Getting a Bit out of Control

Since I’ve become acquainted with Mr. Sam I have been at the bar more and more. It’s an excuse for me to be out, to drink and to visit with him. Charlie created specific appearance for me to have while at the bar, he accomplished this without me being aware of what he was doing. Recently I have crawled outside the box he designed for me.
Now I have a choice. I can stay inside that box he designed for me or I can be the apparent semi-slutty wild chick I’ve behaved like.
I’m leaning more towards the second because I’ve already been behaving that way. So much so I think I have been labeled now. Labeled by Charlie’s crew, its like they understand the cat is away and the kitty is left all alone. They forget I’m married. FUCK I forget I’m married. When I’m home now, he is loving, understanding and gives me that tender love he thinks I want or need to keep me from straying. He says “I love you” a lot more. He praises me a lot more, but not in a way that makes it obvious to me. Because he does it more when I’ve returned from the bar.
My BPD symptoms have been thrust into over drive regarding Mr. Sam. I noticed that he has several Facebook profiles. Why? Why does one need that many? He only has a few family members on each one. There’s always been something about him I couldn’t quite place my finger on, but when he told me his secret, I felt that some relief. But starting last night, I can’t help with think …

WHAT THE FUCK am I doing!!!!????
Since I met you I’ve been crazy
Since I’ve been with you I’ve been lost
You make everything see hazy
Love comes with such a cost
Have I lost my mind?……..Follow Me Down by The Pretty Reckless.

This song played out in my head today. I feel crazy when I’m with Mr. Sam.
There is so much about him I don’t know. Yet I’m not afraid yet I feel no trust. It’s not like there are people who can vouch for him here. He doesn’t know anyone here.
What man says “we have a connection” with in a few months or even weeks of knowing each other. Yes, I feel it, like we have been acquaintances at the bar.
Asking me how I feel about him, telling me he will wait for me and that he is happy with having me in my current circumstances. Talking about love as if is was that simple.
Is it that simple?

Someone tell me..is it? Or I am simply mad?

READ ABOUT MR. SAM FROM THE BEGINNING
Being a person with Borderline, I truly don’t know what love is. I know the concept of loyalty, a version of love I was sold to believe by Walk Disney. I’m too emotionally unstable now. Thoughts swirling around in my head, trying to process what I felt about Mr. Sam. Is what I’m feeling love or lust? Or is it the symptoms of my illness I act impulsively, acting out in risky behaviors. Like unsafe sex, stranger sex and sex that feels so good you get addicted to it.

borderline meltdown, sassycat3000, mental illness, emotional, latina blogger
Over the past few weeks, Mr. Sam has come out to see me while I’m out. We always end up in my car, talking and then making out. No sex. Lots of kissing and lots of talking. I can’t believe I’m even sharing this here, but…but I think this may be important for my future story sharing and my sex life. Because I think Mr. Sam is stirring things up in me that have been stagnant. Not saying that life with my Beloved isn’t fulfilling, but sometimes its dull & boring for me. I’m sure it is for him, but we are like most couples in the sense we accept that we have different likes & needs in this area. This is another story for another time.
Mr. Sam seems like that type of man who loves hard, who also has an issue with letting someone go when they wanna leave. Which I think could be dangerous for me and my life. But there is still something about him that draws me in. He’s a dark and broken soul. But part of him scares me, especially when he wants a solid yes or no answer that I have feelings for him. The fact he can be happy with this arrangement. What kind of man does that? Weird thing is he hasn’t pushed the sex issue at all, he jokes about it. It’s mostly sexual innuendo. There is no pressure for me to have sex with him.
I think he has deep seeded issues that I am trying to see. Why? Why the fuck do I care? And this leads up to being at the bar where Charlie & I used to hang out at. Meeting Mr. Sam there has brought a lot of attention to me. The guys treat me differently, trying to feel me up, making sexual comments to me.  But its only when they have been drinking but never a serious threat towards me. That’s the other thing that pulled me down, those rumors that I’ve heard about me. That I am “seeing” Mr. Sam on the side, having an affair. Ok, sure I admit kissing him and being attracted to him, but I’m still on the fence about fucking him or even carrying on with him. I’m not saying no to the idea but not yes either. Just riding with it for now.
But the rumors are by the PHG because a few of them have seen us together during the week. We were being antisocial to the others. Only because of the lies that were told by one of them about Mr. Sam. I’m not sure about all the shit either. FUCK. All this fucking shit pulled me down a well of darkness. Crying all day. I couldn’t stop at the end of the day, then I couldn’t sleep either. I haven’t been like this in months. I feel so lost that I scheduled an appointment with my counselor for this week. I haven’t had a session with her since my first informal diagnosis.  That should say something about this meltdown I had yesterday. That I’m reaching out for a direction in which I should go,  for an answer to why the fuck I’m doing this. Part of me thinks I’m trying to replace Charlie, to fill the chaos and drama with my own instead of his.  Make sense?

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

  •  Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days. (Anger is the current mood I’m feeling stemming from the rejection).
  • Feeling like others are out to get you. Paranoid Thoughts.
  • Believing that You should not feel this way. Self-invalidating thoughts.
  • Unstable Relationships. A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.

 

End of the Week Reflections. Week One

Overall, how do I feel at the end of this week? I felt somewhat depressed, sorry for myself. Fat & ugly. Lazy. I wanted to drink, have some impulsive sex with someone from my past. I wanted to spiral out of control. I wanted to act out in the worst way possible, like I did when I was single. Long nights of partying with people who are not my friends, those miserable souls who want company.

I spent most of the weekend with my beloved. We binged watched “Doc Martin.” I can relate to his character, because of the way he pushes those closest to him away, before they are able to hurt him. He “controls” the emotional distress when he pushes them away. A character who I really grew to like, but I didn’t like the show when I first caught it on a late Saturday night.

What goals and passions did I pursue this past week? I did take some photographs. A few for Sinful Sunday. A few for those people who are “into” socks.

Working on two product reviews. I do enjoy testing out different products. I enjoy taking the photos, sharing my experience with the product.

My most memorable day? Thursday 1/7/2016. Because it’s when I was asked by the owner of the “Of Our World” Instagram hubs if I would be interested in being “Lead Administrative Assistant.”

I will probably forget about the day in the next few months.

Top 3 Significant events of past week? There wasn’t any significant events that stick out in my mind.

A website magazine contacted me wanting to know if I was interested in writing something for them to publish on their site. They have contacted me on several different occasions, however I have put them off. Why? Because I have that fear of rejection. I think that my stuff could, would never be good enough for anything like that. Also, who would want to read anything that I write? SInce when would any of my writing be remotely interesting? I think if I can’t even get a comment or two on a blog post, what makes me or anyone think that my writing would get readers?

What are some things I can improve on in the upcoming week? Work on projects a bit at a time, not all at once. I wait until the clock is about to run out and then work under pressure. I seem to work better when I am under pressure to finish a project. But the older I get the more the project seems to suffer because I start to cut corners, get sloppy.

List 3 things I learned this past week? I don’t understand what makes people like a photo on Instagram. People like seeing the awful, train wreck stuff and people like to view the “real” stuff. I learned that I am not young anymore. That I will not compromise on my decision not to show lots of skin. I learned that I am addicted to the “likes” on Instagram. I depended on that app to give me a sense of self and that’s stupid. When I think about it, allowing myself to feel emotions based on “if” strangers like my photos or not. It can be a trigger if I let it. This weekend I let it tear me down – emotionally.  I learned I have to step away from that social media app for a while to get back to center.

I know I have to learn to accept me as me, accept that I am getting older.

I need to learn to value the time that I have.

I have the ability to fight off the nagging urge to act out when I want to.

I learned that no matter what some people are just lazy, undependable. When it comes to certain things I’m not good at, I try to find someone who knows better than I do in that area. I guess I will have to learn how to do things myself, because depending or relying on others only leads to disappointment.

In what area or areas do I feel I made my biggest improvements? I think I started answering this question in the above answer. I need to learn to accept who I am. Learn to value the time I have. That I need to learn not to focus on myself so much, but to reach out to others. There are people in my circles that have things going on in their life that are more important than my insecurities that are based on some pathetic internet likes.

Improving my sleep patterns. Example; I’ve been awake since 2 am this morning. WHY?! Having a lucid dream. Or one of those dreams that I’m just on the borderline of sleep & being awake.

Improving my time management. Not to be consumed by the internet, work a little bit online. Then work around the house, chores, etc. Hopefully it won’t hit me all at once like it does and then I get overwhelmed and walk away from everything then nothing gets done!

What do I look forward to achieving next week? Finishing up my reviews. Catching up on some serious blogging.

Starting to work on the audio meme known as Febooary.

Catching up on some major house cleaning.

My Angry Inner Child came out to Play [BFMH2015]

The last few days I have tried hard to regulate my emotions. I seek the door to exit the pattern that I feel I am stuck in. This all revolves around  “Charlie.”

We had last been out on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. There was a confrontation between him and some guys that belong to a “club” who were upset that he punched out one of their own. It was payback time for “Charlie.” I got in the way of what was would happen of regardless of what I said or did.

He told me he would text me the next day. He promised. “Trust me, babe. Go home. You can’t stay here anymore. I’ll text tomorrow.”

I left. I returned to my normal life. I waited until Monday night to text him. “How was your holiday?

I was getting angrier because he wasn’t answering me. “so this is what it’s like to be ignored or am I in timeout again? Can’t make everyone happy…i wonder what excuse you’ll give me. Lost Phone? Disconnected phone? Not charged? ok. I can wait. I might text you back when you finally do answer me.

Nothing. No word for days. Ok. I must have done something that pissed him off (again). I can’t accept being rejected, abandoned, not by him. There are other people who I can even hold the door to walk out of, but not him. His friend told me about her sister having surgery this coming week to remove a tumor. I thought I’ll text him again, out of concern. A reason to see if he’s still alive. I was trying to control the emotions within me. Keeping them at baseline. This is my weakness, he is my weakness. WHY?! Why are drunks attracted to me? Is it that vibe that I am a closet drunk too?

Last night after I got off the phone with our mutual friend I was running hot. I laid in bed. Do I? Don’t I? What should I say? WAIT. Slow down. Think about this first.

I will use his words to me, back at him.

Still don’t know me?

Waited 10 minutes. Nothing. I thought about “us.” I thought about his issues and my issues. We both can not be rejected. We will do anything to keep that person from leaving. However, we can come & go freely without warning or without explanation. I will push his button.

Ok. so be it. Only two conclusions, no phone or blocked. so you won’t even see this. FUCK YOU. I’ll leave you alone and you don’t ever have to acknowledge me as anyone you know again. EVER.

I muted him on my phone. Laid in bed with my beloved trying to wrap my head around the moment. Trying to keep myself from exploding into emotional instability. H rubbed my back, my arms & shoulders to ease the tension. Relieving the stress my body started to feel.

5Am my alarm sounds off.  I received texts. 45 minutes after I sent him the above text he sends me one back in return.

eye socket  “LOL I know u silly ass. just got my phone back. i lost it somewhere that when i was with you. got it back couple of days ago but been tied up at the hospital with a fractured eye socket from falling down the steps. LOVE U. Just had surgery on Monday at G’s house healing up.” (the photo to the left was included in the texts).

I was laughing when I read it. Ah yes, there are those excuses I was looking for. Yet when I use them on him, he accuses me of lying. We both know we are lying but why do we do it to each other? Fear of rejection and abandonment. Instead of saying “I need time away from your craziness. I need time to myself to breathe.” We lie, because we think if you tell the truth that the other person will leave us.

The other issue is …. HOW DARE YOU TREAT ME LIKE I’M A WINDOW LICKER!!!! You’re a LIAR!

Do I say that to him?! NO. I just play along with the bullshit.

Look at the damn photo and there is nothing that says “falling down the steps injury.” Everything about the photo says “Someone punched me in the face with brass knuckles.”

I returned the text with “OUCH.” I think him being an alcoholic and having a personality disorder like me makes me try to understand his mind. BUT, alcoholics are different from those who have a personality disorder. Mental illness travel in pairs, sometimes even a third is buried just below the surface. Why. Why can’t I walk away.

My beloved told me “because you enjoy the drama from a distance, you live your craziness through him without any of the consequences. But you can’t shovel horse shit without getting some of that shit on your shoes. Now you’re because you got shit on your shoes, you have to clean up.”

WHAAAAA?!!!! He’s so right. We get our needs met through those in our lives. I enjoy living the crazy Charlie Sheen lifestyle when it’s good,but when it’s bad I’m out. I guess I can’t have it all. OH. That’s another thing. Black & white thinking. It’s all or nothing for me. I want all of him, but that’s impossible. I want what the others don’t get or see. I had it once, years ago. I still get some of his dark secrets but who knows if he shares those with others. It’s been years since I had an active drunk in my life. I don’t think they go away on their own. Something has to happen to cause them to leave. I’m selfish, this I know. I want to be the one who stands out from the crowd.

Rest up. Do what you hafta do. and don’t be telling your family we talked. It’s bess I’m left out of your life. Hit me up when your clean & sober or ready for a drink which ever comes first.”

“LOL Why’s that? My family don’t tell me or dictate what I do….ur silly!!!

I want to test him to see if he mentions me to his family. Last time he was mad at me for getting to involved with his business & family. Most of his family dislike me because to the toxic spew he vomited on them about me. Let’s see where this goes.

I didn’t answer that text. I will leave it alone for now.

Blog for Mental Health 2015“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”

 

He lied to Me, so I ended it [BFMH2015]

Hind sight is 20/20. I’m not sure about other people with BPD, but I’m the type of person who will obsess on everything that has been said before and after the person has hurt me. Not sure if that falls under “black & white thinking” but I know that I look back, putting the pieces together. Trying to figure out how that motherfucker fooled me. Will I know I’m self-absorbed so not a surprise there. I look back, puzzle pieces in hand. I put as much as I can together. Stand back and look at the entire puzzle, I wanna to analyze that person. I wanna figure out the motives, where I went wrong. Looking for the why’s and the what for’s.

“C” and I first met on a shoe site back in 2009. A site that was hardcore shoe fetish. Shoe fetishism is not my thing, but I was into modeling shoes for the men who had the fetish. C & I didn’t hit it off at first, I remember being too attached to him from the start. He was friendly, sincere. I thought of him as the “nice guy.” He had shared so much in the beginning not about family or job, but about his marriage. He was curious. He & his wife had posted several shots of them together. Never any nudes of her, just him. Lots of shoes for her, leg shots, etc. I developed a fondness for him. He disappeared from the site for about a week. He never explained he was going on holiday. My immediate reaction was anger. I had been abandoned without notice. The rage filled me. I was unaware of my BPD at this time. I only knew that there was something not right about me. I upset me to feel too attached, then fear being left. I would joke that I suffered from a “fear of rejection or abandonment.” Unknowingly that I really did have those issues. It’s true that the truth often comes out in jest.

C returned confused to my behavior. I wasn’t gonna let him know that I was too attached to his friendship. He would know that I cared. Due to my under laying mental issues I attached myself to him fast. He was kind, gentle, witty and he thought that I was fucking amazing. He gave me what I needed at such a low point in my life. I became his online fantasy girl. A safe bet to lust after, admire from the safe distance of 4000 miles. We used yahoo messenger a lot, I had no smart phone, no laptop. Had to be in the office on the PC to chat. Haha.

Let’s fast forward to this month. I started doing February Photo Fest. I noticed that I put on inches around the waist. Depressing for a person with “self-images” issues, another symptom of BPD. I decided to take more shoe photos this month. Besides, I had recently added some new shoes to my collection. I also thought “I can go back to where it all started, use my FebPhotoFest pictures on my shoe profile.” I had started uploading some of my FebPhotoFest photos to my profile page. In the sidebar of this adult shoe website there are sections of shoes…the highest voted for photos get put there. I always glance over to look for any good poses. Now let’s go in reverse for a minute.

Back in December of 2013 I had decided to interview some members of this shoe site about their fetish. I hadn’t read a lot about shoe fetishism online. I wanted to see if there was perhaps a common denominator of them all. I was first contacted by a couple that I’ll call “DickandJizz.” Someone from that couple contacted me first. I’m not actually sure about the date. They had recently setup their account in November 2013. They were very new to the site. I received a DM from one of them wanting to aid me with the interview questions. I was thrilled to have a couple answering some of my questions. Sadly, I lost the entire interview in the mix of emails. I had briefly looked at their profile but since they were very new there were not a lot of personal photos uploaded, just the very basic information. I had a few DM’s with them first being around November 18, 2013. Three times in December 2013. Then again on January 11 &17 of 2014. The following is the DM I received after “Dick’s” first contact , then sending the questions.

Well hello Cat or Toxic Lust or whatever you call yourself lol
You did move fast getting the questions sorted out and back to us, we will sit down tonight and see what we can answer openly and honestly! Is there a reason behind this we wonder? Must add that your pics are just amazing, assuming that is you in the pics and in the heels you really know how to pose for a snap. Sexy girl on a Harley in stockings, heels and boots, what more can a man ask for!!!!!
We haven’t been on here long but we have been surprised at the lack of couples and single women, also nobody seems to want to converse either. Maybe we just haven’t posted the right pics, but we will work on that in time.
 Be back to you soon
 Dick xBlog for Mental Health 2015

Keep in mind that C & I were had become closer friends. He himself even offered to do an interview for my blog. I posted C’s interview on December  10, 2013. Our lives continued to grow together. We shared conversations about our kids, traveling, work and the bad days in our lives. Sometimes we would mention our spouses. We talked several times a day. Sometimes leaving each voice mail, quicker than typing. At times I felt he was smothering me. I would complain to my spouse about it. At times I felt like he was totally obsessed with me. My Beloved said “of course he is.” I could do no wrong in C’s eyes. I felt like at times I was his perfect fantasy girl. Lots of pressure and expectations to live up too. I think at some point I got lost. I let him down. I remember him saying “we’re like an old married couple now.” WOW. I stopped posting the photos of my shoes, although I did share private photos such as the shoes when I was trying them on. Nothing like an enticing photo sent randomly to him. We had gotten used to just being close friends. He knew about the shoe interviews, he mentioned he had deleted his profile on that website. There was a change in members. Lots of men shoving shoes up their asses, CD’s, TV’s not a lot of real women or couple to chat with or share or whatever they did. I never went looking for C’s profile. I took him at his word.

Fast forward to this month. I was uploading the few photos from febphotofest.  I received a DM so I went to my inbox. A beautiful thing about this site is that the DM’s are never actually deleted. I scanned my inbox, seen “DickandJizz” and thought “it’s been over a year I wonder if they have any photos up now.” I was wondering what they were into kind of thing. Being curious at the time, I clicked on their name. I seen they had 5 pages of new photos. I was scanning their gallery. WHAT?! NO!!! That background looks familiar. I called my spouse over because deep in my heart I didn’t want to believe that what I saw is correct. Why would C ever lie to me? I still don’t know what possessed him to contact me as DICKandJIZZ, but he did.

FUCKUP #1. He never came clean about being DickandJizz on the site. Playing me for a fool. Later on in his last voice mail.

In his last voice mail he states “putting the photos on the site was a stupid thing to do. Anyway I think she just got a bit carried away with the whole thing. I really didn’t take any notice of it or think about it.

         FUCKUP #2. He got involved with his wife’s close friend.

He used the word “she” that “she just got a bit carried away.” But the motherfucker can’t “share” his feelings. He has difficulty talking & sharing. “I find it hard to share, I’m not a good sharer.” This fuck can share his cock, her pussy and his home online. He had to have “shared” his shoe fetish with her. How the fuck did that conversation go, if the fucker can’t share?! AND to ask, tell her oh and can I have permission to post your pussy on my shoe profile? Oh wait better yet…it was HER idea, huh?! *Rolling my Eyes.*

This is why I could never be friends with him again or forgive him. Don’t even ask me to forget this shit. This will be with me for a while. Why? Because it’s what people with Borderline do. Not just that, I have to pick this apart until I find out where I went wrong. I got caught up in the fantasy. The lines between fantasy and reality got blurred when I allowed him into my inner circle. My Bad!!!

He needs to read an instruction book on how cheaters get caught or how not to get caught.  The Do & Don’t if you will. He’s too old to be starting this “game” of cheater, adultery or player. These lessons one learns in their 20’s, during their first relationship. It’s not something that adults do in their mid-50’s. He seems to be having a late mid-life crisis. I have spoken with several other men about this situation, most agree that he wanted to get caught. He wants an excuse to get out of whatever misery he’s in. But he doesn’t have to balls to do it himself.  Getting caught would add some drama to his boring mundane life. Maybe he is hoping his wife will appreciate him more. I don’t know.  My question is this, who the fuck DM’ed me in November of 2013?! Because if it was him then he lied to me by omission. He never said “Hey Cat it’s me C.” He just pretending to be “Dick.” He stated in he previous voice message “you said years but I guess I had the opportunity the chance to indulge my fantasy and only 6 months maybe, something like that.” Then he lied to me. Otherwise it was Jizz that contacted me in November 2013 and C lied about that too. Either way he totally fucked up.

Funny how he felt he had to apologize only after I stated that he never did. It means nothing then. Stupid. I laughed at his statement “and I would hope that you would think that it was a good character trait in somebody that they would not pass on secrets, confidences or whatever….that I have done for my other hobby as you put it, I have not spoken to her about you in anyway shape or form. I only felt it was right that I should keep confidence and that’s it really, to keep her trust. Because if you ain’t got trust then what have you got?”

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Did he hear what he just said?! I call bullshit. I’m sure that he told her about me, not in great detail, but I was mentioned. What explanation did he give his mistress for deleting their account? OH and BTW, I got busted. Please, she’s been after him for years now. He had mentioned her in the past. She had left her spouse, she cheats on him. He takes her back. C also mentioned that he wouldn’t take the chance on getting involved with her, even thought he knew he could very easily. He said he was too afraid that she would talk too much, because that was her way. I can’t see her letting him go that easily?! Nahhhh I don’t think so. Most mistresses want more, in time. The old-fashion ones do, anyway. They want it all, because they are giving sex to get love and men are giving love to get sex. Then he says “yeah that’s just stupid and all irrelevant now because that’s all over and done with and finished.” WHY? Why not your affair now? Why? Because someone who you considered a close friend found out?  Just move it to another site. It’s pointless to end it, now he’ll need it more than ever. He’ll need that drug of sex to kick his emotions up from off the ground. I find it difficult to believe that he could “share” the ending of an affair. How did that work how, if he can’t share? Even my beloved said “he may have stopped for now, but the box has been opened. He will always be looking & wanting.”

     FUCKUP #3. He lied to me by omission. He lied even after he was confronted with the knowledge that I knew the truth.

He never did really did completely understand what I meant. I never cared about his affair. Sure, I felt extremely hurt, sad for his wife. She’s a wonderful woman. Most women I don’t get along with at all, she was an exception. I cared about the fact that I had confided in him with some of my dark secrets. I shared parts of my past, childhood and secrets with him. I trusted him enough to know that he wouldn’t tell his wife, nor my spouse that I shared some things with him. That’s what hurt the most, it wasn’t about his affair. It hurt that he couldn’t trust me enough to share his secrets with me. He expected me to forgive him because he thought he had some bullshit honorable character trait? He can’t even think clearly. Dumb. He thinks he needs to keep everyone’s confidence. Here’s the kicker. I’m 4000 miles away, stupid! How the fuck will I know what he tells Jizz or his wife about me? It’s not like I’m gonna run into them in the supermarket.

I admire my “hoodrat.” He plays a good game, by isolating all his girls, pitting them against each other so that they wouldn’t talk to each other. It was just one part of the game that C hasn’t learned yet.

Had he just opened up when I said “if you have a dirty little secret and didn’t tell me and I find out our friendship is over.” When he replied “understood.” I knew then he would never admit it. That he didn’t believe me when I said our friendship was over. There is probably more on this subject, but for now I’m gonna stop this now, because I wanna spit nails every time I listen to his voice message.

     FUCKUP #4. He underestimated my emotions. He didn’t believe me, in the past, when I told him how I am, how I act, behave, etc.

I’m pretty sure because he isn’t good at the game of affairs, that he told his wife about everything that happened. He felt so guilty that he needed to “relieve” his guilt. He couldn’t be a man and take one for the team, in silence. He had to hurt his wife, but confessing the truth. How selfish of him or any one who confesses an affair. I believe that is the wrong thing to do. Hurting your spouse because you are so riddled with guilt?! No, just don’t ever do it again and keep that affair secret. READ more on my thoughts, personal experiences about monogamy.

What I Learned this Summer [BFMH2014]

I learned that I am not cut out to be a full-time caregiver to a 4 year old.

I learned that if I was a SHM I would have probably gone insane. Wait. I did that with my first marriage. Looking back, I can see where I made the mistakes. SHM’s need an outlet after being surrounded with little people all day.

I started eating too much with not enough activity to burn off the calories. I wasn’t thin before but I wasn’t as big as I am now. I’ve always had weight issues and it’s times like these (babysitting with no me time) that I fall into that pit of self-loathing ideas. I eat too much. I look awful. I’m exhausted all the time. My house looks like a hurricane hit it. Thus causing my patience to be worn thinner than normal.

I learned that my BPD is starting to “kick in,” slowly. The resentment builds, I told my daughter I didn’t want to watch him the entire summer, because I knew I become short-tempered. Looking back, I’m now angry at my daughter for taking advantage of me. I told her to get him pre-school asap. She waited until the 18th. I start work the 14th. My BPD symptoms are just below the surface, I can feel them brewing. I haven’t had an urges to be involved in any risky behavior, however I do count the days until I could if I so desire. Let’s not even talk about sex. Husbands get upset with their wives because they just don’t feel like having sex at the end of the day. This has been a summer of no sex. Wha????? Me????? I’m dying. I want during the day like some kind of junkie, then in the evening I’m fast asleep. There was a few mornings of sex. Blah. Wasn’t feeling sexy, not with morning breath, sleep boogers in my eyes, lol. Curled Angel position works good.

The moodiness and swings are clear along with severe PMS thrown in for fun. I yelled at my spouse for eating all most of the tuna salad but just leaving enough to put on a spoon. I went off on him, He learned early on in our marriage that when I get like that there is something else underneath the surface. He just listened to me – yell. Not directed at him, but just was a super minor peeve that it set me off. Moodiness. My BPD then makes me think that I was an awful mother, shouldn’t be allowed around kids for too long for fear of inflicting them with long-lasting psychological & emotional damage.

I would often look at my daughter and think to myself “Why doesn’t she take pride in herself more?” Well, hell looking after my grandson, husband and trying to do simple chores. I’m whipped. I understand now. I feel mentally beaten . I haven’t brushed my hair in days. Oh don’t get the wrong idea. I shower & wash everyday, but I don’t brush it in the morning. It just gets tied up in a messy bun. No makeup all summer. My daughter picked Pokas up the other night and she says to me “eww your legs are all ashy!” I looked at my legs and thought “OMG. What’s happening to me?!” Yup, didn’t even put any lotion on my body after the shower. No oils, no perfumes – nothing.

My grandson can’t seem to play by himself, he can’t focus for long. He gets easily frustrated, impatient. He always wants me to play with him or to be around him. I don’t mind being around but he wants me directly in his eye sight. He’s like my son’s dog. I turn around on fall over him. UGH. I gave up on doing serious cleaning. My yard work is only half done, because it’s a constant interruption. I can getting some blogging done in between “Peg + Cat and Curious George.”

Today I decided to go to my favorite consignment store to buy some nail polish. Since I have been more active on a social network I realized I had been “neglecting” myself. So now after “Peg + Cat” we will be going to buy some nail polish and a few cheap hair accessories. I also have to shop for my daughter’s birthday gift. Don’t think Pokas will allow me to be in the store for too long. Because he never stops talking. I hate to say that I’m counting the days, but I can’t wait for this to be over.

Nail Color Galore

Nail Color Galore

My babysitting gig is over next week on Tuesday. My daughter is turning 24 on Wednesday and will be spending time with her family. You can bet I will be sleeping in on Wednesday, watching hours of porn and being naked all day, so if I’m not around you know why.

Now it’s time to go swimming.

 

Not Feeding My Addiction [BFMH2014]

It’s been a while since I heard from him. He filled my thoughts every now & then. Why? Because my addiction for him runs so far deep it drives me to madness. He is dangerous for me. Who doesn’t enjoy danger? Why sit on the sidelines of life, when I can be that bad girl running with a bad boy.

Ha Ha. Not to worry. I can’t. But how I wish I could.

He text me today.

Hey Stranger Danger….I got something for you that you have been waiting months for, still want it?

of course I want it

well, when ya wanna pick it up? New guy…better.

I can do that. Toss a time at me

ummm u want me to drop it off?

Yeah that would work, but I’ve got company

mmm. I have to go to my sis’ right now. I need to sleep before class at 6pm. Stop by here after 4, k?

OK.

See ya around 4.

Yup.

Funny how big this city is and yet it’s so fucking small. I was driving past one of his favorite watering holes. I see his very unique bike out front. I teasingly text him.

I see you!

You do?!

Shhh it’s a secret.

mmmk

BUSTED. He’s such a lair. I don’t understand why men feel that they must lie to me. I don’t give a fuck what or who he is doing. It’s not like I’m gonna fuck him. I just want my stuff. He promised me two months ago. When am I gonna learn not to play with him like this, he’s dangerous. I’m afraid I’m gonna get burnt. Not burnt like emotionally, but as in my lifestyle will suffer for the impulsive decisions. Just because I’m bored & restless and feeling resentful is no excuse for those types of decisions.

Around 4 o’clock I text him.

You home?

It’s 4 O’clock

(No answer for 4 hours) Now he stated he had to be in class at 6pm. Class is only an hour? He text me at 7:15pm.

I fucking dropped my phone off the bike, just got home and on the tablet now. UGH.

Waiting

Waiting

WTF?! Really?! I’m suppose to believe him now? Here is when my issues kick into high gear. Because I trust no one, he’s lied before and he’ll lie again. He just wants to watch me jump through hoops. Now I start plotting my revenge, because he will want something from me eventually. Like, a lie to his mother or girlfriend or cash or my devotion. He wants my attention, the same way I crave it from others. There is a certain feeling that only I can give him, he has been upset since I stopped paying attention to him. I no longer pretend to worship the ground he walks on. Those days are over. I just ignored his text. Let’s see how long it takes him before he texts me again. I kind of wanna go off on him. I am only one of two women who can get away with verbally shredding him. How do I know this? When his friends tell me so. I’m furious. Temper tantrum. Mood swings from anger to sadness. I can get past this day and tomorrow is a new day.

He text me again.

You still want it Babe?

Still ignoring him. Make him sweat. I know his weakness, I know what gets under his skin. Rejection. Lack of attention, when he has no control.  I gotta play this just right.  I have to map it in my head so that I get the results I want. I know, you’re probably thinking I’m an awful person. I don’t treat everyone like this, only those who treat me like I’m stupid or lie to me or make me look like a fool.

Maybe I’m emotionally unstable due to lack of sex, lack of time to masturbate or just plain PMS. I can’t wait to get back to work and a normal routine. All this aside, I think it all worked out for the best, perhaps the universe stepped in to save me from myself. [What I fantasize about is meeting him somewhere, fighting, physically getting aggressive and he takes me and fucks my temper tantrum out of me….it’s my fantasy, remember?!]

 

 

Rejection

I don’t like this emotion. I am glad to say that I have not felt this emotion in a very long time,  not in a way that would send me to my dark place. No rejection from a relationship in over a decade. Being rejected by possible employers, friends or my current co-workers does not impact my life the same as would a love interest.

It’s one of my issues that will send me spiraling out of control into my darkness & self-destruction. Experiencing any type of abandonment or rejection is not good for me. I will try any thing to keep myself from feeling those things. I can handle some small rejection, from people I don’t care too much about. When this is nothing in the relationship for me. Then I don’t care, however if I am getting feed a need that I so desperately crave. The rejection will knock me down hard.

Spiraling into the self-destructive impulsive behavior in attempts to ease the pain. I will over think the situation, pick it apart until there is nothing left but crumbs. Wondering what I did wrong? When it might not have even anything that I did at all. I will ease the pain of rejection through acting out. There are some things that I am truly ashamed of.  Those close to me tend to make excuses or allowances for my behavior. I think “god what a fucking psycho I am.” My loved ones say “she was just angry & hurt, we can cover this up, fix it and act as if it never happened.”

Upon the recent discovery of my issue, I didn’t want to admit to myself how deep the cut goes. Rejection is and can be mentally, emotionally painfully for me. However, not as much as a few other issues of mine. I look back on my childhood, accepting my cards.  I do get angry at my parents at times, but they had no clue on what to do with a child. They were children themselves.  Hind sight is always 20/20 because I’m sure they would have never had any children had they knew the outcome of it all.

 

Stigma [BFMH2014]

 Do you think the stigma against mental health is beginning to fade compared to 10 years ago?

It’s been my recent experience that there is some stigma with mental health. However, when it comes to some friends & family, it seems to be easier for them to make reasons or excuses, allowances for me to “be” the way I am. It wasn’t my fault, it’s the way my parents treated me and so on.

I still will not tell the outer circle of friends. I think if I said “oh by the way, I’m bipolar or have schizophrenia.” There might be more of a stigma with those than with BPD. My opinion is that since I’m higher functioning, seemingly well and can be the fun chick. Most seem to overlook it, like it’s no big deal.  Not to sound mean, but because I tend not to be emotionally unstable in public, people don’t seem to be bothered with me being “different.”

When I first stumbled upon this whole “mental illness” blogging category. I realized there are millions of people with a mental illness. Some suffer from mild depression to some stuff I’ve never heard of. And most people I talk to have some form of “dysfunction” to me that’s an illness. It’s like its the new cool thing to have a mental illness of some kind. Whether it’s addiction, depression, BPD, PSTD. I do think that  society might view some illness as “cooler” than others. Like having Anti-social Personality Disorder, I think that would make people feel uneasy when they fully understood it. Another is schizophrenia, I think that one fills people’s minds with the homeless person pushing the cart with foil paper on their head and talking to themselves about government plots.

I think in another 10 years, it won’t be as it is today. More education, more people talking about their stories will help to ease the current stigma of mental illness. Mental illness is just now of one those diseases, illness, sickness that pretty much everyone has. There might even be those out there who don’t even know they are sick with a mental illness.

Keep in mind the above are merely my personal opinions on the subject of mental health stigma.

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