Spending the NYE with Mr. Sam and it was all fun until he asked,
“Can I see you tomorrow for a little?”
I replied with “are you seriously asking to see me tomorrow?”
“Yes is that ok?”
“No I don’t normally leave my house on Sunday.”
“Thanks for understanding.”
He replied “I said ok not that I understand.”
And with that statement I felt fearful. Fearful for how this could end in the future. For one of those men who will do anything and I mean anything to keep me from leaving. Whether it’s through emotional manipulation or physical violence. He sounded like he may be joking but the truth often comes out in jest.
I also thought that how I do things so that people will like me, not to leave me and accept me. But the rational part of my brain tells me different. The mental torment in my mind is overwhelming. I also think that it’s so unfair for me to put this all on my Beloved. Because he is the one who will end up “fixing” my fuck up. Borderline people don’t mean to hurt their loved ones its just something that happens due in most part to their impulsive behavior. When the borderline is accepting to feed their ego, things get out of control fast.
I want the sex from Mr. Sam, but not at the cost of my home security. But I still want the sex. To feel the heat from his body, to feel each forceful thrust, to smell him, taste him. I wanna feel all those chemicals released in my brain, to feel high from the sex.
But pain and disloyalty I would cause my Beloved would break my heart. He doesn’t deserve this treatment from me, he’s done everything to please me, to accept me and mostly to love me.
I just have to figure out how to get out of this mess I created for myself. Discreetly, gracefully. And mostly I don’t want to hurt Mr. Sam. He’s a fragile, kind and thoughtful person. He does have a good heart. Maybe misguided, misunderstood he’s still a human being with feelings.
He is hard to get a read on, most men I can figure out rather quickly not Mr. Sam. Perhaps that’s why I cant let him go. The need to find out what makes him tick is strong. Ugh. WTF! Someone just kick me in the head.
Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are….
- The inability to say NO. Borderlines are afraid to say no out of fear of rejection, judgment.
- Relationships: A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
- Attachment fears.
- Addiction to chaos and drama.
- Lying and deceitfulness, mixed messages, self-contradicting.
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