Once upon a time, when I was so much younger, I practiced the Catholic religion. Confession was something I did on Saturday nights before attending mass on Sunday. I am no longer Catholic, however I still have the behavior grained into my being. So, confession is not always a good thing. Because I am guilty of something, a sin, immorality of some kind. Confession can led to hurting the ones I love the most. Not intentionally of course, but it’s still painful to them.
Not to long ago, I made a confession to the one who loves me more than his own life. He is the other half of me. I would never hurt him on purpose, yet, I couldn’t keep this inside. Why? Because he is my best friend, I share with him everything. From flirting online to flirting at work with other men to what’s going on deep inside my head. Sure we have all secrets that we, alone, keep.
I confessed one “sin” yet kept the other part of that confession, that “sin” hidden, buried in my soul. When I had shared with him, my thoughts regarding that situation he told me “there will be consequences for the choices you make, you will get hurt and I don’t want that.” I’m like a child, I didn’t care about afterwards. I’m in the now. I do what I want, most of the time.
I was intoxicated with desire & lust, the sensation of it all. I crave it from time to time, even the bad parts. The addictive personality part of me is always wanting more of it. However, I must admit now that it is probably all for the best. I’m confessing that I as much as I tossed the thought around, had plenty of opportunity. I just couldn’t go through with it. Besides I didn’t wanna have to confess that to him.
I have noticed though it’s becoming more difficult trying to keep that part of me in the box locked up under the bed. I don’t wanna hurt him ever. I can skirt the issue, avoidance is always good too. Most of my confessions are here, hiding in between the lines of my blog posts.
I never did say all those Hail Mary’s & Our Father’s when the priest told me too. It doesn’t matter what others think or what conclusions they come to. What matters most to me is that I can confess to my Mr if & when I ever need to. Without the feelings of shame, guilt or rejection. He can do the same with me. We’ve even confessed some similar things to each other, always puts a smile on our faces.
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