfriend them because that only causes confrontations and more gossip. I have also decided to avoid them as much as possible. I won’t be going to the pool hall for a while because of my avoidance. Also if any of them invite me out to dinner again I’m planning on declining. I could play it like this…decline the invite yet show up at the bar next door and lie, if they say anything to me. All depends on how I feel on the day.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are

  • Impulsive Aggression: coupled with a highly reactive and unstable affect modulation. Thus, patients with BPD will respond to disappointment and frustrations with intense emotions like rage, fear of abandonment and dysphoria. Then serve to trigger the generation of an impulsive, often aggressive, response to the provocation.  via psychiatrictimes.com
    • Examples: Waking a sleeping partner to yell & scream at them.
      • A BPD woman throwing her partners cell phone because she thinks he’s sexting/cheating with another woman.
      • Destroying a partner’s belongings while they are not at home.
      • Suddenly hitting someone during an argument.
  • Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days. (Anger is the current mood I’m feeling stemming from the rejection).
  • Relationships: A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  • Alienation: The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual’s relationships with others.
  • Push-Pull Syndrome: A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.

Helpful Hints

Keep in mind that loving a Borderline is not for everyone. It’s trying, frustrating and draining, but it can also be one of the most exciting rides of your life. IF you know what to do and what not to do during a “crisis.”

  • First and foremost, talk with your Borderline loved one or bring in a neutral party to aid you if you are unable to successfully. Because you need to know what your Borderline wants, needs and expects.
  • We have a rule in our home that if I have an “outburst” neither one of us can leave the home. We can however can retreat to different areas of the house until I calm down or when I am ready to talk in a civil manner.
  • If you are in a public place I would suggest making sure your Borderline loved one is safe and I would remove myself from the situation. Especially if you know that you will or can get “sucked” in to a type of circular conversation which could lead to the Borderline to act impulsively and aggressively.
  • Try to explain to the best of your ability what and why you are leaving.
  • Speak in a calm voice. That always works for me when I’m overly exciting. Being overly excited and trying to calm another overly excited person down just non-productive.
  • For the Borderline, ask yourself if what you are about to do can wait until tomorrow. It’s difficult when the emotions run fast & high. Try to think of the outcome to your decision or action.

Do you have any suggestions that you think might help in keeping the symptoms in check? Perhaps you do something that works great for you, I would love to hear it.

Letting My Darkness Win

Today is just one of those days. I feel nothing. Should I feel something? I look in the mirror & see a monster, a freak…something that should never see the sunlight. So for now I’ll hate myself & play in my darkness.

I’ve slacked off on my blogging. I’ve slacked off on all my chores. I come up with all sorts of excuses as to why shit is not done.

My weight has spiraled out of control. “STOP bitching!”

I tell myself…”get up off your fat lazy ass and do something about it!”

Yeah in my head I can see myself doing the exercises, I see that beautiful body I want. Self defeat overcomes me before I even start.

Where the fuck am I going with this? Completely lost direction-again!

I finished my classes. Have another job. Where?!?! Working at a Halloween store. It’s actual work! Omfg! All that standing, walking. My back can’t take this shit. I’m sure there are other people out there that feel & suffer a lot more than I do. I have no right to complain. Do I? Not sure, what or how to feel.

My darkness is like those comfortable old pair of jeans.

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