It’s Finally Starting to Get to Me [BFMH2017]

He’s been home now since mid-November, retired on disability he is home 24/7 and that’s ok. I get it. He can’t do a lot of standing anymore and Monday he helped a very good friend of mine with some 8 ft tall shelving units, by Tuesday he was limping & in a lot of discomfort. Sometimes I forget he’s “disabled.”

Anyways, he can’t do a lot of walking, standing or driving anymore and like I said that’s ok. BUT.

You know there’s always a but…

He gets up early around 5:30 when I do and he visits with me while I get ready for work. When I leave I’m sure he masturbates and then plays video games and eats breakfast. When he goes to his man cave he usually takes his phone with him however today he did not. Today is the day I text him while I was working in corn country. I asked him to get some food items ready for me when I get home, you know to save me some time. Then I text him a second time to ask him if he wanted to go our shopping with me, so we could hang out and spend some time together out browsing at stuff.

I like going out early in the morning, because most people aren’t out at 8am. I like beating the crowd and get home by noon to have lunch and relax before driving out-of-town and back to work. He never answered my texts and I figured that meant he hadn’t checked his phone. Of course when I walked in the house, he was playing video games in his mancave, “Hey I’m home.”

“I hear that.”

“Where is your phone?”

“Up there with you somewhere?”

“I thought so. I’m going to my office.”

I’m inside my office and receive a text. “Yes.” This is in response to asking him to get some food ready for me to save me a few minutes. But now it doesn’t really matter because well I’m home. Second text “Yes I would.” In response to my question about going shopping with me. I replied with its ok. I’m home now and already took my shoes, sweater off.”Meaning I am preparing to relax in my office. I almost started to cry while sitting there. Why? I don’t know. Perhaps I’m feeling resentful or imposed upon, but I don’t think its fair of me to feel imposed upon, because we are married and live together. Shouldn’t I be happy that he’s home? That he’s free from the company he hated so much after 43 years. But when he worked I didn’t have to concern myself with worrying about him being home. I guess it’s finally starting to get to me that he is home all the time. That my life is not the same, the freedom isn’t there like it used to be. There is guilt for me if I go shopping and don’t invite him with, guilt if I wanna spend time with friends and don’t include him. Ugh. My BPD issues kicked into gear, but not fast enough that I couldn’t get a handle on them. However I did wake up in a bad mood which probably had an impact on my reaction.

So before my borderline issues get too out of control I ask myself what caused my reaction?

Well, probably that he did not have his phone with him. That I text him asking him to spend time with me and a brief snippet of feeling rejected appeared which lead to anger. Then I started thinking about how I shouldn’t feel that way, I’m being dramatic. This is all part of having Borderline Personality Disorder, some deep seeded fear of rejection & abandonment then reacting to those feelings in a destructive way. Once we talk through my emotions I tend to hide out in my office to work on getting my emotions back to baseline. Sometimes it’s not always easy, sometimes I will replay it over & over in my head until I exhaust myself.

I know that the retirement is a major lifestyle change for us & our marriage. I know that some marriages don’t make it through some major changes. I’m not one who accepts major change very well.

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