What are My Strengths? [BFMH]

So what are my character strengths? It’s always difficult to answer these type of questions. I got help with this and took a very intense questionnaire to get the following results. Starting with my top strength, the following are my top 5.

  1.  Humor & Playfulness – Like to laugh and tease, bringing smiles to those that are important. I try to see the lighter side of the situation.  Not sure if this is correct because I don’t always look at the lighter side of intense situations not when it involves me. However, yes, for those in my inner circle I will try to make them laugh because it’s a way for me to cope with the situation and to cope with the fact that my loved one suffering whether emotional, physical or spiritual, etc.
  2.  Judgement, Critical Thinking and Open-Mindedness – Thinking things through and examining it from all sides are important aspects of who I am. I don’t jump to conclusions and I rely on solid evidence to make my decisions. Yes, this is true. I need the facts, just the facts to make my decision about an important situation. I need as much information as I can get and process. However, when I hear the word “judgement”, I think of judging others. Most of my close friends tell me I judge harshly. I try not too, but if someone is making a decision and I have already told them it’s bad, then I judge. Rolling my eyes at them, go help them if they try to share their shit with me after the damage has been done.
  3.  Capability to Love and Be Loved – I value close relations with others, those in which sharing & caring are reciprocated. The people I feel closest to are those people who feel closest to me. True. I ask myself a lot what is love because there are times I feel numb. I doubt that the feelings I have felt for others is love, friendship. However, I will not tolerate a one-sided relationship of any kind. I will end it if I feel I am giving of myself (too much) and getting nothing in return. I may not contact my close friend daily  but when they reach out, I am always there for them.sassycat3000, latina, mental health, emotional, moody, black and white brunette, depressed
  4.  Social Intelligence – I am aware of the motives & the feelings of other people. I know what to do to fit into different social settings and I know what to do to put others at ease. Yeah, this is true. However, I can go deep into this topic. First thing that came to me, is that I want to fit in and belong to a group. When I don’t get that right away I find it challenging to make it a goal to fit in. Once I get into the group, I tend break from that mold they want their members to fit into and get pushed back out of the group. But by then I no longer am interested in being part of that group. Two; I always say “there is a motive for every human action.” I want to know what’s pushing them to do what they do. Most of the time I can feel what my close friends are feeling, I try to turn the tables so they can then see it from the other side. However, most of the time I can’t do this for myself. I need someone to turn the table for me.
  5.  Honest, Authenticity and Genuineness – I am an honest person. Not only by speaking, but by living an authentic & genuine life. I am down to earth and without pretense. I am a “real” person. I would disagree with this one. I am honest with it benefits me. I can be brutally honest to where I unintentionally hurt the other persons feelings.  I do not live a truthful, authentic life. I did once upon a time, now I’m lying to myself and others.

Why are we even friends on Facebook? [bfmh2016]

Recently had a set back with my borderline issues. These symptoms run deep, now active due to my phase of low self-esteem, from gaining weight, losing most of my muses and Charlie’s time away. (acknowledging my vulnerable factors or the triggers that pushed me).Grey-haired man at the pool hall

I have been included with a small group of patrons at my watering hole. Slowly I have been accepted into their little group. I’m always leery when things like this happen, I always think that they are wanting something from me, whatever that may be. I’m not sure what to do or how to act. It’s showtime. Time to turn into the  “trained monkey.” That person they point at and say “OMG…look Cat’s dancing on the tables again” or “Cat, is so much fun, invite her to the party!”

I’ve tried to keep my distance from them for a while because of my fear of rejection, not knowing how to act in their group. When they started inviting me to their birthday parties, dinners and out for drinks I agreed to attend. I wanted to be part of something. Who doesn’t? However, being part of a group like this can be tricky to maneuver through. Eventually they started friend requesting me on Facebook, which is ok. Until one of them, Sam found me here. So far he has not posed any cause for alarm. My only fear is that Sam reads this or any other writings that refer to him or the group.

I have noticed that Sam, even though he is fairly new to the group seems to have jumped the ranks and is in the inner circle. I wonder how this is possible. Is it because he’s a guy? Maybe there is something else going on behind the scenes. Sam is a friendly & nice guy, new to the area …. but there is something about him that I just can’t put my finger on. He’s tall, average to slender build with salt & pepper hair. There is a story behind him & I, which I will try to explain later.

But first let me tell you about the borderline issues that are at work here.Friend Cod Dinner

A week ago the group all went out for dinner, I got a little out of hand. I did some things that haunt me. My behavior was not the greatest, now that Charlie isn’t around I’m acting out more than ever. I used to think that he was a total ass, but now I see that at those times he was really protecting me from myself. Because without him to balance me out I become even more impulsive, dangerously so. Especially when my feelings aren’t satisfied. I do things that are harmful to myself and my life. Keep an eye open for those future stories.

A few days ago, Sam let me know that T1 & T2 wanted to talk to him. T1 apologized for his behavior that night. However, I didn’t get an apology nor a phone call inviting me to come out with the others like Sam did. That didn’t upset me as much until I noticed that T1 wrote on Sam’s FB wall. Wait. What? I can’t see it?! I should be able to see it, right because I can see something on Sam’s page and T1 is friends with me. Does that mean that T1 has me blocked or in a restricted group that I can’t see his posts? I thought I was part of this little group. I guess I was wrong. This is a  major trigger for me. I’ve been rejection yet I’m suppose to be part of this group. OH! Don’t even get me started on all the back talking and gossip that goes on. I’m sure that my actions on last Friday didn’t help me any.

I decided that if they don’t want me to read their shared posts, they don’t need to see mine. I decided to alienate myself from them. I created a group just for them so that they won’t see any of my posts anymore. I didn’t want to unfriend them because that only causes confrontations and more gossip. I have also decided to avoid them as much as possible. I won’t be going to the pool hall for a while because of my avoidance. Also if any of them invite me out to dinner again I’m planning on declining. I could play it like this…decline the invite yet show up at the bar next door and lie, if they say anything to me. All depends on how I feel on the day.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are

  • Impulsive Aggression: coupled with a highly reactive and unstable affect modulation. Thus, patients with BPD will respond to disappointment and frustrations with intense emotions like rage, fear of abandonment and dysphoria. Then serve to trigger the generation of an impulsive, often aggressive, response to the provocation.  via psychiatrictimes.com
    • Examples: Waking a sleeping partner to yell & scream at them.
      • A BPD woman throwing her partners cell phone because she thinks he’s sexting/cheating with another woman.
      • Destroying a partner’s belongings while they are not at home.
      • Suddenly hitting someone during an argument.
  • Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days. (Anger is the current mood I’m feeling stemming from the rejection).
  • Relationships: A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  • Alienation: The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual’s relationships with others.
  • Push-Pull Syndrome: A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.

Helpful Hints

Keep in mind that loving a Borderline is not for everyone. It’s trying, frustrating and draining, but it can also be one of the most exciting rides of your life. IF you know what to do and what not to do during a “crisis.”

  • First and foremost, talk with your Borderline loved one or bring in a neutral party to aid you if you are unable to successfully. Because you need to know what your Borderline wants, needs and expects.
  • We have a rule in our home that if I have an “outburst” neither one of us can leave the home. We can however can retreat to different areas of the house until I calm down or when I am ready to talk in a civil manner.
  • If you are in a public place I would suggest making sure your Borderline loved one is safe and I would remove myself from the situation. Especially if you know that you will or can get “sucked” in to a type of circular conversation which could lead to the Borderline to act impulsively and aggressively.
  • Try to explain to the best of your ability what and why you are leaving.
  • Speak in a calm voice. That always works for me when I’m overly exciting. Being overly excited and trying to calm another overly excited person down just non-productive.
  • For the Borderline, ask yourself if what you are about to do can wait until tomorrow. It’s difficult when the emotions run fast & high. Try to think of the outcome to your decision or action.

Do you have any suggestions that you think might help in keeping the symptoms in check? Perhaps you do something that works great for you, I would love to hear it.

The Numbness has Returned [BFMH]

I’ve been busy working on the cleaning of the basement while I’ve been off for the week. I think I have found a few more of my triggers.

Not being able to finish a chore like cleaning the basement. In my mind I can see that it is a simple task.

  • Sort through some boxes.
  • Donate the leftovers.
  • Clean up the rest.

Pretty simple. Right?! Nope. I get all kinds of side-tracked. Sorting through my boxes of books made me cry. I looked through the books, I felt like I couldn’t give some of them away. Others I’ve had since I was in high school. My pile to keep is larger than the pile to donate. WTF?! Emotional

This post was not about sorting books, but how I feel now. I feel like I did when I was a kid. When I felt depressed, full of pent-up energy. I haven’t had sex in over a week. I blame that on myself. A person can not act out with out some form of consequences for their actions. My health suffers every so often. I wanna go to my local bar, see my bartender and drink. Drink & drink some more. I feel nothing now. I want to feel something. Anything.

I want to do a bump in the dingy bathroom. I wanna look at a stranger in that watering hole and fuck him in that same bathroom. I wanna feel something. Anything. I want that high that I’m craving. I held my phone in my hand, I almost text Charlie. My fear is disappointment. If I text Charlie, he doesn’t answer me. I’m rejected and it will push me further down the hole. If I text Charlie and he does answer, we meet for drinks & I get disappointed because I’m not getting the attention I’m craving.

I sit here typing out my thoughts instead of chasing those thoughts I just mentioned. Years ago I would be out the door, maybe that’s it. I feel I have no valid reason to leave my house. Maybe its resentment. He already said I could leave if I wanted to. But that’s just it. If I leave, I’m afraid that I will do something that I will regret later. It’s times like this that I will take a long hot bath, cry in the tub and know that tomorrow is another day.

I guess I want to be in that place where I’m safe, yet the noise drowns out the noise in my head. A place where the drunks talk & I smile politely at them, but hear nothing they say.

I know I make no real mention of my Liege, other than he gave his permission for me to leave if I felt I needed to. He is understanding and said “I don’t want to abandon you, if you want me to stay.” I never beg, ask or say “yes. I want you to stay, when a person really wants to do something else.” I will emotionally close off from him until I feel back to my “normal” again. I will try to do something to keep me from falling completely off the edge into the dark hole.

Disappointed. Empty. Numb. Tomorrow is a new day.

Drive Me Crazy

Last night I went out with Charlie. I needed to feel that feeling again. I knew that I will be off work for a few days, so I figured last night would be the best.alcohol

We had been texting back & forth through the lies he tells me I still hear his broken soul.

I went to our hangout, he was there playing slots. I almost didn’t recognize him. He looked good. It started out as a quiet boring night, until his friend showed up. Charlie introduced us, but I’ll be damned if I remember his name. He bought several rounds of drinks, but I wasn’t drinking them fast enough. The drinks weren’t tasting right. Too much alcohol or something, yuk. I think I only had like 5 during the night.

“Guy” is 45-year-old was bald with a nose piercing and covered in tattoos. He’s physical body was a bit overweight however, he wasn’t heavy, like fat. He continuously talked to me through the evening, while Charlie was doing whatever he was doing. “Guy” started out classy, however through were statements that he made that sent out little red flags.

My drinking was “lightweight” according to him. I needed to “loosen up,” he said he was attracted to me and being married really didn’t matter. That he could “keep” me, could I accept that offer? Asking questions like …

“What are you going to do with the rest of your night?”

“Will you give us a chance, can you?”

These statements freaked me out but I didn’t show him, because I was much more enjoying watching Charlie’s reaction. At one point he pulled Guy’s chair to the other side of him and mumbled “Keep away from her.”

Guy laughed. “What’s up with you & C? You guys are finished, right? If you wanna be with me, you better fix his  attitude. We’ve been friends since we were young but I’m not gonna deal with his attitude.”

I thought about it for a moment. I thought about keeping Guy around just to hang out with when Charlie drives me crazy. A backup plan. Mostly just to have around to watch Charlie got jealous and keep me company when Charlie is occupied with business.

Through the evening I continued to mull over that idea over in my mind. Then it came to me “This could all blow up in my face! Then what? I could lose everything! My Liege and Charlie, I am unwilling to gamble losing them in my life or hurting My Liege. Charlie. Well we hurt each other all the time, it’s what we do.

Guy continued through the evening to make demands on me by telling me what I need to do or to say. When it came down to his demand of kissing him in the bar. I became a bit nervous. For one thing who were in Charlie’s bar, second I can’t act like a slut in that bar! He looked at me “You had an opportunity to kiss me, why didn’t you take it?” Uh, then he gets upset. The entire time Guy was talking me up Charlie is behind him making faces at me.charlie and the jubebox

I walked up to Charlie when he was at the jukebox “I want to know you’re ok with this, if I decide to follow through with Guy. I know you’re jealous, but you’re the one who fucked us up years ago.”

“I’m not jealous!” I looked him in the eyes with a stern face.

“OK I’m just a little jealous, I know I fucked everything up between us. I know. But still. If you want him, I won’t make a scene.”

I smiled and hugged him. He hugged me back. I had already decided that Guy would be too demanding for my tastes. I don’t chase any man. I don’t have to. When Guy asked me again about spending the night with him and demanding I do it. I finally had enough. I finally said “Bitch, I don’t have to do anything for you or anyone else.”

“You win!’ he replied.

Charlie was standing on the other side of Guy, heard the conversation. I looked at him without saying a word he asks “You leaving?”

I nodded.

“I’ll walk you out.”

I said goodbye to a few people in the bar as I made my way towards the door. Never looking back at Guy. Charlie walks me out “What happened?”

“You know me, he started demanding. And I was just pissed off at you because you fucked us up. I needed someone like you in my life so I wouldn’t have to depend on you for my crazy high on life.”

“Babe, I know I know. I’m jealous. I’m a drunk, a total fuck up. You’ll always be in my life you know that. Sometimes we just need a break from each other when we do get too crazy. I love you, you’ve got a special place in my heart. You of all people should know that. Remember we are both two very selfish people, so ….”

That’s the Charlie I fell in love with years ago. However, being a drunk destroyed his life. I moved on with my life, to a point. I need Charlie to drive me crazy. He keeps me balanced with the sane half of my world. Due to my own personal issues, Charlie is a vessel I use to release my crazy energy in his world so I don’t bring it home.

I drove back to the pool hall. Talked to the bartender, drank a few glasses of water.  Then I headed home to sleep in my bed where its safe & warm, leaving the crazy at the door.

Blog for Mental Health 2016