Feeling Out of Sorts [BFMH2016]

Tonight I was in the mood to have an adult beverage. I like going after work, stopping in with the work crowd. I seemed some out spaceytonight, Astro got a bit annoyed with me with I dropped the darts off the table. I’m not normally out of sorts. Not sure why I was, but I know that the alcohol hit me quick. I only had two bottles and then I left for home.henrys hard soda, alcohol, the bar

Before I left. A guy walked into the joint, I thought for a moment I thought it was Charlie. But then I remembered that Charlie is away at camp. This guy sat in the same spot that was reserved for Charlie. He spoke to Charlies old crew. I asked a friend of a friend “Who is that guy? I’ve hadn’t seen him in here before?” One of the friends says “that’s Charlie.”

I said nothing, just sat there for a second. Then the other friend said “No that’s not Charlie, he’s away at camp. He’ll be there for a while.” Again I’m sitting there spaced out, missing Charlie and wishing I would have told him that I was sorry. Why does it always end up that way? The last time is always the worst time, ending a relationship on a horrible note. Anyway, has my mind is wandering in that last moment Charlie & I were together Stan walks up to me.

Stan is an older gentleman who went down hill when his wife passed away last year. He couldn’t seem to keep it together. He is a really sweet old guy. He taps me on the shoulder and asks “How’s your brother? Is he still at camp? No way for him to get out, huh? Going to stay there for a long time, huh? He’s a good guy but made some bad decisions.” Now the one friend who said that Charlie was away also had a brief fling with him. She had been one of my replacements when I was taking a break from him. She is seriously a broken chick. She has talked to me, helped me take a mutual friend home because she was too drunk to drive. But at no time did I ever tell her who I am.

Everyone in the bar treats me differently than the others. Charlie’s other girls never stayed very long. But I’m the one everyone knows, who gets the respect of being Charlie’s girl. God how I miss his toxic behavior in my life. And I only miss it because his behavior kept me grounded. Grounded you say? Well in the way that Charlie acted out for the both of us and then I didn’t have to. I didn’t have to put my life on the line, by acting out impulsively. Sure I did with Charlie, the sex, the drugs, the booze and the running game and hustle. I was kept close to him, I felt safe in a twisted way. I guess that’s way I miss him. He’s the crazy part of me, always running. But when I get tired, exhausted and want to try to be normal I go home. Where I hide myself from the world.

As I sat there in the bar, I looked around at the people sitting there. Decided the best thing for me right now would be to go home. And so I did.

[Even though the “Blog for Mental Health” meme has been disconnected I continued to share…I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.]

Insulting & Devaluing Charlie [BFMH2016]

Earlier during the day I had dealt with my ex husband and with Charlie. My  ex didn’t really have much of an effect on me. I only deal with him once a year at our grandsons birthday party. He talks, I talk, he talks some more and I laugh about him when the party is over. BUT Charlie is a different story. When I’m with Charlie or around him I turn into someone I don’t always like being. This time was one of those times.

I had stopped off at the watering hole because my friend had text me that she was there having a drink. When I sat down she mumbles “Charlie is here. He’s playing the machines.” Then another guy came up to me whispering “hey Charlie is at the machines.”Keeping Him Company

Charlie came up from behind me and hugged me, kissing my cheek. I have been hurt lately since I have felt rejection from him the last few times we hung out together. I know he doesn’t like his girls to be overweight. Hell I hate myself when I’m overweight. I have been for the past few months. That’s why I haven’t been taking photos or writing. The mental issues I have hit me pretty hard in the past few months.

Back to Charlie…I don’t know why I treated him so badly this most recent time I’ve seen him. Probably because I’m tired of his lies, mistreatment of me and angry with myself for allowing him to do what he does to me. I tell myself “Not this time.” Then I get caught up in his drama all over again. That day I rode the Fatboy to the bar, a few of the crew had to go and look at it. He walked out with them. I yelled “Don’t look at it, don’t even get near it, don’t touch it or even ask to sat on it.” Why I yelled this at him, is because his custom chopper was taken back by the bank for failure to make payments. He has lost his house, marriage, kids, boat, motorcycle, truck, job…because of the booze, drugs, gambling and whoring around. I had to rub all that in. Why? Because I was (am) hurt. I want him to hurt like he hurt me. He bad mouthed me to his family, they no longer speak to me. He uses me, lies to me. Why? That’s what he does. He does this to everyone, not just me. But I can’t handle the rejection from him. I hate the way I feel when he’s not in my life but I know he’s toxic for me.

I bad mouthed him in the bar to his friends. Something that has always been against our playtime rules. He hates being treated like that, because he’s so insecure on the inside. I know most of his weakness, the buttons to push to get specific reactions. I kept it up. I was running my mouth. Charlie doesn’t confront me like he does his other girls. Those girls get worse than I ever get. He gets physical, verbal with them but not with me.

Charlie kept trying to make eye contact with me. For of the time I refused to look him in the eyes. I know that if I do, I’m done. His brooding eyes have a way of pulling me in to his abyss. There was some small talk going on around us. He sat in the corner with someone in the middle of us. It was uncomfortable for both of us. I really don’t know why I was distant from him, the last time we were together was when I had too much to drink. Maybe because we crossed over the line.

You can read about our earlier time together here.

SpentI couldn’t help but to think about all the lies and bullshit he’s put me through. Telling every one else about his business, but leaving me out in the cold. I was drinking and getting more angry with every sip. Mostly I kept telling about all the lies, how he thinks I’m stupid and wont find out. So with that I started to become mean, vicious and assaulting him verbally both directly & indirectly.

I wanted him to feel the pain & hurt that I was feeling. I just kept on him about how he is just a little bitch. Something I know gets to him, I know he’s insecure inside. He’s that scared little boy with deep scars. I continued to scratch and tear at his scar tissue until he decided to call one of his girls to come pick him up. He said he had to go to his mothers to help her mow the lawn, that’s how I knew that I had gotten to him. His mother lives in a condo with lawn service, the folks in the bar didn’t know that but I do.

He said his goodbyes to the bar patrons and walked out the door. He said nothing to me. His friends looked at me with question marks on their faces. He & I are so close, he would never leave without saying goodbye to me like he did. I yelled “See! WTF?!” As I sat there composed, but in my mind the madness swirled around. He walked back in…”I need to say goodbye to you…I knew that if I left without saying goodbye, you would talk about me behind me back.” The small crowd of patrons around me looked in shock. I almost cried at the moment. Someone said “Yeah she had already started talking about you!” He answered “Yeah, I figured. She can be mad all she wants but we still love each other.” I jumped off the bar stool, turned to hug him “I love you, asshole.”

“I love you too.” he replied.

He walked back out the door. This was the last time I saw Charlie. As autumn approaches his life slowly begins to spiral down ward to a dark place. I heard that he has been 86’ed from coming to what used to be “our bar.” I heard he is back on the street again. I think of him often, with each time I hope I will see him again. Yet, deep inside my soul I know that seeing him again would only bring heartache.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.
  • Urges to lash out; the desire to get even or take revenge on someone who hurt you. You may want them to feel the pain & hurt you’re feeling.
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger.

Drive Me Crazy

Last night I went out with Charlie. I needed to feel that feeling again. I knew that I will be off work for a few days, so I figured last night would be the best.alcohol

We had been texting back & forth through the lies he tells me I still hear his broken soul.

I went to our hangout, he was there playing slots. I almost didn’t recognize him. He looked good. It started out as a quiet boring night, until his friend showed up. Charlie introduced us, but I’ll be damned if I remember his name. He bought several rounds of drinks, but I wasn’t drinking them fast enough. The drinks weren’t tasting right. Too much alcohol or something, yuk. I think I only had like 5 during the night.

“Guy” is 45-year-old was bald with a nose piercing and covered in tattoos. He’s physical body was a bit overweight however, he wasn’t heavy, like fat. He continuously talked to me through the evening, while Charlie was doing whatever he was doing. “Guy” started out classy, however through were statements that he made that sent out little red flags.

My drinking was “lightweight” according to him. I needed to “loosen up,” he said he was attracted to me and being married really didn’t matter. That he could “keep” me, could I accept that offer? Asking questions like …

“What are you going to do with the rest of your night?”

“Will you give us a chance, can you?”

These statements freaked me out but I didn’t show him, because I was much more enjoying watching Charlie’s reaction. At one point he pulled Guy’s chair to the other side of him and mumbled “Keep away from her.”

Guy laughed. “What’s up with you & C? You guys are finished, right? If you wanna be with me, you better fix his  attitude. We’ve been friends since we were young but I’m not gonna deal with his attitude.”

I thought about it for a moment. I thought about keeping Guy around just to hang out with when Charlie drives me crazy. A backup plan. Mostly just to have around to watch Charlie got jealous and keep me company when Charlie is occupied with business.

Through the evening I continued to mull over that idea over in my mind. Then it came to me “This could all blow up in my face! Then what? I could lose everything! My Liege and Charlie, I am unwilling to gamble losing them in my life or hurting My Liege. Charlie. Well we hurt each other all the time, it’s what we do.

Guy continued through the evening to make demands on me by telling me what I need to do or to say. When it came down to his demand of kissing him in the bar. I became a bit nervous. For one thing who were in Charlie’s bar, second I can’t act like a slut in that bar! He looked at me “You had an opportunity to kiss me, why didn’t you take it?” Uh, then he gets upset. The entire time Guy was talking me up Charlie is behind him making faces at me.charlie and the jubebox

I walked up to Charlie when he was at the jukebox “I want to know you’re ok with this, if I decide to follow through with Guy. I know you’re jealous, but you’re the one who fucked us up years ago.”

“I’m not jealous!” I looked him in the eyes with a stern face.

“OK I’m just a little jealous, I know I fucked everything up between us. I know. But still. If you want him, I won’t make a scene.”

I smiled and hugged him. He hugged me back. I had already decided that Guy would be too demanding for my tastes. I don’t chase any man. I don’t have to. When Guy asked me again about spending the night with him and demanding I do it. I finally had enough. I finally said “Bitch, I don’t have to do anything for you or anyone else.”

“You win!’ he replied.

Charlie was standing on the other side of Guy, heard the conversation. I looked at him without saying a word he asks “You leaving?”

I nodded.

“I’ll walk you out.”

I said goodbye to a few people in the bar as I made my way towards the door. Never looking back at Guy. Charlie walks me out “What happened?”

“You know me, he started demanding. And I was just pissed off at you because you fucked us up. I needed someone like you in my life so I wouldn’t have to depend on you for my crazy high on life.”

“Babe, I know I know. I’m jealous. I’m a drunk, a total fuck up. You’ll always be in my life you know that. Sometimes we just need a break from each other when we do get too crazy. I love you, you’ve got a special place in my heart. You of all people should know that. Remember we are both two very selfish people, so ….”

That’s the Charlie I fell in love with years ago. However, being a drunk destroyed his life. I moved on with my life, to a point. I need Charlie to drive me crazy. He keeps me balanced with the sane half of my world. Due to my own personal issues, Charlie is a vessel I use to release my crazy energy in his world so I don’t bring it home.

I drove back to the pool hall. Talked to the bartender, drank a few glasses of water.  Then I headed home to sleep in my bed where its safe & warm, leaving the crazy at the door.

Blog for Mental Health 2016

 

Raw [A to Z Challenge, BFMH2015]

R is for Raw.

I have read in different articles about BPD that there is a problem with how the person regulates their emotions. I have heard it described as “People with Borderline Personality Disorder are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.”Emotional

I never really could relate to it until today. Today is the day my manchild, my youngest son left home again. This time he was returning to his own life that he has built for himself so far away from here. So far away from his family, he knows only his co-workers and a few former classmates. Most his family is all up here, in the north.

He left two years ago at the age of 20, along with his dog “Gru.” She turned 12 last month, getting up there in age. She’s hard of hearing, going blind and doesn’t eat that much anymore. I dread the day he has to put her down. He will feel like I do now. I wish I could spare him that, but it’s all apart of life. LIFE SUCKS [sometimes].

My manchild drove away in his new recently purchased car. Trying to fight the overwhelming anxiety and sadness that I was beginning to feel when I woke up this morning. Knowing all a long that he would be leaving, but I thought we would have more time together. I started to gather some of his belongings, I gathered up a bunch of junk food for him to munch on his 13 hour drive home. I tried so hard to fight back the tears that started to cloud my eyesight. I was unsuccessful.

I fought them back long enough to get some photos of all of us, but I still ended up having a puffy face. When it was time for him to leave, he hugged his father. There were no tears. “Ok Momma, your turn.” He hugged me and I lost it. I cried. I cried some more. When we pulled apart he mutters “Thanks a lot Momma, see what you did?!” He was crying too.

We watched him drive away, I walked into the house and the water works started. My Beloved hugged me, guided me to the sofa and we both sat down as he cradled me. It was a beautiful day which made it even more difficult for me to stop crying. A day that both my manchild & I consider as the perfect day for a road trip. A perfect day for a long distance drive with the music blasting and the open road in front of you.

I cried after I thought about that. I cried pretty much the entire day. It’s now 9 o’clock in the evening and I’m still fighting back the tears. I took a shower an hour ago. As I stood in there, I broke down again. Putting both hands on the wall, feeling the cool water on my back I rested my head on my arm and cried and cried.

I feel RAW.

BURNT. As if I have a severe skin burn.

IN PAIN. Emotional pain.

I have not felt like this since I was a child. Even when he left the first time, I didn’t cry this much. When I was standing in the shower, leaning against the wall, I felt my heart pound. It was painful to breathe. Different people were running through my head, thinking of anyone, someone who could give me that “high” that I need to get over this raw emotional hump. My Beloved has held me and mostly just being with me without saying a word, he’s unable to provide that “high.” I don’t know why either. Then I realized there isn’t anyone anymore that I can count on to get me out of that raw state. I have to do this on my own.

I’m just not used to being this raw, this exposed, in this much emotional pain.

I think by tomorrow I will have a handle on this rawness, this emotional pain. I can now understand and relate to the statement I mentioned above. I would like to say that I’ll never feel like this again, however that is (probably) not being realistic. I can have relationships with people in which I try not to get emotionally attached for this reason. I do not want to feel like this, for love or any other reason. My children are the exception to that rule. It’s difficult not to feel something when it comes to one’s own children. These are the times that my emotions are exposed and raw.

 

What I Learned this Summer [BFMH2014]

I learned that I am not cut out to be a full-time caregiver to a 4 year old.

I learned that if I was a SHM I would have probably gone insane. Wait. I did that with my first marriage. Looking back, I can see where I made the mistakes. SHM’s need an outlet after being surrounded with little people all day.

I started eating too much with not enough activity to burn off the calories. I wasn’t thin before but I wasn’t as big as I am now. I’ve always had weight issues and it’s times like these (babysitting with no me time) that I fall into that pit of self-loathing ideas. I eat too much. I look awful. I’m exhausted all the time. My house looks like a hurricane hit it. Thus causing my patience to be worn thinner than normal.

I learned that my BPD is starting to “kick in,” slowly. The resentment builds, I told my daughter I didn’t want to watch him the entire summer, because I knew I become short-tempered. Looking back, I’m now angry at my daughter for taking advantage of me. I told her to get him pre-school asap. She waited until the 18th. I start work the 14th. My BPD symptoms are just below the surface, I can feel them brewing. I haven’t had an urges to be involved in any risky behavior, however I do count the days until I could if I so desire. Let’s not even talk about sex. Husbands get upset with their wives because they just don’t feel like having sex at the end of the day. This has been a summer of no sex. Wha????? Me????? I’m dying. I want during the day like some kind of junkie, then in the evening I’m fast asleep. There was a few mornings of sex. Blah. Wasn’t feeling sexy, not with morning breath, sleep boogers in my eyes, lol. Curled Angel position works good.

The moodiness and swings are clear along with severe PMS thrown in for fun. I yelled at my spouse for eating all most of the tuna salad but just leaving enough to put on a spoon. I went off on him, He learned early on in our marriage that when I get like that there is something else underneath the surface. He just listened to me – yell. Not directed at him, but just was a super minor peeve that it set me off. Moodiness. My BPD then makes me think that I was an awful mother, shouldn’t be allowed around kids for too long for fear of inflicting them with long-lasting psychological & emotional damage.

I would often look at my daughter and think to myself “Why doesn’t she take pride in herself more?” Well, hell looking after my grandson, husband and trying to do simple chores. I’m whipped. I understand now. I feel mentally beaten . I haven’t brushed my hair in days. Oh don’t get the wrong idea. I shower & wash everyday, but I don’t brush it in the morning. It just gets tied up in a messy bun. No makeup all summer. My daughter picked Pokas up the other night and she says to me “eww your legs are all ashy!” I looked at my legs and thought “OMG. What’s happening to me?!” Yup, didn’t even put any lotion on my body after the shower. No oils, no perfumes – nothing.

My grandson can’t seem to play by himself, he can’t focus for long. He gets easily frustrated, impatient. He always wants me to play with him or to be around him. I don’t mind being around but he wants me directly in his eye sight. He’s like my son’s dog. I turn around on fall over him. UGH. I gave up on doing serious cleaning. My yard work is only half done, because it’s a constant interruption. I can getting some blogging done in between “Peg + Cat and Curious George.”

Today I decided to go to my favorite consignment store to buy some nail polish. Since I have been more active on a social network I realized I had been “neglecting” myself. So now after “Peg + Cat” we will be going to buy some nail polish and a few cheap hair accessories. I also have to shop for my daughter’s birthday gift. Don’t think Pokas will allow me to be in the store for too long. Because he never stops talking. I hate to say that I’m counting the days, but I can’t wait for this to be over.

Nail Color Galore

Nail Color Galore

My babysitting gig is over next week on Tuesday. My daughter is turning 24 on Wednesday and will be spending time with her family. You can bet I will be sleeping in on Wednesday, watching hours of porn and being naked all day, so if I’m not around you know why.

Now it’s time to go swimming.

 

Borderline

When I went to get tested for Attention Deficit Hyper Disorder the Licensed Clinical Psychologist had told me that he thought that I had some of these symptoms but would need more sessions to get a better assessment. It only took one more session to see a pattern from childhood. He did mention that I was “very together.” No trouble with the law, no substance dependency kind of thing. It’s one reason I stopped going to therapy. I wanted to know what was wrong with me, now I can work on fixing me.

I have written a few posts about mental illness while taking part in this year’s Blog for Mental Health Project.  I’ve debated whether I should say anything at all. However, part of me thinks, there’s nothing wrong with me, ya know? I look like everyone else. I seem normal. Yet, I know there are times that I am not normal. I’ve been given excuses for my past behaviors. Oh, you’re just passionate, you’re rebellious and you’re just saying what everyone is thinking. And so on.

Here are a few quotes from a few websites that I like the way it describes Borderline Personality Disorder.

…that centers on the inability to manage emotions effectively.  The disorder occurs in the context of relationships:  sometimes all relationships are affected, sometimes only one….

…While some persons with BPD are high functioning in certain settings, their private lives may be in turmoil. Other disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse and other personality disorders. can often exist along with BPD. National Education Alliance Borderline Personality Disorder

Most people who have Borderline Personality Disorder suffer from:

  • Problems regulating their emotions and thoughts
  • Impulsive and sometimes reckless behavior
  • Unstable relationships

To be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, a person must experience at least five of the following symptoms:

  1. Fear of abandonment or rejection – for me this isn’t so much a problem. I do not fear abandonment or rejection with my spouse. However, others in my life I do feel that they will leave me or reject me. I used to joke about the idea of me having the “fear of rejection” prior to my knowledge that I have this illness. I look back and did some really crazy things to keep people (especially men) in my life. I would do some really crazy shit. I sometimes try to control the other person’s leaving, by pushing them harder to leave. So I can deal with the loss of them in my time.
  2. Unstable or changing relationships – Looking back people tend not to stay long periods in my life. I push them along, quickly. There are few that have stayed in my life over 20 years, however the key is not to be on constant contact with them. My friendships/relationships would spiral into a push-pull relationship. I would push and push and push a man to the edge of his sanity. Just as he was about to fall off the edge of the cliff I will pull him back. I would use anything I could to keep him with me. Even when I knew that we were never meant to be together. I don’t have many female friends. It’s not that I don’t want a group of women that I can hang with its because of insecurities on either or both sides. I can only fit into their mold for so long before I begin to undone.
  3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self – I blame my parents for this. My issues with my body and who I am as a person are up & down. I was always told about “fat” people. Don’t get fat like your mother. No one wants you you’re fat. I heard this from different people in my life as I was growing up & when I got divorced. I don’t have a true sense of who I am. I tend to “fit” in with a group as best I can. I can only think of it as a girdle. Everything is held into place, until I get home and that’s when I let it all hang out. My mother taught me to “use” my assets to get what I want & need. So, my body is really my selling point. Since my main asset is no longer at its prime. I  hit a “mental pothole.”  That’s when I will do whatever I need to do to get the weight off. It can be illegal drugs, weight loss pills, laxatives, exercising for hours. I don’t go to the gym any more,  because I  would hang with the guys from the gym. I got into too much trouble which would led into #4 (below)
  4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Continuing from #3  I would need a way to make myself feel better about me. I would use sex as a method to get “high.” However, in my 20’s I realized that it was a circle. I wasn’t doing any thing different. I would feel worse after I snuck out of their place, car or where ever we were. The high emotion never felt the same. I was always chasing it. The wild sex adventures is what makes me feel good. I have a few regrets. I bounced from reckless & risky sex adventures to binge drinking, drugging and over spending on clothes & shoes. Funny about the driving being listed. Because, I was fast when it came to driving. Looking back, surprised I’m still here. My driving record is clean for the most part, due to it’s now my career. I must have a clean driving record, can’t mix any booze & drugs while driving.  I would lose my license. Explaining this to my beloved would crush me,  I “act out”  in private. I don’t include any one from my inner circle. Strangers or people I don’t expect to see daily.
  5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury
  6. Varied or random mood swings – I didn’t wanna believe this one. However when my kids are in emotional turmoil I tend to feed off their emotions. If someone close to me is upset, I can easily get upset also. Sometimes when the #7 kick into high gear, all of it gets pushes into mood swings into self-image issues to impulsive behavior. Just a huge circle for me at times.
  7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness, emptiness – This is constant feeling. Sometimes, I go days without knowing how I feel. I just feel blank. Difficult to explain to normal people. I used to describe it as just black. There is no color. Just like my future, I don’t see myself in 5 years, 10 years or 20 years. It’s just all black.
  8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights – Not so much anymore, but when I was younger. There were fights at school, fights with family members and fights in public places. My anger in my childhood was to me extreme. I would have tantrums where I would pull all the drawers out of the dresser. Clothes everywhere. I would act out like a caged animal. I think that if I could have been allowed to express my feelings correctly, burn off energy. I might not have had such extreme anger issues. I was still having physical fights in my 20’s. Although those fights were with my ex-spouse or ex-boyfriends. I had a physical fight with my “fuck buddy” in the bar we hung out in. I was on a date with my current spouse, when my fuck buddy had said to me “You’re a fucking slut, I know you’re gonna fuck him and then come over to fuck me too.” I lost it. I punched him in the face while he sat at the bar. Since the bartender knew both of us, he told me to “take it outside.” I did. I basically fought him in the parking lot. I won. My evening ended shortly afterwards.
  9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

Read more my of my Blog for Mental Health posts.

The bold print above show my symptoms. Some tend to be stronger than others. Some symptoms are not as plain as the others. Looking back to my childhood I can see how & why this all occurred. To me, I believe it’s environmental along with biological. I was not sexually abused, physically abused (only spankings at times) I was very spoiled by all, except my grandmother. What a bitch. I accept that I was neglected as a child. I was placed on the pedestal, taken down and shown off by each parent when it was convenient for them. To me, half the problem is knowing the back history of it all, now to move forward. I don’t see anything major wrong with me. I’ve been able to hold down a job for long periods of time, a marriage, residence. I think the key is finding a person who understands you as an individual. Maybe even opposite of you, to help in keeping the relationship balanced.