Another Saturday with Him Pt 2 [BFMH2014]

Start from the Beginning….

WARNING: This post may contain “triggers” for some readers. Regarding states of Mental Health. Symptoms of BPD & ASPD. Substance Abuse. Sexual Content. Read at Your Own RiskOnly 75 cents

We went to the little dive bar on the far side of town. The side of town most people of that town would venture to go after dark. I am always up for some excitement. Truthfully I don’t remember the route I took to get there because I was catching a good buzz. I think by this time I had downed about 6 drinks in a 2 hour time span.

Ever notice all the cars here in the parking lot? But when ya walk inside there isn’t that many people sitting at the bar. Who do most of these cars belong to?” He asked. He opens the door for me, I walk inside and immediately scan the room. Looking for anyone that catches my attention. I always scan the room, to look for potential threats, one-night stands or any familiars. I saw none. He walked over to the side that we had sat the last time. There were two women sitting a few chairs down. They were average looking. One brunette of average size. The other blonde of a bigger frame, sloppily dressed. He watches them, he made no attempt to hide it. I respect that in a man. Look if you’re gonna look. I said “No, I don’t think so.” He laughed “No not the blonde but if I was desperate I would hit up on the brunette.” I smiled “I would accept that one, but not the other one.” He looked me in the eye, lifted his bottle to take a sip. A song came on the jukebox, which we both started singing too. Do I remember what is was? Nope. But I do remember the feeling I had when I was with him, looking into his eyes and singing. Sure, I was buzzed, he provided a way for my energy to be extinguished. I could live a life that was dangerous, but I knew deep down that I have a safety net. His safety net had already been burnt along with most of his bridges. As we looked around, he pointed out the sign. Hamm’s Beer Draft only 75 cents. Beer for cheap! I hate beer. UGH. BUT for an alcoholic like him, he’ll drink it. Me?! I tried it. Gross. We reminisced about when we were kids, drinking illegally. Drinking anything cheap for the fast buzz. The best part about being here at that time was it karaoke night. One quality I admire about him is that he will do things without asking without warning and that’s what is so exciting about him. We had watched a few other patrons attempt to sing. OMG! How embarrassing to actually get up there to sing “The Battle of New Orleans.” But the man who sang it was enjoying himself. Next thing I know I was up there with him. “I picked out a song for us to sing. I bet you didn’t know I could sing, huh?”  “AH. NO!”  The DJ called his name up to the singing area. I had no plans of singing – until I heard the song. I heard “Tequila” by The Champs start to play.  There is only ONE word! LOL. I stopped in my tracks when I heard the DJ say what an adorable pair “Chestnut and his wife make dancing together.” Did she just refer me to his wife?! Holy Fuck!!! I know I was drunk by this time. I remember laughing a lot, but parts of missing.  The number of drinks is over 10 by this time of the evening. I hadn’t eaten nor did I remember to drink any water this time.  Shortly after our singing debut we left in search of something new.

From the Land of Sky Blue Water

From the Land of Sky Blue Water

Off to the pool hall we went. On the drive there is when he blew out the rear bass speaker in my car. He turned the volume wayyyyy up, like he had done countless times in his house when I was there trying to pass out. I am not happy knowing that my speaker in my good car is blown and no longer works properly. Grrrrrr. When we arrived at the pool hall, I was having trouble keeping up with his walking stride. He looks back “You alright? Still with me?” “Yeah. I’m here.” Before we entered the pool hall I spotted a dude that he doesn’t like. Funny there are a lot of men that he doesn’t get along with or have had been in fights with. I pointed out “Hey there’s Ed. He just got into that car with some really young chick! And the windows are all steamed up!!” He turns around hunches over and pounds on the trunk of the car. I was half way to the door of the pool hall, he comes sprinting up next to me, laughing. “We’re awful people.” I tell him.

No babe, we’re a team. Good or bad. We really are the same person.” We walked inside the pool hall. There was only one person inside playing the slot machine. The bartender was the one who I think is very mean. She shouldn’t be a bartender. I understand that she gets tired of all the bullshit from drunk people however, that’s the job. She has a mean impatient personality. We ordered our drinks. “It’s dead in here!” I whisper to him. “That’s because she’s working here, no one likes her. They won’t stay if she’s working. She’s not fun. Finish your drink and let’s go.” He demanded. I guzzled my drink and we were out the door. We walked to the bar next door. It was super quiet there too. “What the fuck?! What’s going on in town that no one is out on a Saturday night?!” He laughs. A few working men come over to him & acknowledge his presence. I can understand why some women want to be on his arm. He is that guy who gets respect, but is also a bit crazy. The guy that you never know what to expect. It’s always an exciting ride to be by his side. I wish it could be more than what it is, but that’s impossible for both of us. We both know that too much time together will end in destruction. One of guys that came over had been one to add suspicion to our relationship by asking questions to another bartender. I made the mistake of telling him that. “Watch this…Hey Bob…What is this I hear that you are asking questions about us?”  Bob starts to stutter, “Oh no man…Nothing like that. It just seemed, ya know. That you guys are like more than tight friends, after I met her husband. She seemed to be indifferent to him. And you were right there with her.” My friend drinks his beer, has his back turned away from Bob. As if to say “fuck off and you’re full of shit, quit ass kissing me.” Bob looks at me and apologizes to me. However, I realize I fucked that up. I was told that in confidence and I broke it. Shit. Damn my big mouth. Time to go. He had played the slot machine a few times. I played the jukebox and it was really dead and it was only 10pm.

Only 75 cent Draft Hamm's Beer

Only 75 cent Draft Hamm’s Beer

We ended up back where we started. Back in the ‘hood, back with family. There I realized I was kind of fucked up. He walked in first, I followed and immediately scanned to our spot there sat his ex girlfriend was there with her friends. Strange, but not too long ago his ex & I were partying together when he stopped talking to me for a few months. He walked up to her & hugged her. He turned around after that and let me greet her as he walked to the other side of the bar to some seats. I hugged her and gave some brief insecure greeting. I don’t know why our friendship apart. I blame myself for something I did. I always say something or do something that is unacceptable. She had two other friends with her at the bar. “Thank you for not leaving me.” somberly I mumbled to him. “Awww look babe’s jealous that she’s out with her other friends and not you.” I reacted in a punch to his shoulder without thinking. He laughed loudly at me. “Do you feel better now? Punch me all you want to, because you’re not hurting me. Awwww Kitty Cat’s upset.” He started poking at me again. I punched him more. I remember I wouldn’t look in her direction nor in Pop’s direction. I hung on his shoulder in shame. “Babe, I ain’t leaving you. We came together and we are leaving together. PERIOD.

I know, but sometimes I know you crave attention just like I do. But I’m not sure I can handle it if you went with her. Or even went home with her!

Rum & PBRHey! I told you what happened the last time we were together. I didn’t have to, but I did. I have NO desire to have her in my bed.” As we finished up that part of our conversation she comes walking up to us. Standing in the middle of us she just asking questions. “So what are you guys out doing?” He doesn’t turn in her direction but remains facing forward, crosses his arms and says nothing. I pipe up “Where’s your man at tonight?” She turns to me “he’s in Wisconsin for the weekend. The kids are at my sister’s and I have an empty house.” She looks at him and tries to whisper in his direction “wanna stop by later?” He acts put out, as if to say “go away.” He only says to her “No, no I don’t. I’m out with Cat tonight.” I breathed a huge sigh of relief. My fear of abandonment was super high until that moment. She laughed off his rejection and looked at me “What’s going with you? What are you doing with him? Where’s your man? How are things with you two? I thought you stopped going out because of your marriage. Now I see you out here.” I don’t know why but I pointed at Chestnut and said “it’s all his fault if I end up getting a divorce.” She says “OMG! why didn’t you call me? I’m your friend. I will be there to help you, even if it’s just to listen.” I felt fake. I am the type of person that will never call someone with my problems. I never call. If I do call it’s because I know that person will not reject me or leave me hanging with my raw skin of emotions exposed. I don’t remember what else was said, because I had any where from 14 -16 drinks within an 11 hour time frame. If the math is correct my BAC was over .20 and the legal limit is .08.

I was getting hungry, but it was already late in the evening. I was feeling the effects of the alcohol dehydrating my body. Too Late. A part of me knew this was gonna hurt in the morning, but I had already decided when the evening started I didn’t want to take care of him. I wanted to be the drunk one, to see if he would, could care about me. Talk about fucked up thinking. He didn’t fail me. He fixes me some food. HA! Pops doesn’t have anything. But another ex girlfriend who is now the bartender at Pop’s place had placed a basket of freshly popped popcorn in front of me. She did it with a smile on her face. As if to silently say “sober up.” He put some lime & salt on it. He also got a bag of pork rinds for me. After a serious conversation we had after she left us alone, we decided to leave and call it a night. “Gimme the keys!” He demands “WHY!?” I ask. “Cause you’re not sober enough to drive honey. I already fucked my world up, I would feel like shit if something happened to you. Remember I do love you, maybe not the way I should, but I still have some feelings left in me.” Dinner

I refused to hand over my keys. We both notice 4 squad cars just past the intersection. “Turn! Don’t go straight. Don’t take the gamble.” So I turn. I was on auto-pilot. I pulled into his driveway. “Come on babe, come inside and call the old man and tell him that you are sleeping here tonight. There is the sofa and besides I now have a roommate. Nothing will happen I promise. Come on! Shut the car off.” WHO the FUCK is he to tell me what to do! I can handle myself. I smiled at him. We shared a moment of silence as we looked at each other in the eye. He leaned into to kiss me. “I knew you wouldn’t stay. Text me when ya get home. PLEASE!” My phone had died hours ago. I did get a text from his ex suggesting that I go to her house to sleep it off because she was worried about me. I never answered her.

He leaned in to kiss me goodnight. We kissed a few times. He got out of the car. I watched him walk up the steps and turn around to wave bye. I felt that would be the last time I would see him for a while.

The next morning my phone buzzed with texts that I had missed while sleeping off my bender.

Him: “Thanks for the good times!Thanks for the good times!!!

Me:  Back at ya. Just finished tossing my cookies. UGH!

Him: LOL More good times!

Me: Righttttt!

Him: Yup! eating sum soup wishing it was menudo right now. Yup. Eating some soup wishing it was menudo right now!

Me: That’s funny cause I’m eating soup too. Throat is raw from tossing. just kill me!

Him: LIGHTWEIGHT!!! lol was gonna ask if you wanted to go for some bloody mary’s with Julie.LMFAO. J/K

Me: I ain’t a lightweight I mixed all those drinks. Rum, Vodka, Beer! I don’t drink beer. Besides your X will be down there to whine about you AGAIN!

Him: haha. I know! ur an animal! prolly the Hamm’s LMAO. Yeah the X has been blowing up my roommate’s phone.

Me: That is so disrespectful to your roommate!

Him: yeah but look who it is tho!

Me: look at who keeps sticking his dick in it!!!

Him: NOPE! Not anymore. WATCH!

Me: Whatever. You’re a punk

Him: NOPE…told you I’M DONE! I mean it you’ll see

Me: ok

Him: well get better and we will haft do it again real soon!

Me: Yup. Thanks for the good times!

Him: There will be many more!!!

Me: Woohoo!!!”

Another Saturday with Him [BFMH2014]

WARNING: This post may contain “triggers” for some readers. Regarding states of Mental Health. Symptoms of BPD & ASPD. Substance Abuse. Sexual Content. Read at Your Own Risk.

I had decided to take a road trip – west. I wanted to drive and enjoy the time alone before my week would be filled with family.

I heard the sound of an incoming text. I didn’t recognize the number, but I looked at it any way.

Him: Hey Babe. It’s R. Are you busy?

Me: Shopping, but not in town.

Him: OH SNAP! LOL OK hit me up on my phone when u get back into town.

Me: K. Gimme 45 minutes. Whatcha need? A ride?

Him: Yeah but that will be too late. It’s all good. Wanna go have some drinks when you get back?

Me: sure.

Him: Right. I’m out. Don’t use this number anymore. Hit me on mine. OK. phone’s NOT gonna be turned on today so are you back yet? 

Me: (I had been home for about an hour. I text his phone to lie about being caught in traffic. I wanted him to wait. Become impatient. Get frustrated. I fixed some chopped steak with noodles and mushrooms & onions for my Beloved).  Just got into town. That explains why you didn’t answer my text. 

Him: Well come get me!!! LOL 

Me: Be there in a few minutes. Gotta stop off at home first.

Rum & PBRI arrived at his house to see him and his roommate standing on the front porch. Once again, he and his Crazy Cunt broke up. And this is what happens, he calls me. Why? Because misery loves company. He knows I can’t say no to him. He knows that our mental issues are so similar that it’s only me that truly understands him. But sometimes I wonder if that’s true, I’m pretty certain that he is easier to figure out than I am. I’ve been told that I can be complex when it comes to understanding my deep seeded issues.

I let him have it. I yelled at him, not holding anything back about how I felt with being the one he calls when he & crazy cunt break up. He tells me that she threatened to call the police (again). She recently had a brief run in with the police and child services. I’m sure that he will be back with her by the end of next week. I did tell him that eventually he will burn his bridge with me. I will get tired of being used. Yet, a part of me knows that I enjoy the attention, the running with a crowd that normally I would never associate with. Going places that any respectable women would not enter alone or with someone.

I mentioned that I had seen his dad walking towards the family business. After we finished our discussion on his front porch, after I spoke my peace. When he finally understood how serious I truly was when I said to him “You are about to light the fuse, once it’s lit there is nothing else I will or can do for you.

He suggested stopping by the family business. Not my family, but his. It wasn’t opened yet. There were a few guys in there. He knew them from partying with them before.

UV BlueI told my Beloved before I left that I was in the mood to fight. I told him to be ready for a phone call. I wasn’t in the mood to stand for any bullshit this time. So when I walked up to him, he introduced me to his roommate and I immediately started in on him about being used. I scolded him, told him how much he thrives on the drama. He creates the drama himself, so that he can be in control of whats going on around him. We both feel normal in a chaotic world.

However, I’ve been blessed with a man who is secure & stable. He wants no part of drama, no craziness, no wild nights of bar hopping. He lives all of that through me in a brief time period. Just to taste it and to remind himself that he doesn’t like it. He is somewhat of an enabler, he enables me to behavior the way I do. I do know that he will put his foot down when he becomes tired of my shenanigans.

Back to the bar. There was some electrical issues and he didn’t want his grandpa doing all the work. His dad stayed up front serving the few guys that had been there since the night before. I walked back to the ladies room, I stayed in the back and made a phone call. One of the men came back to me and started talking to me. “Oh I didn’t notice you were on the phone, sorry.” A few minutes later the other guy, the cute one walked to me. “Excuse me but can I buy you a drink?

I replied “Sure. Thank you.” IMG_7375.JPG

I continued my phone conversation. After I finished I walked back into the bar area, looked for the fresh drink. I was confused. There was no new drink. My friend’s dad left the bar to start sweeping. The guy looked across the bar at me and mouthed the words “He said NO. I can’t buy you a drink!

WHAAAAA?!

I felt angry. A man was gonna buy me a drink and that meant the money didn’t come from my pocket. I had to keep telling myself that I was in a “Mexican bar.” A place culturally different from the bars I am used too. Besides that I knew people, I needed to act appropriately. When my friend came back I told him that his dad wouldn’t let that cute guy buy my a drink. He asked “Do you know why? FUCK HIM!

No I don’t. But that does annoy me a bit.” I sipped on my old drink. He sipped his Miller lite. We sat there for a minute or two. I wanted to know why. I walked past him to go to the ladies room and I stopped to ask him. “Did Pop say why you couldn’t buy me a drink?” He answered “Pop said I had no business buying you a drink because you were his son’s girlfriend.”

WHAAAAA?!” I kind of knew why he would say that. When we first walked in my friend said those guys had probably been drinking since last night into this evening. When I spoke with them I could say blood shot eyes, hear slurred words and see that they had some balance issues. I introduced myself. Shook the cute guys hand. His name was Johnny something, he introduced his dad sitting next to him. Johnny looks at me all blurry eyed “You’re pretty….You’re not just pretty you’re beautiful!” I smiled at his cute drunkenness. “Yes. I know.” Just then Pops came back and looked at me “You’re suppose to be over there with my son.

Rum & PineappleWhy?! Do I know like one of his two dollar whores? I don’t think so.”  Why I said that I have no idea. I was just getting angry at the idea of someone making a decision for me. He yelled “I’m telling you to go sit over there with him.” I excused myself, walking back over to my friend. He’s laughing the entire time. He leaned in and whispered to me that his dad had told him what was going on, why he did what he did. First off, most respectable Mexican women wouldn’t be in that bar. Second, it was best to say I was his girlfriend because it closes the door to any future conversation. I would not be bothered by any other men in the bar. I remember something my mother told me about being with a man on a date. Even though this wasn’t a date I was still with him, a man. I was told that a woman don’t flutter around like a butterfly. She remains close to her man or the man she is with, because she is his eye candy. Another man can look but can’t touch, kind of thing. Yeah, that’s something that my mother told, my father had a different twist, but basically it was the same. I was not in that mind set because I belonged to one man. The man I was with is not that man.

We finished out drinks. “Let’s go to that dive bar we went to last time.” He muttered as we walked out of the bar into the parking lot. Strangely, I felt safe with him. I didn’t feel like I was babysitting him this time. I could feel his energy as he walked along side of me, I fell back in my stride to see his reaction. He stopped and turned back “You alright?” I smiled. “Yup.” I picked up my pace to my car. He turned up the volume on the car radio searching for some tunes to blast out my rear speakers.

TO BE CONTINUED……

It Didn’t Take Long [BFMH2014]

He & I had been continuing our communication through the weekend. Saturday morning I told my Beloved “I’m not answering my phone, I’m scared he’s gonna text me again.”

Start from the beginning of this toxic dysfunctional relationship. 

About an hour later I heard that familiar ringtone.

Why do I miss Brittany so much?

I can’t answer that one. Other than she has become a habit for you to numb the loneliness & she occupies your time. And I remembered you used $10 last night on 2 games of pool! That’s where the money went.”

OMFG I keep wanting to talk to her! She sent me this today.

IMG_7004.JPG

She’s lying!!!

LOL

She’s doing it to make you jealous. And it’s game playing to engage you. Cause if you act jealous & react than she knows you care about her and shown your weakness.

UGH…I Hate This!!!

and she’ll use your emotions against you.

Yeah I do miss her!!

It’s a game you played before. You did it to M with me. Making her jealous & mind fucking her. You miss Brittany because she keeps you busy and full of drama so you don’t have to feel anything else.

Well…I don’t like it!

No one likes being played. It’s your game – change the rules!

*sigh* SUCKS!

I know you care, you love – you just don’t want anymore knowing it. Your secret is safe with me.

I do love her. Don’t know why. Just do.

Do you love her or love the idea of her?

love her…2 years we been together

So!!! We been together since 2010! It’s your fault if you love her and want a life with her. Then go for it! Shit.

Love You too Silly!!!! Naaaaa I need to replace her…not chase her.

If she truly makes you happy and is there for you when no one else is, respects you as a man then yes go be happy with her. if you’re happy than I’m happy because you’re happy and that’s what love is. Yeah, no chasing it’s as bad as me having an allowance!

I need to cut her loose. Too much drama

True. She’s pretty trashy for my taste. I don’t think she respects you either. Hell she don’t even respect herself.

I know this. But You know it’s comfortable.

Yeah ok then if what you say is true. Than you don’t love her. It’s just a “comfortable things.”

Yes it is. No love involved if I really think on it. Just comfortable.

Finally! You’re being honest with yourself. She’s a bad habit that you need to kick.

Uhuh. I do. But it’s so hard.

LOL. Shit ain’t nothing in life easy. Gotta work for it and at it. So then you know you’ve learned the lesson and you can be proud of yourself.

After this conversation, the next day I found out he crawled back to her. The emotional outbursts began in me. I flew from jealousy to rage to sadness to relief.

Because I have BPD my emotions are always unpredictable for me. There is no controlling my emotions.  I admit I enjoy playing the game with him, but we always end up fighting. Months go by before he texts. However,  I do know his weakness. How can I exploit it? Use his weakness of me to my benefit to bring him to his knees.

I do think since our relationship has shifted to a different level that he might not response in the manner in which I would hope. I need to have something that benefits him. That check has been spent. I don’t think he thinks like that anymore. So that would leave me out of luck, I don’t have anything to keep him hooked. Only my personality is left to keep him around, I really just wanna push him and push him hard.

He took away my escape – again. There is another who comes to mind that always made the world seem ok. I wish he was around to make me laugh & smile. I guess my emotional instability is triggered by our unstable relationship. Because in my “safe place” I don’t have these emotional outbursts. Everything is even, but with him it’s only a matter of time before my emotions go off the chart and it takes days to return to the baseline.  I’m thinking perhaps releasing my bear for the sake of my own good. He will keep me from hurting myself (again) if I ask him. He will protect me, he will also allow me to choke myself on the rope.  All I need to do is whisper the magic words and the bear will be released to devour anyone in its path meanwhile I will be locked away. Safe from those others who would come for me, safe from myself to change my mind.  If I do release the bear, I will never be able to walk down that path again. There will no longer be a bridge there. I must choose and I must do it quickly.

 

 

 

My Safe Place [BFMH2014]

What is your “safe place” when you are upset? (This can also be a person.)  I have talked about this before, not directly. However, I have referenced my marriage to the Warner Brothers team of “Mark Anthony & Pussyfoot.” I’m the get into everything mischievous kitten. My Beloved is the big Bull dog, who does whatever it takes to keep me safe & protect me.

When I first met him I was suspicious of his behaviors & intentions , independent and rebellious. He would always say things to me to lift me up. I would come back with denial. He would reply with eventually you will learn to trust me. You will believe me. He’s still working on that with me. 

Marriages go through so much. Trials, family drama, birth and death. He has been by my side through some of the most difficult times in my life. By my side when I had to make decisions that to this day haunt my dreams. No judgement. He has always provided me with his listening ear. He allows me to “vomit” my emotional upset on to him. 

My youngest child (The Manchild) recently told me “my memories are of my mother storming through the front door, when it’s 100 degrees outside and just emotionally vomiting all over my father.” In the beginning I would do this and my Beloved would get upset & take everything I said personally. When it never was, it was just me. Trying to unload the emotional contaminants that had stored inside of me. We discussed it, he then understood, it was something I needed to survive in the outside world. 

I tend not to share My Beloved with the outside world unless I have to. I want him to stay contaminant free. I don’t want any of the “ick” of my crazy life on him.  He is my safe zone, my safe place and my comfort keeper. Where ever he is, that’s home. That’s where I belong, I can stray into the dark alley ways of life. Look around at all the commotion going on, turn around and see him waiting for me. I will choose to walk back to him. I don’t need to have any possessions in my life, all I need is to have him in my life – With My Beloved, I will always be home & safe.

 

Hanging with Him on Halloween Pt 2 [BFMH2014]

I picked him up around 4:45 in the late afternoon.

We need to go to CiCi’s (Crazy Cunt) house. I gotta pick up my cigarettes.”

Cigarettes?! WTF?! You’re smoking now?

Not so much anymore, I bought her a carton of cigarettes and I want at least half the carton.” He gives me directions to her house. I won’t admit to any illegal involvement to how he retrieved the cigarettes. I wasn’t too concerned with the situation. As long as he kept me out of it, since we have kept our communication secret from both our circles there is no concern. He comes back with 8 packs of Marlboro Reds. “Was she home?” I was concerned that she would be chasing him with a kitchen knife or coming at me. In the car, he puts the packs in a plastic bag of candy that I had in the car. He looks at me. “Ya know I always wanted a getaway driver. Can you imagine what we would be like together?” He laughs loudly at his own statement. Let’s go to the bowling alley. There’s a dude there who owes me some money that I need to collect.

Don’t forget to read Part One of this story

We enter the bowling alley.  Mostly older people who have no other place to go. He ordered a beer, I just sat there. We waited. He finished his beer. “Fuck. That dude didn’t even show. Let’s go to the pool hall.

Rum & ShotsAt the pool hall, it’s early. The bartenders had changed shifts. The bartender & I now know each other from last Sunday. She pours our drinks. I text my spouse to let him know where I was. I was told to tell him to come down for a drink. There had been tension between them. I wasn’t sure if having my spouse here would be a good thing or bad thing. Being with him, he would touch me, hug me, kiss me. Looking back it was almost a sign of possession of property. However, he never displayed this type of behavior before the last few times we partied together. My spouse arrived to the bar, sitting down in my seat. There was some light tension. But what felt most disturbing is how he would put his arm around me. Hold me tight against him while my spouse sat in the seat across from me.  My spouse is the excellent example of not getting jealous. He knows the truth. My spouse also knows that its him that I will always be returning to at the end of the night. He’s not worried about me. Another round of drinks. My spouse drank his two glasses of E&J with coke. I hugged him goodbye & kissed him. I held on to him tightly. Then I kissed him on the cheek as we parted.

When he came back inside to the bar, the texting started. First his mother, then CiCi started in on him again. I yelled at him about getting sucked in to a conversation with the Crazy Cunt again. He looked at me, smiled and put his phone face down on the bar top. From here the night gets wild, fast and completely out of control. We all know how bar people can be. The patrons just start talking to who ever is sitting next to them about anything. There was a toothless woman, her man and her son. She was being loud, yelling at her son about his broken relationship. He walked over to me, explaining his mother’s last statement. I remember saying something about how it was his ex’s loss and that he would someday find the woman of his dreams. I didn’t think much of it when he just walked away from me without excusing himself or when he walked up alongside me, putting his arm around my waist. Shortly after that the spouse of the woman walked past us. I noticed a stare down occurring. He yelled “Do we have a problem?” The other guy yelled back with a puffed up chest “Do YOU have a problem?” He came back with the same question “Nah, man I asked you DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?

Not sure what the dude said to him, just that they were staring at each other, everything moved so fast. He lunged forward at the guy. I remember holding him back. Him yelling “I ain’t no punk!” There were a few of his friends that held him back. It got really ugly when he picked up his beer bottle and was about to break it over the bar top. One of the guys grabbed it out of his hand. I don’t remember what happened on other side. It was crazy. Trying to get him settled down. I couldn’t let him end up in jail because I had talked to his mother earlier, telling her that I would do my best to take care of him. He had gotten into a fight the night before and knocked a dude out. I didn’t realize how strong I was until I had to hold him back. I had one leg against the wall as a barrier while the other guys grabbed him from behind.  We finally got him out side. He & I stood in the parking lot when a few of his crew came walking up to us. Then the story started again. He asked the crew “J! You got my back? Cause I ain’t no punk!” J answered To hell & back bro. You really wanna do this?” As his hand is on the door handle he replies “Hell Yes!!  They both decided to go back into the bar to “handle” it. I can’t say too much, but I realized that his crew is very much hardcore. TheAfter the fighting has stopped adrenaline starts kicking in again when the mother comes at me. “You better check your man, because my son was only trying to talk to you.” Her mouth was moving but I couldn’t hear anything. It was my turn to get held back. I told her “First off, he AIN’T my man and second you bess step off cause you don’t wanna start shit with me, not now.” There was three dudes in the bar now that are part of his crew. One at each door and one standing behind him. I standing between the woman and him. Again we ended up in the bar next door.

We had drinks at the bar next door, he was so jumpy. He kept looking at the door. Watching. Waiting. It was rough there for a second. Then one of the crew came to get us “OK, dude. Those fuckers are gone now. N told them they had to leave.” He left the bar with his crew member to go next door to the other bar. I’m sitting there trying to process everything, just to catch my breath. When a girl comes at me “Are you his girl? Are you with him?

Yea, why?

Because he’s fighting again.” MOTHERFUCKER!!! I run back over there.

As I walk into the bar I see the young kid walking towards the door. He points at me “Hey Can I talk to you outside? This all started because of you!”

Sure. Let’s Go

He was trying to apologize again. But before we could end the it all on a good note, he came flying out of the front door. Lunged for the kid with a closed fist. Yelling stuff I don’t even remember. We were outside on Main St USA where the world passes by. I had enough of him being a pain in the ass. He was totally zoned out. He looked at me BABE! Do you think I’m a punk?!”

NO! Now let’s just walk away.” But it just kept going. That’s when I slapped him in the face. I felt awful, I was expecting to get knocked to the floor. But I felt I was left no other choice with his out of control behavior. We got pushed back into the other bar – again. I rubbed his face. Babe, I’m sorry.” 

NO YOU’RE NOT!!

I laugh. Yes, yes I am.” I kiss his cheek gently. He takes a deep breath. “I didn’t know what that dude was saying to you. I didn’t like him talking to you.”

“Are you telling me that you were jealous? You didn’t trust me enough to handle my business?” 

What do you think? Do you think I was jealous? NO. I didn’t think you could handle it. And YEAH I gave the punk a dirty look the first time he talked to you. He needed to step away. I’m telling you I didn’t like it. Not at all.”

“Oh Lord! It’s not your place to be jealous. Don’t forget that! And you need to trust me! I would have come to you, like I have all the other times before. Don’t you remember? I have your back and I know you got mine. This is why we make a good team. 

We didn’t get to finish the conversation because another crew member came in Cops are on their way! We gotta go. NOW!” 

FUCK!!!!  We looked out the front door, cops were just pulling up. He started walking for the back door. He looks back at me extends his hand for mine. “Don’t run. Walk calmly to the car.” We got in the car, we watched the other crew members drive off in one gray blacked-out window suburban. The guy drove off in a tan blacked-out window Ford Tundra. Just as we turned to corner another squad car pulls into the alley where we had just came from. We ended driving into the ‘hood. Familiar territory. We stopped into the “family” bar.  Family as in it’s filled with Latinos. We were safe there. We had more drinks there, he got into it with the bartender. I had no idea that he has fucked everyone and anyone on this side of town. I don’t care, not anymore.

Being with him, it’s an insane ride. The adrenaline rush is always around the corner.  I love the attention he gives me. He touches me, kisses me.Dinner Don’t misunderstand, he kisses me on the forehead, cheek or the side of my head. He pulls my hair, smacks my ass or holds me around my waist. Much like a drunk person being very touchy. I love the way he looks me in the eyes. The way he tilts his head to watch me when his ex is standing in front of him cussing him out. He loves the way I get in his girl’s faces. How we think the same defiant thoughts. We ended up returning to the pool hall. When we walked in, a few patrons took deep breaths in hopes that we wouldn’t stay. But we did. Played the jukebox so more, danced around a little more, played pool. We ordered some pizza, some cheese sticks and he comes back with a handful of Slim Jim’s & a bag of Doritos. When he brings the pizza slices, placing them down in front of me. I ask “Did you spit on it or lick it or anything?” Some of the guys around the bar started laughing. He picks up the slice of pizza, licking the entire slice. I pick it up and take a huge bite. I heard that “Ewwww” sound coming from one guy and a few others just laughed. He points at me “That’s MY girl! Right here!”  He walks over to the pool table area and sets up the table. I’m finishing my pizza.

One of the other bartenders asks me “Seriously, tell me. What’s your story with him?”

“Excuse me?” 

“I’ve known him a few months. I’ve seen how he acts with his girls. He only flies off like that when he’s jealous. If you’re not one of his girls, you have to be someone super special for him to act like that. Who are you, really?!”

“I’m his dirty little secret. No one special, really. I’ll only be here for a short time, then I’ll just be a memory.” I hate to admit this, but I don’t remember leaving the pool hall. I do remember pulling into his driveway, him leaning in to kiss me on the lips. We said our goodbyes as he got out of the car. It was 1:30 in the morning.

Don’t forget to read Part One of this story

I know from our dysfunctional relationship pattern that soon we will be torn apart. We will become entangled with each other that we start to choke each other. It’s the game we play, it’s impossible to stop. It can never be. It will never be. We can only have fun in the now. And if I never see him again this weekend I will treasure always.

Hanging with Him on Halloween [BFMH2014]

The phone calls started early Friday morning. This is the second time he called me, not texting me. I was sitting in the doctor’s office with my mother. This personalized ringtone resonates in my pocket. I answer it knowing who it is. He asks what I am doing and I explain my morning schedule. I told him I would be there in two hours. He called again an hour later, asking if I was on my way. He calls while my mother & I are eating our breakfast. If you ain’t here in 30 minutes, it’s on! Cause that’s the kind of mood I’m in. I wanna fight.”

Living Dead Girl“Yea yea bitch. I’ll get there when I get there and I’ll kick your fucking ass if you start shit with me.” He laughs. My mother asks why are you jumping through hoops? Make him work for it! I can’t believe my mother is talking to me like this. She continues on with “why do you wanna get involved with him? He’s bad news. Always has been, even his mother said so.” I just shook my head. Let’s go, ma. I got breakfast.”

I dropped her off at home. Sped over to the pool hall. There is sitting with the bartender arguing with him about drinking shots. He was asking for shots, but she was telling him NO. She cut him off. He was catching a good buzz. It’s only 11 in the morning. He ordered my drink for me. I told him that I had to return to work for my afternoon shift.Call in!” I smiled. “I tell ya what…I’ll go to work. When I finished I’ ll come back to pick you up and we can come back.”

You promise? In the voice of a little boy. Yes, baby. I promise. I was thinking in the back of my mind, that he’ll get involved with someone else and forget about me. We sat at the bar, talking again about what’s going on in our lives. How he is trying to get over her, but he’s too attached. I love her. He moans. “What’s love got to do with it? Do you really love her or the idea of her? I think she’s a habit that you’ve created for yourself.” I could feel my jealousy simmering below the surface. I can’t be jealous. It’s not my place. It will never be my place. Oh how those thoughts would ring through the night.

I dressed up for Halloween. Living Dead Girl, gothic girl or punk rocker. He would pull my ponytails, pull my hair, he knows what we like. He would look at me, deep into my eyes. You’re so fucking cute.” He would kiss me quickly on the lips. I would look around to see where the bartender was. I was afraid at any given moment if someone will figure us out or see us our secret. He would stare at me, smiling. “Call into work, stay with me today.” I touched his cheek,I’ll come back to you. I promise.

I didn’t know at the start of this adventure how it would affect me the next day. I’m emotionally drained. Depressed, withdrawn. I became quickly attached stronger than before. He is a drug that is killing me. He courses through my veins. He is consumed by another, knowing that she is his destruction. We each have our dysfunctional dance partners.

The bartender mentioned something about his “other woman” moving in today. My heart sunk into my stomach. My anger & jealousyjersey started to boil within my core. I tried to hide it. But instead I sat there beginning to stew in my emotions. He can spot me mood change easily, even a slight variation in my mood or facial expression he will confront me with. I started to “push” him. I started to shut down. I was angry because he didn’t share this information with me. I had listened to other shit, but not something that affects our quiet time together. What’s wrong? You’re not smiling anymore. I just looked at him. I wasn’t going to discuss this in public. I can’t. He pushes the issue. I covertly tell him what bothering me. We tell each other how we can leave each other and never think about each other again. I laughed at him. You could never leave me.” I yell at him. He looks down then looks me in the eye You’re right I can’t and I won’t.

As we continue to drink our drinks, he continues to touch me. He looks at my legs. Again in his little boy voice he leans in towards me, whispering in my ear. Your legs are gorgeous and even better wrapped around me. Do we have time to go back to the house to fuck? I giggled.Yes. I’ll always make time for you.”  We said goodbye to the bartender and headed to the house. He was buzzing pretty good. I wasn’t, not will only one drink in me. We arrived in the house. I took my leather coat off, he sat on the coffee table to connect his phone for some tunes. He sat on the sofa, patted the seat next to him. I walked over, sitting down next to him. He leaned in to kiss me. We kissed passionately, slowly. Our tongues danced, his tongue entered my mouth and I sucked it. My hands caressed Asleephis body, under his shirt. He laid down on the sofa and I knelt by side him. My hand traveling under his jeans, he unzips his jeans pushing them just passed his ass. I turn to look at him, we kiss so more. I lay my head on his chest, I doze off. I wake up to the sound of him breathing hard. I get up, trying to wake him. He whispers What time you get off of work?” 

I answer “4.” He muttersI’ll call you at 4:01.” I quietly said ok, babe.”

I drove home, fixed my look in the mirror. Went to work and finished work. I looked at my iPhone to check the time. It was 4:08 and the phone was silent. I thought maybe he got distracted with someone else. It was 4:20 when I heard his ringtone. Hey, I just got home.”

“Oh stop it! Are you coming over here?”

Yes babe I’m on my way.

Continue with PART TWO of this story!

On My Emotional Roller Coaster [BFMH2014]

After spending time with “da hoodrat” I am now suffering the consequences. I am emotionally confused.

I feel angry at myself for giving him my time and for listening to him. I don’t believe that he told me the truth. Ok. There was truth in there somewhere, but I’m sure that he found it difficult to be honest with me. I’m angry for allowing myself to get sucked into his story.

I feel rejected. He has all those other people in his life. However, I must stay a secret. This makes me angry again. I feel slightly abandoned, however this was one of the first times in a very long time that he texted me afterwards to tell me how he appreciated our time together. Emotional

My self-image spirals down. I feel fat, ugly and undesirable. Even though he said it wasn’t me. That it was him, that he was under stress and medication preventing him for an erection. But, it still causes my self-image, my self-esteem to spiral down. Not feeling worthy of anything more.

I feel jealousy because I want to be that other person. I want to be the one. I know I will always have a special place with him that no one else with ever have. Not just saying that, I know it’s true. I have something that no other women with ever have with him, yet I’m still jealous of those other women. I am jealous of the life he has. Sure, he graduated from Bad Boy U, that’s what makes him exciting. I’m jealous that he has charisma, which I don’t have.

I’m emotionally confused. I feel one thing, moments later I feel another. I got caught up in the start of the push-pull game.

I was wondering would it bother you if we stopped? Don’t answer now. Think about it first.

Well, be more specific silly!! Stopped what? Stopped talking? Stopped other stuff? No contact at all? What are you talking about?

lol. well the only tine we talk is when we are together. I was basically thinking no contact for a while. you’ve got a lot on your plate right now. Just thinking one less thing to add to your stress, ya know?

No stress. lol. actually was a stress reliever this time to sit & talk.

oh ok. just making sure after we talked. SOmetimes it helps to eliminate as many stressors.

 My emotions are on a roller coaster. I haven’t been here in since August, it’s now October. I think that’s pretty good. I know he is leaving, he has to. He doesn’t have a choice, yet I feel abandoned, rejected. I think about where else can I get my fix. How will I satisfy that urge? I wish there was someone else who knows what he knows. I don’t have any new prospects. I’m feeling like throwing in the towel on all of this. I feel an empty feeling being here. I know to take one time at a day, but it’s how I feel-today.

I will continue to muddle along however I think I might tweak all of this a little. Sometimes we need to re-focus on what’s important. That’s what I might need to do, for myself.

My Crazy Ways [BFMH2014]

Sitting here after talking to a friend who said she seen him back in town. Oh Shit! No Way!! He’s working in the same place he was before he left. All sorts of thoughts float through my mind. I start looking at the unfamiliar cars parked on my street. I start to look over my shoulder as I walk down the street. I wonder if there will be a time when I run into him in a public setting. What will I do? How will I handle it?

Not sure what I will do, it will just have to happen.

I know that once the word is out on the street that he is back, I will get treated differently once again. As if I talk to him or that I can no longer be trusted with any sort of information and then my Charlie Sheen lifestyle will end. It will end as quickly as it started. I want to have that life on the back burner. I need it. I crave it. I made mention of this to someone, just to hear his advice. What a joke. He tells me “just tell him you’re a big girl and don’t need any help.” This advice coming from a man who wants it get into my pants. UGH. If he’s like this, he must be absolutely boring and selfish in bed. Just another reason I’m thrilled I never had any sexual encounter with him. I would hate myself if I gave him any type of fuck. sitting-pretty

Then someone who is like me, impulsive & damaged has ended up spiraling out of control. I’m kind of thankful that I didn’t get caught with him the other day. My job would be gone, I would be packing my belongings. Sure it’s a great feeling acting out, misbehaving. I tell my Beloved all the time, if he had not “saved” me by marrying me. I would have been just like him. My life would have been a series of dangerous events, situations in which I would need attorneys, bail money and a new identity. People like me need someone who balances us out. Someone who will keep us anchored, so that we can remain somewhat safe from ourselves.

I think of those men who came before my Beloved. Those bastards had no clue on what to do with me. Sad, really. That none of them knew what to do, what to say.  I feel bad for my male counterpart, who has no one to keep him anchored and safe. We get along because we both have what each other wants. I want freedom and he wants security. Sure he can say he isn’t all into relationships, but he’s lying. Dying on the inside. I know, been there.

My feelings this evening are trying to fight my urges. Strong urges. Urges to take risks. I ended up being disappointed in this evening. Disappointed in those folks who say they are close to me, but truly have no clue about what’s going on it my head. Disappointed in sitting here, wishing I could do what is in my head.

The above is just a very random journal like post. This is something one would read in my hand written journal.

I think a cold shower is in order.

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