Go on and tell me lies, but hold me tight

I had been desperately trying to get back in to the habit of taking photos.

I remember reading Molly’s writing on why she took photos of herself and how she started it due there was another women who was taking nude photos of herself. Bottom line the photos were to boost self-esteem, create body positive awareness. I guess not to be afraid of sharing the photos, let the inner person shine through.

Those of us that take part in taking photos of ourselves and share them online, have a process that we do. Well I do. It’s no biggie if I’m just using my iPhone to snap a quick shot of myself. Otherwise my house has to be empty, unless I’m taking night photos. I have my music playing in the background to set my mood. That’s a must have-music! And I have to be in the right frame of mind. I seeing a pattern of dark moody portraits more often. Not sure why, I do like taking those better. Mr. Sam keeps telling me that I need to smile more in my photos and he keeps telling me to push myself to do more.

When did I gain all this weight? I weigh the same but holy fuck the fat is slipping out everywhere. No wonder why women have melt-downs. It’s difficult to compete with others online. Sure I’m not suppose to be comparing myself to others, but I do. After taking this last set of photos I don’t want to take anymore. Sure I can take photos of others, landscapes, animals anything but ME! Who the fuck wants to see what I see in the photos. Gross.

I have started to work out, walking and cycling everyday. As much as my knee will allow me too. I know it’s not going to happen over night, the losing weight part. As part of me doesn’t even care anymore. I ask myself I was doing this all for an emotional high and if this isn’t giving me one I guess if its time to move on to something else.

What hurt me tonight is when I took the photos, I sent them to my Beloved and to Mr. Sam. I sent the originals because they always ask for them and then the edited photos. This time I got nothing. Mr. Sam is having attitude because I told him I’ll be going out tomorrow night. Lately he has shown signs of jealousy. My Beloved isn’t fond of my dark moody portraits. When I said how fat I looked there was no response. It took all I could not to scream at him to call him mean things but I got my Borderline issues under control. He knew to give me space until I can process the ugliness that I feel now. I count on both of them to love me for the crazy wild chick that I am. To give me some feedback, but when I didn’t get it this time and that’s what’s bothering me right now.

Neither one of them will lie to me, neither one of them has so far. Sometimes I wish they would lie about how I look, tell me I’m not fat. But they know that I would yell at them “stop lying!” Tomorrow I hope that I’m over this emotional hump and continue with my workouts.

I like this photo below, there’s something about it that speaks to me.

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