A Kick to My Balls [BFMN2016]

For the past two years I have participated in “Blogging for Mental Health” year-long meme. Sadly, the last I heard the meme was finished due to the blog owner’s health issues. The meme would not be continued this year.

BUT… BUT….I’m still going to blog for my mental health.

Yesterday I was on a slight emotional high. I was asked to accept an “e-promotion.” What’s that? Well, it’s one of those things that happens in an online life. I started out as a “moderator” for an Instagram account. Then asked to step up to the level of administrator of the IG hub account. Now I’ve been asked to step up to Lead Administrator Assistant. Sure, it may not be a huge thing to most people, but for those of us, like me; who have an “e-life” it’s exciting.

Ok. I can only speak for myself when I say all the above. I’ve been trusted with passwords, codes and responsibilities. How cool? So, I was kind of emotionally high yesterday.

At time of publication of post this photo had only 20 likes

  

However, today it’s a completely the opposite. I’m walking around in a dark emotional place.

Why? What triggered the sudden emotional downward spiral?

Not actually sure. Perhaps it’s been bubbling below the surface. Since I have put on inches, about 10 pounds in the last month. It’s been working on my self-esteem. I was using the concept of posting selfies to get the emotional high that I need. But now with a low self-esteem I can’t do the pictures I want.

I decided to take some pictures of myself today. I had an idea of what I wanted to do. It’s gray outside, raining. Sometimes that can affect my emotional being, but most of the time it doesn’t. I wanted to take some photos that I could post on Instagram. I would like to post my Sinful Sunday photos, but I really don’t feel that comfortable posting those there.

Using Instagram can be upsetting, finding the “in-crowd” hashtags is a bitch. Those hashtags that get you noticed with the groups that you are looking to belong to or to find similar photos to yours. You want to get noticed, don’t you? If not why would you post photos? I’m scanning, searching through hashtags. I look at profiles of women who have posted half-naked photos of themselves. Some of them I wonder…are they real? Who are these women? Where do they live? Because I don’t see women who look like that everyday, at the store, etc. I see the number of likes on just one of their photos. Sometimes, it’s over 300. I look at the tags, they are using the same ones I am. BUT they have all those likes, they have 11k followers and I have 300. I ask myself.

What I am doing this for?

Who am I doing this for?

Why am I doing this?

Why are they doing it?

Who are they posting the photos for?

I read on one profile “Never in a million years would I have thought a social media app would bring me so much joy.” How does one get joy from a social media app? The long-lasting genuine friendships she’s making? By friendships I mean those equal with the ones that we experience IRL. Or cant I compare the two? Real life and net world? Why does this social media app bring her joy? Because I think she’s like the rest of us who get that high from the attention.

   

I just don’t understand it all. It’s like a kick to my balls. The kick is hard, I can feel it throughout my body. My esteem falls to the floor. I try to pick it up from the floor, but nothing works. I can really spiral out of control during times like this. It’s Friday. I know that “Charlie” is just down the street. I could go for a drink, for the random stranger sex or “I hate myself sex.” I could do anything just to get my esteem off the floor and to get my emotions back up to my baseline. It’s times like this when I have to step back. Take a deep breath. And stand still. It will pull down into a dark hole if I let it. I standing on the edge as it is, looking down into the abyss. 

[Photos in this post are NOT to be used without the written permission of the owner] 

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