Giving Mr. Sam another Chance

Since the last time I wrote about Mr Sam a lot has developed. The following week he did text me and carried on as if nothing had ever happened.
REALLY?!barefoot wine
I was indignant that he felt he could just go away with no reason or excuses for leaving me alone that Friday at the bar. He said that he wanted space, away from everybody and everything after I informed him of the rumor about him.

We met mid-week at the bar for cocktails. We continued to text during the evenings. We discussed our friendship. He made his desires known. I was too afraid to put my cards on the table. He is just so kind, sensitive and it still troubles me that there is something about him I can’t put my finger on. Maybe that’s what holds me to this friendship. Yet there is still a part of his personality that makes me nervous. The statements he makes, texting him during the evening makes me ask if he doesn’t drink more than I suspect. After some lengthy discussions I decided to give him another chance.

Deep inside my being I know that I am trying to find a replacement for Charlie. I know that is an impossibility that I must come to terms with. Recently I was told that Charlie is terminal. I have yet to confirm this.
I showed up at the bar first, sat down & talked to acquaintances. There were a few female acquaintances that get together in the early evening for cocktails and camaraderie. He came in a few hours afterward and sat down next to me. I introduced him to the group of acquaintances, he can hold his own during our conversation. He is witty, pleasant and easy-going. He was later referred to as “a long-haired leaping gnome” because he has that look. One of my acquaintances asked me to go with her into the lady’s room in which she went on to yell at me.
“STOP flirting with Mr. Sam!! He’s really  fascinating, I sort of like him and I’m struggling to get a read on him, but he seems fascinated with YOU!!!”
“I donno what you’re talking about.”
I guess maybe we’re not doing a good job at managing to keep the physical attraction under cover. I observed more people looking at us closely. FUCK! It’s entertaining to flirt and I’m enjoying good old fashion passion & lust that I’ve experienced.
Before the night was over, one of the PHG chicks walked in the bar and milled around us. She finally sat down at the table with us, only paying attention to Mr. Sam & I attempt to appear casual. I don’t believe we performed successfully. She left while we hung around for some of the opportunity to leave together. Unfortunately we didn’t have the freedom to chat because I left before he could. He felt sorry for one of my drunken friends who carried on about her ex-boyfriend. He remained behind to watch her. I gave up. I had way too much to drink that evening. My judgement was cloudy. I’m so glad that on this evening nothing happened.

Read about Mr. Sam from the beginning.

 

 

 

 

What did I do Now?

Mr. Sam & I have talked over the last few days. It’s always fun learning about people, making new friends and the process of it all. It does become more difficult as we get older, making new friends and bringing them into our present lives.

Mr. Sam has been an interesting one. There has always been something about him that I haven’t been able to put my finger on. I hate that, whatever “it” is about him eludes me.

I had heard rumors about him from an acquaintance, this somewhat prevented me from getting any closer to him, out of fear of my attachment issues. I tried to keep my distance-emotionally that is. [Borderlines have that fear of rejection & abandonment. This sensation can cause the Borderline to act out, become desperate to prevent the pain of being left. The actions can easily get out of control. Basically anything to numb the pain that we feel. Add in the mix that we became upset with the person who left us].

Unfortunately I couldn’t keep from getting addicted to his attention. At first it wasn’t a daily conversation, maybe once or twice a week normally at night when I was getting ready for bed. He would text me. We would text much about nothing. How he understood me, how he wanted to see the real me. He wanted to get passed my high walls & shields so that he could see the real me. I thought “hell, there is no real me!” Looking back the conversations weren’t really all that moving. He did try to comfort me when I was feeling low, he tried to make me laugh and smile. But there are few men that can accomplishment that with the greatest of ease. To me that’s a talent, making someone laugh & smile who doesn’t want but does anyway because they can’t help it.

Sam increased his communication with me, it became nightly. Reading some of his texts I asked myself “how much as he had to drink?” I hear my other half in my head…”you attract drunks, they are fascinated by you, full of drama which you crave.” So I figured that Mr. Sam probably fit into this group. I’ve seen him drunk because there were a few times the PHC had gotten together for dinner and drinks. He’s been coming on strong in the past few days. In the beginning he kept talking about wanting someone who is “the one.” I kept telling him “it’s not me!” I know damn well I’m too crazy for most men. For some reason, this group of men that I attract seem to think that they have the ability to cope with my crazy.

Mr. Sam would say “too old to play games” later he changed his tune to be happy with friends with bennies. I really had no intentions on that, but it was a fun little fantasy. He would include a lot of sexual innuendo in our conversations, but the conversations were never really to in-depth. Which to me was disappointing. The main thing he wanted to see is “the real me.” I had to laugh because there is only one person who has gotten to see the real me. They battled demons, jumped hoops and walked on fire rocks to get to see the real me and this derp thinks that I’m gonna just open the door and say “come on in.”

I told him that the circle he has traveled in has betrayed his trust and told one of his secrets. Eventually, the story slipped out, Sam was extremely upset even though he denied what I was told about him. We were still friends up until I joked and said “maybe I shouldn’t talk to you anymore.” He replied with “your choice.” That was the last I heard from him.

What upsets me the most is that I started to believe what he told me. I try to keep these kind of men away, arm’s distance about he was really nice. I thought in some way I could replace Charlie, but I was a fool. It did take a few days for me to get my feelings back to baseline.

Continue Reading about Mr. Sam

Meet Mr Sam

I was at the bar when I noticed a tall silver-haired man walk by. I said to my friends that he wasn’t bad-looking. They both agreed. I jokingly mentioned how I would love to play around with him once or twice. So T1 walks over to him and introduces himself, next thing he introducing himself to me.

WTF?! Note to self: Don’t say anything like that in front of T1 again!

Then T2 walks over to him and they are having a nice little chat. Later on at some point they became Facebook friends. Whaaaa? Ok. I thought maybe “Sam Elliot” isn’t attracted to women, since he seems to be really chatting it up with T1 & T2.

I put him out of my head, I needed to focus on my upcoming trip and other things. A few weeks later, I had walked into the watering hole after I returned from New Orleans. There was Sam sitting there by himself. I decided to put on a bit of a show since I just got back and I was talking to Charlie’s best friends.

I noticed him watching me out of the corner of his eye. So, I leaned over to him and acknowledged him. I kind of played dumb. “It’s Sam, right?”henrys hard soda, alcohol, the bar

“Yes, You’re Cat. Friends with the PHC.”

“In the flesh!” I said with a giggle.

I gave him a few minutes more of my time. We made small talk, about email addresses and he was interested in me taking pictures of his art work. I kind of just blew him off, because I don’t take anything anyone says in a bar seriously if I don’t know them that well. I then continued my conversation with Charlies friends and we ended up walking out together.

That ended my brief meeting with Sam. The next time I seen him was with a group of mutual friends. It was a dinner, we really didn’t speak all that much. He did try to talk to me more than before, I noticed there was what seemed to be a competition between him and another one of the friends. Each one sat on each side of me. I felt elated.  One thing I did notice is that Sam never offers to buy me a drink. All the other guys that I hang with, even Charlie’s crew offer to buy me at least one drink. But this guy doesn’t.

We started talking about music, oldies and he asks me “what’s the best concert you ever attended?” I smiled because I’m normally the one who asks questions like that, to get a conversation going. The best moment was when I gave him my first test. “Tell me a story.” I said to him. He asked “No restrictions?”

“Nope.”

He went on with his story. I don’t remember what he shared with me, because I was shocked & thrilled that he actually was creative enough to come up with a story. He asked me a few other questions. We talked most of the night, until we heard “LAST CALL!!”

All the drunks stumbled out of the bar into the parking lot. I kept walking, waving and yelling “See you guys next week!”

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