I’m minding my biz when I get a notice on Facebook. “Hey I need you to call me. It’s important!” I replied “I’m scared! Is it about him?” She replied “yes. Please call me.“
So I called. I tried to prepare myself emotionally for what ever I was about to hear. But since my emotional gauge is broken, I couldn’t. Like a drunk who tells themselves that they can stop anytime. I knew that I was gonna hear that SHE showed up and he was in jail. Instead it was a bit different.
Her speech was like a machine gun going off in my ear. “He’s in the hospital. He got jumped by some biker dudes! It’s was “CC” (crazy cunt) she set him up.” I just listened, feeling my heart starting to pound. I felt a wave of emotions. Panic. Anger. Frustration. Sadness. More Anger. More frustration. She went on “Toothless said he was bleeding from his ears. They hit him in the head with brass knuckles. I could hear her voice starting to crack. We figured it’s best to call you because you’re the only immediate family we know.” I thought “what a place. Even though it’s a nasty hole in the wall, the bartender cares enough about him.“
Even as I type this from phone the texts keep coming. I’m angry now. Jealous is more like it. Oh god I don’t want to admit that. I have no right to be jealous over him. I feel so many things. Mostly all selfish, because it wasn’t me he was with. It’s not me that he called second to his mother. I’m the one who missed the drama. Then I’m happy it wasn’t me that was with him. I’m happy that I’m unable to drive which gives me an excuse not to run to the hospital to be with him. I’m angry because he’s hanging around toothless for days like we used and I feel replaced. I’m angry because it’s not me getting his attention, but a part of me doesn’t want it now knowing how far he’s fallen.
After she finished I called his phone. His mother answered she didn’t recognize my voice. She is furious at that crazy cunt who caused this mess and she’s furious with her son as well. We talked for a few minutes. They were waiting for the surgeon to come and fix his lips since there are pieces missing. She handed him the phone, he said “you gonna come hang out with me?” I laughed “no. But it’s funny how I know about the shit you do!” He chuckled “yeah what’s up with that?!”
I don’t remember saying take care or love you. Most of me wants to punch him in the throat and the other part wants to run away fast. I wanna punch him in the throat because he baited me into caring about him. I got caught in his sociopathic web. Just when I think I’m out I get sucked back in to his chaos & drama by some invisible force. Sometimes I think it’s the devil keeping me here. Sorry but one never truly sheds their religious upbringing.
There was so many texts between me & every one else. I get overwhelmed and annoyed. I always feel like I’m gonna say something wrong or that he will hate me. Then again I know he could and will not leave me by his choice. His own abandonment issues prevent him from doing that. Sometimes I wonder if he only sticks around because I give him what he needs. I think it’s the taxi service I offer him. Because toothless is one of the few chicks who can drive and that’s where he’s been since I’ve been unable to hang with him. I don’t want to believe that. That he’s using me for transportation. However I’m learning more & more to trust my gut & instinct. And that’s what it’s telling me. Then I get angry all over again. I know I told his mother that I would stop by tomorrow to see him & her. But I don’t think I will. It’s one of those statements people say when they don’t want to sound uncaring. I lied. Maybe I’ll just call him, like he did me for those first few days after my foot surgery. He was one of the only ones that did call me. Now I feel bad for even thinking I wouldn’t go.
I’m going to bed now. It’s almost 2 am. I think I can sleep a few hours now before my grandson wakes up.
This post is written in part of the year-long meme called “Blog for Mental Health 2015.” I share these personal stories as an example of what BPD can look like. CLICK the banner for more information on the meme.