Missing the Chaos

Lately, I’m not sure why. The thoughts of them have filled my head. Not sure if it’s due to the holidays or maybe because my life is uneventful right now. A part of that darkness that dwells in my being is that I need men like them in my life. WHY?! It’s the chaos, the attention, the “high” that I get when they are in my life.

I miss that “fast lane” life that I had with him. I enjoyed the attention, knowing that at any moment we could crash into that ball of flames. However, reality always stopped me from riding that ride to the end. I always got off before the crash, left him to burn alone. However, I do think he got the last laugh this time. I will admit to messing things up with the lying. Not standing up to him, when I had the opportunity. I got soft. I folded. So unlike me. I normally never walk away from an emotional battle like that.

Instead, I sit here with my thoughts. I fight with those memories of “how bad things were” against thoughts of “it wasn’t so bad”. The craziness. That’s the addiction. Swirling into the drama. Sex. Drugs. Motorcycles and music. Who wouldn’t wanna live that wild life?

I remember what triggered these thoughts. Seeing him a few days ago at the grocery store. He was getting out of a car with a couple. I thought, how sad. I wondered how he was doing, had the bottom fallen out for him yet? Did he ever think about me, like I thought about him? Not. I thought. Sociopaths think about no one but themselves. It’s true what is said about contacting a sociopath. Don’t do it. When they leave, lock the door behind them. Your sanity depends on it. I visit the past wishing at times I could return, yet I know I would have drowned if I had stayed any longer with him.

Then there is my 805muse. I think of him lately more than I have in the past. It’s times like this when I wonder if he sends out his energy in my direction and I pick up on it. I miss him the most of any other person I have met. I miss him because he is no longer in my life. To spend as much time with a person like we did should have been suffocating. Yet it wasn’t.

He was one who could always make me smile without fail. His selfishness is what drove me away. I miss the connection we had, the music. It was always the music. Him playing guitar, me watching. The laughter over drinks. I think having all this time off from my normal routine is starting to swallow me up. Both emotionally & mentally. I get too bored easily, wandering around from person to person attempting to get that fix. Knowing the whole time that they are unable to provide that fix that only the two men above can. 

In a few days, this will be the past. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new year. Fresh start. Let’s see how well I can do in this new year of 2014. I think this leads into my New Year’s post.



  • It’s strange how we always want something that is out of our reach, isn’t it? LOL! Btw I always thought your 805 muse was JL! Damn I was totally stupid huh? Good blog Kitty!

    • The two men were and are never out of reach. I enjoyed my time with each one, however the time we spent together has been all used up. Each of us have moved on to others in our lives. I could pick up the phone if I wanted. That’s not in my nature. Yes, it used to burn me up that you always thought that my 805muse was JL. He even knew who I was talking about. I use code a lot. To protect the guilty. I am self-hosted, Laura. But I think the notifications are still through wordpress.com because it is a self hosted blog.

      • I always wondered what kind of features that a paid account on wordpress would have. I love the embed HTML codes! It sux we cant use them on a free account. It dont make since why not? LOL

  • btw how come I get alerts for this blog for wordpress.com? Did you upgrade yours?

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