I wanted to kiss you good morning before I started my day.
I had been desperately trying to get back in to the habit of taking photos.
I remember reading Molly’s writing on why she took photos of herself and how she started it due there was another women who was taking nude photos of herself. Bottom line the photos were to boost self-esteem, create body positive awareness. I guess not to be afraid of sharing the photos, let the inner person shine through.
Those of us that take part in taking photos of ourselves and share them online, have a process that we do. Well I do. It’s no biggie if I’m just using my iPhone to snap a quick shot of myself. Otherwise my house has to be empty, unless I’m taking night photos. I have my music playing in the background to set my mood. That’s a must have-music! And I have to be in the right frame of mind. I seeing a pattern of dark moody portraits more often. Not sure why, I do like taking those better. Mr. Sam keeps telling me that I need to smile more in my photos and he keeps telling me to push myself to do more.
When did I gain all this weight? I weigh the same but holy fuck the fat is slipping out everywhere. No wonder why women have melt-downs. It’s difficult to compete with others online. Sure I’m not suppose to be comparing myself to others, but I do. After taking this last set of photos I don’t want to take anymore. Sure I can take photos of others, landscapes, animals anything but ME! Who the fuck wants to see what I see in the photos. Gross.
I have started to work out, walking and cycling everyday. As much as my knee will allow me too. I know it’s not going to happen over night, the losing weight part. As part of me doesn’t even care anymore. I ask myself I was doing this all for an emotional high and if this isn’t giving me one I guess if its time to move on to something else.
What hurt me tonight is when I took the photos, I sent them to my Beloved and to Mr. Sam. I sent the originals because they always ask for them and then the edited photos. This time I got nothing. Mr. Sam is having attitude because I told him I’ll be going out tomorrow night. Lately he has shown signs of jealousy. My Beloved isn’t fond of my dark moody portraits. When I said how fat I looked there was no response. It took all I could not to scream at him to call him mean things but I got my Borderline issues under control. He knew to give me space until I can process the ugliness that I feel now. I count on both of them to love me for the crazy wild chick that I am. To give me some feedback, but when I didn’t get it this time and that’s what’s bothering me right now.
Neither one of them will lie to me, neither one of them has so far. Sometimes I wish they would lie about how I look, tell me I’m not fat. But they know that I would yell at them “stop lying!” Tomorrow I hope that I’m over this emotional hump and continue with my workouts.
I like this photo below, there’s something about it that speaks to me.
It’s a long way down
When all the knots we’ve tied have come undone – Gin Blossoms
CLICK the Lips for more Sinfulness…
This week Wicked Wednesday is about Winter…
- The change in the sunlight, when it’s dark outside at 6 o’clock in the morning and 5 o’ clock in the evening.
- Having to warm up my car before I leave for work in the morning. I hate sitting on cold leather car seats as much as I hate burning my thighs on scolding hot leather in the summertime.
- The holidays. Yes! Bah Hum Bug! People are the worst this time of the year. Rude, selfish and so stressed out to find that perfect gift. The whole PC shit….being politically correct about Christmas and the holidays. I get it, I really do. Once the older generation dies out, “Merry Christmas” wont be said anymore. Say whatever is in your heart, there needs to be tolerance and understanding. Ugh.
- I hate winter because my “issues” tend to get the better of me. I drink more, party more, stay up late more and my emotions are usually more raw. Did I mention that I gain weight during the winter? I crave starches & sweets. Instant fat ass.
- Dry skin…crackle & pop skin, sometimes painful. I have baby oil in the shower to use after the shower. Then applying body lotion when I get into the bedroom and lastly A&D ointment for the really rough dry spots. Static. I hate static from the dry air. Nose bleeds from the dry air, then getting out the humidifier to fix the dry air problem.
- I love hearing the snow crunch under my boots as I walk. I love wearing boots, thick socks or tights or leggings. Love wearing sweaters.
- I love watching the snow fall during a blizzard. I love snow blizzards, the big snowflakes that you can really see. I enjoy being outside when it’s snowing heavy.
- Not having to leave my house because of the snow or because it’s too cold outside. I can stare out the window all day if I could.
- Laying on the sofa curled up with him and snuggled up with my woobie … safe & warm. Loving, touching and squeezing. lol.
- Once the holidays are over, knowing that I will start feeling better about myself. Knowing that I’ve made it through another year.
I took some photos that I didn’t really like, for whatever the reason. But I didn’t want to toss them out just yet so I edited them, adding some effects to them. Just playing around with them. I think the top one would have come out better had I remembered to focus the camera first. However in my defense it’s difficult to focus and work in a pitch black room with nothing but a black light and not to mention I’m basically blind (without my glasses).
Whatcha think? Should I have just tossed them out? Maybe you can think of something else I could have tried.
It’s all part of learning new techniques and other things.
For shits & giggles I applied for a temporary job for the Halloween season. I actually got the job. I was thrilled. My first day I worked 7 hours. I noticed immediately that the regulars were not very friendly, at times not helpful. Always had the “you’re bothering me” look on their face.
I wasn’t used to working on my feet for that long without some sort of break. There were no 10 minute breaks, no break room, no smoking breaks. You get 30 minutes for eating but there is no break down just a table in the costume storage room and a “fun-size” microwave & refrigerator. I would walk out to my car & sit.
Last night was the last straw, after a young kid was assigned to clean 7 out of the 10 isles failed to do a fucking thing all night. I was responsible for the remaining 3 isles along with the back wall of the store. The assistant manager told me that I needed to inspect the 7 isles and if they were bad I would have to fix them.
Did she say what I think she said? Fuck that. I wanna go home. I’ve worked ALL day. That little fuck has been sashaying through the store all fucking night. I started at 4:30 scheduled to be off at 10. I was told I could take my break at 8:30-9pm. What’s the point?
The more I thought about driving across town the 8 miles and sometimes 23 from my other job…I figured it’s just. It worth it. The amount of bullshit, and unfriendly workers, ugh. Thinking that this weekend I’m scheduled to work 11-7 standing in the front of the store helping customers with their costumes. I would only be getting ONE 30 minute break and the rest of the time I would be standing.
No. No, the newness has worn off. It was fun dressing up, but it’s time to get back to my online life.
I had to work at my PT gig today. I was feeling a Madonna 80’s look. I can’t dress in total costume, still have to wear the black shirt & khakis. So I tried to do something with the hair, makeup & basic accessories. I have collected my “dress up costumes” since my kids were young so I have a little bit of everything.
I’m glad this is only temporary because I don’t think I have the physical capabilities to work retail. It’s really hard on my lower back & feet. But like I’ve said before I’m sure that it’s the same for others who work retail.
I think the next costume will be something dark. And the weekend will be something do to with a solid color. Other co-workers wear merchandise of their choice to promote the Halloween season. I have issues with using items that strangers have used or tried on. I could suck a strangers cock but can’t wear a hat that a stranger has put on their head before me. See the madness that is me?!?! LOL
Hopefully I’ll remember to post other photos of my Halloween looks.