My Labels [BFMH2014]

mia-challenge

One new direction my blog is taking for the year 2014 is writing about topics that are important to me. I’m important to me. A hobby of mine is human behavior. I wanna know why. Why do people drink? Why does he hit his wife? That kind of thing. I have been on a search in the past year to find out my “why’s.” My story starts here….

What is/are your mental illness(es)? Explain it a little.

Where is I start? OK, I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This came about from my near death motorcycle accident. I suffered my very first panic attack 5 months after that accident in the local Walmart. I have not had one since that first attack. I have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder only with impulsiveness. I have another disorder, not sharing that one publicly. Not yet anyway. I found this out just last year. Knowing what, gave me the answers to my questions of why I act the way I do. That explains the risky behavior. The “Charlie Sheen” lifestyle, the irresponsibility for everything I did.

I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder. This was building up over more than a decade ago. I knew something was up with me, when my behaviors were causing major life problems, when they holidays were no longer enjoyed.  I would go back and read my hand written journals. The depression worsened the year my daughter “left” home at the age of 17. I spiraled downward. From that period, the Charlie Sheen lifestyle cost me my high paying job.

I attempted to pull myself up out of the hole I dug myself into. Then after years of being still, my world started to spin because of the people I started to hung out with. Again, the “Charlie Sheen” lifestyle picked up right where it left off. This time, I tangled myself up with a sociopath (well, I think he was). I was hooked, fascinated by his behavior. He & I were so much a like that even his wife mentioned “it’s like you should have been twins or you were separated at birth.”   I wanted to know “how, why, what” caused him to be like that. I figured if I could figure him out, I could “fix” me.  After the dust settled, I felt sick & wanted outside guidance to aid me in processing what I learned from that friendship. No, I’m not a sociopath. Maybe a few tendencies. My main overlapping symptom is impulsiveness. I grabs me from all directions.

I think back to when I was younger, damn. I joke now, back then I wasn’t laughing. I had outbursts of anger. Feeling only happy or sad or angry. Nothing else. I would always tell people to me everything is either black or white, there was no gray area. You’re either pregnant or you’re not. Simple. Until last year, I had no clue what it all meant.

I think with mental illness, it goes unnoticed. Unless a person ends up in the hospital due to some mental breakdown, overdose, suicide attempt. Some outside force is involved and brings the behavior to light. I think I got tired of not knowing why I do the things I do. I wanted the official diagnosis, if there was one. I thought just the attention deficit disorder, yet in the back of my mind I knew mental illness travel in pairs.

Emotional

I’m glad that I finally got the answers I was looking for. I will say this that I don’t hit many bottoms lately. I seldom ever share them, emotions are something to be kept to yourself. Never let them see you cry. The last few days, I’ve been in a half bottom. I don’t feel like I’m laid out on the floor, however, I noticed I pulled away from one of my co-workers. He cornered me today demanding to know “ok, what’s going on with you?” I told him, by the end of the conversation I had him smiling & laughing. WTF?! He said “you have to come in the driver’s room in the morning to start me up.” Afterwards, in the car, I thought “fuck, I want someone to start me up for a change.” I feel like I have to be “on.” Now, when shit hits, like with my Manchild. As a mother, I want to help him, but I can’t and then I cry. Compounded with the event at work, being “on” to make others laugh & smile. I’m exhausted & drained.

It’s times like this, that if the opportunity presents itself, the “Charlie Sheen” part of me with jump out for a good mind numbing time. The risky, restless  behaviors push their way to the surface. I’ll give myself until to Saturday to get this out of my system, I’ve got things I need to do.

 

 

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