I don’t always help people. Why?
Because I believe that they are where they want to be in their life, most willing victims. Sure, there are those who are not so willing to be in a bad situation in their life.
My grandmother used to always tell me “God helps those who help themselves.” I hated when she would say that to me, because it usually meant that she was saying “no” to some sort of request that I made. Perhaps a peanut butter jelly sandwich, she would say that phrase in her attempt to let me know that I had the ability to make the sandwich for myself.
Recently my beloved & I have been blessed with two extra vehicles in our possession. Sure, my old car the Avalon is starting to need some extra work but for someone who doesn’t have a car, it beats walking right?
I wasn’t giving away my car, I was merely loaning to someone who I thought could use it. Use it to go to get his life on track, new driver’s license, social security office or just to get out of the house and take a drive somewhere. My friend had the Avalon since the 27th of last month and he has not used it at all to my knowledge. It was in the driveway and this morning I had to jump-start it with my GMC truck. I had asked him last night if we could do it, but the reply was “I’ll have the same problem tomorrow because its gonna be cold again tonight.” I thought “how do you know that the car isn’t going to start? and if it doesn’t, we’ll jump it again.” I let it slide. My beloved asked if he had gotten it started, no I replied.
Well did he at least wipe the snow off of it to make it look like its being used?
I didn’t have to heart to say anything. The answer was no. My once prize possession was looking neglected on the street covered in snow. I decided to take care of it myself. I went over there with spare keys, jumper cables and the truck. Scraped all the snow off, connected the cables and waited for the battery to charge.
He came out of the house, with a huge smile on his face. However his smile didn’t last long when I spoke. I tried my best to explain how I felt about the situation.
I felt taken advantage of.
I felt that my Beloved (a very good man) was taken advantage of.
I felt that he showed no appreciation for the gesture of us letting him use the car to run errands.
I expected him to use it to learn how to get around in a town he isn’t familiar with yet.
I expected him to use the car to at least gather information to better his situation.
Hell I wouldn’t have even minded if he drove the car with his mom and just drove around.
When he stood there I heard the excuses coming. “I was gonna ….”
I couldn’t hold myself together anymore. I spoke to him about how I felt he didn’t appreciate the gesture. I don’t remember if he ever apologized for anything. I remember him kind of debating the previous nights conversation with me about the why we didn’t jump-start the car. He began to talk about it was my concern with time restraints. He spoke about how he was worried about me being out in the cold. I started to get mad when it felt like he was trying to gaslight me, to try to argue what was said in during the conversation. Who cares.
It’s not even that, latter upon reflection I realized that I was disappointed in myself for having faith & expectations in him. That this man, someone who I have come to care deeply about has no sense of ambition, no seeming desire to better himself for the future. I said to him how I wasn’t angry, just frustrated because I had to hear it from my Beloved. And again I don’t remember him saying much of anything that made me feel like he appreciated it or something that would make me feel any better. I made the decision to take my car back. Since he was standing outside already I said “now you can drive this back to my house and ill give you a ride back here.” I watched all the energy drain from his body.
When he got into my new car I could feel his energy had changed. “You’re not shutting down on me are you?”
“No, just trying not to get sick in your car.” He stopped talking and leaned his head on the head rest as I drove him home. He got out of the car, mumbling something. I went inside after him, not to talk but because I could feel my Borderline issues starting. My issues feed off of his major depression and other issues. He laid in bed saying he didn’t feel good. I laid there next to him for a few minutes and got up to leave a bit later. I didn’t say goodbye, I just left.
I didn’t hear from him until hours later. “I love you. I feel sick. I’m angry and don’t wanna say anything stupid. Talk later.”
From that text all I can see is “I’m angry.” I keep thinking about what?! The way I spoke to you? You’re angry because I didn’t say goodbye? Angry because I was angry? WHAT? I spent hours today discussing this with my beloved. In the end he says “you have difficulty balancing this part of your life. You need to learn to balance the relationship. You need to go up to the mountain and FOCUS.”
I lifted my friend up to my Beloved, so based on my judgement he extended himself. And I guess now I feel stupid for putting too much faith & expectations on my friend. I’m really just disappointed in myself. I don’t know how it will end. I know that I am ok with it either way. I’m tired. Some of the things his says to me these days make me shrugs my shoulders or crinkle up my nose. What I do know is that I’m not chasing him. If he texts me that’s great, if not that’s great too. There will be just that awkward moment of picking up the rest of my belongings. This Friday is his father’s memorial, I already took off work to attend.
Perhaps this is just one of those rough patches that couples and friends go through.
Being borderline for me, made this an all day emotional event. Came home from work feeling exhausted, still needing to make sense of all of it I wrote it down here, in my journal and shared it with a very dear friend. Nothing relieves the anxiety of not knowing what’s going on in his head. I just know that if he abandons me, the crazy chick comes out. The chick who cares nothing of consequences of her actions just caring about relieving the pain.