Go on and tell me lies, but hold me tight

I had been desperately trying to get back in to the habit of taking photos.

I remember reading Molly’s writing on why she took photos of herself and how she started it due there was another women who was taking nude photos of herself. Bottom line the photos were to boost self-esteem, create body positive awareness. I guess not to be afraid of sharing the photos, let the inner person shine through.

Those of us that take part in taking photos of ourselves and share them online, have a process that we do. Well I do. It’s no biggie if I’m just using my iPhone to snap a quick shot of myself. Otherwise my house has to be empty, unless I’m taking night photos. I have my music playing in the background to set my mood. That’s a must have-music! And I have to be in the right frame of mind. I seeing a pattern of dark moody portraits more often. Not sure why, I do like taking those better. Mr. Sam keeps telling me that I need to smile more in my photos and he keeps telling me to push myself to do more.

When did I gain all this weight? I weigh the same but holy fuck the fat is slipping out everywhere. No wonder why women have melt-downs. It’s difficult to compete with others online. Sure I’m not suppose to be comparing myself to others, but I do. After taking this last set of photos I don’t want to take anymore. Sure I can take photos of others, landscapes, animals anything but ME! Who the fuck wants to see what I see in the photos. Gross.

I have started to work out, walking and cycling everyday. As much as my knee will allow me too. I know it’s not going to happen over night, the losing weight part. As part of me doesn’t even care anymore. I ask myself I was doing this all for an emotional high and if this isn’t giving me one I guess if its time to move on to something else.

What hurt me tonight is when I took the photos, I sent them to my Beloved and to Mr. Sam. I sent the originals because they always ask for them and then the edited photos. This time I got nothing. Mr. Sam is having attitude because I told him I’ll be going out tomorrow night. Lately he has shown signs of jealousy. My Beloved isn’t fond of my dark moody portraits. When I said how fat I looked there was no response. It took all I could not to scream at him to call him mean things but I got my Borderline issues under control. He knew to give me space until I can process the ugliness that I feel now. I count on both of them to love me for the crazy wild chick that I am. To give me some feedback, but when I didn’t get it this time and that’s what’s bothering me right now.

Neither one of them will lie to me, neither one of them has so far. Sometimes I wish they would lie about how I look, tell me I’m not fat. But they know that I would yell at them “stop lying!” Tomorrow I hope that I’m over this emotional hump and continue with my workouts.

I like this photo below, there’s something about it that speaks to me.

JoGray Women’s Stainless Steel “I Love You” Ring [product review]

Since Mr. Sam has his commitment ring I needed one too. We found something that we both liked. I’m a simple gal so I didn’t need anything fancy with a lot of bling.

I found this engagement “I Love You” ring which I thought was perfect for what I was looking for. It’s stainless steel or gold-plated are your choices. I picked silver. The ring is comfortable to wear, its thicker than my regular gold band. The ring is 6mm wide with a smooth inside, there are no size or other markings inside the ring.

JoGray Women's Stainless Steel "I Love You" Ring

I picked a size 8 and it fits on either ring finger. I can wear it comfortably without any issues. I liked that the ring is relatively inexpensive. It works for me, for the commitment that I’m giving Mr. Sam.

The ring came with its own gift box inside a plastic jewelry bag with the size on it. I had no issues with this product. This serves as a promise ring, engagement, commitment or wedding ring. It didn’t turn my finger green, if you might be wondering.

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[Disclaimer: I received the product complimentary for reviewing purposes. The blog post may contain affiliate links]

JoGray Women's Stainless Steel "I Love You" Ring

 

 

With this Ring [product review]

When Charlie left my life, I felt vulnerable in the bar. The night Charlie & I said our final goodbyes I met Mr Sam. I needed someone to keep me company & protect me at the bar. Mr. Sam’s life is a bit complicated and doesn’t want any other outside commitments. We discussed our problems and decided it would be best if we partnered up. He keeps away all the unwanted advances & I do the same for him. For some reason he felt he needed a ring. He was getting hit on by a lot of women, told he looks like that one actor from that one movie by men. We always laughed at that one. To seal the deal and make it all look legit I got him a ring. Mr Sam is now my body-guard and partner in crime.  We have now a commitment.

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I looked around and found something he liked. Now he has something to the wear when all those women walk up to him in the bar and tell him how good-looking he is and how he looks like that one actor.

Inexpensive. Practical. Comfortable. I like that it is available in a lot of different colors. It really is a great little ring.

His Darkness affects My Darkness

I don’t remember how long it took me to finally trust or to feel secure with my Beloved. It’s going on 20 years of insanity between us. Looking back I don’t think we had a lot of problems but outsiders looking in have told me that they thought we were getting divorced because of all the bickering.

Now that Mr. Sam has been in my life I can see where & how my insecurities crop up. For those of us who suffer from Borderline, having someone else who also has a mental illness only causes more issues that need to be addressed.

Caring for them both for them deeply, I don’t ever want to lose either one of them. However, at times one of them shuts down on me. I feel left out. I have no idea whats going on in that head of his. Sadly that the sociopath in me doesn’t care, but that’s with anyone. I’m not a person to ask lots of questions, unless I’m looking for something. I probably should ask questions because someone who suffers from chronic depression can easily slip down that slope into total darkness to be lost in their madness.

I always have to “emotionally vomit” on one of the important men in my life. Emotionally vomiting (my term that I always use) is when I have to get everything out of my being so that I don’t erupt on the wrong person or do or say something, anything that I will regret. So one day my Beloved asked me “Wait. Wait. Are you mad at me? Did I do or say anything to upset you? Is this directed at me?”

I laughed and said NO silly. I just need to vent so that I don’t explode. He breathed a huge sigh of relief. I continued. It’s what I do now. I vent on one of the two men, who ever is available at the time. Now if neither one is available then there is a problem because I get frustrated, impatient and restless. Those feelings then push me to do impulsive things, things I wouldn’t normally do, well maybe. Things that try to fill the emotional void. Sometimes I think I do things to make me feel, something, anything.

Emotions … acting without the benefit of intellect.

I know can see that communication is key in any relationship. But if one has a mental illness and shuts down then what? Do I get in their face and demand for them to talk? I won’t. I can’t. When it comes to Mr. Sam I am still walking on shaky ground. What bothers me the most is his inability to just tell me what he needs, if its space, time or a shoulder. Then again when someone is falling into their darkness how can they reach out? I know that he is not leaving me (yet) and I am not leaving him. I do enjoy his friendship, his tenderness and ability to see me for who I truly am.

The best thing for me is to keep my hands busy because when the mind has nothing to focus on then that’s when I get into trouble. I have tons of things to do. Things that I have neglected for months. But first things first, get some photos done and then finish up all those reviews I have.

After I published this post, one of the last songs Charlie had played for me came on my playlist. I floated away to that moment that our relationship was falling apart, but the lyrics to this song can now apply to Mr. Sam. I don’t ever want to lose him but yet a part of me knows nothing last forever. I will do what I do best when we get like this. If you wanna know the song you can find out by clicking this youtube link.

Jager Night

Friday night is my night to spend out at the bar drinking & socializing. Hanging out with Mr. Sam and the old crew. On this specific night I went out without telling Mr. Sam and was talking with my very friend. I felt guilty for not telling him, but a part of me felt like I was too close that I was getting dependent on him for my emotional needs.

And when I do that I tend to get burned, my involvement with my former PIC the notorious Charlie, has left me defensive and suspicious of any behaviors. I just felt that if i let my guard down with Mr Sam that nothing good can or would come from that. I know that I am living in a fantasy world, waiting for the castle that I built in the sky to crumble down to earth. I wanted to feel that independent feeling again, attached to no one. Yet even with my closest friends I felt alone. The more I drank, the more intense that feeling got. I still longed for Mr Sam to be there with me, yet I knew in the back of my mind my security blanket has always been my Beloved.alcohol

There are some behaviors that I have noticed with Mr Sam that reminds me of Charlie and my fear is that soon, in the near future we will become toxic for each other. Mr Sam is an alcoholic and so was Charlie. I still haven’t figured out why I need to have a drunk somewhere in the background of my life. Mr Sam understands me better than my Beloved does, which is a wonderful feeling. Trying to explain my issues, illness and other things to my Beloved can be exhausting, but Mr Sam always gets me.

When I arrived at my regular dive bar I text Mr Sam for him to come down to see me. I had drunk a lot by then, and had started drinking a lot of water. I wanted to have fun, experience that feeling I felt when Mr Sam & I first met. I didn’t want to get too drunk that I would be hung over in the morning but I wanted to hit my plateau as Mr Sam calls it. When I wasn’t looking Mr Sam order me a shot of jager. Jager can make me go either direction just depends on my mood. I can be easily angered by other buzzed people. The shot of jager got me to that plateau where I enjoyed a comfortable buzz until the bar closed.

Tonight was a Mistake [BFMH2017]

I am the type of person who always needs to know why. Why people do the things they do. Why do I attract certain types of people? How do I change that?

Towards the end of Charlie & I, I thought if I could just figure him out then perhaps I could discover some of the reasons I do what I do.

I can’t see myself as a codependent that I keep attracting alcoholics into my life. However I am all too familiar with the addiction cycle. Chaos & drama are a few of my current addictions. But then there’s a time when I just want off the merry-go-round.

Having Charlie in my life I could live I vicariously through him without any danger or fear of dirtying up my life. But now I have found another alcoholic to fit into the void that Charlie left.

Charlie was pretty good when it came to the sex, in the beginning but towards the end it was getting bad. The dirtier the better, to the edge and over. This new one has fallen short of my expectations, I think it’s the booze. I’m thinking that the state of the body is at the level when danger is just down the road a few blocks.

I’ve been going back through all my material on addiction and looking for that one statement that lets me know that what I’m feeling & thinking about this situation is correct and a good decision. In the back of my mind I have an idea, I wanna ride this out to prove myself right. Why? So I can look in the mirror and say I told you so see!? I was right! Or to learn to stop doubting my gut instincts.

A jagerbomb was bought for me to drink. Because when I reach that plateau I am the life of the party. I’m the one the people in the bar like to watch because I can go either way. I could spin out of control by yelling, fighting or I could laugh and dance & sing to the songs playing on the jukebox. He so wanted me to get to that plateau, but not this time. I don’t think he expected to be at the receiving end of the yelling & arguing.

So Cat, whatcha gonna do?

I’m not sure yet. Doing the same behavior hasn’t done much in the past. Neither has letting all my walls down or putting them back up. I’ll probably do the same thing I started doing 19 years ago, that’s pushing the drunk out of my inner sanctum and locking him – forever. He will learn to be content in the walls of the other rooms but never again will he see the tears that the jagerbomb bought out tonight.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…

Unstable Relationships. A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.

Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.

Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days.

 

 

 

 

 

[Even though the “Blog for Mental Health” meme has been disconnected I continued to share…I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.]

The Tie that Binds [SS314]

Mr. Sam, like Charlie is not a vanilla partner. Mr. Sam and I have been together for 7 months now, we are getting used to each other. We talk about almost everything, I tend to still get embarrassed about some things.

We recently discussed the idea of mutual masturbation, sex toys and other kinky ideas. He asked me to bring my bag of sex toys over, so I did. We went through all of my toys that were enjoyable for me to use. I had won a contest with some bondage rope included as an extra prize.

He had seen the neon green rope and immediately the Sailor in him started thinking of ways to use it on me. I have never been tied up before by any one. I have some deep seeded trust issues about being restrained. But Mr. Sam is different, even though I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop, a part of me trusts him.

He had mentioned some photo ideas before we got started, but once he started tying the rope, we forgot all about taking any photos. Until after playtime was over, I had to stop because I had pulled on the ropes too hard. Mr. Sam had used one long piece of rope with several loose knots in it for my ankles and wrists. I had pulled on the rope causing it to tighten around my ankles. I had left my socks on, pulled them off to look for any marks because the rope seemed really tight.

This is what I saw when I took off my sock.

 

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I will try to write a story about my first rope experience.

Meanwhile check out some other Sinful Sunday posts.

sinful sunday

 

I Love to Leave Bite Marks [SS313]

I have always loved flesh between my teeth.

His smooth creamy skin (or sometimes anyone’s for that matter) calls to me in such a way that I can’t resist or stop myself.

Especially, when I’m on top of a lover, seeing their midriff exposed and if I am working my way down their body to satisfy both our needs for oral gratification I tend to bite. I was kissing him, nibbling on his nipples. I bit one too hard and he cried out, but the sadist side of me became more excited. I started biting his stomach, but accidentally bit the spot where he had a surgical procedure done. I felt bad, because I know the skin can be more sensitive in those areas, so I moved on.

I worked my way over to his ribs, where the flesh can easily be bitten and pulled. I started biting as I normally do, but he started to tease me about something unimportant. I began to bite harder, pulling at his skin, twisting it between my teeth, pushing my tongue against the tender section of flesh between my teeth. My mind drifted into dark fantasy thoughts of tearing the flesh from his body, tasting his blood on my lips. I became even more aroused. If Mr. Sam had moaned in pleasure or even cried out, those sounds would have pushed me in an orgasm. When my hips move, when the need to relieve the “itch” between my legs becomes so intense that I would have mounted his cock or sat on his face. But Mr. Sam never cried out in pain, he never pulled away from my mouth like most people would. He didn’t tell me to stop, at once. He laid there perfectly still, which concerned me yet I didn’t care about the reason. If this is trust then I admire and adore him even more.

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sinful sunday

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