A Chicago View

Finally..the time arrived. When I went to met my #1 fan and his wife for the very first time. We have been online friends for about 3 years now. This trip has been in the making for the last year. My beloved & I drove to downtown Chicago to meet with them.

It was the most beautiful day ever. Nice & breezy. Sunny.

We went to the Willis Tower Skydeck. The above photo, I took while we were up there walking around. I posted the rest on my instagram account. Tuesday morning we will be driving back to Chicago to pick them up and bring them back to our place for a few days.
Look out for more photos and lots of audio of our time together.
It’s amazing how a person can meet someone online and build a friendship and then finally meet that person. If you had a similar experience, what was yours like? Mine was wonderful, we couldn’t stop hugging each other. Just wanting to touch each other, as if to say “are you real? are we really here together at this moment?”
So much emotion. I wouldn’t ahve missed this for anything!

Bad Day at Work

Have you ever had one of those days?!
I did this past Friday. My job is really cool, until I have days like those. I went into work like normal, when I got there the social outing ended up being canceled due to lack of interest & participation. The few residents that had signed up ended up not showing up to go. My co-worker, came out to the bus and said “I’m canceling the trip, no one is going.” I reply “are you f***ing kidding me?”

My co-worker lost it, stating that I can’t talk like that in front of residents. Well, I was in the driver’s seat and the 3 residents were sitting on the benches outside. I guess my attitude has been “terrible” lately, from what the co-worker told me. I had walked back into the office and basically had the attitude and I even said “I don’t give a f***!” So, long story short, I ended up leaving work and threatening to quit. I called my boss, she seemed to think that nothing more would come of this, however I’m thinking that I will be feeling some wrath on Monday when I return.

I can’t even blame this behavior on PMS. I just have reached that boiling point of this co-worker dropping the ball or maybe coming up with uninteresting places to travel to. Would YOU want to go to the Agricultural Museum? I can’t really blame her, it’s more of the residents stating they wanna go places, but then never sign up. So, maybe we will just stop going out any more outings.


It’s Monday morning and here I sit. Awake.
Too much going on in my mind? Maybe, then again my knee is killing me, left the fan on long enough to cause me a great deal of pain. Pass the “icy hot.”
Funny, most of the summer the weather was extreme heat. So hot that I hid in the coolness of my darkened house. Now, over night it seems that the weather has changed to dropping into the 50’s at night (normally great sleeping weather for me) and in the mid to high 70’s during the day.
I went to bed a bit past midnight and suddenly woke up at 3:30am.
Thinking about those in my life, that I have lost contact with. I often wonder what happened. Did I do something to cause them to leave?
I always feel sad when I lose a friendship, what I hate most is trying to figure out what went wrong. Maybe I didn’t do anything wrong. Nah, otherwise why would that people decide to leave.
As the autumn season approaches, leaves change colors and fall to the ground, I tend to disappear into myself. Getting wrapped up into what’s going on in my life, I am so self-centered at times.
However, don’t think for a second that I don’t think of those souls that came into my life for even just a day, cause I do. However, as time passes their memory will fade, remembering only a small part of them. The part that they left behind with me, the way the affected my life.
I think of him, waiting for him, wondering how he is doing. I should go back to bed, so I can finish these thoughts of him, so those thoughts can carry me away into dreamland. Sweet Dreams…..

Real Life Friends vs Internet eFriends

So, I have been in a fog lately.
I thought for a while that I was spending too much time paying attention to internet efriends. I made an effort to begin to detach from the internet. To begin interacting with those people who are in my life daily. Family & friends. Then something happened and it all changed. I was involved with DRAMA, yes the D-word. How did this happen?! I tried to avoid it, but I picked a side (so to speak) and was ousted from those family & friends who I had spent a lot of time with. I got burnt by people in the real world. OUCH! I actually had to feel something and experience emotional discomfort. Something I had felt in at least 3 years.
I am I thinking of returning to the comfort of my office, since winter approaches, I can interact with people via the internet once again. No leaving my home, no acting out, no getting into trouble, no listening to gossip. All those things that are out there in the real world. I will return to the efriends that I have neglected for a few months (to a year). I also think that it’s a way to keep myself “safe”. I don’t get hurt this way, I live my life safe in a bubble. I know that’s not always a healthy way, however, for now I think it’s my reality. So, watch out, cause I will be here more often.


  • The Internet Can Devour You (the-positive-blog.com)
  • Real Friends vs. Fake Friends (realityofcollege.wordpress.com)


Family is Over Rated

When you love someone… truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt—you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling—like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that? –

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Well, I found out I was “blocked” by someone on facebook.
Ya know, I always wanted to be part of a big family because I’m an only child, but after experiencing what I thought was something I wanted, I now know its not. Why does it hurt my feelings because I was “blocked?” Wow, cause it was family. Family should be able to talk out differences, but I guess in this case – NOT.

I realize that I was putting effort and engery into something that didn’t belong to me. I had my daughter over tonight. I explained that I was wrong. That I knew I hurt her and if it takes swallowing my pride to see my grandson and whatever rules & loops she wants me to jump through I will do so. I realize that eventually the outer family falls away, however the inner core remains. I look back, I got so wrapped up in things that I should have never been involved in. I find it amazing that as much as family says “i’ll never hurt you” They are the ones who hurt you before anyone else does. It’s always family that turns on each other, in some of the worst ways. Kind of glad I’m an only child.

I know that after being hurt by someone, it is so difficult to trust someone else again. I have to be honest with myself, keep in check cause certain triggers come out when I am in these moods. Bad, very destructive. It won’t take long to bounce back I know. Just another learning experience in this short lifetime of mine. Family is over rated at times.

My Thoughts are Driving Me Nuts

It’s been a few weeks now, there has been so much going on in my life. I have ignored some things, yet paid more attention to other things. I can’t believe that those feelings are creeping back into my mind. It’s like a drug that I can’t shake. My behavior at times just appalls me. I can’t believe I do the things I do.

I can say that the thoughts of past actions swirl around in my mind, reliving them like a serial killer relives his sick crime. I can’t shake it. The thoughts and desires creep into my head at the most inconvenient times. I wish I could just have it one more time. The heightened senses for it all. I can feel, smell, taste…like as if it was yesterday. Sounding like a true junkie, huh?! But as with everything, nothing can remain the same. Enjoy it while a person can.
I got this! I can control this, but can I? After the most recent happenings I am now questioning my ability to maintain a normal connection. Geez, what happened? When did it get so crazy for me? I can’t believe I allowed that side of me to escape into the light. Now, the work begins of gathering it all back up and shoving it but into the lock box. I miss it, I miss the risky behavior, I miss acting irresponsible. Damnit! Why did everything have to get so complicated?! ugh. Trying to get the urge under control. I think I might be starting a pattern again…again. Listen to that?! I should learn, maybe I do, it’s just much more fun acting out, it sucks when a person gets caught. I know..I’ll do Moneygram money order some laundry!

Dancing in the Sheets – TMI Tuesday – July 24, 2012

Most importantly it is the theme of this week’s TMI Tuesday. Tell us about your bed.
1. What size (King, queen, full, twin)?
2. What mattress construction (conventional springs, air bed, water bed, Tempurpedic-type)?
3. What type furniture (just a frame, headboard/footboard, canopy, trundle, etc)? Describe. A small version of a “sleigh bed” style headboard/footboard.
4. If your bed has headboard/footboard or bedposts, have you ever been tied to them? Ever tied anyone to them? For what purpose? No, not able to due to the fact the boards are solid wood.
5. What kind of sheets (cotton, linen, silk, flannel)? Currently its cotton due to the extreme heat, in the winter it’s flannel. don’t like silk anymore – stains too easy and it just doesn’t appeal to me like it used to when I was younger.
6. What kind of blankets (cotton, wool, thermal, electric)? Well, I’ll admit I have a “woobie” thats so thin now, but very soft and comforting. I have those heavy “mexican” style blankets mostly with a few gaint comforters when the desire hits me to use them. 
7. What’s on top (bedspread, duvet,…)? Either a bedspread or a blanket similar to the above photo
8. What kind of pillow (down, foam, fiberfill)? We have several to pick from, foam, fiberfill, I switch it up a lot. So, my neck doesn’t get stiff. Not too keen on the memory foam tho.
Bonus:  Fill in the blank and answer question.

If _____ comes over, will you let them fuck you on your bed? Yes or no. I was discussing this with hubby yesterday. We laughed, I said I couldn’t every have sex with someone else in my house or in our bed. He laughed and said “you committing a sin where ever you do it, so what difference does it make?” I replied “cuz this place (our home) is my safe place I don’t want it contaminated with funk from someone else. We laughed again


How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

  • Blankety Blank – TMI Tuesday – July 10, 2012 (cantstopmyself.wordpress.com)
  • TMI Tuesday: July 3, 2012 Previously from November 23, 2010 (cantstopmyself.wordpress.com)
  • TMI Tuesday (hispreciouspet.wordpress.com)
  • TMI Tuesday – July 17, 2012 – Daring in the bedroom (lindalulong.wordpress.com)
  • TMI Tuesday (mysubheart.com)
  • TMI Tuesday: July 17, 2012 DARING: What are your 50 shades? (hispreciouspet.wordpress.com)

Blankety Blank – TMI Tuesday – July 10, 2012

Complete the sentences by filling in the blanks.

1. I could spend all day online  but couldn’t stand five minutes  reading a book, unless it had lots of pictures .

2. I would love to have a robot in my house to do ALL the household chores  because no one else ever does.

3. The older you get the more sleepy  you get.

4. I want to  do lots of drugs  when I am old & terminal .

5. My appetite for Sweets can never be satisfied.

Bonus: If I were a hoarder, I would hoard Stuff .


How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

  • TMI Tuesday: July 3, 2012 Previously from November 23, 2010 (cantstopmyself.wordpress.com)
  • TMI Tuesday (mysubheart.com)
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