Still Reeling [BFMH2016]

I think I can finally admit to having an illness. It was so difficult for me to even utter the words out loud let alone share it with the world. A world that can be judgmental, afraidMay Mental Health Month and cruel.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, Borderline Personality Disorder. Sure, I’ve read up on some of the information. Because the counselor I was seeing suggested I read up on it. To find out if any of it made any sense to me.

At first, I think a part of me may have been in denial. Although I told my family about everything. They said “sounds a lot like you.” I told myself that I was in “remission or recovery.” The illness is still there, laying dormant. While I try to figure out triggers, patterns and what works for me.

Since my birthday I have been on a slow emotional spiral down ward. It’s getting worse. I’m trying to keep myself from doing anything risky or reckless. When I think about the symptoms of BPD, one of the first ones is “fear of abandonment or rejection.” I always used to joke that I had a “fear of abandonment” so that my emotions would have a cover.

Now back to my birthday, I ran into Charlie at the bar as usual. He’s my most dangerous trigger. I don’t have other triggers that can push me to the edge like he does. It’s been two weeks and I’ve seen Charlie a few more times since my birthday. The most recent time was the worst for me.

In most of my relationships/friendships I reach a point when I ask myself “what do I offer the other person? why are they in my life? where is the common ground for the relationship/friendship?” During my last encounter with Charlie I was kneeling on the floor looking up at him sitting on the sofa. I told him “If you were anyone else I wouldn’t be here. We have nothing…absolutely nothing.” He looked at me and spewed words he thought I wanted to hear. Yes I wanted to hear them but I didn’t want to hear those words under that circumstance. He answers me “We are bonded, we’ll always be bonded together and I’m never leaving you.” He can’t leave me. He has pretty much the same illness as I do. However, there are a few differences.

Which leads me to my emotional spiral, Charlie’s playing with my hair. “What are you doing Thursday?”

“I don’t know yet. Why?”

“Because I’m gonna be making tacos at the hole, if you wanna come through.”

BPDDays go by without any word. Today is Thursday. Time approaches when he clocks out of work. My head gets ready for either or of the outcomes. I don’t get overly excited because if I do get my hopes up then the rejection & abandonment issues spiral faster. On the other side of the coin, I want to be ready so I don’t disappoint. I checked my phone and there it was. His text. But it wasn’t what I expected, there was a death. He never asked if I was coming to see him. There was no mention of our previous time together, but I do know that he is back with his former crazy cunt girlfriend. There is where the rejection & abandonment lie. Because of the emotional pain I feel, I will make him feel similar emotional pain. The abandonment issue of me leaving him. It’s the classic push-pull game.

Until the time I can pull off the game, I will fight my withdrawal from Charlie. Fight back the tears. Each time I tell myself that I will kick my Charlie habit. It’s my last hit from the Charlie pipe, but then I get sucked back in. Maybe this time will be my last time.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

  • An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection
  • A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel
  • Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
  • Ongoing feelings of emptiness

 

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