Remission, Recovery or Cured

medium_330043763I have read a few blogs about BPD and a few people state that they no longer meet the criteria for being diagnosed with the disorder. I wonder, if a person is diagnosed with a mental illness, such a depression or BPD, PTSD, doesn’t that mean that person always has the illness? When there are no symptoms present isn’t that remission? If the person is showing some but not all the symptoms of the illness and working in a program to rid themselves of all the symptoms isn’t that recovery?

At what point to they completely stop their therapy? Wouldn’t they need to continue some sort of follow-up every six months or a year. Maybe have someone who can aid them when they feel close to relapsing. I just keep relating it to cancer or addiction. I remember hearing that some people stop taking their medication because they start to feel better and think they no longer need the medication. Then their life spirals out of control.

The BPD person needs to be aware of their possible triggers, so that they would not jeopardize their mental stability. There must be a lot of therapy sessions involved in order for a person to be aware of their triggers. I look back to when I went to get tested for ADHD and the psychiatrist said he thought I had some of the symptoms, but then when I went into weekly counseling sessions. The counselor kept asking me what was it about my spouse that made him different from all my other relationships. Because ppl like me, with BPD symptoms find it difficult to keep up long-lasting relationships. I just celebrated my 16th year being married to My Beloved. What makes him different from the other men?

I ask myself that a lot. Compared to the men before him, he is completing the opposite of what I was accustom to dating. He is older, wiser, more settled. Calm. Methodical. I think he is co-dependent. Just my opinion, a part of him allows me to do whatever I want. I’m spoiled. He allows certain behaviors, which the other men would have had major problems with. I don’t wanna say it’s that he lets me get away with whatever I want, but it’s how I feel. Sometimes it’s upsetting because he doesn’t put his foot down. I guess I want him to save me from myself (sometimes).

Then there is my job. I stayed at one government job for over 15 years. What was different about that job? LOL the money! No seriously, the counselor wanted me to really think about it. How was I able to keep this job for so long. Now my current job is going on 4 years now.  I read that some BPD people have difficulty maintaining employment.

I have never self harmed. I do take part in risky & reckless & impulsive behavior. Unstable self-image from time to time.

I understand there are some things that trigger me to wanna act out. Different times of the year, make me unstable-emotionally. Mostly, due to the Seasonal Affective Disorder. The only symptoms I have with SAD is social withdrawal (irl) weight gain and craving foods high carbohydrates. I know when it hits me and when it stops. So, do I take medication? Nah. I make sure that I get enough sleep, lots of exercise. Not to lose weight but to maintain and to get the good chemicals in the brain to get kick started. 

Maybe its the wording, I don’t suffer from BPD now, I’m in remission. I just wanna know what the process is that a person gets to the point with they can say “I no longer meet the criteria for BPD.”

photo credit: 5 O’ Clock Lab via photopin cc

Melt App [Review]

I heard about a new audio app for iOS called Melt.

Melt is for people to express their most important thoughts in voice. Melt is Voice-over compatible for visually impaired users!

This app was created by Jason Lew, Shane Wey at Superhero Labs. Based in San Francisco, California. 

My Cons

  • There is only 60 seconds of record time.
  • Once you push the “blue” record button, another screen pops up. “What’s on your mind?” with another “blue” record button and you must tap that again to record.
  • Can not upload any art or photo to go with your audio
  • For iOS only
  • There is no saving of recorded audio. You must upload or hold it until you’re able to upload it.
  • There is no usable website.
  • I have noticed that there are a lot of younger members/users. Mostly female from the looks in the “new melters” section. There are a lot of silent members.
  • No description section for 60 second audio. There is no use of hashtags.
Melt iOS App

Melt iOS App

My Pros

  • Can share via Facebook, Twitter, email, text message and URL.
  • You can share the audio immediately after recording or share someone else’s (including yours) later on at a more convenient time.
  • There is a total number of plays on your profile, to let you know how many times your Melts have been played.
  • Has a “Featured” members section. Great way to “promote” the frequent users.
  • Commenting abilities. Both typed & audio. However, if a member uses the audio reply underneath that specific Melt, the response is not directly linked under the original Melt but placed into the main “Melt feed.”
  • Ability to “like” a Melt.

READ MORE OF MY REVIEWS

Always curious about new audio platforms, I signed up.

Signed Up for new app

Signed Up for new app

 

Once you sign up, you notice there is a drop down menu in the left hand corner. There you can see your options for moving around within the app.

Home: contains your followers “Melt feed.”

Me: contains your profile, along with all your Melts. You can see how many Melts you have uploaded. View both your followers and those that you are following. You can see the total number of plays. Currently mine is at 174.  There is a section where you can edit your profile. Name, Tagline, Location and website. Upload a bio photo. You can email an advertisement to someone about your new discovery.

Melters: Breaks down the membership in three sections. Featured. New and Search. An excellent way to found users to listen to and follow. A plus is their “featured members” section.

Melts: is the main feed where all Melts are found. Where you can listen to the new stuff.

This app is fairly new. I’m sure that there will be more changes, improvements in the near future for this growing app. It’s great for sharing a single thought on twitter. Facebook people tend to read posts verses clicking the play button. I can’t see it being popular on Facebook.  There isn’t a lot of interaction among users. There is ability to type a comment, but this is about audio. It starts to defeat the point of the app if there is more typed commenting. Difficult to reply or debate with only 60 seconds to the audio.  Of course there are always the core community users of any app, no difference here. There are a few users who truly enjoy this app. Who use it to promote awareness to their beliefs on a subject. There are some users who use it to share about their day in school. Some record their everyday routines, just being silly. I can’t see this app being used by podcasters or those who enjoy using audio for audio blogging in length. This app is short & to the point. Get your thought out there.

Once your Melt is uploaded you recieve an email with the link to your Melt. There you can also share via Twitter, Facebook, URL and embed. Below is an example of a recent Melt I did.

Saying Good-Bye

I don’t know how I’m gonna tell you,

I can’t play with you no more. – “That’s the Way” Led Zeppelin

 

 

I talked with 43 today after our shift was finished. I needed to get a few things off my chest. He has always been by my side even after I verbally tore him to shreds.

I asked for his objective opinion about my opportunity for a different job. Let me fast forward to one of the last statements he made to me. “I know you’re leaving. I can hear it in your voice and see it in your face.”

I looked down at the gravel parking lot. “I’m gonna miss you.” He said with a mournful voice.

“just let me know if you do decide to go – ok?

you’ll be the first to know…i promise.

that would be nice-thank you..you won’t make up your mind until after the next interview? or is this a done deal?

No not a done deal. yet. i’ll decide after the next interview

YOU WILL BE MISSED

haha right

tue true true…just ask me and I’ll tell ya.

lol you & G won’t get any heart palpitations in the mornings with me not there anymore. We guys won’t have any one to watch & talk about the way their dressed.

Don’t forget I have pictures!”

READ MORE ABOUT 43

We went on to discuss our past mistakes. We went back to the part where we both went wrong in our friendship. Talked about our disappointments & expectations. However, I still think he isn’t as charming as he thinks he is. He said a few things that were just kind of dumb. I had to laugh. All I could think of is that he needed to kiss my ass, because he wanted to get in my pants. I didn’t want any thing more than friendship from him. He wanted me to be a part of his life, not the other way around. I explained that to him, “me being just in your presence should give you pleasure enough. Because I am – me.”

He said that I was arrogant. I replied with “and your point is?” I’m laughing while I’m talking to him.

There was something sad about our departure. The lose of a friendship. I know he wanted more, but he never give me anything. Yet he says “I hadn’t even turned on my charm.” I laughed loudly. I always need more, stimulate the mind first. I’m taken back to the first one who seduced intellectually. He is still a part of my memories, part of my heart. But #43 is just someone that I could made laugh, to help him ease the pain of his now boring, unexciting life. Me wanted to keep me as his “Manic Pixie Dream Girl” but I couldn’t stay. There was nothing in it for me, no rush of emotional high. Perhaps that’s why I looked for new job. Quickly found one, fearful of leaving, afraid of the unknown. Sad to leave him behind. He did mention “You will find someone to replace me, I’m sure.” I’m sure too. Then again, maybe not. Because this recent experience actually bought my behavior into my reality. Too close for comfort.

This weekend I have felt a bit blue. As if the mourning process as begun, I don’t even have the job. Yet, feeling as if I’m getting ready to say good-bye.

Border line

Sitting here I think back to when no one would talk to me at this work place. I mean they would but it wasn’t like I was part of the group just yet. Small town, I always felt like the outsider. 43 was the only one who began close, a work husband. Someone who I enjoyed hanging out with, though not sexually attracted to him. He is a bit too old for me to have sexually feelings for. I think to how I try to protect myself from the discomfort of letting go of someone I have gotten attached to. I let my guard down, I let him in. Now, it stings to think of the withdrawals.

Then again, maybe I give him too much credit in my life. Maybe I feel a thing, maybe not a strong as I think. My fear is when I do feel like this, I tend to look for ways to ease that pain & uncomfortable feelings. How so? By any means possible, that’s when I can get myself into a lot of trouble. Any thing from putting my job at risk, to my marriage to my safety. I have been good about keeping a lid on my risky, impulsive behavior.

One way that works sometimes is when I write-here, on this blog. I share my past sexual experiences, buzzed sexual experiences any other risky behavior. Reliving it here, has been so much more safer for me than ever before.

My Writing Process: A Blog Tour

I’m sitting at my local watering hole on a Friday night and Jack of “Frisky in the 916”  messages me to find out if I’m interested in doing this little “Blog Tour.” Sure, I’m buzzed. I’ll do just about anything with a few drinks in me.

1.  What am I working on? 

  • Currently I’m attempting to complete the A to Z Challenge that I signed up for. There are only 12 days left. I still need topics for the letters “S, V, X, Y Z.” Hopefully I can come up with something for those letters. If you have any suggestions drop me a line. This is my first year doing this meme, not sure if I’ll do it again next year. This meme is really been a challenge, in a very good way of course.
  • I also just received my VivaVoxBox from Influenster.com. Which contains complimentary products that I will have to give my reviews on via my different social media including a written blog post.

  • I have an non-fictional erotic story that I need to finish soon. I probably will forget how the story line went. Dammit.  You can read my last non-fictional erotic story called “20 Minutes.”
  • I haven’t written anything recently for the Blog for Mental Health Project. I had been writing posts about my issues and experiences. That I recently discovered in the last year. Hoping that I could connect to others like me and find out more about it.

2. How does my work differ from others of its genre? Funny, I don’t think I fit into any specific genre. I’ve tried. I write about my personal sexual adventures in regards to my “issues.” Which I guess is not a positive for either genre. Sexual or Mental Health. I share my sexual experiences because I never knew that that’s why I was acting the way I was. Also I think it makes for a hot read – sometimes.  Hoping that perhaps someone can relate or I can prevent someone from doing what I did. I don’t know. I also post a lot of photos of myself, along with lots of shoe shots. I mostly just write about what’s going on in my head. I also mix up some audio (podcast) with some of my written posts. I’ve always enjoyed doing audio more than typing. Not everyone is into listening & not everyone is into reading.

3.  Why do I write what I do? I write the things I do, because it’s what I know to write about. Also hoping to connect with other like-minded people. Those that can relate to what I write about or just having regular readers who enjoy reading what I write about. Another reason I write what I do, maybe some one out there reading it who may feel like they are the only one.  Most people wanna feel like their not totally alone in their situation and experiences. Bottom line, it’s self motivated. I need to share some things to get it off my chest & out of my head. If I write it all down and reread it back to myself, it just might make sense.

4.  How does your writing process work? It doesn’t. I haven’t found my pattern just yet. At times there are so many ideas in my head. I write them down in scribbled notes. Looking at them later I think I can’t write about that! Or OMG how depressing. That sounds crazy. I did use audio for a while just to get the thoughts out of my head. I’m still working on this part of it. I’m not a natural writer. You can tell those hardcore writers, I just wanna get the damn thought out, share it and be done. If I sound like I’m writing like a 17-year-old, well, you can understand it. Simple & straight to the point. I have looked into other ideas of how to write better,  to find a way that works for a mind that suffers with ADHD.

There you have it. Answers to questions that you always wanted to know about your favorite little kitty. Thanks again to Jack of jackandjillcpl for asking me to participate in this writing blog tour. I’m passing this tour onto the following follow bloggers. I do have a variety of bloggers I follow. Please note that they all may write about different topics, some sites may contain adult subject matter.

Normal Deviations

LordRaven69 – Malfic.com

Marci – Marci, Mental Health & More

Stigma [BFMH2014]

 Do you think the stigma against mental health is beginning to fade compared to 10 years ago?

It’s been my recent experience that there is some stigma with mental health. However, when it comes to some friends & family, it seems to be easier for them to make reasons or excuses, allowances for me to “be” the way I am. It wasn’t my fault, it’s the way my parents treated me and so on.

I still will not tell the outer circle of friends. I think if I said “oh by the way, I’m bipolar or have schizophrenia.” There might be more of a stigma with those than with BPD. My opinion is that since I’m higher functioning, seemingly well and can be the fun chick. Most seem to overlook it, like it’s no big deal.  Not to sound mean, but because I tend not to be emotionally unstable in public, people don’t seem to be bothered with me being “different.”

When I first stumbled upon this whole “mental illness” blogging category. I realized there are millions of people with a mental illness. Some suffer from mild depression to some stuff I’ve never heard of. And most people I talk to have some form of “dysfunction” to me that’s an illness. It’s like its the new cool thing to have a mental illness of some kind. Whether it’s addiction, depression, BPD, PSTD. I do think that  society might view some illness as “cooler” than others. Like having Anti-social Personality Disorder, I think that would make people feel uneasy when they fully understood it. Another is schizophrenia, I think that one fills people’s minds with the homeless person pushing the cart with foil paper on their head and talking to themselves about government plots.

I think in another 10 years, it won’t be as it is today. More education, more people talking about their stories will help to ease the current stigma of mental illness. Mental illness is just now of one those diseases, illness, sickness that pretty much everyone has. There might even be those out there who don’t even know they are sick with a mental illness.

Keep in mind the above are merely my personal opinions on the subject of mental health stigma.

Dreams

 There was a time in my life when I was plagued with nightmares. In my youth I was acting out in sexual ways, involved in risky & reckless behavior. I had put my self in a situation that I am not proud of. There are always consequences for the actions & decisions that we make from day to day.

I had made a decision. I tried to stuff my emotions away. I was unaware of how the mind and dreams truly work.

Months after my reckless behavior and decisions. The nightmares, the bad dreams started.

I would wake up sweating, breathing heavy, sometimes crying. But the dream was always the same. The recurring dream was always the same. I didn’t know much about dreams back then. Just the basics, that the mind twists up our daily photographs, twists up issues that we don’t deal with openly. The stuff that is lurking deep in the dark corners of the mind. Dreams are all those things and more played for the sleeper’s entertainment purposes. lol.

Dream Books. A few of the Dream books that I use to help me interpret my dreams

Dream Books. A few of the Dream books that I use to help me interpret my dreams

I’ll keep the dream short & basic. The parts that I remembered most was being in a background scene like in West Side Story. Two large apartment buildings on both sides that created a seedy looking alley way that was a dead end. There was laundry hanging upon stretched out between the two buildings. The dream took place at night. There was a shiny black car, something like out of the movie “Transporter.” There was a blonde haired man in a black suit (like Men in Black). He would always threaten me, blackmail me. He had something in the trunk of the car. I would try to keep him from opening it. I would beg him, plead with him. I would chase him around the car. I tried to make the dream different but I couldn’t. Afraid that the people living in the apartment buildings would find out my secret. What was in the trunk? Why is he doing this to me? My life will be ruined.

Months went by. The local community college was offering a class on Dream Interpretation. I jumped at it. I took the class. I learned how to interpret my dreams. Dream Interpretation is now one of my favorite little hobbies.  By the end of the class, I had confronted my recurring dream head on. I will share this. Guilt. Guilt is a powerful emotion. If it’s not dealt with properly it will haunt you at night in your dreams.

Have you ever had a recurring dream? Nightmares?

Borderline

When I went to get tested for Attention Deficit Hyper Disorder the Licensed Clinical Psychologist had told me that he thought that I had some of these symptoms but would need more sessions to get a better assessment. It only took one more session to see a pattern from childhood. He did mention that I was “very together.” No trouble with the law, no substance dependency kind of thing. It’s one reason I stopped going to therapy. I wanted to know what was wrong with me, now I can work on fixing me.

I have written a few posts about mental illness while taking part in this year’s Blog for Mental Health Project.  I’ve debated whether I should say anything at all. However, part of me thinks, there’s nothing wrong with me, ya know? I look like everyone else. I seem normal. Yet, I know there are times that I am not normal. I’ve been given excuses for my past behaviors. Oh, you’re just passionate, you’re rebellious and you’re just saying what everyone is thinking. And so on.

Here are a few quotes from a few websites that I like the way it describes Borderline Personality Disorder.

…that centers on the inability to manage emotions effectively.  The disorder occurs in the context of relationships:  sometimes all relationships are affected, sometimes only one….

…While some persons with BPD are high functioning in certain settings, their private lives may be in turmoil. Other disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse and other personality disorders. can often exist along with BPD. National Education Alliance Borderline Personality Disorder

Most people who have Borderline Personality Disorder suffer from:

  • Problems regulating their emotions and thoughts
  • Impulsive and sometimes reckless behavior
  • Unstable relationships

To be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, a person must experience at least five of the following symptoms:

  1. Fear of abandonment or rejection – for me this isn’t so much a problem. I do not fear abandonment or rejection with my spouse. However, others in my life I do feel that they will leave me or reject me. I used to joke about the idea of me having the “fear of rejection” prior to my knowledge that I have this illness. I look back and did some really crazy things to keep people (especially men) in my life. I would do some really crazy shit. I sometimes try to control the other person’s leaving, by pushing them harder to leave. So I can deal with the loss of them in my time.
  2. Unstable or changing relationships – Looking back people tend not to stay long periods in my life. I push them along, quickly. There are few that have stayed in my life over 20 years, however the key is not to be on constant contact with them. My friendships/relationships would spiral into a push-pull relationship. I would push and push and push a man to the edge of his sanity. Just as he was about to fall off the edge of the cliff I will pull him back. I would use anything I could to keep him with me. Even when I knew that we were never meant to be together. I don’t have many female friends. It’s not that I don’t want a group of women that I can hang with its because of insecurities on either or both sides. I can only fit into their mold for so long before I begin to undone.
  3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self – I blame my parents for this. My issues with my body and who I am as a person are up & down. I was always told about “fat” people. Don’t get fat like your mother. No one wants you you’re fat. I heard this from different people in my life as I was growing up & when I got divorced. I don’t have a true sense of who I am. I tend to “fit” in with a group as best I can. I can only think of it as a girdle. Everything is held into place, until I get home and that’s when I let it all hang out. My mother taught me to “use” my assets to get what I want & need. So, my body is really my selling point. Since my main asset is no longer at its prime. I  hit a “mental pothole.”  That’s when I will do whatever I need to do to get the weight off. It can be illegal drugs, weight loss pills, laxatives, exercising for hours. I don’t go to the gym any more,  because I  would hang with the guys from the gym. I got into too much trouble which would led into #4 (below)
  4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Continuing from #3  I would need a way to make myself feel better about me. I would use sex as a method to get “high.” However, in my 20’s I realized that it was a circle. I wasn’t doing any thing different. I would feel worse after I snuck out of their place, car or where ever we were. The high emotion never felt the same. I was always chasing it. The wild sex adventures is what makes me feel good. I have a few regrets. I bounced from reckless & risky sex adventures to binge drinking, drugging and over spending on clothes & shoes. Funny about the driving being listed. Because, I was fast when it came to driving. Looking back, surprised I’m still here. My driving record is clean for the most part, due to it’s now my career. I must have a clean driving record, can’t mix any booze & drugs while driving.  I would lose my license. Explaining this to my beloved would crush me,  I “act out”  in private. I don’t include any one from my inner circle. Strangers or people I don’t expect to see daily.
  5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury
  6. Varied or random mood swings – I didn’t wanna believe this one. However when my kids are in emotional turmoil I tend to feed off their emotions. If someone close to me is upset, I can easily get upset also. Sometimes when the #7 kick into high gear, all of it gets pushes into mood swings into self-image issues to impulsive behavior. Just a huge circle for me at times.
  7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness, emptiness – This is constant feeling. Sometimes, I go days without knowing how I feel. I just feel blank. Difficult to explain to normal people. I used to describe it as just black. There is no color. Just like my future, I don’t see myself in 5 years, 10 years or 20 years. It’s just all black.
  8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights – Not so much anymore, but when I was younger. There were fights at school, fights with family members and fights in public places. My anger in my childhood was to me extreme. I would have tantrums where I would pull all the drawers out of the dresser. Clothes everywhere. I would act out like a caged animal. I think that if I could have been allowed to express my feelings correctly, burn off energy. I might not have had such extreme anger issues. I was still having physical fights in my 20’s. Although those fights were with my ex-spouse or ex-boyfriends. I had a physical fight with my “fuck buddy” in the bar we hung out in. I was on a date with my current spouse, when my fuck buddy had said to me “You’re a fucking slut, I know you’re gonna fuck him and then come over to fuck me too.” I lost it. I punched him in the face while he sat at the bar. Since the bartender knew both of us, he told me to “take it outside.” I did. I basically fought him in the parking lot. I won. My evening ended shortly afterwards.
  9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

Read more my of my Blog for Mental Health posts.

The bold print above show my symptoms. Some tend to be stronger than others. Some symptoms are not as plain as the others. Looking back to my childhood I can see how & why this all occurred. To me, I believe it’s environmental along with biological. I was not sexually abused, physically abused (only spankings at times) I was very spoiled by all, except my grandmother. What a bitch. I accept that I was neglected as a child. I was placed on the pedestal, taken down and shown off by each parent when it was convenient for them. To me, half the problem is knowing the back history of it all, now to move forward. I don’t see anything major wrong with me. I’ve been able to hold down a job for long periods of time, a marriage, residence. I think the key is finding a person who understands you as an individual. Maybe even opposite of you, to help in keeping the relationship balanced.

TMI Tuesday: April 1, 2014

Computer Love

1. What’s the wallpaper (photo, design, etc) on your phone, laptop or PC? Is it the same or different on these devices? There is a photo of me taking  a photo of the London Eye, from my holiday in September 2013. On my iPhone there is a photo of my cereal – Fruit Loops with marshmallows.

2. What’s on the desktop of your phone or notebook/tablet (i.e., icons, files, windows etc.)? There is the recycle bin and some icons from Xfinity cable company. On my iPhone there are two pages with my apps on it.

3. What type of computer device do you use most often? I joke that my iPhone is forever attached to my right hand. Second would be my PC, desperately in need of a laptop. Sadly I’m not able to get one right now due to the manchild’s finance situation. Maybe you wanna buy me one for my birthday.

4. How many computer type devices do you own including smartphones? Three

5. Do you make sexy videos with your smartphone? No

Bath Time for SassyCat3000.

Bath Time for SassyCat3000.

6. Do you video-chat naked or have virtual sex using your computer? No. I used to use Yahoo messenger all the time, but not for cyber sex kind of thing. Sure I talked about sex and watched some of my guy friends on am *wink*

7. How many naked photos of your whole body or your body parts have you taken with your smartphone camera? Never the whole body, but a few erotic, teasing photos, yes. Cleavage shots,  shower shots, legs and face.

8. What is the most photographed part of your body? My legs & face.

Bonus:  Post a photo of the most photographed part of your body.

Bonus, Bonus: Do you use a screensaver? If yes, post a pic of it. My screen saver on my PC is a slideshow of my England holiday and on my iPhone it’s the Fruit Loop photo.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

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