Emotionally Spent [BFMH]
Thursday I had a family visitation to attend. I received a phone call days earlier from my estranged father informing me that my one of my uncles had passed away. An uncle I remember who would bring his family over for Sunday dinners.
I was never super close to them, although we did attend the same high school. I hadn’t seen them since the 80’s. I don’t remember them attending my grandparents funeral, don’t remember much about the 80’s to be truthful, especially the late 80’s.
It was going to be tough going to this visitation to see family I no longer associated with. My ASPD issues were overshadowed by my BPD issues. I wasn’t that cocky arrogant person I used to be. I was fearful, anxious and borderline unstable.
My Beloved arrived home from work, I’m dressed and ready to go. “I really don’t want to go.”
He sits there in the chair blank faced. I tell him that dinner is in the oven and I walk upstairs trying to maintain & contain my unstable emotions. I can feel the emotions starting to boil, lid is almost off the pot. I manage to pull myself together, in the back of my mind I’m concerned that my Beloved may have some health issues. I push that aside for the moment and I remained in my office. Because of the past history with my father and his second wife I need my Beloved to be my shield. I was hurt & angry that this event didn’t mean that much to him to remember. Then the rational part of me says it may not have been a big deal to him to remember, sometimes when you really don’t want to do something you tend to push it out of your mind, right? thus forgetting. I’ve done it to him, so I couldn’t be too mad at him.
I tossed back a shot of booze before leaving the house. While I was talking to my cousins and giving my condolences I felt a tug at my sweater. It was my estranged father. Looking old, just really old. He asked me if I wanted to meet my replacements. Since I had stopped talking to him in the early 2000’s my father had decided to “adopt” his cousins adult daughters. Girls he hadn’t had contact with through their youth yet suddenly they are one big happy family. These are also the girls (my cousins) who will inherit my share of the family estate. Should I be jealous or angry? Not really. I made my decision to stay away from the family.
My father reintroduced me to them as if for the first time meeting them. I could no longer tell them apart, they looked so much alike. They were married, to the same looking white guy with the same looking white kids with those white kid names. We all shook hands. I laughed and said “how formal of us to shake hands” they both looked at me strangely and their husbands laughed. I was standoffish, I know. My father said that he would be leaving shortly, I said my goodbyes to them. They said the polite thing of “it was nice to meet you.” REALLY?! We’re fucking cousins you goobers! UGH. I said “see you at the next funeral” as I turned to walk away.
My father & I had brief words. He told my youngest son a brief story about the family history. Made jabs at my Beloved for being overweight. He tried to make jabs at my son but being 6’4 and 240 pounds my father chose his words carefully. I felt only uncomfortable during this encounter. With nothing to say to my father, I didn’t want to have to speak loudly because he’s deaf now. I never acknowledged his wife, as I did see her standing there by the door. I waved goodbye to the remaining family and knew that this will be the last time I see them. As I was walking out of the door I remembered that I didn’t hug my father goodbye I was focused on just getting out the door quickly. I turned around to see where my shield & son were, my manchild was locked in a tight embrace with my father a strong & firm hug. I thought “oh fuck, I should probably do that too.” I turned back walked to him “see ya Pop.” Hugging him with that “back pat” type of hug. It was so uncomfortable for the both of us. I even laughed and said “oh how cute we both gave the back pat hug.” My Beloved laughed out loud as he knew exactly what I meant. My father stood there for a moment then chuckled. It was all very surreal with people standing in the background frozen and those photo collages of my uncle in the corners of the room.
It was all very emotional. When I have those type of days it’s normally followed by a day of fatigue but not wanting to sleep and sluggishness. A drain of my power source. Keeping to keep my borderline issues under control takes work. Today, I would be thrilled to be able to cuddle up in bed with Mr. Sam. It’s a cool gray day today and that would be perfect. Mr Sam has been occupied with the care of his ailing mother 24/7 until she is able to move about freely. I feel for him but that’s his decision.
When I get like this I seldom feel like going out for drinks at my regular Friday night dive bar. However, due to the encounter with my father I will be meeting a close friend to have a few drinks. Days like this I reach out to those closest to me because I need them to reenergize my power source. Its days like today when I question why Mr. Sam is around. I have that need to relief that numbness that I feel or perhaps I want to feel something besides what I’m feeling now. Sex was always great mood booster. I could always count on the endorphin release after a hard & dirty fucking. Who knows what the night holds in store for me…its still early.