It’s been months since I had heard or seen him. I knew that he found another victim to replace me. Victim? Yes. I use that word because he is a sociopath. He uses people without remorse. I knew that before we got involved. I have known about his behavior since we were in our twenty’s.
I’m dysfunctional. I know this. I have a weakness for him. My bad girl ways go hand in hand with his bad boy ways. However, I got tired of him. Yes. Me. I did. I knew betraying him to those closest to him would be the end of us.
It was after I exposed some of his secrets that I realized I’m not too different than he is. I’m easily addicted to anything that gives me pleasure. He gave me pleasure in lots of ways. None of those pleasures were or are good for me. This is the end of some of the sinful pleasures. The end of my connections to his world. It’s the end of the trust that he had given me.
I missed the craziness of it. I missed the hot sex. The spontaneous sex. The kind of sex we would have was being somewhere and trying to find a place to fuck. Like a birthday party or a bar or a friend’s cookout.
I was angry as a disturbed hornet’s nest when I heard he was back with her. That he refused to press charges against her when she had destroyed all his belongings while he tried to leave her. A brand new TV, that I had helped him get back after he pawned it from cash to rent a new apartment away from her. All that work for nothing. Still makes me want to spit nails. He knew not to contact me after news of his decision reached me.
Months went by. I finally was brave enough to go back to the pool hall. I had heard about his work schedule. I figured the morning would be good to go have a drink because it’s a different crowd. None of his people would be there to see me. Besides he was working first shift now. So I was told.
I’m sitting at the bar, talking to “Shorty.” She’s spewing gossip from her lips while I sip my water. We hear the front door open. We both look, but because of the bright sunshine through the glass doors it’s almost impossible for a person to focus on the face of the person walking towards you. It was HIM. He hugs Shorty first and looks at me with this smirk on his face.
“I seen your car out back and decided to come through to say hi.”
I crossed my arms together. I wanted to get up and leave, but my ass wasn’t moving off the seat. What’s going on with me? Why am I still sitting here?
He babbles on with Shorty about schedules, who’s doing what and when. Then I get enough courage to get up. BUT, just as I do. He says “Well, I just came through to say hi to you.”
He waves bye to Shorty and walks out along side of me, holding the door.
We walk together in a tense silence. It was so uncomfortable for both of us. I’m not sure if he wanted to say something, but what? Neither none of us will admit to anything or any wrong doing.
“See ya later.”
“Yeah, take it easy.“
I was almost to my car when I looked at him walking towards the bar with his head hanging down. Something in me yelled “HEY.“
“Are we good?” I asked.
“I never thought we weren’t good.” he yelled back.
We stood there. Me at my car door and him almost into the bar. Looking at each other as if we had something to say but just couldn’t. “Come here!“
We walked toward each other. “Gimme a hug foo.“
We embraced in a long tight hug. I whispered in his ear “I missed you so much.”
“You did? Yes. I missed you too. I called and text but I didn’t hear back from you.“
Here’s where it gets unstable….”I didn’t have the money to pay my phone bill.” (I lied, because I knew he knew I was mad. I blocked him. It’s what I do to him. He knows all this, but why we lie to each other is still unknown to me.)
“I doubt it. I know how you get. You were ignoring me, so I just let you be.”
“You know I don’t reach out to people!“
“Wha, you wanted me to chase you?“
“Yes. It’s what we do.”
“Well unblock me from your phone then!”
He always tries to check and push me, to make me confess. But I don’t. We go our separate ways and before I got home I got a text.
Me who, lol?
guess its a different number.
Nah its the same number.
Well what did I do delete it? lol
Delete what?! Ur number is the same and so is mine.
Well u said me who? silly!!!!
well you said It’s me as if I didn’t know!
yeah I know u hafta know who ur ignoring right?!
That’s right and it’s a good thing to have money again to pay bills and get my phone back on.
Well then get back to work!
I am. slacker.”
I haven’t heard from him since. I knew that we needed some sort of closure before we could truly end whatever it was that we had together. I kind of feel better knowing that we at least talked, before we never hung out again. I’m glad we ended “us” on some sort of level.
My deep fear is that one day after a long silent period that he will reappear in my life, however it will never be the same as it was at it’s best.
I often think of my 805Muse, but I will never reach out to him. We just stopped talking one day. Those days turned into weeks, months and its been over a year now since I heard from him. Perhaps it’s easier when there is closure verses just the never talking to each other. It’s difficult sometimes for me to say goodbye and end the relationship with certain people. Others I can walk away without too much emotional pain. Like my #number 1 fan in England. I was surprised when I ended the friendship with him that I felt nothing. But there are others that I can’t say goodbye too. I think because of my BPD, my issues creep in. My attachment and abandonment issues spike and it’s so difficult for me to get my emotions back to baseline.
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