A friend text me to keep him company at the pool hall while he watched football. It seemed that the rest of his crew was unable to show up, I felt like I was the second choice. No matter I hadn’t planned on staying long. Enough to have one drink to satisfy his need for company and leave.
Sitting there my phone rings “Hey, I just got off the phone with Astro & he told me that Charlie is back!”
“NO FUCKING WAY!” was my response.
“Yup, I had planned on stopping by there. I was wondering if I could borrow $20 until I get my first paycheck.”
I love my friend and all, but I’m sorry if you don’t have the money for booze then you have to suffer without. I refuse to loan my money away for shit like that when you can suffer like the rest of us. There were plenty of times when I went without because I had to pay more important things. Anyway, I really just wanted to walk over to “the hole” to see if Charlie was really there.
I told my friend the story and he offered to walk me over there. We laughed & smiled. Astro was standing there with his girl, I pretty much avoided any eye contact with him after last weekend. I
I opened the door & popped my head inside the bar. I heard his voice before I opened it, I held the door open while I stared at him.
He comes over and hugs me. We hold on tight. I take a deep breath in, to fill my nostrils with his scent. “You coming in for a drink? Come in for a drink babe. Its been so long.”
“But I’m…” I point outside to my friend.
“WHAT?! You with that dude? Is that you like now? Really?”
“Noooo, but he asked me to come down to the pool hall to have some drinks with him & watch football.”
“WTF?! Oh youre like that now? with him?! You don’t even like sports!”
I put my head down, “but you left me. You abandoned me.”
“I did not abandon you, I had things that needed to be sorted out. I went to jail too. I’m almost done with all that shit, just a few more weeks to go.”
“You left me. You never looked for me.” I felt like I was 8 years old. I fed in to his ego. I wonder if he ever thought of me. I doubt it. He goes on to give me an excuse of not having my phone number.
“How was I suppose to get a hold of you? I didn’t have your number. Gimme your phone.”
He calls his phone from mine. “There. There you have my number now. I’m gonna be here on the weekends but only during the day. I have to pay off my doubt.”
I hugged him again, held on to him so tightly. I didn’t want to let him go. Our mutual friends had said were he was living, how bad he looked and a bit about his life. So I already knew the stuff he was telling me. He confirmed that he is still with “CC.” That he wants to stay with her until after the trial is over. I think that he’s stupid, but he seems to think his cock will win her over.
We talked for a while about what’s going on with him. I watched his crew watch us. I told Charlie about how Astro treated me last weekend. “I’ll have a talk with him.”
“God no! It will only make things more uncomfortable.” He laughed. We sat down in the cool kids part of the bar. I’m back in the corner. Away from everyone, the others in the bar take notice. How I have changed with him around. I am quiet & reserved when he is around. I act like him when he’s not there. He fluttered around the bar like he always used too and would come back to me.
I was sitting with my legs crossed, I noticed that his jean shorts were touching my leg so I moved my leg away. He noticed right away and touched his leg against mine. I looked at him and smiled big. I know I am an emotionally unstable person. Without him I feel broken. WHY THE FUCK IS THAT?! oh because I’m mentally ill.
He was telling me some details about his upcoming trial and the real possibility of him going to prison. I grabbed his face with both my hands and smiled. “I’ve missed you so much.” He smiles big, continuing to talk the entire time my hands are on his face.
“Look Charlie I need to say something before I walk away without saying it to you. I need you in my life, please don’t go away anymore. I know I pushed you away and was mean to you, you hafta know I only did it because I have that push-pull thing going. We made a mistake the last time, the sex. I don’t wanna ruin what we have with adding the sex. Look what happened.”
“Babe. I’m not going anywhere, I never left you. I just had stuff to do. I got tired of the bullshit here and yes you hurt me. Yes we carried it too far the last time and I freaked out too, but in a different way. I’m also back with CC, I’m going to seriously get my life together. Maybe we can look for a nice place to hang out together, because this place has gotten too crazy.”
I sipped my drink. I really wanted to jump on him there in the bar. I haven’t been satisfied at home. Sad, huh? That the sex just kind of fell off the list of shit to do. But when it comes to Charlie, he gives me the excitement I crave. I know that I can left the wildness go and not be too afraid. However, we can never do what happened when we both had a weak moment.
His phone starting ringing. He ends his call. “Babe, don’t get upset. Please. CC is on her way here. I’m just telling you so you can decide what you wanna do. I just want everyone to be comfortable and we both know how we are together. I just want it peaceful. I can’t afford to be in anymore trouble. I’m not telling you, but…maybe you should go back to the pool hall and I’ll come get ya when she leaves.”
“Nah, I’m good. I said my peace with you. I’m headed home. I don’t need anything more from you.”
“Remember what days I’m here. You can come see me any of those days.”
I left feeling emotionally high. Thinking I can pick myself back up off the ground now. Work on losing the extra pounds I gained when I just gave up. I felt I lost him. I felt awful about the way I treated him the last time I seen him. I could feel the alcohol kicking in. I felt good. Feeling whole. However, I know that Charlie was lying. I know that I wont hear from him. I know that he knows I blew smoke up his ass. Why do we do that? Why do we lie to each other? I haven’t figured that out yet. I know that we are dysfunctional and totally fucked up.
I’m not sure where all this is going to go, but my head is already reeling thinking about how & what I can do to “win” him back. Yet, I don’t want him nor can I have him in that way any more. I just want him to want me again, like he used to. When I got in my car I could smell him on my shirt. When I got home I took off the t-shirt, held it up to my nose and take a deep breath. His scent made the memories come flooding in to my head. I tossed the shirt in the laundry, took the dog for a walk. The evening air blew across me in the empty park and again I could smell him so strong. I felt a longing deep inside me. I miss him, but still a part of me is thankful he’s not mine. I continued walking the dog thinking of our past together & how I long for those….moments. Moments long since gone.
Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…
- Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
- A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.
- Fearing Abandonment, going to the extreme to prevent this. Real or imagined. Will try to control thoughts, intimidation, threats.