An Open Letter [BFMH2017]

Sometimes I replay past events, situations over in my head.
Tonight I’m replaying Friday night and trying to figure out where it went wrong for me (& you).
I can’t see you tolerating a lot of this type of behavior from me in the future. I will say it again … that I do not like myself when I get like that. That the booze has caused me to say and do things I normally would push somewhere else.
But once again I let myself get to the point when I have no filter or no sensor to tell me to be quiet.
I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I treated you badly and that I kind of ruined that buzz we had going. Eventually you will grow wary of the continuous outbursts, disappointments and tantrums. Maybe not this week or next…but you will. Not saying that you would leave or dump me but you will change. And I don’t want you to change who you are because I’m acting awful.
I don’t know how it spun so quickly out of control for me.
Ok. Maybe I do. I was jealous once again, but not in the way you think but maybe insecurity. I hate when I get like that. I hate when I feel jealous, insecure for no reason. I get frustrated because I want everyone to know that you are mine, that you belong to me. But I can’t do that and it makes me mad.
In the car I know I hurt you, today you shut down on me again. I pushed you Friday night and today I seen it. I felt it. I said nothing until now, because I hadn’t processed it in my head. I know if the tables were turned I would want you to acknowledge your behavior and apologize.
My fear is that one…you’ll leave out of frustration of this behavior.
Two: that I will continue to act like this when I get jealous, feel ganged up on and feeling picked at.
I don’t mind when you tease me, pick at me in fun but when I ask you to stop and you continue, I get angry and lash out. Like the time at the bar when I hit you in the face. Which I hate myself for because I don’t like being disrespectful to someone I care about. But when I ask you to stop teasing me I just want you to respect that at that moment. It’s the same as if I said “stop” or “no” during sex. I know you wouldn’t keep doing it,right?
Unfortunately as you know those childhood wounds run deep.
I know that I always want you in my life. Even if we’re just being friends, I would be ok with that.
I’m sorry, I really am. I hope this makes sense to you and doesn’t make things worse. I love you.

Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….

Unstable Relationships. A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.

Impulsive and Risky Behavior: such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.

Emotions: Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days.

Impulsive Aggression: coupled with a highly reactive and unstable affect modulation. Thus, patients with BPD will respond to disappointment and frustrations with intense emotions like rage, fear of abandonment and dysphoria. Then serve to trigger the generation of an impulsive, often aggressive, response to the provocation.

Push-Pull Syndrome: A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.

 

 

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