Man, I haven’t been doing much of anything….anywhere. Not sure where the days go anymore. I just know that I am gaining weight from sitting around with my Beloved because he’s now on permanent disability retirement.
It’s been two weeks since Mr. Sam & I have had any time together. I haven’t been going to the bar, haven’t been leaving my house. I know this is not good. Not good for me emotionally, mentally and worst of all not good for me physically. I just polished off a half gallon of Butter Pecan ice cream.
The restless builds up from deep within me. I feel guilty for everything. I feel selfish. I question everything I think or say these days. I feel like I am disappearing in to a black hole. I am not unhappy, maybe unsatisfied. I am full of self-doubt these days. I ask myself do I love him? I mean really love him or is it just for security? Am I truly feeling some thing deeper with one than the other one. What do I do about it?
Like I’ve said I feel guilty about doing some things yet not others. I haven’t even gotten up to clean the house when I said I would. It’s not that he would get upset but I get upset with myself when I don’t finish something I said I was going to do or even that I have already started it.
After spending time with Mr. Sam on Friday after those two weeks without him, I was so high on Saturday yet I was torn between tears and smiles. I wanted to be with him again, feeling all those wild & crazy feelings again. Yet I know that Mr. Sam has his darkness and sometimes that causes me to fall into his downward spiral. My Beloved doesn’t have any of that, he’s so controlled, so responsible. He’s not an addict, maybe to gaming but even that has fallen to the side lines since he’s been unemployed.
With the new year fast approaching us, I truly want to set up some boundaries for both but mostly for myself. Things I need to do to take care of myself, I want to set up a schedule for my blogging routine. I have so many unfinished posts that it seems like more are drafts than are published. I hope I haven’t set my goals too high, because I know how that once I fail at one goal I toss-up my hands and walk away from all of it.
Anyway, this is just a brief post to get a few things out of my head before I start on a brief cleaning of the hallway and dining room. I did get most of the laundry washed & folded, just not put away. It’s just another lazy day Sunday for me.