He asked me “How long are you staying?”
“Why? You want me to leave? Got something in mind?”
“I wanted to know, because I’m leaving in a bit and need to make sure you’re gonna be ok. You can always come to my place, then I can take care of you.”
I smiled. We finished our drinks. Sheila was hanging on Charlie, wanting him to take her home. But I got angry and caused a scene with her. Threatening to kick her ass if she keeps touching Charlie. His ego swelled larger than his cock ever could. She backed off and we walked out the door. Funny thing is that it was all a game. We did that to him because he does that to me every time someone tries to talk to me.
We arrived at his apartment. I walked in and dropped myself on the sofa. Head in the middle of the sofa, one leg hanging off and the other draped on the arm rest. He walks behind the sofa and smacks my butt cheek hard.
“How long have you been drinking today? You hungry? Babe!?”
I mumble a “No” under my breath. I wanna test him to see what he does. My mind game is twisted. Its manipulative and serves to get me what I need from him. It’s what we do-to each other.
I don’t remember him coming around the sofa or even sitting down. Somehow I ended up with my head on his lap. I was getting warm. I was getting overheated, nervous about what I was thinking might happen. I felt his hands on my back, gently rubbing it. His other hand on my head, playing with my hair. Stroking my hair, his fingers intertwining with strands of it, twirling it around his fingers. His hand on my neck, his other hand moves further down my back towards my ass. I had moments when I think I might have blacked out, dozed off. I wanted him badly. But I wanted something honest, deep in my soul I knew that to be impossible.
He told me those things I wanted to hear. But I felt nothing from what he said, maybe it was what he didn’t say that I felt more. I played a different game with him. But before I could start that game I fell into old bad habits, I felt that urge overcome me. I felt his hands on me again. I unzipped his pants, pulled out his already hard member. It was like I remembered, long and slender. My mouth engulfed his cock, all those old feelings came flooding back to me. I pushed his cock all the way in to my mouth until it hit the back of my throat. I heard that sound that gets me excited. His deep sigh, that sigh of pleasure. I sucked his cock slow & easy at first, picking up speed. His hands are down my back into my jeans. He’s grabbing flesh, which used to bother me at first but not anymore. He likes the feeling of flesh squeezed in his hands. He grabs some of my hair, using it to pull my head up and pushes it back down on his cock. Faster, faster. My eyes begin to water, my hair makes it hot. His cock can cause me to gag once in a while if I do it just right, otherwise I just make the gagging sounds like in the porn flicks. The sound gets him off, he tilts my face away from him so that he can get a better view. His cock stays hard, hitting the back of my mouth. Sometimes not right. I’ve tried several rounds of sucking him. What’s taking him so long to cum? I’m not able to maintain my focus on what I’m doing. Am I getting bored, tired? WTF?!
I stop. He stands up and helps me up from the floor. He starts to unzip my jeans. I stop him. “NO?! What’s wrong, baby?”
“No. No, I can’t. I want to but I can’t.”
“Ok.” He sits back down on the sofa. We bullshit talk at first. I’m still testing him to find out his reaction. But a part of what I tell him is the truth. “If I can’t suck you off, what else is there for us? I’m losing my gift. And there is nothing left for either of us.”
“Oh quit it. I’ve been drinking & other stuff. You know when I’m like this it takes me longer.” In my head it sounded great, but he was unzipping my pants for a fuck, but I think if a man wants to cum he will no matter how he comes. I start the conversation of ending whatever strings of attachment we have for each other. He says “no, that we will always be bonded.” I look him in the eyes and he winks at me. He shares his court information…”I have to tell you something before you hear it on the street. I’m back with C.” (AKA C.C.) “You do what you gotta do.” I answered him.
We have now crossed the line that we had made for ourselves. I feel numb, yet something deeper is bubbling. These behaviors stem from my BPD, the self-image issues. The sex, is what I use to get me high. I needed to feel like I had control over him, to make him feel used. It didn’t work, instead I feel dirty and useless. Another blow to my ego, even though he tried to reassure me that it wasn’t me. I knew it was. More bullshit small talk between us, he changed his clothes in front of me. I took it as a hint that it was time to leave. “Are you headed back to the hole or you headed home?”
“I wont know until I get there.” I didn’t wanna give him anything more. I’m shutting down emotionally. Walls are up in defense. I wanna quit him in the worse way.
“Ain’t I always?!” I walked out the door. Don’t remember driving home. I remember stumbling up the hallway stairs to the bedroom. Stripping all my clothes off. Pulling the blankets from him. Slowly removing his underwear, taking his sleeping member into my mouth until it was hard enough to ride. Climbed on top of him and fucked him until we both came. I don’t remember anything until waking up with an awful headache the next morning when the alarm went off.
Examples of BPD symptoms in the above are…
- Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don’t exist at all
- Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
- Ongoing feelings of emptiness
- Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship
- A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel.