Hind sight is 20/20. I’m not sure about other people with BPD, but I’m the type of person who will obsess on everything that has been said before and after the person has hurt me. Not sure if that falls under “black & white thinking” but I know that I look back, putting the pieces together. Trying to figure out how that motherfucker fooled me. Will I know I’m self-absorbed so not a surprise there. I look back, puzzle pieces in hand. I put as much as I can together. Stand back and look at the entire puzzle, I wanna to analyze that person. I wanna figure out the motives, where I went wrong. Looking for the why’s and the what for’s.
“C” and I first met on a shoe site back in 2009. A site that was hardcore shoe fetish. Shoe fetishism is not my thing, but I was into modeling shoes for the men who had the fetish. C & I didn’t hit it off at first, I remember being too attached to him from the start. He was friendly, sincere. I thought of him as the “nice guy.” He had shared so much in the beginning not about family or job, but about his marriage. He was curious. He & his wife had posted several shots of them together. Never any nudes of her, just him. Lots of shoes for her, leg shots, etc. I developed a fondness for him. He disappeared from the site for about a week. He never explained he was going on holiday. My immediate reaction was anger. I had been abandoned without notice. The rage filled me. I was unaware of my BPD at this time. I only knew that there was something not right about me. I upset me to feel too attached, then fear being left. I would joke that I suffered from a “fear of rejection or abandonment.” Unknowingly that I really did have those issues. It’s true that the truth often comes out in jest.
C returned confused to my behavior. I wasn’t gonna let him know that I was too attached to his friendship. He would know that I cared. Due to my under laying mental issues I attached myself to him fast. He was kind, gentle, witty and he thought that I was fucking amazing. He gave me what I needed at such a low point in my life. I became his online fantasy girl. A safe bet to lust after, admire from the safe distance of 4000 miles. We used yahoo messenger a lot, I had no smart phone, no laptop. Had to be in the office on the PC to chat. Haha.
Let’s fast forward to this month. I started doing February Photo Fest. I noticed that I put on inches around the waist. Depressing for a person with “self-images” issues, another symptom of BPD. I decided to take more shoe photos this month. Besides, I had recently added some new shoes to my collection. I also thought “I can go back to where it all started, use my FebPhotoFest pictures on my shoe profile.” I had started uploading some of my FebPhotoFest photos to my profile page. In the sidebar of this adult shoe website there are sections of shoes…the highest voted for photos get put there. I always glance over to look for any good poses. Now let’s go in reverse for a minute.
Back in December of 2013 I had decided to interview some members of this shoe site about their fetish. I hadn’t read a lot about shoe fetishism online. I wanted to see if there was perhaps a common denominator of them all. I was first contacted by a couple that I’ll call “DickandJizz.” Someone from that couple contacted me first. I’m not actually sure about the date. They had recently setup their account in November 2013. They were very new to the site. I received a DM from one of them wanting to aid me with the interview questions. I was thrilled to have a couple answering some of my questions. Sadly, I lost the entire interview in the mix of emails. I had briefly looked at their profile but since they were very new there were not a lot of personal photos uploaded, just the very basic information. I had a few DM’s with them first being around November 18, 2013. Three times in December 2013. Then again on January 11 &17 of 2014. The following is the DM I received after “Dick’s” first contact , then sending the questions.
Well hello Cat or Toxic Lust or whatever you call yourself lol
You did move fast getting the questions sorted out and back to us, we will sit down tonight and see what we can answer openly and honestly! Is there a reason behind this we wonder? Must add that your pics are just amazing, assuming that is you in the pics and in the heels you really know how to pose for a snap. Sexy girl on a Harley in stockings, heels and boots, what more can a man ask for!!!!!
We haven’t been on here long but we have been surprised at the lack of couples and single women, also nobody seems to want to converse either. Maybe we just haven’t posted the right pics, but we will work on that in time.
Be back to you soon
Keep in mind that C & I were had become closer friends. He himself even offered to do an interview for my blog. I posted C’s interview on December 10, 2013. Our lives continued to grow together. We shared conversations about our kids, traveling, work and the bad days in our lives. Sometimes we would mention our spouses. We talked several times a day. Sometimes leaving each voice mail, quicker than typing. At times I felt he was smothering me. I would complain to my spouse about it. At times I felt like he was totally obsessed with me. My Beloved said “of course he is.” I could do no wrong in C’s eyes. I felt like at times I was his perfect fantasy girl. Lots of pressure and expectations to live up too. I think at some point I got lost. I let him down. I remember him saying “we’re like an old married couple now.” WOW. I stopped posting the photos of my shoes, although I did share private photos such as the shoes when I was trying them on. Nothing like an enticing photo sent randomly to him. We had gotten used to just being close friends. He knew about the shoe interviews, he mentioned he had deleted his profile on that website. There was a change in members. Lots of men shoving shoes up their asses, CD’s, TV’s not a lot of real women or couple to chat with or share or whatever they did. I never went looking for C’s profile. I took him at his word.
Fast forward to this month. I was uploading the few photos from febphotofest. I received a DM so I went to my inbox. A beautiful thing about this site is that the DM’s are never actually deleted. I scanned my inbox, seen “DickandJizz” and thought “it’s been over a year I wonder if they have any photos up now.” I was wondering what they were into kind of thing. Being curious at the time, I clicked on their name. I seen they had 5 pages of new photos. I was scanning their gallery. WHAT?! NO!!! That background looks familiar. I called my spouse over because deep in my heart I didn’t want to believe that what I saw is correct. Why would C ever lie to me? I still don’t know what possessed him to contact me as DICKandJIZZ, but he did.
FUCKUP #1. He never came clean about being DickandJizz on the site. Playing me for a fool. Later on in his last voice mail.
In his last voice mail he states “putting the photos on the site was a stupid thing to do. Anyway I think she just got a bit carried away with the whole thing. I really didn’t take any notice of it or think about it.“
FUCKUP #2. He got involved with his wife’s close friend.
He used the word “she” that “she just got a bit carried away.” But the motherfucker can’t “share” his feelings. He has difficulty talking & sharing. “I find it hard to share, I’m not a good sharer.” This fuck can share his cock, her pussy and his home online. He had to have “shared” his shoe fetish with her. How the fuck did that conversation go, if the fucker can’t share?! AND to ask, tell her oh and can I have permission to post your pussy on my shoe profile? Oh wait better yet…it was HER idea, huh?! *Rolling my Eyes.*
This is why I could never be friends with him again or forgive him. Don’t even ask me to forget this shit. This will be with me for a while. Why? Because it’s what people with Borderline do. Not just that, I have to pick this apart until I find out where I went wrong. I got caught up in the fantasy. The lines between fantasy and reality got blurred when I allowed him into my inner circle. My Bad!!!
He needs to read an instruction book on how cheaters get caught or how not to get caught. The Do & Don’t if you will. He’s too old to be starting this “game” of cheater, adultery or player. These lessons one learns in their 20’s, during their first relationship. It’s not something that adults do in their mid-50’s. He seems to be having a late mid-life crisis. I have spoken with several other men about this situation, most agree that he wanted to get caught. He wants an excuse to get out of whatever misery he’s in. But he doesn’t have to balls to do it himself. Getting caught would add some drama to his boring mundane life. Maybe he is hoping his wife will appreciate him more. I don’t know. My question is this, who the fuck DM’ed me in November of 2013?! Because if it was him then he lied to me by omission. He never said “Hey Cat it’s me C.” He just pretending to be “Dick.” He stated in he previous voice message “you said years but I guess I had the opportunity the chance to indulge my fantasy and only 6 months maybe, something like that.” Then he lied to me. Otherwise it was Jizz that contacted me in November 2013 and C lied about that too. Either way he totally fucked up.
Funny how he felt he had to apologize only after I stated that he never did. It means nothing then. Stupid. I laughed at his statement “and I would hope that you would think that it was a good character trait in somebody that they would not pass on secrets, confidences or whatever….that I have done for my other hobby as you put it, I have not spoken to her about you in anyway shape or form. I only felt it was right that I should keep confidence and that’s it really, to keep her trust. Because if you ain’t got trust then what have you got?”
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Did he hear what he just said?! I call bullshit. I’m sure that he told her about me, not in great detail, but I was mentioned. What explanation did he give his mistress for deleting their account? OH and BTW, I got busted. Please, she’s been after him for years now. He had mentioned her in the past. She had left her spouse, she cheats on him. He takes her back. C also mentioned that he wouldn’t take the chance on getting involved with her, even thought he knew he could very easily. He said he was too afraid that she would talk too much, because that was her way. I can’t see her letting him go that easily?! Nahhhh I don’t think so. Most mistresses want more, in time. The old-fashion ones do, anyway. They want it all, because they are giving sex to get love and men are giving love to get sex. Then he says “yeah that’s just stupid and all irrelevant now because that’s all over and done with and finished.” WHY? Why not your affair now? Why? Because someone who you considered a close friend found out? Just move it to another site. It’s pointless to end it, now he’ll need it more than ever. He’ll need that drug of sex to kick his emotions up from off the ground. I find it difficult to believe that he could “share” the ending of an affair. How did that work how, if he can’t share? Even my beloved said “he may have stopped for now, but the box has been opened. He will always be looking & wanting.”
FUCKUP #3. He lied to me by omission. He lied even after he was confronted with the knowledge that I knew the truth.
He never did really did completely understand what I meant. I never cared about his affair. Sure, I felt extremely hurt, sad for his wife. She’s a wonderful woman. Most women I don’t get along with at all, she was an exception. I cared about the fact that I had confided in him with some of my dark secrets. I shared parts of my past, childhood and secrets with him. I trusted him enough to know that he wouldn’t tell his wife, nor my spouse that I shared some things with him. That’s what hurt the most, it wasn’t about his affair. It hurt that he couldn’t trust me enough to share his secrets with me. He expected me to forgive him because he thought he had some bullshit honorable character trait? He can’t even think clearly. Dumb. He thinks he needs to keep everyone’s confidence. Here’s the kicker. I’m 4000 miles away, stupid! How the fuck will I know what he tells Jizz or his wife about me? It’s not like I’m gonna run into them in the supermarket.
I admire my “hoodrat.” He plays a good game, by isolating all his girls, pitting them against each other so that they wouldn’t talk to each other. It was just one part of the game that C hasn’t learned yet.
Had he just opened up when I said “if you have a dirty little secret and didn’t tell me and I find out our friendship is over.” When he replied “understood.” I knew then he would never admit it. That he didn’t believe me when I said our friendship was over. There is probably more on this subject, but for now I’m gonna stop this now, because I wanna spit nails every time I listen to his voice message.
FUCKUP #4. He underestimated my emotions. He didn’t believe me, in the past, when I told him how I am, how I act, behave, etc.
I’m pretty sure because he isn’t good at the game of affairs, that he told his wife about everything that happened. He felt so guilty that he needed to “relieve” his guilt. He couldn’t be a man and take one for the team, in silence. He had to hurt his wife, but confessing the truth. How selfish of him or any one who confesses an affair. I believe that is the wrong thing to do. Hurting your spouse because you are so riddled with guilt?! No, just don’t ever do it again and keep that affair secret. READ more on my thoughts, personal experiences about monogamy.