Dissociated [BMFH2014]

Day 7: Have you ever dissociated? If so, how often?

Since I have read up on my main illness. This seems to be one of the symptoms. I kept reading about it on different levels, trying to understand it. Not being able to relate to it, until yesterday.

The day went by, but I don’t remember much of it. I know that I sat down at the work table. Forgot to do a very important work task. I looked at a co-worker doing the paperwork. I thought “oh shit, I didn’t do that. I need to get that done.” But my body didn’t move, just sat there in silence. I continued to watch my co-workers pile in, one by one.

Someone looked at me “isn’t time for you to leave?”

Shit. It was. I was just sitting there. Zoned out. Thoughts of PMS, exhaustion and the everyday hum drumness were the reasons I gave myself for being zoned out. Maybe that truly was the case. Just my body changes were affecting me. Mid-life physical changes. There was no stress that I was consciously aware. However, I do know that sometimes I do not always deal with stress in a conscious state.

I felt that the day was lived on auto-pilot. I came home, feeling like I needed to nap. I couldn’t rest. I kept going. I don’t remember where the day went.  I don’t remember anything eventful about Wednesday. I was quiet most of the day. This sensation of dissociation, if and I say if because I’m not 100% sure of what the whole thing is and if it’s what I experienced. The feeling of being dissociated was continuing through this morning. Until something eventful happened at work. I was mentally stimulated awake. The rest of today was filled with alertness and the end of the day ended with “43.” Just talking to him, laughing with him before my long drive back into the city.

If this is dissociation, I don’t experience as much as I used to. Looking back, during my divorce I have chunks and the year 1987 is a total blur. I think that when my life’s was upside down I might have felt it more. I am gonna start to pay more attention to this. To see how often I experience it, along with what’s going on in my life at the time of the dissociation.

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