Getting a Bit out of Control

Since I’ve become acquainted with Mr. Sam I have been at the bar more and more. It’s an excuse for me to be out, to drink and to visit with him. Charlie created specific appearance for me to have while at the bar, he accomplished this without me being aware of what he was doing. Recently I have crawled outside the box he designed for me.
Now I have a choice. I can stay inside that box he designed for me or I can be the apparent semi-slutty wild chick I’ve behaved like.
I’m leaning more towards the second because I’ve already been behaving that way. So much so I think I have been labeled now. Labeled by Charlie’s crew, its like they understand the cat is away and the kitty is left all alone. They forget I’m married. FUCK I forget I’m married. When I’m home now, he is loving, understanding and gives me that tender love he thinks I want or need to keep me from straying. He says “I love you” a lot more. He praises me a lot more, but not in a way that makes it obvious to me. Because he does it more when I’ve returned from the bar.
My BPD symptoms have been thrust into over drive regarding Mr. Sam. I noticed that he has several Facebook profiles. Why? Why does one need that many? He only has a few family members on each one. There’s always been something about him I couldn’t quite place my finger on, but when he told me his secret, I felt that some relief. But starting last night, I can’t help with think …

WHAT THE FUCK am I doing!!!!????
Since I met you I’ve been crazy
Since I’ve been with you I’ve been lost
You make everything see hazy
Love comes with such a cost
Have I lost my mind?……..Follow Me Down by The Pretty Reckless.

This song played out in my head today. I feel crazy when I’m with Mr. Sam.
There is so much about him I don’t know. Yet I’m not afraid yet I feel no trust. It’s not like there are people who can vouch for him here. He doesn’t know anyone here.
What man says “we have a connection” with in a few months or even weeks of knowing each other. Yes, I feel it, like we have been acquaintances at the bar.
Asking me how I feel about him, telling me he will wait for me and that he is happy with having me in my current circumstances. Talking about love as if is was that simple.
Is it that simple?

Someone tell it? Or I am simply mad?

Being a person with Borderline, I truly don’t know what love is. I know the concept of loyalty, a version of love I was sold to believe by Walk Disney. I’m too emotionally unstable now. Thoughts swirling around in my head, trying to process what I felt about Mr. Sam. Is what I’m feeling love or lust? Or is it the symptoms of my illness I act impulsively, acting out in risky behaviors. Like unsafe sex, stranger sex and sex that feels so good you get addicted to it.

borderline meltdown, sassycat3000, mental illness, emotional, latina blogger
Over the past few weeks, Mr. Sam has come out to see me while I’m out. We always end up in my car, talking and then making out. No sex. Lots of kissing and lots of talking. I can’t believe I’m even sharing this here, but…but I think this may be important for my future story sharing and my sex life. Because I think Mr. Sam is stirring things up in me that have been stagnant. Not saying that life with my Beloved isn’t fulfilling, but sometimes its dull & boring for me. I’m sure it is for him, but we are like most couples in the sense we accept that we have different likes & needs in this area. This is another story for another time.
Mr. Sam seems like that type of man who loves hard, who also has an issue with letting someone go when they wanna leave. Which I think could be dangerous for me and my life. But there is still something about him that draws me in. He’s a dark and broken soul. But part of him scares me, especially when he wants a solid yes or no answer that I have feelings for him. The fact he can be happy with this arrangement. What kind of man does that? Weird thing is he hasn’t pushed the sex issue at all, he jokes about it. It’s mostly sexual innuendo. There is no pressure for me to have sex with him.
I think he has deep seeded issues that I am trying to see. Why? Why the fuck do I care? And this leads up to being at the bar where Charlie & I used to hang out at. Meeting Mr. Sam there has brought a lot of attention to me. The guys treat me differently, trying to feel me up, making sexual comments to me.  But its only when they have been drinking but never a serious threat towards me. That’s the other thing that pulled me down, those rumors that I’ve heard about me. That I am “seeing” Mr. Sam on the side, having an affair. Ok, sure I admit kissing him and being attracted to him, but I’m still on the fence about fucking him or even carrying on with him. I’m not saying no to the idea but not yes either. Just riding with it for now.
But the rumors are by the PHG because a few of them have seen us together during the week. We were being antisocial to the others. Only because of the lies that were told by one of them about Mr. Sam. I’m not sure about all the shit either. FUCK. All this fucking shit pulled me down a well of darkness. Crying all day. I couldn’t stop at the end of the day, then I couldn’t sleep either. I haven’t been like this in months. I feel so lost that I scheduled an appointment with my counselor for this week. I haven’t had a session with her since my first informal diagnosis.  That should say something about this meltdown I had yesterday. That I’m reaching out for a direction in which I should go,  for an answer to why the fuck I’m doing this. Part of me thinks I’m trying to replace Charlie, to fill the chaos and drama with my own instead of his.  Make sense?

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

  •  Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
  • Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days. (Anger is the current mood I’m feeling stemming from the rejection).
  • Feeling like others are out to get you. Paranoid Thoughts.
  • Believing that You should not feel this way. Self-invalidating thoughts.
  • Unstable Relationships. A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.


Bittersweet Company [BFMH2016}

He asked me “How long are you staying?”

“Why? You want me to leave? Got something in mind?”

“I wanted to know, because I’m leaving in a bit and need to make sure you’re gonna be ok. You can always come to my place, then I can take care of you.”

Broken-updatedI smiled. We finished our drinks. Sheila was hanging on Charlie, wanting him to take her home. But I got angry and caused a scene with her. Threatening to kick her ass if she keeps touching Charlie. His ego swelled larger than his cock ever could. She backed off and we walked out the door. Funny thing is that it was all a game. We did that to him because he does that to me every time someone tries to talk to me.

We arrived at his apartment. I walked in and dropped myself on the sofa. Head in the middle of the sofa, one leg hanging off and the other draped on the arm rest. He walks behind the sofa and smacks my butt cheek hard.

“How long have you been drinking today? You hungry? Babe!?”

I mumble a “No” under my breath. I wanna test him to see what he does. My mind game is twisted. Its manipulative and serves to get me what I need from him. It’s what we do-to each other.

I don’t remember him coming around the sofa or even sitting down. Somehow I ended up with my head on his lap. I was getting warm. I was getting overheated, nervous about what I was thinking might happen. I felt his hands on my back, gently rubbing it. His other hand on my head, playing with my hair. Stroking my hair, his fingers intertwining with strands of it, twirling it around his fingers. His hand on my neck, his other hand moves further down my back towards my ass. I had moments when I think I might have blacked out, dozed off. I wanted him badly. But I wanted something honest, deep in my soul I knew that to be impossible.

He told me those things I wanted to hear. But I felt nothing from what he said, maybe it was what he didn’t say that I felt more. I played a different game with him. But before I could start that game I fell into old bad habits, I felt that urge overcome me. I felt his hands on me again. I unzipped his pants, pulled out his already hard member. It was like I remembered, long and slender. My mouth engulfed his cock, all those old feelings came flooding back to me. I pushed his cock all the way in to my mouth until it hit the back of my throat. I heard that sound that gets me excited. His deep sigh, that sigh of pleasure. I sucked his cock slow & easy at first, picking up speed. His hands are down my back into my jeans. He’s grabbing flesh,  which used to bother me at first but not anymore. He likes the feeling of flesh squeezed in his hands. He grabs some of my hair, using it to pull my head up and pushes it back down on his cock. Faster, faster. My eyes begin to water, my hair makes it hot. His cock can cause me to gag once in a while if I do it just right,  otherwise I just make the gagging sounds like in the porn flicks. The sound gets him off, he tilts my face away from him so that he can get a better view. His cock stays hard, hitting the back of my mouth. Sometimes not right. I’ve tried several rounds of sucking him. What’s taking him so long to cum? I’m not able to maintain my focus on what I’m doing. Am I getting bored, tired? WTF?!

I stop. He stands up and helps me up from the floor. He starts to unzip my jeans. I stop him. “NO?! What’s wrong, baby?”

“No. No, I can’t. I want to but I can’t.”

“Ok.” He sits back down on the sofa. We bullshit talk at first. I’m still testing him to find out his reaction. But a part of what I tell him is the truth. “If I can’t suck you off, what else is there for us? I’m losing my gift. And there is nothing left for either of us.”

“Oh quit it. I’ve been drinking & other stuff. You know when I’m like this it takes me longer.” In my head it sounded great, but he was unzipping my pants for a fuck, but I think if a man wants to cum he will no matter how he comes. I start the conversation of ending whatever strings of attachment we have for each other. He says “no, that we will always be bonded.” I look him in the eyes and he winks at me. He shares his court information…”I have to tell you something before you hear it on the street. I’m back with C.” (AKA C.C.) “You do what you gotta do.” I answered him.

We have now crossed the line that we had made for ourselves. I feel numb, yet something deeper is bubbling. These behaviors stem from my BPD, the self-image issues. The sex, is what I use to get me high. I needed to feel like I had control over him, to make him feel used. It didn’t work, instead I feel dirty and useless. Another blow to my ego, even though he tried to reassure me that it wasn’t me. I knew it was. More bullshit small talk between us, he changed his clothes in front of me. I took it as a hint that it was time to leave. “Are you headed back to the hole or you headed home?”

“I wont know until I get there.” I didn’t wanna give him anything more. I’m shutting down emotionally. Walls are up in defense. I wanna quit him in the worse way.

“Just be careful babe” May is BPD Month

“Ain’t I always?!” I walked out the door. Don’t remember driving home. I remember stumbling up the hallway stairs to the bedroom. Stripping all my clothes off. Pulling the blankets from him. Slowly removing his underwear, taking his sleeping member into my mouth until it was hard enough to ride. Climbed on top of him and fucked him until we both came. I don’t remember anything until waking up with an awful headache the next morning when the alarm went off.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

  • Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don’t exist at all
  • Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
  • Ongoing feelings of emptiness
  • Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.