Today he came home after work and informed me that he will be retiring on disability at the end of this week.
That’s right after almost 42 years at the same job he is DONE!
He is going to be home 24/7 now. He’s gonna be home….here with me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t love him or wanna spend time with him. This is a huge change for both of us, I don’t wanna be selfish but damn. Now what?
Most couples have plans, they look forward to growing old together and spending time together but that’s not me. I’m not normal. I have made no such plans, no vacations, no big purchases-nothing.
Having to tell Mr. Sam crushed me. I’m trying to cope with this major change myself and then having to deal with Mr. Sam and his demons is becoming overwhelming. What have I gotten myself into? I don’t want to lose Mr. Sam.
Today I thought I would spend time with Mr. Sam. Doing what, I hadn’t decided. I knew I didn’t want to be at home. And I knew I needed to reassure Mr. Sam that this wasn’t the end. However, I can’t help but to wonder what the future holds for us. Is there even a future. Is it time to weigh out the pros & cons of this relationship? Just taking this relationship one day at a time.
Mr. Sam is broken if not more so than I am. He’s not coping well with this upcoming change to our time spent together. I try to reassure him the best way I know how, sex isn’t always the answer for everything. Is it? I can see that deep in side of him, he is starting to shut down on me. It’s when he or I begin to pull away from the other person in hopes of trying to prevent our hearts from getting crushed into pieces. We retreat into the comfort of our own sanctuary. This never works, but its part of our illness and it’s what we know to do.
I told Mr. Sam to take a shower and get relaxed, because he had a night of arguments with his ailing mother. He looks drained and aged. He came back into the room and started to get dressed. We talked a bit first about much of nothing, he lays down on the bed and we lay there for a few minutes. It’s not the same as it used to be, he would touch me, kiss me and now its as if we are that old married couple. Don’t even get me started on that topic, we all have our needs and today Mr. Sam fell short. I get it, he has his issues. However, more & more I know this may not last as long as we hoped it would.
In the quiet of his room, I felt his hand rest on my leg. And a memory came flooding back to me, of when Charlie was partying for days and needed sleep. Since Charlie’s inability to sleep alone stems for severe childhood trauma and he would rest his hand on my leg. If I moved Charlie would wake up immediately in a panic, if I laid there with him he could rest easy and sleep for a few hours. Mr. Sam seemed to be doing the same thing, only I did manage to get to the bathroom without incident. It wasn’t until I started to rub his sleeping knob that he finally woke up. I figured it was best that I go home. There wasn’t much going on there, when I can be doing stuff at home. He apologized for being a buzz kill, I accepted the apology but was more upset with myself for sitting there as long as I did. I could only think of Charlie and how ended started to fall apart, the same feeling I’m getting with Mr. Sam. As if he is making no effort on his part, as if to say “if it happens it happens and if not no biggie.” I could be reading more into this then I should, but that’s how I am.
As I drove from corn country into the city ideas floated around my mind, each one ending up at the same place. I thought of two blogger during the drive home, ModestyAblaze & Jade. I thought of their different situations, lifestyles and asked myself; how can I get what I want? I do I get that for myself? Is there ever a win-win situation? Not sure if it’s ever gonna be possible for me. But I know that having Mr. Sam in my life for this past year has given me the extra emotional outlet I needed in addition to crossing off of items on my sex bucket list.